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Look Who Relapsed Again...

Me, THAT'S WHO.

Hi everyone, I flunked out on Blogmas and I apologise, I was really enjoying myself but then my brain took over.

So it was Christmas time and what happens to me over Christmas? I freak out. I have no idea why, because I love Christmas so much. It happens most years and that's just the way it goes, that is what I am used to.

Christmas was coming and I had great news, I'd landed myself a new job in a different department at work. 2019 was setting itself up to be the best year! But then sweet, little, innocent anxiety comes in to play some games once the good news settles in. "It's Christmas AND you've got a new job? Time to fuck it all up for you then I suppose"

There it all begins, I start getting pains in my left arm and I am convinced it's a heart attack waiting to happen. Heart palpitations and shortness of breath fill me daily, one 111 call later and that's over. But oh no, the next day is the 23rd December and a new symptom shows it's face, this time it's pains in my right leg. Immediately "I've got a blood clot" I tell everyone, jokingly I will say "I won't even see 2019, I have a blood clot" - funny joke Shannon.

This continued all over Christmas, the Thursday after Christmas I go to the doctors because I cannot deal with the discomfort anymore. The doctor squeezed my leg and said "you can walk on it, you're fine, I'll give you some painkillers" to which I reply "that's all you're going to say?" "yes, I'm giving you painkillers" - THAT'S ME DONE. I was upset, angry, I felt looked over completely. When really he was doing his fucking job and giving me the treatment he thought necessary.

All the while I am constantly reassuring seeking from my mum, dad, boyfriend, via whatsapp with my brother and texting my friend Ben. Anyone I could get the reassurance from I was chasing.

Sunday came and I decided it was time to call 111 again, that number has to be my second most called number under my mum, surely? "get to A&E within the hour, it sounds like maybe it could be a blood clot" this is fantastic, this is fucking fanfuckingtastic. My nightmare has come true, I was right and everyone was wrong. Look at me now anxiety, you were actually right for once!

WRONG.

I got to A&E, I wanted to go alone because my melodramatic head didn't want to ruin anyones day but my mum decided to join the fun party. "hmm, could be DVT (deep vein thrombosis) - we'll send you over to the GP". I could be dying of a blood clot travelling to my lungs and you are sending me to the G FUCKING P? I obliged, of course.

The doctor opened the door and he said "haven't I seen you before, at Pinewood?" and me, the embarrassed, anxious mess who had seen  this dishy doctor plenty of times replied "uhhh yeah like loads of times" he looked at me as if to say 'what this time?' - blood clots bro, blood clots.

He felt my legs, soft, soft, soft. "no sign of a blood clot here" and then went on to talk to me about my anxiety.

Ah, relief settled in for about 78 seconds. Knock, knock, anxiety here! Your leg still hurts so it's still a blood clot, that doctor who trained for years has no idea what he's talking about. We're about to switch the anxiety up by a level.

A couple of days passed, New Years eve happened and the pain was radiating through my leg the entire night. It's all fun when I'm around, trust me! My friends were the victims of my constant reassuring seeking, happy New Year everyone.

Thursday arrived and I needed more, I needed it because I could not cope. I saw a nurse practitioner who I had seen lots of times before, she is good to me. With the same complaints she felt my legs, she measured them too. If I had a blood clot in my tiny, little right leg it would be pretty obvious. My right leg was 1cm bigger than the left, fuck me, ginormous, call an ambulance!

"I think these pains might be due to a vitamin d deficiency" well, I've definitely felt the brunt of the dark Winter nights and mornings this year so this made sense. Although, I'd never heard of leg pains being related to vitamin deficiencies. So off I went for a nice afternoon blood test, just another day in the life of me!

The next day I had a phone call to tell me that my liver function was raised (alarm bells ringing), my iron was slightly low (nothing new) and my vitamin d levels were also low and I needed to go to the chemist to get supplements for the next 6 weeks. The doctor was right, she suspected something and she was right. When has this ever happened, anxiety? But then again, when have YOU ever been right, anxiety?

I go off and I start googling 'vitamin d deficiency symptoms', 'vitamin d leg pains', 'vitamin d anxiety'...the list goes on and all I'm doing is falling down my rabbit hole.

Today, I sit here with electric shock feelings going through my head and arms. What is that? A symptom of anxiety? Absolutely. Something even worse? EVEN MORE LIKELY, OBVIOUSLY - this is anxiety screaming at me.

Anxiety is always screaming at me. It's screaming at me to go to A&E, to go to the doctors, to call 111, to ask that question I've asked a million times already. It doesn't help. Anxiety is there thinking it is protecting me by catching something before it catches me, all the while it is killing me before its eyes. I am not living because anxiety is trying to stop me from dying. I am not dreaming because anxiety doesn't want me to die along the way to reaching my dreams. I am not fighting because anxiety has made me weak. I am not me when anxiety is in control, and in control it is.

Every relapse I have hurts me more than before, it hurts me to watch my family and friends, my lovely boyfriend go through this pain with me. They didn't ask for this, but neither did I. I asked for a happy, care free life. But maybe that was too much to ask of a brain like mine who wants to hold onto fear and try to keep me safe.

You are not keeping me safe. You are punishing me for trying to live. This is not fair. This is not the life we were supposed to be living.

Let me live.

Let me live.

Let me live.

I will get through this relapse, I will. The fight inside me aches to feel okay, it aches for happiness. I will get it, I promise.

I will never, ever give up on this fight. I have too much to fight for.

x

My Christmas Wrapping - BLOGMAS DAY 17


Hello everyone! Happy day 17 of Blogmas.

Every year one of the most exciting parts is the wrapping for me, I get so stoked and usually spend a stupid amount on the wrapping. This year I kinda did the same...but you know, shopping so much at Paperchase through the year means I get vouchers and points on my Paperchase card so it all works out just fine! 

Usually I go for a classic brown paper but this year I purchased the 'White tree on Kraft Roll' and 'Astro Christmas Roll' from Paperchase to just make it a little bit different, but not too drastic! 


Half the time I do wonder if anyone actually cares what their presents are wrapped like but I am honestly a wrapping snob. There, I admit it! I am a snob for good quality wrapping paper and if the wrapping paper feels like it's going to rip then it can just get out of my face. 



This year I purchased a pack of baubles (100 for £8.00) from Paperchase, I'd say that's an okay price for all of those baubles. Speaking of baubles I always fucking forget how to spell it, it's one of those things in life I will never get...K DEN. 


BUY FOR YOURSELF:


Do you enjoy wrapping? Let me know what you've got up to with yours this year! 

Shannon x 




Letter to 2019 Me - BLOGMAS DAY 16



Good day everyone, I hope you are having a great day. Christmas is so soon! 

Now you know we love a good letter on this blog, so let's do a letter to future Shannon, shall we? 

Dear Shannon (...in the future) 

2019 is a new year with fresh starts in the palm of your hands. It is the most cliché thing ever to say 'new year, new me' so we won't say that. But it is a time where you can reflect and decide where you'd like to take the next 365 days.

You know, we've got so much planned haven't we? We've already got holidays planned, best friends are getting married (so now is a good time to really plan that hen do) and we are planning to move the fuck out.

Dan is working hard to get us to that point and you are too, you've proved that lately with aims to get a new job so we can progress and have a totally new beginning in 2019. 

I feel like 2019 is definitely going to be a year of growth, perhaps one of the most important years of our lives. We are going to grow up tremendously and you know what? I am so stoked to see how you grow. (You, being me of course) - it's time to crack down on the mental health stuff and remember that it's all going to be okay whatever happens.

Whatever happens right, everything is looking great so far. How cool is it going to be to be a homeowner? You could only dream of that a few years ago but you are entering another year with the love of your life with so many amazing plans. 

Love will continue to grow with you, everything has room for growth and that is the most important thing here. 

All I have to say to you is that you need to learn and grow from 2018, take the good with the bad and let it help you develop into the 2019 version of yourself.

It's going to be a good year. Period. 

Shannon x 

Favourites from 2018 - BLOGMAS DAY 14 -



Hey everyone! Well and truly smashing this Blogmas thing and we are 2 weeks in, amazing! I never thought I'd be able to do it but here I am...

In todays post let's break down some of my favourite things from this year, from movies to music, you know...the usual. 

FAVOURITE MOVIE 

photo credit

5 words people, CALL ME BY YOUR NAME. This absolutely heart wrenching, beautiful, picturesque film shaped my year I'm telling you. I watched this earlier in the year and the proceeded to watch it about 12 times after that, usually like every Saturday when I was bored. 

If you haven't seen this film I want you to close this blog right now, search it on YouTube, Amazon or anywhere and rent it, rent the fuckin shit out of that film. It is beautiful. I am not much of a film watcher, I watch films I really want to watch and I never get super hyped but this one I was telling everyone about it. So many of my friends then went and watched it and showed other people and it was a beautiful circle of loveliness. 

Timothée Chalamet became an absolute ray of sunshine in my eyes, what a guy. I now look forward to any project he has coming up because he is such a fresh, exciting young actor. 

This film will show you that love is love and it's as simple as that. Stunning. 

FAVOURITE ALBUM

Honestly, I have a couple so let's get onto those...

Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer: Fucking sick album, I've followed and loved 5SOS for many years now. At first this album sounded bizarre and I wasn't digging it but after some time I am still obsessed. Also, if you see any album live I think it immediately becomes better too. 

Beerbongs & Bentleys - Post Malone: This album must've been so many peoples favourite this year because it was such a break through. It was so good and listening to the lyrics in some of the songs really pulls on your heart strings, something which in most Hip-Hop/Rap albums I cannot personally relate to. Sick album, forever recommend. 

FAVOURITE MEMORY 


I've sat here for a good while trying to figure out which memory from this year was my favourite, I've had a bunch of amazing memories. I think our holiday with our friends was my favourite, but the one night which stuck out the most was San Juan festival. We got merry on the beach until whatever time in the morning, some of the group jumped over fires, we made wishes in the sea at midnight and the girls and I danced and sung in the sea. It was a memory that just makes me smile every time I think of it. 

FAVOURITE GIG


I went to a fair few this year but I think the best must've been Harry Styles with my best friend, Ben. We got to the O2 and got absolutely merry as fuck. I had 4 different Bellinis and too much cider and it was the funniest night ever. We sung our favourite H Styles songs together, gushed over the man himself and then Ben fell asleep on the train like a total mong. It was awesome.

These are just a few little things from the year, what are some of your favourite things from the year? 

Let me know! 

Shannon x 

Letter To Myself This Year - BLOGMAS DAY 13


Happy Blogmas day 13 everyone! I'm just going to jump straight into this one... 

Dear 2018 Shannon,

What a year it has been. Isn't that the most cliché thing that could ever be said at the end of any year? I mean, it's fucking true though. The ups and downs have been real. 

Amazing ups and terribly low, lows. The ups were more often than last year, that was great. We went on loads of lovely holidays, had almost anxiety free holidays (AMAZING!) saw bands we've loved for years and enjoyed ourselves on days when there wasn't even much to do.

The lows were rubbish, mental health issues were still at an all time high but also at a low, so it evened out at some points, right? We fought the mental health as hard as we could, made some changes and some that really helped in magical ways - even if it meant our credit card is suffering a bit, oops. Dad made us have squeaky bum time when he got poorly but he's that strong man we have adored all of our lives and fought through it even harder than we thought he would. What a hero. Something we will never forget.

Love with Dan grew stronger than we thought possible, remember 2017 when we met this boy, we're about to enter another year with him. Crazy! How many memories did we make? The holidays, the trips here and there, the laughs in our bedrooms which made us have belly aches. The love we have is so amazing. 

This year we watched Jensen grow into an incredible little two year old who is the funniest, most clever lad ever. He's become even more of a best friend and we have captured so many memories to look back on from his growing this year. 

One amazing thing that happened which I think we forget is that you got discharged from the eating disorder team. You gained your weight, got to a healthy weight and got discharged, that is FUCKING AMAZING. That has to be your proudest moment this year, never, ever take that for granted. It was the biggest step in your mental health journey so far, you beat that, you can beat anything. 

It's been an amazing year. Hard, but amazing and a year we will never forget. One to look back on with a full, but heavy heart. 

Thank you 2018 for the memories. 

2018 Travels - BLOGMAS DAY 12



Good day everyone, happy 12th day of Blogmas! 

This year has been lovely for my little travels. Let's have a little recap shall we...

COPENHAGEN & LOMMA; SWEDEN - FEBRUARY

I whisked Dan away like the smashing girlfriend I am to Copenhagen and to visit our friends in Sweden for a week. It was delightful. We did typical touristy things in Copenhagen - Tivoli Gardens, we saw Nyhavn which was stunning and strolled around the little streets. It was freezing cold and snowed which just made me so happy. It was the perfect way to celebrate Dans birthday and start the year off. 







Jönköping; SWEDEN - MAY 

So off I popped to my favourite place again with my best friends Sanna and Joe for baby Tova's Christening. This was a little break which I was so stoked for with my best friends. I unfortunately got super poorly on the holiday but I still enjoyed my time in this beautiful, picturesque place. I love it every-time and want a trip back in 2019 to see my second family! 




NERJA; SPAIN - JUNE 

Our 'main' holiday of the year was with Dans friends who have now become some of my best friends. 10 days in the sun in Nerja, somewhere I'd previously visited twice before. The beach is stunning, the food is fucking sweet as and the company was great. It was honestly the funniest 10 days I've had and I would do it all over again, it was something we all needed and it was just lovely. 






PARIS - SEPTEMBER 

This was my birthday present from Dan, a trip to Paris. In our heads it was going to be beautiful and romantic, it was actually quite grimy and weird. But who are we to complain, we got to spend some lovely time together and that's all that matters to us, no matter where we are in the world. Next year there are already plans and I can't wait to share some more adventures with Dan. 




Already have some  travel plans for next year...but for now they are a secret! 

Have a great day everyone x 






What am I grateful for? - BLOGMAS DAY 11


Hey everyone! 

I always speak about how important gratitude is to me and especially at this time of year, you reflect on what has happened and how you've managed to get through things. For that, I show gratitude. 

In life I am grateful for many things, here are just a few: 

FAMILY 

In what has been a hard year for my family, they've still all been there at the hardest time and as a family we have managed to get through everything together. Love has grown and bad times are replaced with this love and laughs. In the worst of times we build each other up and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful for the house my parents have put over my head for 23 years and letting me come back when things in life haven't turned out right. I am grateful that my brother has always been my best friend and that he has brought my gorgeous nephew into my life to help my love and confidence to care for someone grow. 

I am beyond grateful to have my family, today, tomorrow and forever. 

me, my nephew and dan


DAN, MY BOYFRIEND

Love is so important to me so to be in love with this special human means the world to me. I've spoken about how much he's helped me grow as a person a billion times but god, I am so grateful for his existence. Without him the past 2 years would have gone a very different way because he picks me up the best he can, he wants to help me grow for our future together. He is incredible and I am so grateful for his love. 

MY FRIENDS

A few stand out - of course - but I am very lucky and grateful to have so many supportive friends in my life. Not everyone holds onto friends they made when they were little once they leave high school, luckily I did and for that I am so grateful. As we grow and we spend less time together the time we do means so much more as adults building our lives. It's great to see everyone grow. 

MY THERAPIST 

I've had a bunch of counsellors in my life but this year I had to go private because it was just time to take control myself. I met my therapist and he helped me to try and change my life. Through ups and downs I am so grateful to have found him, that he let me see life in a different way. Even though I am still having bad times they are less frequent than before. For that I am grateful. 

CREATIVITY 

I am super grateful for the creative blood that flows through me, I hadn't ever touched on it when I was young but as I grow I try to be creative everyday. It makes me feel great and like I'm spending my time more productively than before.

LIFE

As simple as that, I am grateful for life and for the things it is due to bring to me. 

What are you grateful for? Let me know and have a great 11th day of Blogmas! 

Shannon x