You Bring Me Home.

Hello everyone, it's been a bloody long time hasn't it? If you weren't aware I've been spending a lot more time focussing on my YouTube channel and I seem to have abandoned my original outlet - this blog. If you want to watch me ramble, you can do so here

Anyway, on to todays post...

Look at my new little tattoo, isn’t it so perfect? 

I’ve done posts in the past about my tattoos and their meanings and this one is the one which people might be like “why the fuck have you done that” - you know what they say, don’t get anyone’s name tattooed on you. I learnt that from the best, my dad, I can still see a smidge of ‘Jackie’ and ‘Sharon’ under his weird tomato basket looking tattoo. My mums name is Paula, I don’t know these women and he learnt the hard way about getting names for tattoos. 

But then I’ve watched my mum ink her skin with my dads name 3 times, across her heart, on her wrist and on her wedding ring finger. My dad also has her name on his wedding ring finger, and I’ve always found it adorable. 

I don’t see anything wrong with inking your skin with an important name, why the fuck not?! Your body, your rules, right? 

My new tattoo is not a so painfully obvious declaration of love as it would be if I’d got “I LOVE YOU DANIEL MURDZZZZ” on my forehead. It’s song lyrics which I associate with my love for him. 

Mad? Weird? Absolutely crackers? Maybe. But I like to express my feelings in many a way. I always have, I am a creative person with a busy mind. How can I possibly show the person I love how much I love everything they’ve ever made me feel? I know, mark it on my body forever for him to see every day. He will then know all that he’s done for me. 

“You bring me home” - simple, and why does my love ‘bring me home’ I hear you ask? He is my home. 

He’s shown me love like no other, he’s cared for me in the darkest of times. He’s laughed with me at the highest of highs and cried at the lowest of lows. He’s there at the end of the day, he’s there in the middle so we can ask each other how badly our days are going. He cuddles me to sleep, he wofts his morning breath my way in the morning. He’ll eat nasty Tesco chicken nuggets with me and moan about the pointless use of garlic. He is my other half and he is my home. He is my love and he is my home. He’s seen me go from bad to worse, but at the end he’s brought me home. He is my home. 

I adore this human with all of my heart, and I will express my love for him in many forms of art. I will write him letters, type write little things I love about him and put them in a box, I will send him smooshy, unreasonable texts at silly hours of the day. I will love him with every piece of me and he will do the same back. He’s special. 

He is my home and this one is for you, Dan. 

(Let’s hope we don’t break up, if we do this tattoo is harry styles lyrics n I just love harry styles OKAY?)

Mental Health: A Boyfriends Point Of View

Hello everyone!

Happy Sunday, here we are, part two of my three blog posts with my loved ones on mental health. This time it is with my boyfriend, Dan. I have spoken about Dan so many times on this blog and in real life, he is my main talking point.

I've spoken about being in love when having anxiety before here - it's fucking hard. It is so hard, to put someone through something when they have the choice to leave, it's hard to try and hold on to someone. But with Dan, I don't feel like that although I will always say to him "you could have a much easier life with someone else" he has not once said he wants to run away, not once. He has been my safe place since day one, he's amazing. I love him very much.

Here is Dans point of view...

"Hello to everyone who reads Shannons blog, either to find inspiration with their own struggles or finds comfort in something they can relate to. 

Firstly I would like to give you a bit of background on how me and Shannon met, it probably is a rather typical way of meeting people these days as we met on Tinder.  This was a way we didn’t really expect to meet anyone, it all started with me leaving my phone in my best friends car, I came up with a stupid message that I had to drive all the way to his just so I can message her.  Stupid and cringe I know! Please forgive me….. 

Either way from that moment me and Shannon have been non stop talking and I found a truly beautiful and wonderful person. 

Although Shannon had always been open about her health anxiety and always been open about having an eating disorder, I had never truly experienced these things in person. I have to be honest, mental health was something I didn’t understand or take seriously. To anyone who hasn’t seen mental health or experienced it themselves first hand I totally understand why you would think ‘just let it pass’, ‘get a grip and get over it’...I have been there, but I have to say I was wrong and if anyone does think that, well it couldn’t be further from the truth.

The first two months I saw none of Shannons mental health struggles and I thought ahh here we go… It doesn’t exist… EVERYTHING was amazing, we fell in love (quickly) but sometimes when you know you know. This was totally the case with me and Shannon. I have never met anyone I can relate to more, never met anyone with so much depth and beauty! But this girl was and still is right there in front of me. I want you all to know that even though this all changed when her mental health started to grow and became a part of my life the way I feel about her has never changed. I still see the smiles the laughter and amazing person SHE is. Through the pain, the upset and the bad days, there are amazing days and memories we have made that I will cherish for the rest of our lives.

Shannon has told me to be totally honest, say if things make me mad, angry, sad and to tell you all if I  ever have thought "you know what FUCK THIS I am out of here".  There are times that I get angry, of course there is. I have my own crap days, tough days at work/home. This means sometimes my patience before I see ‘RED’ is a little bit lower or I have little less I can handle. I know that Shannon totally understands this, she doesn’t want her mental health problems to hurt me, anger me, the words she says just come out. That, in my eyes isn’t her saying them, they are this completely different persona feeding her these things to say out loud. 

I come home and JUST before I walk in I think "what Shannon am I getting today?" I pray everyday that I come in and she is smiling. I know that isn’t always going to be the case, but it doesn’t stop me begging for it. Although Shannon is ALWAYS happy to see me come through that door her reasons maybe different at times, this is the same with anyone. Sometimes its so she can unload the crap day she has had and the crap day I have had. Sometimes it is because she genuinely is happy to see me. But someone suffering with health anxiety also thinks "OH MY GOD DANS HOME he can tell me if I am okay". I get questions like 'do my eyes look okay?' 'My head hurts is it a brain tumour?' Now I can tell you my job isn’t a doctor I work for Nationwide Building Society……. So answering these questions only comes down to me knowing the real issue. Shannon is suffering with an illness, but its not the illness that she thinks (brain tumours, cancer, more recently tetanus) it is her health anxiety. These are the reasons I can say tell her 'no its not this' or 'yes that is normal…' 

As I previously said when me and Shannon first got together I didn’t see any of this. The first month we had nothing but happiness in each others company. I think when you get that first stage of a relationship nothing will ruin it… After that I actually totally relied on her as the other most important lady in my life got struck down with her own mental health issues. Of course that person is my mum… I had to be at home A LOT and away from Shannon and be there for my mum and dad. This was a truly defining moment in mine and Shannons relationship. I told her that I couldn’t spend the time I wanted with her and we had been together a month. I had broken down and cried to her already.. I told her that if she wants out she can go now. I couldn’t give her the time that she deserves. Instead of running away from me, Shannon made her house my own. She set me up with a drawer in her chest of drawers with clothes and deodorant. She told me "if you ever need to get away for the night you can come here". She made her home my safe haven to get away to. That to me was a truly remarkable and wonderful thing to do. Shannon was never scared of her own mental health problems and never scared of my mums having an effect on our relationship, she embraced it. 

This brings me to the first time I saw her mental health problems. We went to London over night to escape everything from home. All was fine until we had to go home and we were sitting with her best friend Sanna in the restaurant Giraffe on South Bank. Shannon started saying she saw a little light in her eye floating…. Boom! Suddenly Shannon thinks she has a brain tumour. Although the floating light went, the thought of brain tumours stayed. Suddenly the mental health problems I thought that didn’t really exist were coming to life. Now I had the chance to go run away, get scared, mad, sad. I didn’t...I embraced it, Shannon had done that beautiful, amazing thing for me and I still believed and again still do believe I am the luckiest boy in the world to have her and I started to fight her corner from this day. 

Am I scared of her mental health? Yes of course there are things I am scared of… I am scared how it will impact our future. BUT it is OUR future and I will not allow it to break us. What I am not scared of is her health anxiety persona. I know that this battle is our battle now and together we will defeat it. We will learn ways to make her stronger and in turn make that weaker. She has always told me not to think I can save her. I totally agree, Shannon has to tackle this herself but she can tackle it with the support of me and Ben who previously posted and her mum, dad, brother and friends. Some days I am sad about it, I see how it breaks her down and ruins her days and when you love someone and you see an illness break them down of course it breaks you but it doesn’t stop me getting back up and it doesn’t stop her. Anyone fighting mental health whether it's my mum or Shannon or anyone, I am truly proud of the struggles you go through. I am merely an outsider I have never had these issues myself but just know that I understand. 

If anyone was to ask how I feel, I would say I feel lucky to have her, I feel blessed that I get to spend everyday with her. Okay maybe we have problems like any relationship. Yes her mental health can completely take over our days sometimes. Yes she is always fighting the things in her head in the fear she mentions it I will get mad. But I still feel lucky and she needs to know that is enough for me, to have her and be able to make the memories we do is enough for me. Shannon does some really amazing things and sometimes she forgets what a beautiful person she is inside and out. Her pain can take over and make her think she is the worst person in the world when really...she is the most caring person I have ever met." 

I said this last time, that when you are deep within the grips of your mental health you kind of forget about the ones around you and how they feel but I am so aware of Dans feelings. I cannot wait to be able to get through a day without falling into my anxious trap and to get through it to be wit Dan at the end of it.

I found a little gem here, I want to keep him for a long time... 

My 2018 Goals

Hey everyone, firstly I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I have a good feeling about this one...especially after the shit show of 2017. What the fuck was that, universe?!

I've got a few things I'd like to do and achieve this year and I am confident and motivated to do them! Here we go 2018...

Start Yoga

I've wanted to start yoga for a long time now but have either not had the motivation or confidence to do it. I feel like it's going to improve my mental health so much and make me feel so well in general. My best friend Ben gave me such a lovely Christmas present with Yoga Dice so once I start in a class I can then do it at home. It's going to be a big step, to either go alone or with a friend. I'm excited!

Write more

Whether that is on my blog or in a journal, I just want to write. I love writing, it really helps me and is therapeutic. Hence why I tend to always write a long blog post whenever I am really struggling. I've attempted journals for years, I have tonnes of books but this year I am going to write as much as I can, when I can!

Start a Youtube channel

This is something I've wanted to do since I was younger, I attempted it once when I done a vlog about the One Direction premiere and it was fucking tragic. I want to start doing videos talking about mental health, getting it out on a different platform and in a different way. I think it will be helpful for me and for other people too, what do you think?

Stay tidy! 

A tidy room equals a tidy mind if you ask me! My room needs decorating, it hasn't felt quite like home since I moved back into it earlier in the year after leaving the house I was renting with my ex boyfriend. It needs some TLC and I need to look after it more, it's my home after all and where I spend a lot of my time. I want to do it all up, make it tidy and nice and I think my mind will feel fresh because of it!

Say yes to plans 

In 2017 I became nervous whenever plans came about, there was a handful of people I was okay with seeing and that was it. I want to go and see my friends India and Damian more and hang out in their lovely home, I want to see Dans friends more without feeling unnecessarily nervous (anxiety, please suck my dick) and I just want to say yes more! I want to text friends I haven't seen in a while and go for a drink without thinking it's a burden on my day, I just want to enjoy myself again and I am going to. 2018 is the year I become a more confident person.

BE HAPPY

This is my ultimate goal this year and forever on wards. I want to break through my anxiety, depression and whatever the fuck else is going on in my silly head and be the happiest version of me. I have so much going for me, I have the potential to move to a better job, I have amazing friends and family, a lovely boyfriend and inside I have the drive to move forward. I will be happy this year, last year I spent most of the time being sad and worried, not this year, no thank you.

I am excited for what this year has to offer, let's go 2018, let's make it a good one!

x

Acceptance of your Mental Health

As I grow I am really learning to accept my anxiety for what it is.

I guess I would see it as a friend, a weird fucking friend who wants to destroy your life but you can't let them go because they've been your friend for so long. So long that you don't know what you would do without them, because they seem to act like they know what they're doing, they've seen life in a different way and they want to keep you safe.

This is bullshit, they don't want to do any of those things for you. They are like a jealous friend who sees that you have a really great life and they don't have that so they want to destroy it for you so no one can be happy.

You seem to open your eyes and realise they are no friend of yours at all, they are evil and want to take all of the goodness out of you. What kind of friend does that?

I think looking at it that way really helps, you have to realise what anxiety is and what it is trying to do before you can accept it and move on.

So if you had a friend who was just nasty, you would eventually remove them from your life right? That's what you need to do here. Remove the toxic things from your life.

It is all about acceptance.

Have a chat with your anxiety, sit it down, tell it you've had enough...even tell it that it's a bitch and you can do better without them!

I realise that me telling you to sit down with you anxiety sounds nuts but...we're all nuts here, in a good way. I'm telling you all to do this, but really I need to be doing this myself.

I find comfort in writing these posts, they really help. If there is one thing I recommend in the recovery of any mental illness it is to write! Create a blog, get a cute little notebook, just write and write and write your feelings away. Get them out of your brain and see it all in front of you, it really helps.

Anyway, back to getting rid of your awful friend. As I said, accept it for what it is and one day you will learn to forgive them.

Accept and forgive, forgiveness gives you a sense of hope that things can move on I feel. If someone hurts you, you grow as a person and one day forgive them and it makes you feel good that you know you have moved on.

But first, accept it! Whatever it may be and learn to move on from it. It will be hard, you will sometimes feel like you need it so bad because you don't know what to do without it but you are your own person, not your mental illnesses.

Don't be tied down...there's plenty more friends out there to make!

You're Doing Okay

Hey everyone!

Firstly I'd like to say a Happy New Year to you all, let's make it one full of positivity and love and all the good shit.

I've slacked so much on the blog lately and I've said this a billion times on here but my motivation has been fucked. I have been poorly over Christmas and not wanted to do a thing let alone blog.

I've got some blog ideas in my head so they'll come shortly, you know, the usual 2017 goals, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

For now though I wanted to just talk about what's going on, where I'm at, how I'm feeeeeeeeeling. Hi my name is Shannon and I suffer from an eating disorder, all kinds of anxiety and depression... this is your cue to say HIIIII SHANNON.

I thought I was doing so well, I thought I was proper tackling the eating disorder and following my meal plan to a T. But then I got a vomiting bug on top of being generally poorly (I still am, why God why!?) and there I was with my eating nurse yesterday to find out I've not gained weight at all. Fuck the fuck off body, fuck off.

I have been trying so hard to get better, so hard to be happy and so hard to get my blob back and this is the way my body treats me? I suppose it makes sense considering I've treated it like crap for the past however many years.

I was disappointed in myself, I felt like the biggest failure ever. I left and cried and cried, saw my friend and cried, saw my boyfriend and cried. I just feel awful about trying so hard and not seeing any results. I think that is the worst thing about it. I want to physically see results, feel the results and feel like there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.

I've relapsed more times than I can tell in my recovery, that's normal and no one would ever judge. I'm just my own biggest judge.

Then I told myself to shut the heck up and get on with it, add some more to my meal plan and not let that little voice tell me I'm just going to balloon and be awful.

I'm doing okay. I realised that I really am doing okay, I'm holding up a job, a relationship and running a house all while trying to get myself better. I've wanted to give up on all of those things multiple times recently because my mind just can't handle it but I haven't and I'm very proud of myself.

I want people to know that it is okay to be disappointed but really, don't be. You really are doing just fine, if you need time away from everything too, that's fine. I did that, I do that most months when work just gets a bit too much - I take time away from it because that is what my mind and body needs. Sometimes it really is too much.

If you're struggling and you need time for you, do it. You are the most important thing in your recovery, jobs, partners, friends, houses, they'll always be there at the end of the day. But you? You need to be there to appreciate all of these things when you're ready to. Look after yourself, treat yourself. Be kind and let yourself know that you're doing just fine. You're working your hardest at getting through the shit.

I think I say these things as an indirect way to speak to myself but I also want anyone who reads this to feel okay.

As I said, I'll be blogging more (hopefully when I feel better and my brain wants to cooperate with me) but again, happy new year! Enjoy and make it all worthwhile.

All the love, Shannon x

Positive Tuesdays: The One When I Went To Ireland.

Hiiiiiii guys, it's Tuesday it's time to be positive about the previous week. I've had a great one but also a very, very tough one in my little brain. It's a strange feeling when you're stuck in your recovery, when you also feel so lonely but you have amazing people around you...you just need those extra ones to show they care. OKAY NO, this is not the name of the game, if I want to be a negative Nelly then I will make a whole new post.

Anyway, this week was full of fun! To be fair I missed the previous week because I was in Dublin last week, so I'm literally going to do the last 7 or so days.

On Monday last week I set up the house all cute for Ryans 21st as we were going to be away on his actual birthday. I wanted to make him feel a little spesh for the day and give him his presents. I got him a Funko Pop, of which he has 15,583 (approx.) a tattoo voucher, Fallout Monopoly, a really cool wooden carving of Jason from Friday the 13th and the trip to the Guinness Factory. He was happy, I was happy, we were all happy. We then had his parents round for dinner and that was sweet, it's nice having my family and then being accepted into another.

On Tuesday we went to Dublin! Something we've been stoked about for months, I love seeing different places with him. We can speak for hours on end, explore new cities and learn about new things so sharing that with someone is so sweet and I couldn't wish for anyone better. 

Sweet pub through to Dinner with a Guinness.

The next day was officially Ryans 21st birthday! We got up and strolled around Dublin, went to a Church and then off to the Guinness Storehouse which I think was like Ry's idea of heaven/Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. It was actually so cool and I would seriously recommend it to anyone going to Dublin. I hate Guinness, Guinness is not for a girl like me. In the evening I booked us to go to Beef & Lobster in Temple Bar in Dublin. It was GREAT, Lobster? Do I like Lobster? Not sure. The process was fun but perhaps just the once, it was a really sweet restaurant though so again I would recommend that 100%, I followed up the meal with a Prosecco ice lolly and man, I was super about that life.

The next day we went to the Zoo and okay I know not everyone agrees with Zoos, I am super in the middle. I love seeing the animals, I also wish they were out in the wild but I also know they are looked after in their little homes at the Zoo. I don't know man, this post isn't a place for a debate with myself. But my god, Dublin Zoo is incredible. The enclosures were huge, the animals seemed to be so free! The Orangutang's could swing from one enclosure to the other and they went right over you, no net or anything, it was a real 'you had to be there moment'. The Wolves were all howling together, a sound I've never heard in my life, insane. The baby elephants were all playing in their water together, it was adorable and it was one of the best days I've ever had with Ryan. 

Then the last couple of days were spent just looking around, enjoying the city and each others company. As per usual. 

I haven't done much since, we had an intense game of Monopoly last night and I won (yes, you know I did)  and it's little things like that which make me content and happy. Being around good people with good vibes.

How was your week? Tell me all the good things, I would love to hear. 

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An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Hello everyone,

You may wonder why I'm making something like this public, why I'm putting it on the internet? You know me, I'm so open about my mental health and would do anything I could to raise awareness and to get others to help themselves or help those around them. If this helps one person have more of an insight, if it helps one mum have a slight look into what is going on in their childs mind then that's all I want. I want to help, this small platform could do that, or so I hope. Here goes...

Dear my friend and my enemy, 

I say friend loosely...my enemy strongly. It's been tough hasn't it? These past few years, who knows when it all begun, when you creeped up behind me and tore me apart. I know you've been there for a while, a long time, too long. God, why did you come along? 

On one hand you've been my friend, my comfort and my safety blanket. When everything is a bit shit you've been there to fall back into. You've made me feel strong sometimes even at my weakest, we know someone with an eating disorder has strength like no other. The strength to deprive, that's just indescribable. The willpower to go through with lies and deceit. You made me lie to the people I love, you made me get angry to them, when that was never in my nature. Sometimes you fully took over and people recognised this. I didn't realise though, because I thought it was me. You'd taken over however, you had control. I liked that control though, sometimes I miss it. I miss the control we had when we could pick and choose when or what to eat or not to eat, the control of just running away from it all and going for stupidly long walks, just me and my brain. You made me feel safe, but that's the key word...feel. You made me feel a lot of things, happy though? Never.

You stole things from me. You stole other peoples trust from me, that is unforgivable. You stole a life and a future in my dream career from me that I don't even know if I wish for back, but I'm sad that I let it all go. At University you turned me into a mess, you had me laying on my bedroom floor taking pictures of my body to make sure my ribs were still sticking out like that was some sort of horrifying progress. You made me believe a tiny amount of food or none at all was enough for those beautiful long walks around London or for a full day of learning. All I learnt was that I was breaking before my eyes. 

I left that life behind, I had to. I left University because if I had stayed I would not be here now. You didn't stay there, you stayed with me. You never left. I wish you'd have left. 

You made my mum cry down the phone to me almost daily, she still does now and that is the most heartbreaking of all. The pain we have caused to other people, the constant questioning STILL of whether my size is acceptable. Why won't it stop? It's not fair. It's not fair on me or them. I can't believe I let something so strong take over and destroy so much. 

I'm finally starting to get my strength back to fight it, I couldn't fight you with such little mental strength. I had the strength to do all the wrong things but not the right. I want my mum to trust me on my own again, I have my own home but still I know she sits and worries that I am not eating. You still tell me not to. I want my boyfriend to not have to answer the same questions over and over again, they make no difference to you or I. I want to be happy and healthy, not weak and brittle and too tired for life. 

It's time to go, I've got to be on my own. You were there when I felt I had no one, but you're the one that pushed me into this darkness. It's over now, it has to be. 

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Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Homeware Haul Part 1!

Hello everyone, I'm on a roll! So this shall be my first of a few homeware hauls, we haven't got everything in the house yet  - I'm currently sitting on a pile of blankets and cushions while we wait for the sofas. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor while watching the telling which is also on the floor, I think it's kinda cute though. In years to come me and Ry can be like "so we spent weeks on the floor... WEEKS." 

I'm not too good at this whole living away from home thing just yet, I know I lived in London for a year but I spent most of that eating doritos hungover in a mess in a duvet burrito. Tonight I tried to boil an egg...3 times. THREE TIMES, T H R E E. Not once, not twice but three times. That's a waste of three whole eggs, don't tell Ryan he'll get the waste police on me.

ANYWAY, we picked up some really sweet little bits to make this house a home! There's still so much more to add, but here are a few of my favourite little bits that we picked up. 

Firstly let's go to the kitchen, we went for copper! We could have gone OTT with the copper but of course we were not sure what the kitchen would look like (we've been collecting things since the start of the year maybe?) - however we bought some very sweet pieces. 

We got the Tea, Coffee and Sugar pots from Next (£16.00), well my parents bought these as well as the kettle which was from Sainsburys. We then purchased the Toaster from BHS (RIP, forever in my homeware loving heart) - this was I think £23 instead of £40?! Throughout the whole search we made so many savings it was nUTS. The knife set for example which I think is like Ryans child was £36 instead of £120, I'm sweating. 

We then got these sweet little mugs with a voucher I got for my birthday from my friend Ben, because aren't they just cute. I love these little Alphabet pieces. These were £4.00 each from Next! 

Onto the living room, very incomplete as I previously said with the lack of sofas! But once everything is in I'm going to do another post - especially when I get the desk in the spare room aGH. Anyway, back onto the living room we got these beautiful effing cushions oh my GOD. They are the most beautiful things I've ever set eyes on. These are from Marks & Spencers, they were pretty steep at £15.00 each and are like the size of a pea but still wow. Cutest little things again on the whole alphabet theme so people know whose house they're in, right? 

oH MY GOD I LOVE THEM

Now the bathroom, upstairs we got some lovely lilac bath mats which are just beauts but I haven't taken a photo of them. The picture below is the beautiful toothbrush holder with a sweet little heart pattern from Sainsburys! We got a matching soap dish and toilet brush holder  - they're just so sweet. The only annoying thing is not being able to have the tiles and flooring that we would like as we rent, but we've made it all work. Here's just a little peak at the toothbrush holder! 

Moving on to the random little bits around the house, one day I purchased this cute little chalkboard from Tiger. I'm pretty sure it was about £7.00 but I honestly cannot remember it was months ago, it's so sweet though we keep writing each other little messages when the other is at work or messages for when the other gets home from work. It's quite hard to work such different times from each other, but little messages are very cute to come home to. 

These little vases from Next, no longer available though bOOOOO. But they actually inspired the colours I wanted in the accessories for the living room, I think I'll be keeping these in the living room and not in our bedroom. They were £5.00 down from £14.00 in the sale, honestly we should have our own bargain hunting TV show. 

Finally, I'm going to show you our bed cover! I'm really unsure what colours we should have in the bedroom. Until we get furniture I don't think I will be super sure but anyway we picked these super sweet bed covers up from Tesco! I'm pretty sure they were also in the sale, they look like little watercolours and you know I love me some watercolour. Ryan looks pretty wrapped up in it. 

So that is the lot for now, like I said I will do another once we get more stuff in the house and it all starts coming together. Oh, it wouldn't be right to leave this post without showing you a bit of Ryans nerd cave... 

This is in the spare room and on the other side of the room I'm going to have a desk and it's just going to be mega sweet.

I hope you've enjoyed this post, share with me your love for all things homeware in the comments! 

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Update!

Hey everyone,

Oh me here again with more excuses as to why I haven't posted in a trillion years - I have many. I've moved house! I'VE ACTUALLY MOVED OUT. Myself and my boyfriend, Ryan moved out into our first little home together. It's so sweet, I am planning on doing a homeware post (am obsessed with homeware, have been since I left the womb - after I made that place all cosy of course.)

I've been working at the same job I've been working at since October, still there, still loving life :----------------------) take from the long ass smiley face what you will.

Finally, I've still been struggling with...stuff. I did one post on my Cognitive Analytical Therapy journey, ONE. I'm now on about session 12 out of 16 and I haven't posted any updates. How am I doing? Okay. I like the therapy and I like my therapist. That is really something I never thought I would be able to say. I'm going to miss my therapist when it comes to the inevitable end.

She is there to listen and help me grow and I am confused as to what I am supposed to do without her. I know I have loads of people around me, but she knows and she understands to the very smallest pieces of the problems. She helps me understand the problems myself that I didn't even fully get in the first place.

We've gone back to my childhood, pieces that could have contributed to the anxieties I have had for the majority of my life. It all makes sense, why do I have health anxiety? Perhaps the multiple hospital trips and operations traumatised me a bit and they're always at the back of my mind.

Ever since I can remember I have been terrified of needles, not tattoo needles though I'll have them poked in my skin anyday BUT IF YOU'RE TAKING BLOOD FROM ME I'LL LET OUT A NUG. I will never be a fan!

I've lived with health anxiety for a large number of years, the fear of dying is my biggest and it really is where I end up almost everyday when my anxieties get too month. One thing leads to another and it goes back there. I have a good day, feel I don't deserve it, oh what is that pain in my head?! It must be a brain tumour let's forget about the great day we've had and focus on that instead. Logical.

I have never felt like I deserve good things, I've no idea why. I moved into this house last week and two days later was full of dread and sadness, why the frick?! I was doing the thing I've wanted forever with the boy I've wanted forever but oh no, it's time to feel like crap about yourself.

Food, oh food. Where did the eating disorder start? Was it related to my low self esteem that probably stemmed from a problem I had inside my cheek when I was younger?! Maybe, it makes sense after all.

It all makes sense, I've been able to make sense of things for once and I can't wait to be fully able to do this and take all of the skills and tools I've been given at CAT and use them in my life everyday.

I can't wait for the day my recovery comes to an end, when I can say I'm no longer in recovery for I am recovered. Recovered from the eating disorder, depression and all the bloody anxiety. I can't wait and I'm so willing to keep trying my very best.

I love me and all of the hard work I do and I hope anyone else doing the same thing feels the same. You deserve that much.

I'll be back shortly to do a homeware post so keep your eyes peeled!

My Experience: Cognitive Analytic Therapy - Week 1

Hi everyone,

As my blog recently is primarily focusing on my mental health and my journey within the recovery process I thought I would document the new therapy that I have started today. Of course I have been seeing an eating practitioner since September, one before Christmas and one since Christmas - I really like her, and I've never built up such a relationship with anyone dealing with my mental health as much as I have with her. Which is the most important thing so you can be honest and let your feelings flow! 

Last week I met my new therapist which I have been waiting to see since September, I've seen many counsellors in the past and never found any of them helpful - sorry lads. However, this time it feels right and I feel like I can truly be helped onto the right path. In the past I have done CBT, and like anything some things work and some things don't, CBT was not for me and I insisted throughout my process that I did not want to do CBT  again. 

Here I am though, with my new therapist who today said she would like to try 'CAT' with me, that's Cognitive Analytic Therapy. 

'CAT stands for Cognitive Analytic Therapy; a collaborative programme for looking at the way a person thinks, feels and acts, and the events and relationships that underlie these experiences (often from childhood or earlier in life). As its name suggests, it brings together ideas and understanding from different therapies into one user-friendly and effective therapy.' - ACAT

I was told I would be doing at least 16 sessions, SIXTEEN. That's 16 weeks, four months, I don't know why but this made me so happy. Usually I'd be sighing the shit out of something like that, but the time and effort that is being put into making me feel better is heart warming really. I've never wanted to praise the mental health system as much as I do at the moment. 

We went through some pages today, like a questionnaire of some sort which looked at things like traps, snags and states. So states I get myself in, the first one was 'Zombie' - I have felt like a total zombie for a few days now so I immediately was like yES, THAT'S ME. My therapist asked me how it felt to know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, because there is tonnes and tonnes of stuff in CAT to help people just like me.

Honestly, it feels strange because with mental illnesses you feel so isolated and alone it is weird to think someone else in the world is sitting in their room just like you, in silence with nothing but their thoughts to guide them through. 

We also spoke about how my anxiety is a comfort to me...and how the last few days I have felt empty and alone and I'm not used to being 'empty'. If I'm not thinking about my health or all of the 34875844 things I think about then what is there left to think about? No idea. Very strange, my mental health is really all I know.  My mental health has kept me company for years and when it feels like it's not around I guess I do feel lost. I need to let that all go however and I feel like this form of therapy really is going to help. 

I really want to document my journey, please let me know if you have had an experience going through CAT I would really love to hear you experiences! 

Until next time x x x

Update!

Hi hi hi,

Once again I've been so disgustingly unmotivated to write anything on this blog that I've abandoned it 5eva. A lot has happened since I left university and when I say left I mean permanently which leaves me thinking about the future…

Okay, so here I am a University drop out. Where is my band to start singing around me like on Grease when the chick is a beauty school drop out? Or because I went to a painfully average London university do I not get the privilege?!

All year I spent my time wondering if being at university was the right thing for me, I had THE best time. If you read my blog, know me, follow me on any form of social media you will know this. I made the most amazing friends from all over the world/country, had some mad nights, got to explore London on my one women treks around the city and fell in love with the city all over again. But that's not why I moved there primarily, I moved there to start earning a degree… a degree which I quickly lost interest in. All my life I've wanted to be in the entertainment/journalism industry, so off I went to study a course I thought I would love - instead I was left all year losing my passion for the career I'd longed after for so long. That makes me sad. I'm sad that the passion went and I'm sad that I don't have it in me anymore to complete a degree, I feel LIKE A TOTAL BUM.

But so, so, so many people are the same and don't continue with their studies after the first year, a lot even drop out during! Which I wanted to do so many times but was encouraged to stay. It makes me feel okay knowing that it's normal and fine to not want to be at university. Unfortunately, our generation is force fed the thought that to succeed we need to go to uni but really that isn't the case and I hope and pray that I find my way. I'm currently super lost in a part time temp job, I really want to discover the right path for me and I'm nervous, so very nervous. The big world of being an adult is scary lolzzzz.

What else has happened since I left university…I turned 20, yuck, boring (need to change my blog layout and sidebar, no longer a 19 year old student in London)

I got a little puppy named Sid, I like to think of him as me in dog form - a bit odd and a midget.

I got a boyf lol, the boy I have 'luvved' since I was 14 and dumped him 5 times over 10 months as I was a confused, naive child who didn't know how to deal with having a boy dig her. SO THAT'S INTERESTING INIT. 

Nothing else of any interest has /really/ happened in the last few months that has changed my life…on the mental health side of things I am now at a clinic to sort my eating out and it's super scary but I'll get there. My life is looking up so much, a puppy, a boi, no more education, all I need is a job to get me going and I'll be set.

I shan't be giving up hope on finding my way, it's scary and there's so many people who have probably hit a wall in knowing what they want in life and I'm sure they too have found their way.

OH BEING AN ADULT, WHAT R U LIKE. 

x x 

What Keeps Me Happy…

Hiiii! It's been so long I am a poop, I lack motivation and Sims 4 exists… sigh.

I wanted to do a post about all the things that make me happy and that could maybe give you the chance to think about what could make you happy when times suck. I turn to these things when I'm having rough times so let me know what you do!

My happy box

My happy box (or hoarder box) is full of little memories I've collected through the years! It's full of photos, gig tickets, train tickets, random little things like confetti from gigs too! It's just a box full of things I can look at whenever I feel down and feel immediately happy, it's full of lovely memories that make me feel grateful for being alive and living the life I do.

If you wanted to make one just find an old shoe box, gift box, or anything and just fill it with tickets and anything that makes you happy! 

I want to also make a happy go to box full of a nice DVD, nice sweets, etc. That I can go to on proper poop days.

Colouring books

When I feel bored and overwhelmed with boredom I go to the colouring books, the trusty little colouring books. You can obviously get these everywhere because they're so popular right now! I don't even know why colouring is so therapeutic but it is, although I have to now buy books where the shapes aren't tiny because that stresses me THE FRICK OUT.

YouTube 

I can't help but spend hours on end on YouTube watching absolute crap, it's just something that keeps my mind going when I need it. 

Hanging out with my friends and family! 

There's nothing like it, there's nothing like having a proper laugh with your family and friends. I love going to the weekly pub quiz with my friends, it keeps me going through the week when I know I'm going to hang out with them for a few hours at the end of it! 

So even when times are rough always know your friends and family are there to help out and make you feel way good. 

Scrapbooking/Being creative 

I don't know what came over me but my creative mind seems to have truly taken over since I moved away. Maybe it's because I wanted to show that I could be creative, I don't know. But I LOVE SCRAPBOOKING, it's so calming and makes me smile so much to look back at all the amazing memories I've had throughout my life.

If you want to really make yourself feel good then do a scrapbook, it's not childish or anything it's just lovely to have somewhere to keep all of your memories that make you feel ace.

Going for walks 

I love going for walks, simple as! I love putting my headphones in and just taking everything around me in it really makes me feel good about life… 

There you go, those are a few things that keep me happy when things are a bit sucky. What do you do?! Let me know! 

I'm going to get back on this blogging thing, just have to find the motivation somewhere! 

x x x 

Positive Tuesdays: Week Ten. UPDATES.

Hiiiiii, been a while hasn't it (almost a month)…my bad.

I didn't want to do these posts when in fact I haven't felt positive at all, I'm not going to put on a front I've never been that kind of person. If I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy and I won't pretend to be okay and lie to everyone and tell you all to be happy and positive if I'm not myself. I've had a crappy few weeks, unsure of what I'm doing, my life is a big mess. I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing so if anyone has any advice on the struggles of university I'd super appreciate your input! I could go on and on, but it's all I ever seem to talk about to anyone and it's quite tedious.

I feel like I've turned this whole segment into an update on what I've done but I like that, I like looking back on things and realising that everything isn't that bad - you should do the same!

Anyway, some decent stuff has happened the past few weeks, this is going to be a post just updating you on my life because you all clearly want to know, OBVZ.

Well when I left you last I went away for the weekend but before that I melted my retainer like a super bellend but then I went home and spent some time with my family and that was lovely. I really, really love time back at home it's the best. Then I returned to university on the Sunday (might've had a little cry when my mum and dad went back to Ipswich) but the following week I did some cool stuff.

I went to look at the ceramic poppies at the Tower of London, they were super nice and it's just quite breathtaking. They represented so many fallen soldiers it was just a lovely part of history that I'm glad I got to witness.

Then it was time to get on with Halloween festivities, we went to Ministry of Sound which I have been extremely reluctant to doing since we got here because it's not really my scene and I mean I would tell you if it was my scene but I can't remember much at all - DON'T DRINK KIDS, ONCE AGAIN. I do however remember getting separated from my friends and asking the bouncer like a lost puppy to help me find my friends, what a twat. That was on the Tuesday, on actual Halloween I spent the morning looking at the Christmas windows and the christmas store at Selfridges (logical), I wanted to get into the Christmas spirit it was the day before November aka the day it's okay to do christmassy things. The windows were cool but involved a lot of gold and a lot of woodland stuff…I didn't really get it and I didn't feel overly christmassy at all, humph. 

Oh and when we were out for Halloween I got pushed over in front of a lot of people and it was hilarious, it was the second time I've fallen over in front of people in London; this confirms why I'm a very tragic 19 year old. 

The next week came and I had found out where One Direction were rehearsing, you know me and One Direction we have a big love/hate relationship so I thought I would finally take the time to go and meet them. I've never been in the perfect position to meet them even when I was 16 and it was my life dream, so I thought I would make 16 year old me happy. I arrived at the studio where I found lots of girls beaming, I HAD MISSED HARRY STYLES BY A GOOD 2 MINUTES. I WAS DONE, I WAS OVER IT. To cheer me up from failing once again to meet them I purchased my first christmas present and I keep looking at it because I'm absolutely stoked for christmas YEAH, that made me so very happy. 

Me and my 7 best pals booked a trip to Scotland too! We're going next year in the Easter holidays and it's going to be full of mountains and madness. I took a trip to my friend India's university where actually there was going to be a surprise party for her and Damian's engagement and they had no idea - I had to keep it a secret that all of our best friends were coming from all over the country on the Saturday and it was so hard when we'd planned to watch The Hunger Games but really we were going to get really messy. It was so lovely to see everyone, I probably nearly cried I can't remember. It was honestly the happiest I've been in so long, I find I'm always my happiest when I'm surrounded by the group and I love them with all of my heart. 

After that Corinna came to stay for a couple of days down in London, we went for a walk down the South Bank and that was really nice, it was the first time I've seen the sun set in London and I've really missed seeing that (I'm a lame ass) the next day we went to the Natural History Museum and dinosaurs are cool. 

And finally at the weekend I spent the day with all of my 5 Seconds of Summer pals, we went for a Starbucks as per and went to Regent Streets Christmas light switch on, it was really cute and I've missed those girls a lot. I haven't seen them since 5SOS were last here which was in July! Speaking of 5SOS it's been a year this month since I met them/saw them live every weekend, madness! 

That's about all that has happened the past few weeks, they've been pretty good and plenty to be happy about! Oh, someone sneezed on me too what a pleasant place London is.

In all seriousness I might not do these as often anymore, I have a lot going on physically and mentally but I'm happy that I could hopefully make people think about good times with the posts I've done in the past! They'll be back consistently soon, I'm not sure when but they will be! 

How have you been? Anything good been happening that you'd like to share because I'd love to hear! 

Stay cool 

x