The Tinder Ghost

Hello everyone, old and new...

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on what has always been my beloved blog. The last time I was here was October last year, I'd just moved into my new flat and I was ready for a totally fresh start. However, in that time I'd lost any creative energy I'd ever had and my blog took the biggest back seat it had ever taken, it was at the back of a very long bus. The bus being my life. 

In the last year I've just been trying to figure out life as a 24/25 year old woman. What do I need to do in life to feel like I have some sort of purpose? Moving into a new home where my independence was absolutely all mine, I made the rules for myself and I could do whatever I wanted. It's just not as plain sailing as maybe you'd think or maybe I had hoped. I hadn't been 'on my own' properly for 4 years, being in and out of relationships I did not who I was by myself. I of course live with my best friend, although I'd say he's my biggest partner in life (we are joined at the hip) I still had to figure out life on my own, you know? 

I had to find out who Shannon was as a single, now young woman, in a town I was about to become even more familiar with. Living in the same place all your life is fun, but as an adult your world of course opens up to totally new things. I'd find myself - and still do - in the pub on a Tuesday night, it wasn't just a weekend treat anymore. I mean, it's a sick life I can't lie. 

So being single in 2020, what's that like I hear you all ask? Yes you, the ones with babies, husbands or wives, long term partners or with a committed fuck buddy. It is fucking hard. To put it so bluntly, I never knew how hard it was going to be. When I became single I thought right, fuck I've got to go and...date?! I'd been on 2 dates with my previous boyfriend and by the 3rd we were pretty much together, so I really had not experienced Tinder or Hinge or whatever at it's finest. So there I was, single, and I didn't properly start going on dates until the July which was 3 months or so after, and well it just chucked me right into the shit show that is millennial dating. 

Here's how it goes: You meet someone, go on a lovely, wonderful first date and then never hear from them again. Quite simply, they are a ghost hence the term 'Ghosting'. Let me give you an official definition from our trusty Urban Dictionary: 

'When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friends' phone calls, social media and avoiding them in public' 

Fuckers. 

I cannot lie, we've ALL done it to some extent but some people are serial ghosts, so much so maybe they are just dead? Or maybe just dead inside to their feelings and the feelings of others. 

It is brutal, imagine dating someone new and opening up to them. Telling them everything from your deepest anxieties, family history and all the things you love to the time you, a non smoker, smoke a cigarette out of your bedroom window because you were horrifically constipated. But then the next minute they are gone and you have to repeat the process again and again. It is never ending. 

Does it get easier? I don't know! I always had high hopes for Tinder and what not, I met my ex on there and had an almost perfect 2 year relationship from it, so it does work...for 2 years at least. Ever since though my life has been full of an array of dick pics, ghosting, drunken nights and drunken texts, kicking people out at 3am and calling people the wrong name at the wrong time. Although it all makes for fun stories, when does the break come?! When will I stop having multiple boys names in my phone where their last names are 'Tinder'? They must be a really big family.

I could talk about this forever and a day, I feel like I've had my fair share of experiences on the matter that I could write a whole book. I know I am not alone in the struggle of millennial dating, it's even harder in this 2020 COVID world where we maybe want to get closer to someone but is that even okay...do we push the boundaries for our own sanity or do we keep ourselves to ourselves. We all crave the touch and affection from other humans, it's natural but it's tough to go from one to the other and they all end up being just another experience. Mostly...bad. Really, let's just all give up the ghosting thing yes? Let's just all be upfront and honest, maybe it'll make the whole thing a little easier. 

What are your experiences with online dating right now? Please do let me know, let's chat about it.

I'll be doing many more posts on dating, I could talk about it all day. It blows my mind how crazy it can be! 

For now I'll be on Instagram on @alifewithambitions - let's chat, ease me back into this blogging world.

Take care x 

Christmas Gift Guide - Boyfriend Edition - BLOGMAS DAY 3

Happy Blogmas day 3 everyone! 

Todays is a little Christmas gift guide for the lads in your life. I find buying things for my boyfriend quite hard because he doesn't necessarily have a 'thing' and I'm like.......thank you that's super helpful. So I end up buying clothes and random things that I think will make his Christmas special. I think I've done a good job this year.

The below include a couple of things my boyfriend already has (Dior Homme makes me think of our first date together!) - the others are just little bits I came across and thought "yeah, someones boyfriend might like these". 

all photos are credited in the links below 

FIND THESE ITEMS HERE: 

1. Dior Homme Eau - £54 - £73

2. Posh Sandwiches Cook Book - £12.99

3. Knotted Leather Bracelet - Tommy Hilfiger - £39

4. Jack Wills Boxers 2 set - £25

5. Vans Old Skool Trainers - £57

6. Star Wars Drink Bottle - £20

Let me know what you are planning on getting your boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm pretty much finished but knowing me I won't stop buying him things despite this! I'm a spoiler... 

See you tomorrow! 

Shannon x 

You Bring Me Home.

Hello everyone, it's been a bloody long time hasn't it? If you weren't aware I've been spending a lot more time focussing on my YouTube channel and I seem to have abandoned my original outlet - this blog. If you want to watch me ramble, you can do so here

Anyway, on to todays post...

Look at my new little tattoo, isn’t it so perfect? 

I’ve done posts in the past about my tattoos and their meanings and this one is the one which people might be like “why the fuck have you done that” - you know what they say, don’t get anyone’s name tattooed on you. I learnt that from the best, my dad, I can still see a smidge of ‘Jackie’ and ‘Sharon’ under his weird tomato basket looking tattoo. My mums name is Paula, I don’t know these women and he learnt the hard way about getting names for tattoos. 

But then I’ve watched my mum ink her skin with my dads name 3 times, across her heart, on her wrist and on her wedding ring finger. My dad also has her name on his wedding ring finger, and I’ve always found it adorable. 

I don’t see anything wrong with inking your skin with an important name, why the fuck not?! Your body, your rules, right? 

My new tattoo is not a so painfully obvious declaration of love as it would be if I’d got “I LOVE YOU DANIEL MURDZZZZ” on my forehead. It’s song lyrics which I associate with my love for him. 

Mad? Weird? Absolutely crackers? Maybe. But I like to express my feelings in many a way. I always have, I am a creative person with a busy mind. How can I possibly show the person I love how much I love everything they’ve ever made me feel? I know, mark it on my body forever for him to see every day. He will then know all that he’s done for me. 

“You bring me home” - simple, and why does my love ‘bring me home’ I hear you ask? He is my home. 

He’s shown me love like no other, he’s cared for me in the darkest of times. He’s laughed with me at the highest of highs and cried at the lowest of lows. He’s there at the end of the day, he’s there in the middle so we can ask each other how badly our days are going. He cuddles me to sleep, he wofts his morning breath my way in the morning. He’ll eat nasty Tesco chicken nuggets with me and moan about the pointless use of garlic. He is my other half and he is my home. He is my love and he is my home. He’s seen me go from bad to worse, but at the end he’s brought me home. He is my home. 

I adore this human with all of my heart, and I will express my love for him in many forms of art. I will write him letters, type write little things I love about him and put them in a box, I will send him smooshy, unreasonable texts at silly hours of the day. I will love him with every piece of me and he will do the same back. He’s special. 

He is my home and this one is for you, Dan. 

(Let’s hope we don’t break up, if we do this tattoo is harry styles lyrics n I just love harry styles OKAY?)

Mental Health: A Boyfriends Point Of View

Hello everyone!

Happy Sunday, here we are, part two of my three blog posts with my loved ones on mental health. This time it is with my boyfriend, Dan. I have spoken about Dan so many times on this blog and in real life, he is my main talking point.

I've spoken about being in love when having anxiety before here - it's fucking hard. It is so hard, to put someone through something when they have the choice to leave, it's hard to try and hold on to someone. But with Dan, I don't feel like that although I will always say to him "you could have a much easier life with someone else" he has not once said he wants to run away, not once. He has been my safe place since day one, he's amazing. I love him very much.

Here is Dans point of view...

"Hello to everyone who reads Shannons blog, either to find inspiration with their own struggles or finds comfort in something they can relate to. 

Firstly I would like to give you a bit of background on how me and Shannon met, it probably is a rather typical way of meeting people these days as we met on Tinder.  This was a way we didn’t really expect to meet anyone, it all started with me leaving my phone in my best friends car, I came up with a stupid message that I had to drive all the way to his just so I can message her.  Stupid and cringe I know! Please forgive me….. 

Either way from that moment me and Shannon have been non stop talking and I found a truly beautiful and wonderful person. 

Although Shannon had always been open about her health anxiety and always been open about having an eating disorder, I had never truly experienced these things in person. I have to be honest, mental health was something I didn’t understand or take seriously. To anyone who hasn’t seen mental health or experienced it themselves first hand I totally understand why you would think ‘just let it pass’, ‘get a grip and get over it’...I have been there, but I have to say I was wrong and if anyone does think that, well it couldn’t be further from the truth.

The first two months I saw none of Shannons mental health struggles and I thought ahh here we go… It doesn’t exist… EVERYTHING was amazing, we fell in love (quickly) but sometimes when you know you know. This was totally the case with me and Shannon. I have never met anyone I can relate to more, never met anyone with so much depth and beauty! But this girl was and still is right there in front of me. I want you all to know that even though this all changed when her mental health started to grow and became a part of my life the way I feel about her has never changed. I still see the smiles the laughter and amazing person SHE is. Through the pain, the upset and the bad days, there are amazing days and memories we have made that I will cherish for the rest of our lives.

Shannon has told me to be totally honest, say if things make me mad, angry, sad and to tell you all if I  ever have thought "you know what FUCK THIS I am out of here".  There are times that I get angry, of course there is. I have my own crap days, tough days at work/home. This means sometimes my patience before I see ‘RED’ is a little bit lower or I have little less I can handle. I know that Shannon totally understands this, she doesn’t want her mental health problems to hurt me, anger me, the words she says just come out. That, in my eyes isn’t her saying them, they are this completely different persona feeding her these things to say out loud. 

I come home and JUST before I walk in I think "what Shannon am I getting today?" I pray everyday that I come in and she is smiling. I know that isn’t always going to be the case, but it doesn’t stop me begging for it. Although Shannon is ALWAYS happy to see me come through that door her reasons maybe different at times, this is the same with anyone. Sometimes its so she can unload the crap day she has had and the crap day I have had. Sometimes it is because she genuinely is happy to see me. But someone suffering with health anxiety also thinks "OH MY GOD DANS HOME he can tell me if I am okay". I get questions like 'do my eyes look okay?' 'My head hurts is it a brain tumour?' Now I can tell you my job isn’t a doctor I work for Nationwide Building Society……. So answering these questions only comes down to me knowing the real issue. Shannon is suffering with an illness, but its not the illness that she thinks (brain tumours, cancer, more recently tetanus) it is her health anxiety. These are the reasons I can say tell her 'no its not this' or 'yes that is normal…' 

As I previously said when me and Shannon first got together I didn’t see any of this. The first month we had nothing but happiness in each others company. I think when you get that first stage of a relationship nothing will ruin it… After that I actually totally relied on her as the other most important lady in my life got struck down with her own mental health issues. Of course that person is my mum… I had to be at home A LOT and away from Shannon and be there for my mum and dad. This was a truly defining moment in mine and Shannons relationship. I told her that I couldn’t spend the time I wanted with her and we had been together a month. I had broken down and cried to her already.. I told her that if she wants out she can go now. I couldn’t give her the time that she deserves. Instead of running away from me, Shannon made her house my own. She set me up with a drawer in her chest of drawers with clothes and deodorant. She told me "if you ever need to get away for the night you can come here". She made her home my safe haven to get away to. That to me was a truly remarkable and wonderful thing to do. Shannon was never scared of her own mental health problems and never scared of my mums having an effect on our relationship, she embraced it. 

This brings me to the first time I saw her mental health problems. We went to London over night to escape everything from home. All was fine until we had to go home and we were sitting with her best friend Sanna in the restaurant Giraffe on South Bank. Shannon started saying she saw a little light in her eye floating…. Boom! Suddenly Shannon thinks she has a brain tumour. Although the floating light went, the thought of brain tumours stayed. Suddenly the mental health problems I thought that didn’t really exist were coming to life. Now I had the chance to go run away, get scared, mad, sad. I didn’t...I embraced it, Shannon had done that beautiful, amazing thing for me and I still believed and again still do believe I am the luckiest boy in the world to have her and I started to fight her corner from this day. 

Am I scared of her mental health? Yes of course there are things I am scared of… I am scared how it will impact our future. BUT it is OUR future and I will not allow it to break us. What I am not scared of is her health anxiety persona. I know that this battle is our battle now and together we will defeat it. We will learn ways to make her stronger and in turn make that weaker. She has always told me not to think I can save her. I totally agree, Shannon has to tackle this herself but she can tackle it with the support of me and Ben who previously posted and her mum, dad, brother and friends. Some days I am sad about it, I see how it breaks her down and ruins her days and when you love someone and you see an illness break them down of course it breaks you but it doesn’t stop me getting back up and it doesn’t stop her. Anyone fighting mental health whether it's my mum or Shannon or anyone, I am truly proud of the struggles you go through. I am merely an outsider I have never had these issues myself but just know that I understand. 

If anyone was to ask how I feel, I would say I feel lucky to have her, I feel blessed that I get to spend everyday with her. Okay maybe we have problems like any relationship. Yes her mental health can completely take over our days sometimes. Yes she is always fighting the things in her head in the fear she mentions it I will get mad. But I still feel lucky and she needs to know that is enough for me, to have her and be able to make the memories we do is enough for me. Shannon does some really amazing things and sometimes she forgets what a beautiful person she is inside and out. Her pain can take over and make her think she is the worst person in the world when really...she is the most caring person I have ever met." 

I said this last time, that when you are deep within the grips of your mental health you kind of forget about the ones around you and how they feel but I am so aware of Dans feelings. I cannot wait to be able to get through a day without falling into my anxious trap and to get through it to be wit Dan at the end of it.

I found a little gem here, I want to keep him for a long time... 

Mental Health: A Best Friends Point Of View

Hey everyone,

Welcome to part one of three...I am starting a new little 'series' where I will get 3 of the most important people in my life and my mental health journey to just talk a little about how it has affected them.

First of all, my best friend Ben

Ben has been my best friend for many years. We met at school, I used to go into one of the blocks and watch him play ping pong and then he would come over and make me laugh until I wanted to pee (he still does) 

We have a very special friendship, I love him like a brother. I laugh, cry, smile and share all of my memories with him. He is family.

I would not have been able to get through so many things in my journey without him there to catch me on the bad days. He's been there through the highs and the lows, the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression and the break ups. He was always there. He's been there from celebrating successes in life, to watching me breaking down because I didn't want to live when I broke up with my ex. 

He has watched me in these times a lot more than my other friends, I see him every week and share it all with him. He has experienced it first hand and has become a safe place for me.

That's the thing when you are suffering, you collect all of the  things or people which make you feel safe. It's their choice if they want to stick around - Ben has, for that reason I am so lucky. 

This is Bens point of view... 

"I don’t actually the remember the first time I met Shannon (she clearly doesn’t mean that much to me). I reckon it was probably in Media class in high school; whilst I was being a teacher’s pet she was probably, well, doing the same. It was only when we became really close that I began to learn about Shannon’s mental health and to tell the truth, the first time I’d learnt about mental health at all. Being a young, impressionable (nerdy) young man, I can’t really recall being aware of a thing called ‘mental health’ because I nor my parents had come into contact with it and even if they had, they wouldn’t have told me.

As my friendship grew and grew with Shannon during and after our education, she became like a sister to me. I now know everything about Shannon; what her habits are, how her mind works and unfortunately, how fucking awful her farts are. This closeness meant Shannon was much more susceptible to opening up to me and in time, I began to understand how such a crippling affliction affected pretty much everyone, including me (and if you think it hasn’t, then well, you’re lying). 

On the eating disorder - 

She was always obsessed with her image and was constantly concerned of what people thought when they looked at her. Personally, I think the plague of social media didn’t help and I’m sure the same goes for many young girls, and boys, of that age. I always did and still do find it frustrating when Shannon asks ‘Do my legs look massive?’ or ‘Do you think I have a big belly?’. No matter how many ‘No darling, you look fine’ one-liners I pumped out, Shannon refused to believe me, or anyone else for that matter. She’s improved a hell of a lot in that sense over the years so bloody well done to her and I hope one day she will be able to see what we all see, a beautiful woman full of life.

Selfishly (or selflessly, depending on how you look it), I have always preferred talking about Shannon’s problems compared to mine because…

1) Shannon’s problems are always real problems that affect her day to day life. My latest girl problem or aggro at work doesn’t even come close to what Shannon has to deal with on a daily basis.

2) If Shannon needs to talk to me, I want her to. I never want her to feel like she can’t open up to me.

On the 'break up' - 

The break up was a bloody awful time for Shannon. The way the whole thing unravelled was heart breaking for me to watch but obviously, a living hell for Shannon. That whole time really affected her and was a big setback on her road to recovery. She thought she had everything she needed and was convinced she was set for life; I thought the same thing for a time too. However, it didn’t work out and it really broke Shannon. I tried to be there as much as I could but the damage was already done and I hope Shannon never ever has to go through anything close to that again. However there is one big positive to take from that utter shit storm. She must take solace from the fact she got through that. She was strong, resilient and dealt with everything she faced like an adult. I can definitely say I am nowhere near strong enough to get through something like that but Shannon did, and that says a lot about her as a person.

How it affects me sometimes -

Sometimes I do feel helpless. I have gone home countless times from spending time with her asking myself ‘How can I help more?’ or ‘How can Shannon fix this?’. I have always been naive enough to believe the answer is in books - hence me buying her some sort of well-being related book EVERY Christmas and birthday (Sorry Shannon). But I think the answer to this is people. Shannon has some fantastic people in her life; a loving family, supportive colleagues, caring friends and praise the lord, an awesome boyfriend. As long as these people continue to talk and support Shannon and she continues to offload her thoughts onto them, she will one day beat this. Talking about stuff is key, NEVER bottle any problem up, no matter how big or small.

To bring this poorly written, grammatically incorrect monologue to a close, I feel incredibly blessed to have Shannon in my life. I take great comfort that whatever problem we face in life, we will share it and tackle it together. I am overwhelmingly proud of Shannon. She plays herself down but deals with so much shit and just keeps on going. I know one day she will beat this, she is way stronger than she thinks. 

(Now she promised she’d pay me for this interview and she ‘claims’ she sent a cheque in the post. Let this post go on record, I HAVE NOT BEEN PAID. I will be suing)." 

Sometimes I forget that there are other people involved in my journey, as much as I care for others sometimes I am so absorbed in everything in my mind that I forget about my friends and family for that split second. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to listen to my family, my friends, their stories. I want to get better for me primarily but for others too, like Ben. Someone who has always put up a fight for me, for that Ben, I thank you. 

"Love" with Anxiety.

Hellooooo everyone another mental health post, oh me. 

I'm surrounded by love and support there's absolutely no denying that. I have more friends than I could ever dream of, I've always been lucky to find friends in different places. I have my life long friends, my work friends, my friends from uni, my online friends that I've met through bands and my international friends (Erin, that's you). I have so much love to shower me in.

I have a big loving family and a bloody lovely boyfriend. I love to love.

The hardest thing with suffering from anxiety and depression is to know that you're upsetting those who love you so much and those you love so much too. It's hard. It's hard to try to listen to them and take that as what is real and not the demons in your head, they love you after all they want to keep you safe - the things in your head want to make you feel unsafe for as long as possible. Logically, who should be listened to? 

The past 7 months I've been lucky to meet an amazing boy. I've touched on him before and how he came into my life at a point I wasn't expecting to love again. At that time I felt so unloved, so hurt and so alone, I didn't think I would experience love and care from someone again, especially so soon.

He saved me and that's putting it bluntly and he's trying his best to save me again. I didn't grieve properly at the time for my loss of a relationship and my grandad, I've put all of this 'mental breakdown' down to my lack of grief and it's presented itself in a fucking shitty way. But we all grieve differently! 

Now, it's so hard to fall in love when you're fighting your own head. You end up fighting the person who loves you for trying their best to help. He will spend hours on end reassuring me I'm okay when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves watching a film or going for a walk, you know the usual. He will try so hard and he will get angry and upset that I'm not changing. That's so hard but I never resent him for it, he's fighting for me too. 

I want to change for him, I see a future with him I've never seen with anyone else. A REAL future. He's mature, he has his head screwed on. He does things no one has ever done for me before.

He sat me down one evening and gave me a pen and some paper and said "write down your 5 year plan, what do you want in the next 5 years?" - I wrote the usual; in 1 year I want to feel happy and be driving. In 2 years I want to be engaged and be moving into my own home, in 3/4 I want to get married and in 5 I want to have a baby. He looked at the timeline and said "so shannon, where does all this bad stuff fit in? I never said don't write any negative things down. The brain tumours you're scared of don't fit in this timeline do they?" MIND BLOWN. He's amazing. 

He'd thought of that all just to help me see the reality of my anxieties. What fucking gift from the Gods does that?! HE DOES.

It's a tough journey but he's sticking by me, he hasn't given up through all of the tears and panics, he's trying to make me stronger and I can't thank him enough. 

To be in love is amazing, to be in love with someone who wants to help you become a better person, that's just indescribable.

I love you Dan.

Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Homeware Haul Part 1!

Hello everyone, I'm on a roll! So this shall be my first of a few homeware hauls, we haven't got everything in the house yet  - I'm currently sitting on a pile of blankets and cushions while we wait for the sofas. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor while watching the telling which is also on the floor, I think it's kinda cute though. In years to come me and Ry can be like "so we spent weeks on the floor... WEEKS." 

I'm not too good at this whole living away from home thing just yet, I know I lived in London for a year but I spent most of that eating doritos hungover in a mess in a duvet burrito. Tonight I tried to boil an egg...3 times. THREE TIMES, T H R E E. Not once, not twice but three times. That's a waste of three whole eggs, don't tell Ryan he'll get the waste police on me.

ANYWAY, we picked up some really sweet little bits to make this house a home! There's still so much more to add, but here are a few of my favourite little bits that we picked up. 

Firstly let's go to the kitchen, we went for copper! We could have gone OTT with the copper but of course we were not sure what the kitchen would look like (we've been collecting things since the start of the year maybe?) - however we bought some very sweet pieces. 

We got the Tea, Coffee and Sugar pots from Next (£16.00), well my parents bought these as well as the kettle which was from Sainsburys. We then purchased the Toaster from BHS (RIP, forever in my homeware loving heart) - this was I think £23 instead of £40?! Throughout the whole search we made so many savings it was nUTS. The knife set for example which I think is like Ryans child was £36 instead of £120, I'm sweating. 

We then got these sweet little mugs with a voucher I got for my birthday from my friend Ben, because aren't they just cute. I love these little Alphabet pieces. These were £4.00 each from Next! 

Onto the living room, very incomplete as I previously said with the lack of sofas! But once everything is in I'm going to do another post - especially when I get the desk in the spare room aGH. Anyway, back onto the living room we got these beautiful effing cushions oh my GOD. They are the most beautiful things I've ever set eyes on. These are from Marks & Spencers, they were pretty steep at £15.00 each and are like the size of a pea but still wow. Cutest little things again on the whole alphabet theme so people know whose house they're in, right? 

oH MY GOD I LOVE THEM

Now the bathroom, upstairs we got some lovely lilac bath mats which are just beauts but I haven't taken a photo of them. The picture below is the beautiful toothbrush holder with a sweet little heart pattern from Sainsburys! We got a matching soap dish and toilet brush holder  - they're just so sweet. The only annoying thing is not being able to have the tiles and flooring that we would like as we rent, but we've made it all work. Here's just a little peak at the toothbrush holder! 

Moving on to the random little bits around the house, one day I purchased this cute little chalkboard from Tiger. I'm pretty sure it was about £7.00 but I honestly cannot remember it was months ago, it's so sweet though we keep writing each other little messages when the other is at work or messages for when the other gets home from work. It's quite hard to work such different times from each other, but little messages are very cute to come home to. 

These little vases from Next, no longer available though bOOOOO. But they actually inspired the colours I wanted in the accessories for the living room, I think I'll be keeping these in the living room and not in our bedroom. They were £5.00 down from £14.00 in the sale, honestly we should have our own bargain hunting TV show. 

Finally, I'm going to show you our bed cover! I'm really unsure what colours we should have in the bedroom. Until we get furniture I don't think I will be super sure but anyway we picked these super sweet bed covers up from Tesco! I'm pretty sure they were also in the sale, they look like little watercolours and you know I love me some watercolour. Ryan looks pretty wrapped up in it. 

So that is the lot for now, like I said I will do another once we get more stuff in the house and it all starts coming together. Oh, it wouldn't be right to leave this post without showing you a bit of Ryans nerd cave... 

This is in the spare room and on the other side of the room I'm going to have a desk and it's just going to be mega sweet.

I hope you've enjoyed this post, share with me your love for all things homeware in the comments! 

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Update!

Hey everyone,

Oh me here again with more excuses as to why I haven't posted in a trillion years - I have many. I've moved house! I'VE ACTUALLY MOVED OUT. Myself and my boyfriend, Ryan moved out into our first little home together. It's so sweet, I am planning on doing a homeware post (am obsessed with homeware, have been since I left the womb - after I made that place all cosy of course.)

I've been working at the same job I've been working at since October, still there, still loving life :----------------------) take from the long ass smiley face what you will.

Finally, I've still been struggling with...stuff. I did one post on my Cognitive Analytical Therapy journey, ONE. I'm now on about session 12 out of 16 and I haven't posted any updates. How am I doing? Okay. I like the therapy and I like my therapist. That is really something I never thought I would be able to say. I'm going to miss my therapist when it comes to the inevitable end.

She is there to listen and help me grow and I am confused as to what I am supposed to do without her. I know I have loads of people around me, but she knows and she understands to the very smallest pieces of the problems. She helps me understand the problems myself that I didn't even fully get in the first place.

We've gone back to my childhood, pieces that could have contributed to the anxieties I have had for the majority of my life. It all makes sense, why do I have health anxiety? Perhaps the multiple hospital trips and operations traumatised me a bit and they're always at the back of my mind.

Ever since I can remember I have been terrified of needles, not tattoo needles though I'll have them poked in my skin anyday BUT IF YOU'RE TAKING BLOOD FROM ME I'LL LET OUT A NUG. I will never be a fan!

I've lived with health anxiety for a large number of years, the fear of dying is my biggest and it really is where I end up almost everyday when my anxieties get too month. One thing leads to another and it goes back there. I have a good day, feel I don't deserve it, oh what is that pain in my head?! It must be a brain tumour let's forget about the great day we've had and focus on that instead. Logical.

I have never felt like I deserve good things, I've no idea why. I moved into this house last week and two days later was full of dread and sadness, why the frick?! I was doing the thing I've wanted forever with the boy I've wanted forever but oh no, it's time to feel like crap about yourself.

Food, oh food. Where did the eating disorder start? Was it related to my low self esteem that probably stemmed from a problem I had inside my cheek when I was younger?! Maybe, it makes sense after all.

It all makes sense, I've been able to make sense of things for once and I can't wait to be fully able to do this and take all of the skills and tools I've been given at CAT and use them in my life everyday.

I can't wait for the day my recovery comes to an end, when I can say I'm no longer in recovery for I am recovered. Recovered from the eating disorder, depression and all the bloody anxiety. I can't wait and I'm so willing to keep trying my very best.

I love me and all of the hard work I do and I hope anyone else doing the same thing feels the same. You deserve that much.

I'll be back shortly to do a homeware post so keep your eyes peeled!

Valentines Day Is Approaching!

Hiiiiii guys, it's that time of year again where all the loners of the world come together to spit on everyone in luv, I feel you - not really, I'm not bothered at all and definitely DID NOT practically beg for someone to send me a V-tines day card the other night when I was very merry, definitely not.

Last year I did a post about all the things you could do as an alternative to being with someone on Valentines day which you can read here! But this year I'm going to make you even more emo and look at some marriage proposal videos lolzzz.

The lovely people over at Two Little Fleas contacted me with a whole bunch of marriage proposals that'll make you super emo that no one is proposing to you at this very moment. Check them out down below if you please and wallow in self pity, just like we love to do at this time of year.


View original version (via Two Little Fleas).

Personally, my favourite is number 10 because it's crazy cheesy and I'm laughing so hard right now. (I'm so sorry)

Which one is your favourite?

I'd quite like to be proposed to with a pizza and a bottle of pepsi max but that's an absolute lie I hope the guy goes all out and it's super magical but I'll keep waiting.

Have a v merry Valentines day next week!

Blogmas: Day Twenty Four! CHRISTMAS EVE.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! Tomorrow is the big day, are you excited? I AM.

It's been an ace countdown, done so much festive stuff and truly feel super Christmassy and I think a lot of it was due to being away from home and doing the cute little drive home for Christmas. It was just very nice and I'm feeling good.

I spent last night with my brother and his fiancé, we had Asda pizzas and they are the best, if you've never had one like some people I've met at uni haven't then what the FRICK is going on! That is a disgrace, get down there now. I went into their bathroom and saw this…

I appreciated it more than a 19 year old should have.

Today I've been doing usual Christmas Eve stuff with my family, after going midnight grocery shopping last night I was super tired so didn't get up until it was time to go out for breakfast with my parents which was nice. We then went around all the families houses doing usual Christmas duties, dropping off presents, collecting presents (lucky us) and wishing everyone a v merry Christmas. I made pigs in blankets just now, stealing my nannies thunder oops. Then later on my brother and Chelsea are round for dinner before tomorrow, ahhhh I feel so warm and fuzzy as we're just watching The Grinch.

I can't wait to have a beauts day with my little cousin as well tomorrow! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and day 25 might have to be a bit late and come on Boxing Day depending on how busy the day is! 

Have a good one! 

x x x 

Blogmas: Day Fourteen!

I'm still lacking on the super Christmassy posts which is making my blogmas seem like boremas but I've got lots planned to do leading up to the big day so stick with me, please!

This morning I went out and about with my parents just like I used to before I moved away and saw my beautiful little cousin who was kitted out in the cutest tartan skirt, AGH. 

I'm going out for dinner with my friend later for a long overdue catch up which shall involve revealing all of my tragic university stories haha. I'll update you later!

Okay, it's now super late my apologies! I went out for dinner and had a lovely catch up with one of my best friends Shanice. It was really nice, we went to Frankie and Bennys and I had a bbq chicken pitta and a pancake for dessert, my bad body image mind is hating me enormously right now but in all of my positivity I'm trying to fight it and remember that Christmas time is a time for happiness and stuff, so I'm trying my best to remember that I deserve to enjoy nice food whether my mind wants me to or not. ANYWAY, mental illness recovery aside - we had a lovely catch up and it reminded me how beauts it is to have a friendship where we can go months without speaking but then get together and it's like we've never been apart, Shazzaniqua united 5evz.

Tomorrow I'm going to have some quality time with my mum, perhaps see some friends and sort out my plans for the week!

I hope you had a nice day, byyyyeee. xx 

Blogmas: Day Thirteen!

Currently 8 am and TODAY IS THE DAY. I'M GOING HOME. QUICK, I'm about to break out into the going home song from Radio 1. Currently listening to Driving Home For Christmas, I'm just sat in my bedroom so you know being a little bit ahead of myself but I'm just so excited!

I'm meeting my parents at the South Bank to look at the Christmas market then we're getting all my stuff and I'll be going home for 5 weeks GAH. Mums prepared a mac and cheese for me too, what a gal.

I've been listening to Michael Bubles Christmas album, I know I keep going on about Christmas (it's Blogmas, this is acceptable) but I'm so stoked this year, the past few years have just been like eh but being away I think has made me appreciate everything, life and everyone so much more. I can't wait for the day, I can't wait to buy and create the gifts I'm getting people this year, it's going to be weird and different with my brother living elsewhere for the first time but as long as I've got my mum and dad that's okay. I'll just get a cardboard cut out of my brother and pretend he's not only 5 minutes up the road.

I AM HOME, it's 6pm and I spent the day with my mum and dad going round my grandparents and stuff, saw my beautiful little cousin who I just adore! It was a nice day but now I'm in my cosy house which is basically Santas grotto right now - mum did a good job, as per.

I'm really happy to be away from high rise buildings and being able to see the sun setting again, I've honestly learnt to love things like that now, I never used to appreciate sun sets and sun rises but when I was at my lowest point mentally this year I started to love aspects of life that I never used to. 

Ah well, I hope you've had an equally as nice day as me and I shall see you tomorrow! 

x x 

Small Acts Of Kindness.

Hiiiiii, how are you? Good I hope.

I received a couple of things this week that made me really, really smile. It made me so happy that people want to make sure you're okay, they want to put a smile on your face and think about you for a moment. I mean I would never want someone to focus their time and attention on me but just a few words can really make your day.

Someone anonymously sent me this the other day on Tumblr and I was like woah… what a lovely person.

They wished me all the happiness in the world, but I wish them all the happiness in the world. Why? Because they took the time to construct a nice little paragraph to make me stop being sad for a little while, they didn't have to, but they did. How nice is that? 

Another thing was sent by my flat mate Joe. 

It reminded me how lucky I am to have met such lovely, kind hearted people over the past few months who accept my little problems and want to help me. They always check if I'm okay, they don't have to but they do and I really am super thankful for that and if I could repay them in the right way I totally would but right now the only thing I can provide is the odd foods here and there (doritos are always on the cards LADZ) ((and that's always good right?))

The whole point of this was to express how nice it is to have beautiful people in the world. Someone completely random could pop up out of the blue one day and make your day 1% better and that's better than nothing. That's really lovely and I think genuinely nice people who want to make others lives better are highly unappreciated and I would like to say right now that I appreciate you.