I HAVE MOVED

You can now find all posts on https://alifewithambitions.co.uk 

Thank you 

The Tinder Ghost

Hello everyone, old and new...

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on what has always been my beloved blog. The last time I was here was October last year, I'd just moved into my new flat and I was ready for a totally fresh start. However, in that time I'd lost any creative energy I'd ever had and my blog took the biggest back seat it had ever taken, it was at the back of a very long bus. The bus being my life. 

In the last year I've just been trying to figure out life as a 24/25 year old woman. What do I need to do in life to feel like I have some sort of purpose? Moving into a new home where my independence was absolutely all mine, I made the rules for myself and I could do whatever I wanted. It's just not as plain sailing as maybe you'd think or maybe I had hoped. I hadn't been 'on my own' properly for 4 years, being in and out of relationships I did not who I was by myself. I of course live with my best friend, although I'd say he's my biggest partner in life (we are joined at the hip) I still had to figure out life on my own, you know? 

I had to find out who Shannon was as a single, now young woman, in a town I was about to become even more familiar with. Living in the same place all your life is fun, but as an adult your world of course opens up to totally new things. I'd find myself - and still do - in the pub on a Tuesday night, it wasn't just a weekend treat anymore. I mean, it's a sick life I can't lie. 

So being single in 2020, what's that like I hear you all ask? Yes you, the ones with babies, husbands or wives, long term partners or with a committed fuck buddy. It is fucking hard. To put it so bluntly, I never knew how hard it was going to be. When I became single I thought right, fuck I've got to go and...date?! I'd been on 2 dates with my previous boyfriend and by the 3rd we were pretty much together, so I really had not experienced Tinder or Hinge or whatever at it's finest. So there I was, single, and I didn't properly start going on dates until the July which was 3 months or so after, and well it just chucked me right into the shit show that is millennial dating. 

Here's how it goes: You meet someone, go on a lovely, wonderful first date and then never hear from them again. Quite simply, they are a ghost hence the term 'Ghosting'. Let me give you an official definition from our trusty Urban Dictionary: 

'When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friends' phone calls, social media and avoiding them in public' 

Fuckers. 

I cannot lie, we've ALL done it to some extent but some people are serial ghosts, so much so maybe they are just dead? Or maybe just dead inside to their feelings and the feelings of others. 

It is brutal, imagine dating someone new and opening up to them. Telling them everything from your deepest anxieties, family history and all the things you love to the time you, a non smoker, smoke a cigarette out of your bedroom window because you were horrifically constipated. But then the next minute they are gone and you have to repeat the process again and again. It is never ending. 

Does it get easier? I don't know! I always had high hopes for Tinder and what not, I met my ex on there and had an almost perfect 2 year relationship from it, so it does work...for 2 years at least. Ever since though my life has been full of an array of dick pics, ghosting, drunken nights and drunken texts, kicking people out at 3am and calling people the wrong name at the wrong time. Although it all makes for fun stories, when does the break come?! When will I stop having multiple boys names in my phone where their last names are 'Tinder'? They must be a really big family.

I could talk about this forever and a day, I feel like I've had my fair share of experiences on the matter that I could write a whole book. I know I am not alone in the struggle of millennial dating, it's even harder in this 2020 COVID world where we maybe want to get closer to someone but is that even okay...do we push the boundaries for our own sanity or do we keep ourselves to ourselves. We all crave the touch and affection from other humans, it's natural but it's tough to go from one to the other and they all end up being just another experience. Mostly...bad. Really, let's just all give up the ghosting thing yes? Let's just all be upfront and honest, maybe it'll make the whole thing a little easier. 

What are your experiences with online dating right now? Please do let me know, let's chat about it.

I'll be doing many more posts on dating, I could talk about it all day. It blows my mind how crazy it can be! 

For now I'll be on Instagram on @alifewithambitions - let's chat, ease me back into this blogging world.

Take care x 

Look who's back...again

Hello you, it's been a while. It's been too long, you're like an old friend I keep meaning to meet up with but seem to avoid at all costs, my bad.

I would love to say that my absence was for good reason, like I was travelling the world or doing amazing things with my life and ruling the universe. Fact of the matter is, I have just had a fucking funny year and haven't felt like writing at all. Here I am again though, at a time when my mental health has taken a dip and I turn back to writing. I've spent the last few evenings just putting pen to paper and writing, but nothing makes me feel more connected to myself than writing on my blog. That is the way it has always been. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days and realising some things along the way.

In my life I have done so many things, so many good things, some bad things. I have gone through so much and got through all of it with strength I didn't even know I had at the time. In my life I have been in love, and been heartbroken. I have been in lust and broken some hearts. I've experienced pain in physical and mental forms that I never thought I'd have to experience at such young ages. I've seen bad things, I've done bad things. But over the past few days like I said, I have tried to remember all of the good things I can outweigh them with.

I could sit and focus on the bad but from this moment onwards I am going to try not to do that anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on the bad things and not enough time on the good. I seem to forget all of the good things I have achieved.

I forget that I got through some really rubbish illnesses when I was little, those were horrendous times but little me did it. She was so strong! I would love to be more like her again, to have her drive and her strength. I mean, I've hardly grown in size since then I am sure I can get her mentality back somehow.

I always forget that I beat anorexia. WHAT!? What an amazing thing that was to achieve, and I never give myself credit for it. Once upon a time that felt like the impossible but I made it possible with that strength that I always feel I never have, I did have it. I am living proof that I had that strength.

I forget that I lived in London for a year. Before that year I would never even walk into a shop on my own, I would never get a bus on my own, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question. Nothing. But off I went, a new city, all alone. I travelled alone, made new friends and went for long walks all on my own. I was a new woman and I did a great thing there.

I always forget that I've gone on amazing holidays and had experiences all over the world. I've gone from Sweden to Switzerland to Dublin to Austria, Europe has been my oyster and I've loved every moment I have spent on those adventures. Creating stories and memories that I can tell to people for the rest of my life.

I take for granted that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Family, friends, colleagues, they are always there to help me through and to make me laugh and smile when I need it the most. They have helped shape me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so lucky.

For me, it is time to start recognising all of the good things and stop giving so much attention to the bad things. What is the point, really? I have so many good things to remember and my whole life to allow more good things to happen. These bad thoughts are not important, they simply have no importance. They haven't done anything good for me over the years, they will not be things that I look back on and remember. All of the good times and things I have achieved? They are what I need to focus on. My strength to get through, my drive to get better even when it is impossible - these have to be my focus points from now on.

Bad thoughts? What bad thoughts?

Scared of dying but not living.

I'm scared of dying. Petrified actually, this whole thing with my health anxiety is based around the fear of being ill and having to end up in hospital and missing out on all that life has left to show to me. 

But in the mean time, I'm not living. I'm far from it. I am living a nightmare, that's true but living the life I am supposed to be living? Not at all. 

Miserable, in pain and scared. Those are the things that seem to define me on my journey with health anxiety. Where is the happy girl I know I can be? Where does she go when she's so frightened she just wants to sleep until it's all over. 

I went through a period of time where health anxiety didn't rule me, other things did and the sad thing is that sometimes I wish I had those other things again because I don't know what to do with the health anxiety thoughts. 

I fought an eating disorder, with that there were days which were so occupied by my fear of gaining weight and my obsession with taking photos of my body to see which bone was protruding that day where I never thought I would see a 'normal' day again. But I did, I had some normal days until health anxiety decided to return and rule the roost of my mental health. 

Oh, eating disorder, you could've stripped Shannon of life entirely but you failed? Maybe I'll just make her life hell then so she suffers that way. Thank you health anxiety, you're doing a great job of what you set out to do. 

I am sad. I am fed up. I am scared. This mental illness is one that I fear I'll never see the end of and I will be 75 and still scared of dying but the chances are it will be more likely then than it is now. 

I have always wanted to be in a position of helping others with their mental health, this is why I talk about it so openly but the truth is that I'm still so deep in it and I can't even take my own advice. God knows how long this road is, but I just want me back. I want her back so bad. 

What does one do when they are afraid of every strange feeling in their body, do they keep running to the doctors to just be dismissed with the whole "it's just anxiety" line again and again? Or do they just get on with it and if they die they die. Either way, it's a bit fucking shit. I don't know how to win this fight. 

I've done it before, I can do it again, sure. But as I lay here, eyes dry and head spinning from what everyone is telling me is anxiety and a sinus infection but my mind is telling me is a brain tumour, I can't really see a way out. I've had all the help I can, I've seen counsellors, doctors, I have friends and family who devote so much time to me but still NOTHING. 

Am I just so unwilling to get better? How is that possible? Who wants to live a life like this, surely no one. I don't, although people think I do when I am still so stuck in the horrible cycle of anxiety and I don't believe anything anyone says to me. 

Perhaps I'm just incapable of getting better but that's a very negative way of looking at it. (That is what I do best though) 

Writing it down helps me, you know, I like to get my thoughts all out onto this silly little blog that I've used as an outlet for years. I'm just waiting for the day I can write a post where I am no longer suffering and I can really help others.

I'll keep waiting for that day. 

Look Who Relapsed Again...

Me, THAT'S WHO.

Hi everyone, I flunked out on Blogmas and I apologise, I was really enjoying myself but then my brain took over.

So it was Christmas time and what happens to me over Christmas? I freak out. I have no idea why, because I love Christmas so much. It happens most years and that's just the way it goes, that is what I am used to.

Christmas was coming and I had great news, I'd landed myself a new job in a different department at work. 2019 was setting itself up to be the best year! But then sweet, little, innocent anxiety comes in to play some games once the good news settles in. "It's Christmas AND you've got a new job? Time to fuck it all up for you then I suppose"

There it all begins, I start getting pains in my left arm and I am convinced it's a heart attack waiting to happen. Heart palpitations and shortness of breath fill me daily, one 111 call later and that's over. But oh no, the next day is the 23rd December and a new symptom shows it's face, this time it's pains in my right leg. Immediately "I've got a blood clot" I tell everyone, jokingly I will say "I won't even see 2019, I have a blood clot" - funny joke Shannon.

This continued all over Christmas, the Thursday after Christmas I go to the doctors because I cannot deal with the discomfort anymore. The doctor squeezed my leg and said "you can walk on it, you're fine, I'll give you some painkillers" to which I reply "that's all you're going to say?" "yes, I'm giving you painkillers" - THAT'S ME DONE. I was upset, angry, I felt looked over completely. When really he was doing his fucking job and giving me the treatment he thought necessary.

All the while I am constantly reassuring seeking from my mum, dad, boyfriend, via whatsapp with my brother and texting my friend Ben. Anyone I could get the reassurance from I was chasing.

Sunday came and I decided it was time to call 111 again, that number has to be my second most called number under my mum, surely? "get to A&E within the hour, it sounds like maybe it could be a blood clot" this is fantastic, this is fucking fanfuckingtastic. My nightmare has come true, I was right and everyone was wrong. Look at me now anxiety, you were actually right for once!

WRONG.

I got to A&E, I wanted to go alone because my melodramatic head didn't want to ruin anyones day but my mum decided to join the fun party. "hmm, could be DVT (deep vein thrombosis) - we'll send you over to the GP". I could be dying of a blood clot travelling to my lungs and you are sending me to the G FUCKING P? I obliged, of course.

The doctor opened the door and he said "haven't I seen you before, at Pinewood?" and me, the embarrassed, anxious mess who had seen  this dishy doctor plenty of times replied "uhhh yeah like loads of times" he looked at me as if to say 'what this time?' - blood clots bro, blood clots.

He felt my legs, soft, soft, soft. "no sign of a blood clot here" and then went on to talk to me about my anxiety.

Ah, relief settled in for about 78 seconds. Knock, knock, anxiety here! Your leg still hurts so it's still a blood clot, that doctor who trained for years has no idea what he's talking about. We're about to switch the anxiety up by a level.

A couple of days passed, New Years eve happened and the pain was radiating through my leg the entire night. It's all fun when I'm around, trust me! My friends were the victims of my constant reassuring seeking, happy New Year everyone.

Thursday arrived and I needed more, I needed it because I could not cope. I saw a nurse practitioner who I had seen lots of times before, she is good to me. With the same complaints she felt my legs, she measured them too. If I had a blood clot in my tiny, little right leg it would be pretty obvious. My right leg was 1cm bigger than the left, fuck me, ginormous, call an ambulance!

"I think these pains might be due to a vitamin d deficiency" well, I've definitely felt the brunt of the dark Winter nights and mornings this year so this made sense. Although, I'd never heard of leg pains being related to vitamin deficiencies. So off I went for a nice afternoon blood test, just another day in the life of me!

The next day I had a phone call to tell me that my liver function was raised (alarm bells ringing), my iron was slightly low (nothing new) and my vitamin d levels were also low and I needed to go to the chemist to get supplements for the next 6 weeks. The doctor was right, she suspected something and she was right. When has this ever happened, anxiety? But then again, when have YOU ever been right, anxiety?

I go off and I start googling 'vitamin d deficiency symptoms', 'vitamin d leg pains', 'vitamin d anxiety'...the list goes on and all I'm doing is falling down my rabbit hole.

Today, I sit here with electric shock feelings going through my head and arms. What is that? A symptom of anxiety? Absolutely. Something even worse? EVEN MORE LIKELY, OBVIOUSLY - this is anxiety screaming at me.

Anxiety is always screaming at me. It's screaming at me to go to A&E, to go to the doctors, to call 111, to ask that question I've asked a million times already. It doesn't help. Anxiety is there thinking it is protecting me by catching something before it catches me, all the while it is killing me before its eyes. I am not living because anxiety is trying to stop me from dying. I am not dreaming because anxiety doesn't want me to die along the way to reaching my dreams. I am not fighting because anxiety has made me weak. I am not me when anxiety is in control, and in control it is.

Every relapse I have hurts me more than before, it hurts me to watch my family and friends, my lovely boyfriend go through this pain with me. They didn't ask for this, but neither did I. I asked for a happy, care free life. But maybe that was too much to ask of a brain like mine who wants to hold onto fear and try to keep me safe.

You are not keeping me safe. You are punishing me for trying to live. This is not fair. This is not the life we were supposed to be living.

Let me live.

Let me live.

Let me live.

I will get through this relapse, I will. The fight inside me aches to feel okay, it aches for happiness. I will get it, I promise.

I will never, ever give up on this fight. I have too much to fight for.

x

My Christmas Wrapping - BLOGMAS DAY 17

Hello everyone! Happy day 17 of Blogmas.

Every year one of the most exciting parts is the wrapping for me, I get so stoked and usually spend a stupid amount on the wrapping. This year I kinda did the same...but you know, shopping so much at Paperchase through the year means I get vouchers and points on my Paperchase card so it all works out just fine! 

Usually I go for a classic brown paper but this year I purchased the 'White tree on Kraft Roll' and 'Astro Christmas Roll' from Paperchase to just make it a little bit different, but not too drastic! 

Half the time I do wonder if anyone actually cares what their presents are wrapped like but I am honestly a wrapping snob. There, I admit it! I am a snob for good quality wrapping paper and if the wrapping paper feels like it's going to rip then it can just get out of my face. 

This year I purchased a pack of baubles (100 for £8.00) from Paperchase, I'd say that's an okay price for all of those baubles. Speaking of baubles I always fucking forget how to spell it, it's one of those things in life I will never get...K DEN. 

BUY FOR YOURSELF:

Astro 3m Christmas Wrapping Paper - £3.75

White Holographic Gift Tags Set of 10 - £2.00

White Glitter Gift Tag Set of 10 - £1.50

White Tree Kraft Roll Wrapping Paper - £3.00

20m Jute Reel - £3.50

Do you enjoy wrapping? Let me know what you've got up to with yours this year! 

Shannon x 

Letter to 2019 Me - BLOGMAS DAY 16

Good day everyone, I hope you are having a great day. Christmas is so soon! 

Now you know we love a good letter on this blog, so let's do a letter to future Shannon, shall we? 

Dear Shannon (...in the future) 

2019 is a new year with fresh starts in the palm of your hands. It is the most cliché thing ever to say 'new year, new me' so we won't say that. But it is a time where you can reflect and decide where you'd like to take the next 365 days.

You know, we've got so much planned haven't we? We've already got holidays planned, best friends are getting married (so now is a good time to really plan that hen do) and we are planning to move the fuck out.

Dan is working hard to get us to that point and you are too, you've proved that lately with aims to get a new job so we can progress and have a totally new beginning in 2019. 

I feel like 2019 is definitely going to be a year of growth, perhaps one of the most important years of our lives. We are going to grow up tremendously and you know what? I am so stoked to see how you grow. (You, being me of course) - it's time to crack down on the mental health stuff and remember that it's all going to be okay whatever happens.

Whatever happens right, everything is looking great so far. How cool is it going to be to be a homeowner? You could only dream of that a few years ago but you are entering another year with the love of your life with so many amazing plans. 

Love will continue to grow with you, everything has room for growth and that is the most important thing here. 

All I have to say to you is that you need to learn and grow from 2018, take the good with the bad and let it help you develop into the 2019 version of yourself.

It's going to be a good year. Period. 

Shannon x