My 2018 Goals

Hey everyone, firstly I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I have a good feeling about this one...especially after the shit show of 2017. What the fuck was that, universe?!

I've got a few things I'd like to do and achieve this year and I am confident and motivated to do them! Here we go 2018...

Start Yoga

I've wanted to start yoga for a long time now but have either not had the motivation or confidence to do it. I feel like it's going to improve my mental health so much and make me feel so well in general. My best friend Ben gave me such a lovely Christmas present with Yoga Dice so once I start in a class I can then do it at home. It's going to be a big step, to either go alone or with a friend. I'm excited!

Write more

Whether that is on my blog or in a journal, I just want to write. I love writing, it really helps me and is therapeutic. Hence why I tend to always write a long blog post whenever I am really struggling. I've attempted journals for years, I have tonnes of books but this year I am going to write as much as I can, when I can!

Start a Youtube channel

This is something I've wanted to do since I was younger, I attempted it once when I done a vlog about the One Direction premiere and it was fucking tragic. I want to start doing videos talking about mental health, getting it out on a different platform and in a different way. I think it will be helpful for me and for other people too, what do you think?

Stay tidy! 

A tidy room equals a tidy mind if you ask me! My room needs decorating, it hasn't felt quite like home since I moved back into it earlier in the year after leaving the house I was renting with my ex boyfriend. It needs some TLC and I need to look after it more, it's my home after all and where I spend a lot of my time. I want to do it all up, make it tidy and nice and I think my mind will feel fresh because of it!

Say yes to plans 

In 2017 I became nervous whenever plans came about, there was a handful of people I was okay with seeing and that was it. I want to go and see my friends India and Damian more and hang out in their lovely home, I want to see Dans friends more without feeling unnecessarily nervous (anxiety, please suck my dick) and I just want to say yes more! I want to text friends I haven't seen in a while and go for a drink without thinking it's a burden on my day, I just want to enjoy myself again and I am going to. 2018 is the year I become a more confident person.

BE HAPPY

This is my ultimate goal this year and forever on wards. I want to break through my anxiety, depression and whatever the fuck else is going on in my silly head and be the happiest version of me. I have so much going for me, I have the potential to move to a better job, I have amazing friends and family, a lovely boyfriend and inside I have the drive to move forward. I will be happy this year, last year I spent most of the time being sad and worried, not this year, no thank you.

I am excited for what this year has to offer, let's go 2018, let's make it a good one!

x

Acceptance of your Mental Health

As I grow I am really learning to accept my anxiety for what it is.

I guess I would see it as a friend, a weird fucking friend who wants to destroy your life but you can't let them go because they've been your friend for so long. So long that you don't know what you would do without them, because they seem to act like they know what they're doing, they've seen life in a different way and they want to keep you safe.

This is bullshit, they don't want to do any of those things for you. They are like a jealous friend who sees that you have a really great life and they don't have that so they want to destroy it for you so no one can be happy.

You seem to open your eyes and realise they are no friend of yours at all, they are evil and want to take all of the goodness out of you. What kind of friend does that?

I think looking at it that way really helps, you have to realise what anxiety is and what it is trying to do before you can accept it and move on.

So if you had a friend who was just nasty, you would eventually remove them from your life right? That's what you need to do here. Remove the toxic things from your life.

It is all about acceptance.

Have a chat with your anxiety, sit it down, tell it you've had enough...even tell it that it's a bitch and you can do better without them!

I realise that me telling you to sit down with you anxiety sounds nuts but...we're all nuts here, in a good way. I'm telling you all to do this, but really I need to be doing this myself.

I find comfort in writing these posts, they really help. If there is one thing I recommend in the recovery of any mental illness it is to write! Create a blog, get a cute little notebook, just write and write and write your feelings away. Get them out of your brain and see it all in front of you, it really helps.

Anyway, back to getting rid of your awful friend. As I said, accept it for what it is and one day you will learn to forgive them.

Accept and forgive, forgiveness gives you a sense of hope that things can move on I feel. If someone hurts you, you grow as a person and one day forgive them and it makes you feel good that you know you have moved on.

But first, accept it! Whatever it may be and learn to move on from it. It will be hard, you will sometimes feel like you need it so bad because you don't know what to do without it but you are your own person, not your mental illnesses.

Don't be tied down...there's plenty more friends out there to make!

Ways To Distract and Be Kind To Yourself...

Hello everyone!

So over the months I have been using distraction as a way to erm...distract myself...I fucking rule at writing. ANYWAY, when things are a bit shit I have to distract myself, thats the way to get out of the vicious circle that is anxiety. When I was in my darkest moments even distraction would not work and I still have those days now I'll be honest! But when I can distract myself it is good and it is fun. It is all about self love, looking after number one and treating number one to the goodness that the world has to offer.

I've just made a list of a few things to do when you need to distract or just simply be kind to yourself.

Have A Nice Bath

I am a Lush lover, perhaps even a Lush addict. So when I really want to wind down I will pick up a nice bubble bar or bath bomb and just chill the fuck out. I will put on Ru Pauls Drag Race on Netflix - and hope I don't splash water all over my laptop and destroy it - and I will just relax for a little while. Its a worry free zone and I love it. You can just have a nice bubble bath for half an hour and just relax, zone out and be with you for a minute.

Write About Your Day

I find this extremely helpful when I do it, or just writing in general! I've touched on this before where it is really helpful to write down 3 good things which happened that day and the more you do it the more helpful it becomes. It is all about reflection, if you have had a bad day that's okay, write about it and move on from it. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hydrate Yourself

I'm a bugger for not hydrating myself but I know it is the absolute key to getting on well with any day. If you are not hydrated then the day is tougher, simple as. This is one I'm going to work a lot harder on to do because I think it is going to make a huge difference in the act of being kinder to myself and also for my health in general. I recently got sent a Eau Good Duo by Black+Blum which looks awesome. It has a charcoal stick which acts as the water filter, which absorbs nasty tastes so you can drink that manky sink water all day long, NICE. I'm super excited to try it out and have it as part of my plan to be kinder to myself. They have a campaign here to get the product on the market so I really do recommend looking it up!

Go For A Walk 

Just push yourself to get out of the house, listen to some music and just take in the places around you. It's a great distraction and also just lovely to get out and give yourself some air. Go to a nice park or field, theres always dogs you can just go and squish (which is always the biggest bonus of all) - I'm planning on going on lots of walks this Winter with my dogs. We have a new puppy, I forgot to mention, his name is Teddy and he is just the sweetest.

Watch A New TV Series 

That is always a fun one and a great way to distract yourself on the tough days. My go to series all the time are Friends, How I Met Your Mother and Peep Show. However, every week I look forward to an hour of just chilling out with Dan watching Riverdale. It is nice to just have something there to look forward to, there is loads to choose from and all nice, chill ways to distract your mind! 

Try On New Outfits 

This is something I did A LOT when I was at university, every week I would walk to Topshop on Oxford Street and just try on loads of clothes and I loved it. It was something I really looked forward to doing and it was just a nice thing to do for an hour or so, trying on things I normally wouldn't and just having a nice time by myself without thinking about anything else. Just pop into your local town and have a look around and just have fun! 

Distraction really is key and I am learning this day by day, later today I'm going to mong out and play Sims because that is my favourite distraction ~if I'm honest~ and I can't wait! 

What do you do to distract yourself and what do you do when you need a bit of self love? Let me know! 

x x x 

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

World Mental Health Day 2017

Hey everyone,

The time of year has come again where we all seem to recognise mental health, and that's great. It should be recognised and fought for every single day but if one day makes more people stand up and talk and stand up and realise what is happening then again, that is great.

Over the last few months I have written quite a few of blog posts talking about how I'm getting on and my on going struggles with my own mind. With this I have had quite a few people come and speak to me about their own troubles and that is AMAZING. It's fucking terrible that they are struggling but thank God they are opening up, even if it is just to someone they don't know too well. I want people to feel like they can speak to me, I am just one person struggling, there are millions feeling the exact same way. This is something we all need to remember.

Today is a day for recognising our own battles, knowing we are fighting and we are going to win. Sometimes people don't make it through the fight and bless their souls for even trying, it's fucking hard, it's a real fucking hard fight.

I recognise my battle now, I see what I'm doing and I am getting better I need to remember this. A few months ago I was at crisis point, I wanted to be taken away and locked up and not let out until I was better but here I am sat at my kitchen table on my own and not being consumed by my thoughts entirely, I feel like I am breathing again. Slowly, but I am.

I am overcoming aspects of my battle one by one. I am really, really getting through my eating disorder. I am eating whatever I want to really and I am gaining weight. Sometimes I hate it and I hate looking at my body, the next minute I'm like 'WOW you have curves and those tits are the size of a house' (I literally love my boobs) - I always wanted to be little Shannon however I need to realise that I cannot always be little Shannon. One day I will have to be a mum and a wife and I cannot be those things when I was in that state. I'm getting better, I'm getting back the me I lost, I am getting her back.

Knowing I can get through that aspect is driving me to get through this little chapter too. I am seeing this as a little bump in my journey, one that will make me a lot stronger and one day I hope to help others.

I am rationalising things more, I am getting my energy and motivation back, I am learning to see reality again. I am getting there.

I hope anyone on their own journeys will continue their fight, you are so strong, you are doing so well to get up every day and face the day, I know it's hard but you do it. You should be proud of everything you do, one small step at a time. If you have set backs that is okay, a little set back does not take away all of the progress you have made. You are amazing and you deserve the world, continue on your journey and go through the door which is calling you. Behind that door is fun, love, family, friends and no demons trying to drag you down. Treat yourself with goods things, be kind to yourself, the journey comes to an end and we all need to know the end is just the start of an even better journey.

x x x

"Love" with Anxiety.

Hellooooo everyone another mental health post, oh me. 

I'm surrounded by love and support there's absolutely no denying that. I have more friends than I could ever dream of, I've always been lucky to find friends in different places. I have my life long friends, my work friends, my friends from uni, my online friends that I've met through bands and my international friends (Erin, that's you). I have so much love to shower me in.

I have a big loving family and a bloody lovely boyfriend. I love to love.

The hardest thing with suffering from anxiety and depression is to know that you're upsetting those who love you so much and those you love so much too. It's hard. It's hard to try to listen to them and take that as what is real and not the demons in your head, they love you after all they want to keep you safe - the things in your head want to make you feel unsafe for as long as possible. Logically, who should be listened to? 

The past 7 months I've been lucky to meet an amazing boy. I've touched on him before and how he came into my life at a point I wasn't expecting to love again. At that time I felt so unloved, so hurt and so alone, I didn't think I would experience love and care from someone again, especially so soon.

He saved me and that's putting it bluntly and he's trying his best to save me again. I didn't grieve properly at the time for my loss of a relationship and my grandad, I've put all of this 'mental breakdown' down to my lack of grief and it's presented itself in a fucking shitty way. But we all grieve differently! 

Now, it's so hard to fall in love when you're fighting your own head. You end up fighting the person who loves you for trying their best to help. He will spend hours on end reassuring me I'm okay when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves watching a film or going for a walk, you know the usual. He will try so hard and he will get angry and upset that I'm not changing. That's so hard but I never resent him for it, he's fighting for me too. 

I want to change for him, I see a future with him I've never seen with anyone else. A REAL future. He's mature, he has his head screwed on. He does things no one has ever done for me before.

He sat me down one evening and gave me a pen and some paper and said "write down your 5 year plan, what do you want in the next 5 years?" - I wrote the usual; in 1 year I want to feel happy and be driving. In 2 years I want to be engaged and be moving into my own home, in 3/4 I want to get married and in 5 I want to have a baby. He looked at the timeline and said "so shannon, where does all this bad stuff fit in? I never said don't write any negative things down. The brain tumours you're scared of don't fit in this timeline do they?" MIND BLOWN. He's amazing. 

He'd thought of that all just to help me see the reality of my anxieties. What fucking gift from the Gods does that?! HE DOES.

It's a tough journey but he's sticking by me, he hasn't given up through all of the tears and panics, he's trying to make me stronger and I can't thank him enough. 

To be in love is amazing, to be in love with someone who wants to help you become a better person, that's just indescribable.

I love you Dan.

All The Good Things

Hey sweets,

In times of poor mental health it is always easy to forget the good things you are surrounded with. It is also always easy for people to say to you "you have everything going for you, why are you letting this beat you?" - for starters, it's not a choice. To be depressed, riddled with anxiety etc is not a choice. It is a chemical imbalance, just a little error in the make up of our brains, going off track on the road you were following. But never a choice. 

I have been at the receiving end of comments like these, I know I am a very lucky girl. I know I have so many good things in my life but that does not stop anxiety being the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. It does not stop these thoughts when I am out and about having fun, they are always there.

However, it IS helpful to remind yourself of the things you do have to ground yourself. If you keep reminding yourself, keep thinking of the good parts of the day instead of the negative then eventually they will become the first thing you think about and the last thing you think about. 

I wanted to do a post about all the lovely things in my life. I'm having a bad day after making a slight bit of progress, my health anxiety is trying to knock me down, I'm having bad dreams and I'm exhausted but I'm going to take some time to just reflect and remember what I am fighting for. 

First of all...

My Family - 

My God am I lucky to have been blessed with this family of mine. My mum is my rock, she always has been and always will be. She is my world and my best friend and I am very lucky to have her constant support even when it all gets a bit tough. She has a lot to deal with but always puts me first, I could never pay her back for the love she has given me over the years. The only way I could pay her back is to recover, that's the biggest way I could pay her back for everything she has done for me. For her to have her girl back. 

My dad, one of my bestest friends on this Earth. He only wants to see me happy, he might have a more abrupt way of putting it than my mum but that is just him. That is who he is and who I love. He works hard to still support me when I need it even though I'm 22 and I've moved out and back 2 times already (fuck) but he doesn't stop and won't stop until the job is done. 

I am an Auntie to a beautiful little boy who brightens up every room he enters. He has changed all of our lives since he was born and I want to watch him grow, I want him to watch me grow too. I want to be able to take him out and be the cool Auntie every little kid deserves to have, right? He is a pleasure to watch grow and change. He is something to be very proud of and I really am grateful for his existence, he is a huge reason to keep going everyday.

My Friends -

I have always been lucky enough to be able to be surrounded by lots and lots of friends in so many areas of my life. I have my group of friends who have been there since high school, the 8 of us have a bond that will never go away. I am so lucky to have such laughs and support always. Especially from my best friend Ben, he is something else and he has been there through so many hard times.

I have friends from home, work, around the country and around the world and I feel so lucky to have been able to build ever lasting friendships with so many amazing people. I want to fight for more memories to be made. 

My Boyfriend - 

I met this boy earlier in the year in a time when I wasn't expecting to fall so madly in love. He saved me. Thats all I can describe that situation as, he picked me up in a time when the only way was down and I am forever grateful. He has been there through so much already and I love him for it. I see a life with him that will go on for a long time, I must fight for that future that I crave so badly with him. He's special and I've been given a little gift to have been able to fall so in love with him.

Then there's other things I'm so grateful for, my little puppies! Oh my god, I love my dogs. My counsellor once said "no matter how you see yourself your dogs will always love you, they don't care what you look like, what you do, how you feel, they will always love you" - there's no nicer feeling than being woken up by my little Sid, just this little creature wants to love me 24 hours a day and I love it.

I have access to help, I'm grateful for that. Without the help of the systems we have in place I would not be on the road to recovery. I know they are not great, they're not and even the NHS would admit that but once you find the right team you will get there.

I have a roof over my head, access to food, clothes, luxuries, I am grateful for all of these things.

I am able to go out and drink with my friends, socialise and have a laugh. Those are the times I look forward to the most, the nights where crazy memories are made. Photographs that I can surround myself with to look at when I need it, to remember what I'm fighting for. I have so many memories I wish to make.

I am a lucky girl. I have a lot to fight for and I will do everything I can to get there.

One thing I sometimes do when times are tough is I write 3 good things that happened in the day, even if the day fucking sucked, I will still try to source just 3 good things. Little or small "I saw some flowers" "I had a sick bath" "I had a good nap" - ANYTHING.

I first done that at university when my lovely friend Sanna gave me a notepad and we did it every night together because she wanted to help me get better (I love you, Sanna). This is a good way to reinforce positivity into a day and to keep it going for days on end.

Give it a try, it might make a nice change to the end of the day!

x 

Self Worth.

Hi everyone, I hope you are doing well! 

It's been a while, my life has been a whirlwind since the last time I posted, the New Year really treated me to a multitude of shite all at once. Thanks Universe. 

I had to deal with a break up, leaving a house and my Grandad passing away all in the space of a couple of weeks. Firstly, I was broken, didn't think I'd be able to cope. Then my Grandad passed away and as much as I fucking miss him and wish he was still here, it put life and everything into perspective. 

I haven't let myself wallow, I haven't sat around crying like would be expected of me in this situation. It has been an awful time, but my God it's made me so much stronger.

Never, EVER in my life have I realised my self worth. Never have I wanted to get better mentally and physically. But all of this happened and some sort of switch turned on in my head. I realised I was worth so much more than the way I was treated, I realised that life is too short to sit around and suffer. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be well.

I've been enjoying myself since all of this happened, I'm the happiest I've been in such a long time and really, I am so proud of myself.

I finally realise that as a person I am worth love, kindness and attention from the people who I want to give attention and love back to. I'm so happy for myself.

I have realised I am worth more than my eating disorder, more than my anxiety and more than my depression. I've been eating whatever I wanted (of course with the off days, normal in recovery) - I've been going out and having fun, spending time with some lovely people and treating myself to nice things. This is the nicest I've felt in so long, I am finally ready to live my life.

I'm now weighing up my options about the future, I'm looking into going back to University with people behind me who support me and want me to succeed. I am in a really good place. 

Basically, know your worth guys. Just know that you are worth love, happiness and good health. Look after yourself and get rid of toxic people who bring you down, life is TOO SHORT PEOPLE. You are worth all of those days where you treat yourself to nice things, you are worth the time you spend on yourself and only yourself, you are worth self love and self respect, you are worth the respect you deserve from other people. You are just fucking amazing and embrace it. 

I'll be back soon with regular posts, I just need some well earned me time!

All the love, x 

You're Doing Okay

Hey everyone!

Firstly I'd like to say a Happy New Year to you all, let's make it one full of positivity and love and all the good shit.

I've slacked so much on the blog lately and I've said this a billion times on here but my motivation has been fucked. I have been poorly over Christmas and not wanted to do a thing let alone blog.

I've got some blog ideas in my head so they'll come shortly, you know, the usual 2017 goals, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

For now though I wanted to just talk about what's going on, where I'm at, how I'm feeeeeeeeeling. Hi my name is Shannon and I suffer from an eating disorder, all kinds of anxiety and depression... this is your cue to say HIIIII SHANNON.

I thought I was doing so well, I thought I was proper tackling the eating disorder and following my meal plan to a T. But then I got a vomiting bug on top of being generally poorly (I still am, why God why!?) and there I was with my eating nurse yesterday to find out I've not gained weight at all. Fuck the fuck off body, fuck off.

I have been trying so hard to get better, so hard to be happy and so hard to get my blob back and this is the way my body treats me? I suppose it makes sense considering I've treated it like crap for the past however many years.

I was disappointed in myself, I felt like the biggest failure ever. I left and cried and cried, saw my friend and cried, saw my boyfriend and cried. I just feel awful about trying so hard and not seeing any results. I think that is the worst thing about it. I want to physically see results, feel the results and feel like there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.

I've relapsed more times than I can tell in my recovery, that's normal and no one would ever judge. I'm just my own biggest judge.

Then I told myself to shut the heck up and get on with it, add some more to my meal plan and not let that little voice tell me I'm just going to balloon and be awful.

I'm doing okay. I realised that I really am doing okay, I'm holding up a job, a relationship and running a house all while trying to get myself better. I've wanted to give up on all of those things multiple times recently because my mind just can't handle it but I haven't and I'm very proud of myself.

I want people to know that it is okay to be disappointed but really, don't be. You really are doing just fine, if you need time away from everything too, that's fine. I did that, I do that most months when work just gets a bit too much - I take time away from it because that is what my mind and body needs. Sometimes it really is too much.

If you're struggling and you need time for you, do it. You are the most important thing in your recovery, jobs, partners, friends, houses, they'll always be there at the end of the day. But you? You need to be there to appreciate all of these things when you're ready to. Look after yourself, treat yourself. Be kind and let yourself know that you're doing just fine. You're working your hardest at getting through the shit.

I think I say these things as an indirect way to speak to myself but I also want anyone who reads this to feel okay.

As I said, I'll be blogging more (hopefully when I feel better and my brain wants to cooperate with me) but again, happy new year! Enjoy and make it all worthwhile.

All the love, Shannon x

Positive Tuesdays: The One When I Went To Ireland.

Hiiiiiii guys, it's Tuesday it's time to be positive about the previous week. I've had a great one but also a very, very tough one in my little brain. It's a strange feeling when you're stuck in your recovery, when you also feel so lonely but you have amazing people around you...you just need those extra ones to show they care. OKAY NO, this is not the name of the game, if I want to be a negative Nelly then I will make a whole new post.

Anyway, this week was full of fun! To be fair I missed the previous week because I was in Dublin last week, so I'm literally going to do the last 7 or so days.

On Monday last week I set up the house all cute for Ryans 21st as we were going to be away on his actual birthday. I wanted to make him feel a little spesh for the day and give him his presents. I got him a Funko Pop, of which he has 15,583 (approx.) a tattoo voucher, Fallout Monopoly, a really cool wooden carving of Jason from Friday the 13th and the trip to the Guinness Factory. He was happy, I was happy, we were all happy. We then had his parents round for dinner and that was sweet, it's nice having my family and then being accepted into another.

On Tuesday we went to Dublin! Something we've been stoked about for months, I love seeing different places with him. We can speak for hours on end, explore new cities and learn about new things so sharing that with someone is so sweet and I couldn't wish for anyone better. 

Sweet pub through to Dinner with a Guinness.

The next day was officially Ryans 21st birthday! We got up and strolled around Dublin, went to a Church and then off to the Guinness Storehouse which I think was like Ry's idea of heaven/Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. It was actually so cool and I would seriously recommend it to anyone going to Dublin. I hate Guinness, Guinness is not for a girl like me. In the evening I booked us to go to Beef & Lobster in Temple Bar in Dublin. It was GREAT, Lobster? Do I like Lobster? Not sure. The process was fun but perhaps just the once, it was a really sweet restaurant though so again I would recommend that 100%, I followed up the meal with a Prosecco ice lolly and man, I was super about that life.

The next day we went to the Zoo and okay I know not everyone agrees with Zoos, I am super in the middle. I love seeing the animals, I also wish they were out in the wild but I also know they are looked after in their little homes at the Zoo. I don't know man, this post isn't a place for a debate with myself. But my god, Dublin Zoo is incredible. The enclosures were huge, the animals seemed to be so free! The Orangutang's could swing from one enclosure to the other and they went right over you, no net or anything, it was a real 'you had to be there moment'. The Wolves were all howling together, a sound I've never heard in my life, insane. The baby elephants were all playing in their water together, it was adorable and it was one of the best days I've ever had with Ryan. 

Then the last couple of days were spent just looking around, enjoying the city and each others company. As per usual. 

I haven't done much since, we had an intense game of Monopoly last night and I won (yes, you know I did)  and it's little things like that which make me content and happy. Being around good people with good vibes.

How was your week? Tell me all the good things, I would love to hear. 

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Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Everything to gain...

Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.

I've been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it's tricky. I've spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things - this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me... it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.

Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I've already lost myself - I have to get myself back.

Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you're scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it's SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I'm scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?

I even said the other day out loud "I miss how I was" I couldn't quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn't fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.

I don't think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.

To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don't want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn't actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn't like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.

I have strength to gain, I know I've lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don't trust myself to do it and I don't think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.

I have a lot of confidence to gain, I've never had it though. This has been the case forever, it's not something that has occurred with the ED - I've never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I'm not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.

I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won't have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.

See, when you're struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It's hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It's hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.

Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.

Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.

Update!

Hey everyone,

Oh me here again with more excuses as to why I haven't posted in a trillion years - I have many. I've moved house! I'VE ACTUALLY MOVED OUT. Myself and my boyfriend, Ryan moved out into our first little home together. It's so sweet, I am planning on doing a homeware post (am obsessed with homeware, have been since I left the womb - after I made that place all cosy of course.)

I've been working at the same job I've been working at since October, still there, still loving life :----------------------) take from the long ass smiley face what you will.

Finally, I've still been struggling with...stuff. I did one post on my Cognitive Analytical Therapy journey, ONE. I'm now on about session 12 out of 16 and I haven't posted any updates. How am I doing? Okay. I like the therapy and I like my therapist. That is really something I never thought I would be able to say. I'm going to miss my therapist when it comes to the inevitable end.

She is there to listen and help me grow and I am confused as to what I am supposed to do without her. I know I have loads of people around me, but she knows and she understands to the very smallest pieces of the problems. She helps me understand the problems myself that I didn't even fully get in the first place.

We've gone back to my childhood, pieces that could have contributed to the anxieties I have had for the majority of my life. It all makes sense, why do I have health anxiety? Perhaps the multiple hospital trips and operations traumatised me a bit and they're always at the back of my mind.

Ever since I can remember I have been terrified of needles, not tattoo needles though I'll have them poked in my skin anyday BUT IF YOU'RE TAKING BLOOD FROM ME I'LL LET OUT A NUG. I will never be a fan!

I've lived with health anxiety for a large number of years, the fear of dying is my biggest and it really is where I end up almost everyday when my anxieties get too month. One thing leads to another and it goes back there. I have a good day, feel I don't deserve it, oh what is that pain in my head?! It must be a brain tumour let's forget about the great day we've had and focus on that instead. Logical.

I have never felt like I deserve good things, I've no idea why. I moved into this house last week and two days later was full of dread and sadness, why the frick?! I was doing the thing I've wanted forever with the boy I've wanted forever but oh no, it's time to feel like crap about yourself.

Food, oh food. Where did the eating disorder start? Was it related to my low self esteem that probably stemmed from a problem I had inside my cheek when I was younger?! Maybe, it makes sense after all.

It all makes sense, I've been able to make sense of things for once and I can't wait to be fully able to do this and take all of the skills and tools I've been given at CAT and use them in my life everyday.

I can't wait for the day my recovery comes to an end, when I can say I'm no longer in recovery for I am recovered. Recovered from the eating disorder, depression and all the bloody anxiety. I can't wait and I'm so willing to keep trying my very best.

I love me and all of the hard work I do and I hope anyone else doing the same thing feels the same. You deserve that much.

I'll be back shortly to do a homeware post so keep your eyes peeled!

My Experience: Cognitive Analytic Therapy - Week 1

Hi everyone,

As my blog recently is primarily focusing on my mental health and my journey within the recovery process I thought I would document the new therapy that I have started today. Of course I have been seeing an eating practitioner since September, one before Christmas and one since Christmas - I really like her, and I've never built up such a relationship with anyone dealing with my mental health as much as I have with her. Which is the most important thing so you can be honest and let your feelings flow! 

Last week I met my new therapist which I have been waiting to see since September, I've seen many counsellors in the past and never found any of them helpful - sorry lads. However, this time it feels right and I feel like I can truly be helped onto the right path. In the past I have done CBT, and like anything some things work and some things don't, CBT was not for me and I insisted throughout my process that I did not want to do CBT  again. 

Here I am though, with my new therapist who today said she would like to try 'CAT' with me, that's Cognitive Analytic Therapy. 

'CAT stands for Cognitive Analytic Therapy; a collaborative programme for looking at the way a person thinks, feels and acts, and the events and relationships that underlie these experiences (often from childhood or earlier in life). As its name suggests, it brings together ideas and understanding from different therapies into one user-friendly and effective therapy.' - ACAT

I was told I would be doing at least 16 sessions, SIXTEEN. That's 16 weeks, four months, I don't know why but this made me so happy. Usually I'd be sighing the shit out of something like that, but the time and effort that is being put into making me feel better is heart warming really. I've never wanted to praise the mental health system as much as I do at the moment. 

We went through some pages today, like a questionnaire of some sort which looked at things like traps, snags and states. So states I get myself in, the first one was 'Zombie' - I have felt like a total zombie for a few days now so I immediately was like yES, THAT'S ME. My therapist asked me how it felt to know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, because there is tonnes and tonnes of stuff in CAT to help people just like me.

Honestly, it feels strange because with mental illnesses you feel so isolated and alone it is weird to think someone else in the world is sitting in their room just like you, in silence with nothing but their thoughts to guide them through. 

We also spoke about how my anxiety is a comfort to me...and how the last few days I have felt empty and alone and I'm not used to being 'empty'. If I'm not thinking about my health or all of the 34875844 things I think about then what is there left to think about? No idea. Very strange, my mental health is really all I know.  My mental health has kept me company for years and when it feels like it's not around I guess I do feel lost. I need to let that all go however and I feel like this form of therapy really is going to help. 

I really want to document my journey, please let me know if you have had an experience going through CAT I would really love to hear you experiences! 

Until next time x x x

Taking control.

Today I said something out loud that I've never really spent the time thinking too much about. On my way home from an appointment with my eating disorder practitioner, after realising that I really AM fully on the road to recovery I realised that I am afraid to be okay.

I said to my mum and my brother "I'm scared to not have anything anymore" - it sounds RIDICULOUS. But it was followed by a tonne of tears and a crying headache. It's the truth though, I feel like I am afraid of being okay because like I also said to them, I don't know who or what I am without these problems I seem to have grown up with since I was at least 10 years old.

From the age of 10 I've suffered with anxiety (health, general, social), depression, OCD and this bloody eating disorder. Who the fricken shit am I without all of these?! This person I am is all I know, I don't know who the 'real Shannon' is and it's pretty terrifying.

My brother and my mum went on to say "when you're being funny with that dry sarcastic sense of humour that's the real you, when you're with Ryan, that's you" and it's just odd that everyone else sees these aspects of 'me' that I don't even recognise as me most of the time.

My mum said that I'm somewhat going through a grieving process for the little knicks in my head that have controlled the way I've thought, the way I've lived and gone through my life over the years. She said that it's all horrible thoughts though, and when it's all gone and all better I'll just be...me?

IT IS A VERY STRANGE CONCEPT TO ACTUALLY GET MY HEAD AROUND. I've just never took the time to sit down and think about it, to realise that perhaps that's whats been holding me back. Because I'm too afraid to let go and be okay...as much as I really want to there is all these things in my head holding me back and I guess that's precisely what mental illnesses are. They try to take over your whole life, sometimes succeeding and not wanting to budge when you're taking control and doing something about it.

It can be repeated time and time again, I, you, we, are not our mental illnesses. We are who we are, we are the people who have our whitty, unique ways of living, probably funny (am I blowing my own trumpet? you bet your ass I am), loving, kind and caring people who have so much more to live for and so many more people who love us and to make proud. We don't need to let the shit in our heads hold us back, it's just a matter of finally taking control.

My boyfriend said that I'm feeling like this because new things are scary, that's it I guess. The feeling of being truly happy and okay in my mind is something I've never really known, it's new but it's nice, right? And why should I be afraid of that...

It's just a matter of time before I can finally say I'm there, I'M OKAY. I'm terrified, but I'm so open to letting it happen, to let the things in my head finally go and live the life I've always wanted to. Oh, what a day.

World Mental Health Day 2015

Hi hi hi, I never post anymore I am a poop head I'm sorry! I just have so much going on (that's a complete and utter lie, I'm unemployed, I have nothing to do)

It's world mental health day, a day close to my little heart. You know me, I'm very open about my mental health, it's very important to speak about it and keep it alive! The worlds backs should never be turned on the concept of somebodies mental health, keep talking about it and keep looking after each other - pEACE OUT.

I'm not actually done at all, I've not even begun! Where is my mental health at I hear you eagerly ask of course?! It's down the toilet with all the other poop in my life. I'm on the road to recovery, truly, I feel like I've been in this position about a million and one times in my life but this time if real recovery isn't at the end of the tunnel then I might just have to punch myself in the tit.

What's going on? What am I doing? I'm still on my anti-depressants, although they've helped me so, so much I feel it is time to ween myself off of them. My family might not be quite on board with the idea, but I really have the best support system I've had in 20 years and it's time I got off the medication and did it on my own. I will never criticise the power of these anti-depressants however, they've been a life saver. The past 10 months I've been on them have been amazingly different in some aspects, I'm not sure what state I would be in if I didn't get put on them in December - I thank science for creating such a thing. They really are a godsend.

I'm also now at an Eating Disorder clinic, with a really lovely lady! She is the best counsellor/practitioner I've had, ever. She understands, she's not lying to me and she wants to help me get better. I went there and she said to me "I promise you, we are not here to fatten you up, to turn you into a sumo wrestler" and the little ana bitch in my head likes to tell me I'm a lump of poo but my practitioner also told me to listen to those who love me, those around me who adore me for who I am and not to listen to the person in my mind wanting to ruin it all for me.

I'm on a 3 meal a day meal plan, hard to stick to but I will get there! I have so much to fight for, I have myself, my family, my friends, my cute little dogs and my wonderful boyfriend. The end of all this is near, true happiness awaits and I can't wait to reach that point in my life.

Mental health will never die, unfortunately. But as a society we can do all we can to fight it, fighting our own minds is never ideal but to reach happiness and to be content with our lives and ourselves it's what we must do. Never give up the fight! Show the cocks in your brain who is boss. Take control of your own life!

All the love in the world to anyone fighting, enjoy world mental health day by doing something you love - treat yourself! Remember what there is to love in the world.

x x x

What Keeps Me Happy…

Hiiii! It's been so long I am a poop, I lack motivation and Sims 4 exists… sigh.

I wanted to do a post about all the things that make me happy and that could maybe give you the chance to think about what could make you happy when times suck. I turn to these things when I'm having rough times so let me know what you do!

My happy box

My happy box (or hoarder box) is full of little memories I've collected through the years! It's full of photos, gig tickets, train tickets, random little things like confetti from gigs too! It's just a box full of things I can look at whenever I feel down and feel immediately happy, it's full of lovely memories that make me feel grateful for being alive and living the life I do.

If you wanted to make one just find an old shoe box, gift box, or anything and just fill it with tickets and anything that makes you happy! 

I want to also make a happy go to box full of a nice DVD, nice sweets, etc. That I can go to on proper poop days.

Colouring books

When I feel bored and overwhelmed with boredom I go to the colouring books, the trusty little colouring books. You can obviously get these everywhere because they're so popular right now! I don't even know why colouring is so therapeutic but it is, although I have to now buy books where the shapes aren't tiny because that stresses me THE FRICK OUT.

YouTube 

I can't help but spend hours on end on YouTube watching absolute crap, it's just something that keeps my mind going when I need it. 

Hanging out with my friends and family! 

There's nothing like it, there's nothing like having a proper laugh with your family and friends. I love going to the weekly pub quiz with my friends, it keeps me going through the week when I know I'm going to hang out with them for a few hours at the end of it! 

So even when times are rough always know your friends and family are there to help out and make you feel way good. 

Scrapbooking/Being creative 

I don't know what came over me but my creative mind seems to have truly taken over since I moved away. Maybe it's because I wanted to show that I could be creative, I don't know. But I LOVE SCRAPBOOKING, it's so calming and makes me smile so much to look back at all the amazing memories I've had throughout my life.

If you want to really make yourself feel good then do a scrapbook, it's not childish or anything it's just lovely to have somewhere to keep all of your memories that make you feel ace.

Going for walks 

I love going for walks, simple as! I love putting my headphones in and just taking everything around me in it really makes me feel good about life… 

There you go, those are a few things that keep me happy when things are a bit sucky. What do you do?! Let me know! 

I'm going to get back on this blogging thing, just have to find the motivation somewhere! 

x x x 

Blogmas: Day Twenty Three!

I missed yesterday I'm sorry! I can't even remember what I did yesterday but it definitely wasn't interesting enough to post about.

Today I went to watch Elf at the cinema, just to get into the festive spirit! Libby gave me these cute little polaroid things which has loads of things we've done together this year, Shibby always brings the party let's be honest. We've had another sick year and next year is set to be sweet too with 5SOS shows, All Time Low and front row at The Vamps already lined up, YAAAS!

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, so if you want to be slightly bummed out I'd leave now or if you want to be inspired to change then continue - I really want to make a change once and for all, no more hating myself, no more getting terrified that I'm dying, no more stressing, NOTHING. I want to like myself, just accept who I am and what I look like and realise that life is much more than the measurements on my body, that it is much more than the calories I consume, that it's much more than having a killer set of cheekbones. That's not what should be important to me. Instead I should put all that energy (like my mum says) into positive things, like my uni work, possibly finding a job in the area I'd like to work in…you know, stuff like that. I actually have a skills day at Heat Magazine next month and that has been my dream for so many years so to even step foot into that building is going to be huge for me! 

I really am just sick of being negative about everything, I want to turn it all around and I hope in the new year if you're struggling I hope you turn it around too. I hope you see the positivity light, see that life is much more than what is bringing you down. I wish you all the luck in the world.

See you tomorrow, Merry Christmas Eve Eve! 

Small Acts Of Kindness.

Hiiiiii, how are you? Good I hope.

I received a couple of things this week that made me really, really smile. It made me so happy that people want to make sure you're okay, they want to put a smile on your face and think about you for a moment. I mean I would never want someone to focus their time and attention on me but just a few words can really make your day.

Someone anonymously sent me this the other day on Tumblr and I was like woah… what a lovely person.

They wished me all the happiness in the world, but I wish them all the happiness in the world. Why? Because they took the time to construct a nice little paragraph to make me stop being sad for a little while, they didn't have to, but they did. How nice is that? 

Another thing was sent by my flat mate Joe. 

It reminded me how lucky I am to have met such lovely, kind hearted people over the past few months who accept my little problems and want to help me. They always check if I'm okay, they don't have to but they do and I really am super thankful for that and if I could repay them in the right way I totally would but right now the only thing I can provide is the odd foods here and there (doritos are always on the cards LADZ) ((and that's always good right?))

The whole point of this was to express how nice it is to have beautiful people in the world. Someone completely random could pop up out of the blue one day and make your day 1% better and that's better than nothing. That's really lovely and I think genuinely nice people who want to make others lives better are highly unappreciated and I would like to say right now that I appreciate you.