The Tinder Ghost

Hello everyone, old and new...

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on what has always been my beloved blog. The last time I was here was October last year, I'd just moved into my new flat and I was ready for a totally fresh start. However, in that time I'd lost any creative energy I'd ever had and my blog took the biggest back seat it had ever taken, it was at the back of a very long bus. The bus being my life. 

In the last year I've just been trying to figure out life as a 24/25 year old woman. What do I need to do in life to feel like I have some sort of purpose? Moving into a new home where my independence was absolutely all mine, I made the rules for myself and I could do whatever I wanted. It's just not as plain sailing as maybe you'd think or maybe I had hoped. I hadn't been 'on my own' properly for 4 years, being in and out of relationships I did not who I was by myself. I of course live with my best friend, although I'd say he's my biggest partner in life (we are joined at the hip) I still had to figure out life on my own, you know? 

I had to find out who Shannon was as a single, now young woman, in a town I was about to become even more familiar with. Living in the same place all your life is fun, but as an adult your world of course opens up to totally new things. I'd find myself - and still do - in the pub on a Tuesday night, it wasn't just a weekend treat anymore. I mean, it's a sick life I can't lie. 

So being single in 2020, what's that like I hear you all ask? Yes you, the ones with babies, husbands or wives, long term partners or with a committed fuck buddy. It is fucking hard. To put it so bluntly, I never knew how hard it was going to be. When I became single I thought right, fuck I've got to go and...date?! I'd been on 2 dates with my previous boyfriend and by the 3rd we were pretty much together, so I really had not experienced Tinder or Hinge or whatever at it's finest. So there I was, single, and I didn't properly start going on dates until the July which was 3 months or so after, and well it just chucked me right into the shit show that is millennial dating. 

Here's how it goes: You meet someone, go on a lovely, wonderful first date and then never hear from them again. Quite simply, they are a ghost hence the term 'Ghosting'. Let me give you an official definition from our trusty Urban Dictionary: 

'When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friends' phone calls, social media and avoiding them in public' 

Fuckers. 

I cannot lie, we've ALL done it to some extent but some people are serial ghosts, so much so maybe they are just dead? Or maybe just dead inside to their feelings and the feelings of others. 

It is brutal, imagine dating someone new and opening up to them. Telling them everything from your deepest anxieties, family history and all the things you love to the time you, a non smoker, smoke a cigarette out of your bedroom window because you were horrifically constipated. But then the next minute they are gone and you have to repeat the process again and again. It is never ending. 

Does it get easier? I don't know! I always had high hopes for Tinder and what not, I met my ex on there and had an almost perfect 2 year relationship from it, so it does work...for 2 years at least. Ever since though my life has been full of an array of dick pics, ghosting, drunken nights and drunken texts, kicking people out at 3am and calling people the wrong name at the wrong time. Although it all makes for fun stories, when does the break come?! When will I stop having multiple boys names in my phone where their last names are 'Tinder'? They must be a really big family.

I could talk about this forever and a day, I feel like I've had my fair share of experiences on the matter that I could write a whole book. I know I am not alone in the struggle of millennial dating, it's even harder in this 2020 COVID world where we maybe want to get closer to someone but is that even okay...do we push the boundaries for our own sanity or do we keep ourselves to ourselves. We all crave the touch and affection from other humans, it's natural but it's tough to go from one to the other and they all end up being just another experience. Mostly...bad. Really, let's just all give up the ghosting thing yes? Let's just all be upfront and honest, maybe it'll make the whole thing a little easier. 

What are your experiences with online dating right now? Please do let me know, let's chat about it.

I'll be doing many more posts on dating, I could talk about it all day. It blows my mind how crazy it can be! 

For now I'll be on Instagram on @alifewithambitions - let's chat, ease me back into this blogging world.

Take care x 

Effortless Inspiration Books by Dani DiPirro: Review!

Hi everyone, it's been a while for which I apologise but if I'm honest I've been an absolute mess lately. Ridiculously tired, run down, a mess from start to finish. I'm sorry! 

Anyway, a little while ago the lovely people over at Watkins Media  sent me some copies of Dani DiPirro's (aka, Positivelypresent) new books (as well as a couple of her older ones to complete the set).

There are four in the set: Gratitude, Living In The Moment and the two newer books Forgiveness and Compassion. I jumped on board when they got in touch so I could get my hands on these and try to relate them to my own recovery, which is purely what my blog has been based around for a very long time now. 

These four little books are SO CUTE. I know I'm not meant to be reviewing the look of them necessarily but I actually love the simplicity of the designs so much - they look very sweet on my shelves in my new living room, just saying. 

Each book has positively reinforcing quotes throughout, things to do each day to help with your positive outlook and just a whole damn bunch of positivity that I am absolutely loving and taking on board. 

I'm going to just go through each one a little bit, I wanted to do a more in depth post about each book as there are 'activities' as such to do BUT that would take me forever and I think I just want to incorporate them into future posts within my recovery. 

Forgiveness 

This book really made me think, it made me think about forgiving myself for what I have done. I've hurt myself mentally a lot over the years but honestly, a piece of writing has never made me think more. 

"Today I forgive myself for my past mistakes" 

The book is all about finding it within ourselves to forgive those who have hurt us, make us think about why we should forgive and the good it will do to ourselves for doing so. These books are so thought provoking I cannot express this enough! 

Compassion 

This book looks at seeing the world in a different way to be able to see your own. It touches on showing compassion to others who do not have what we have so we can learn to give without having to receive a reward - simply for the point of being compassionate. 

"Today I show compassion by loving myself"

After reading this I spent the next day trying to love myself in every way I could, a big part of my recovery. 

Living In The Moment 

Living in the Moment is all about what it says on the cover..... living in the moment, DUH. I think this one was my favourite. It's all about recognising what your favourite things to do are, why you do them, what it means to focus on this moment right now and not the past or the future - simply the present. Why you are doing what you're doing, what it means to be in this moment and why this moment is so important. It made me go off and do some of my water colour prints, add to the blog, all of the things I love to do which make me feel present in the moment. 

"I stay present by not worrying about the future" 

I think this is one quote that stood out to me the most, alongside all of the other positive quotes throughout. I want to live in this moment, this wonderful moment that is making me think about life and the beauty that surrounds it. 

Gratitude 

To be grateful for what we have, who we have and what we do, that's the main aim of this little book. Being thankful of the memories we have which push us forward in day to day life. I'd say this was my second favourite of the four as it made me wake up the next day and say out loud three things I am thankful and grateful for (one of the exercises in the book) - my boyfriend Ryan, my family and my dogs. Doing this everyday makes me realise how wonderfully lucky I am. 

"Today I am grateful for everyday magic" 

-----

These books are wonderful, I loved reading them and I look back at them when I can just to get more ideas on what I can do to help my recovery.

I'd recommend them 100% to anyone going through recovery right now. They really do make you think.

You can purchase these here at just £5.99 a piece. I know I'm going to be using them and thank Dani DiPirro for creating these thoughtful little books. 

Thanks for reading guys and I'll be back on top of these posts shortly! 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Positive Tuesdays: The One When I Went To Ireland.

Hiiiiiii guys, it's Tuesday it's time to be positive about the previous week. I've had a great one but also a very, very tough one in my little brain. It's a strange feeling when you're stuck in your recovery, when you also feel so lonely but you have amazing people around you...you just need those extra ones to show they care. OKAY NO, this is not the name of the game, if I want to be a negative Nelly then I will make a whole new post.

Anyway, this week was full of fun! To be fair I missed the previous week because I was in Dublin last week, so I'm literally going to do the last 7 or so days.

On Monday last week I set up the house all cute for Ryans 21st as we were going to be away on his actual birthday. I wanted to make him feel a little spesh for the day and give him his presents. I got him a Funko Pop, of which he has 15,583 (approx.) a tattoo voucher, Fallout Monopoly, a really cool wooden carving of Jason from Friday the 13th and the trip to the Guinness Factory. He was happy, I was happy, we were all happy. We then had his parents round for dinner and that was sweet, it's nice having my family and then being accepted into another.

On Tuesday we went to Dublin! Something we've been stoked about for months, I love seeing different places with him. We can speak for hours on end, explore new cities and learn about new things so sharing that with someone is so sweet and I couldn't wish for anyone better. 

Sweet pub through to Dinner with a Guinness.

The next day was officially Ryans 21st birthday! We got up and strolled around Dublin, went to a Church and then off to the Guinness Storehouse which I think was like Ry's idea of heaven/Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. It was actually so cool and I would seriously recommend it to anyone going to Dublin. I hate Guinness, Guinness is not for a girl like me. In the evening I booked us to go to Beef & Lobster in Temple Bar in Dublin. It was GREAT, Lobster? Do I like Lobster? Not sure. The process was fun but perhaps just the once, it was a really sweet restaurant though so again I would recommend that 100%, I followed up the meal with a Prosecco ice lolly and man, I was super about that life.

The next day we went to the Zoo and okay I know not everyone agrees with Zoos, I am super in the middle. I love seeing the animals, I also wish they were out in the wild but I also know they are looked after in their little homes at the Zoo. I don't know man, this post isn't a place for a debate with myself. But my god, Dublin Zoo is incredible. The enclosures were huge, the animals seemed to be so free! The Orangutang's could swing from one enclosure to the other and they went right over you, no net or anything, it was a real 'you had to be there moment'. The Wolves were all howling together, a sound I've never heard in my life, insane. The baby elephants were all playing in their water together, it was adorable and it was one of the best days I've ever had with Ryan. 

Then the last couple of days were spent just looking around, enjoying the city and each others company. As per usual. 

I haven't done much since, we had an intense game of Monopoly last night and I won (yes, you know I did)  and it's little things like that which make me content and happy. Being around good people with good vibes.

How was your week? Tell me all the good things, I would love to hear. 

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Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Physical VS. Mental

Hiiiiii,

So something that has really been bothering me recently is the difference in how mental illnesses are treated in comparison with physical. I personally, feel like I'm just being silly and weak if I need time for myself because everything is getting too much but my Eating Practitioner said to me "would you feel the same if you had a broken leg?" - of course not, I'd be laying on that sofa watching crap day time telly with no guilt whatsoever.

I've had a few moments recently where I physically cannot face the world, I can only face a few and that's my family, Ryan and my best friend Ben. Everyone else I can't stand the thought of socialising with and that is tough. It's tough especially when you have a full time job and are saving to move out so every time you need to get out of it all you feel like you're letting everyone down.

But it's true, if it was a physical illness the guilt just isn't there. No one can see truly how you feel sometimes though, sometimes getting up out of bed is the biggest struggle you'll face that day and isn't that just sad? Something so normal to everyone else is so hard to you that day. I know it's become a frequent occurrence recently and it makes me feel lazy and weak and I hate that.

In reality I know I'm not weak, I'm ill and sometimes I honestly forget that my own mental health is actually an illness because the stigma still stands. My mental health affects me so much more than I'd like to admit, or wish that it did. I feel so physically ill on days because of it and I'm struggling to understand it lately even though it has been going on for so many years.

I'm trying to figure out why and how all of this started, maybe when I get there it will finally all come to an end. I'm just lucky that right now I'm being treated by the best team I've ever had and I'm praising the mental health system for the first time in 10 years.

Really, what I want to say to anyone who feels the same is that it IS okay to need some time out. If your mental health is really taking over so much, take a step back and remember what you're fighting for. Look after yourself, watch some shite telly and eat some comfort food - look after you for once. Your mind is just as important as a broken leg, a sore throat, or a headache so take it easy.

Til' next time x x x

Taking control.

Today I said something out loud that I've never really spent the time thinking too much about. On my way home from an appointment with my eating disorder practitioner, after realising that I really AM fully on the road to recovery I realised that I am afraid to be okay.

I said to my mum and my brother "I'm scared to not have anything anymore" - it sounds RIDICULOUS. But it was followed by a tonne of tears and a crying headache. It's the truth though, I feel like I am afraid of being okay because like I also said to them, I don't know who or what I am without these problems I seem to have grown up with since I was at least 10 years old.

From the age of 10 I've suffered with anxiety (health, general, social), depression, OCD and this bloody eating disorder. Who the fricken shit am I without all of these?! This person I am is all I know, I don't know who the 'real Shannon' is and it's pretty terrifying.

My brother and my mum went on to say "when you're being funny with that dry sarcastic sense of humour that's the real you, when you're with Ryan, that's you" and it's just odd that everyone else sees these aspects of 'me' that I don't even recognise as me most of the time.

My mum said that I'm somewhat going through a grieving process for the little knicks in my head that have controlled the way I've thought, the way I've lived and gone through my life over the years. She said that it's all horrible thoughts though, and when it's all gone and all better I'll just be...me?

IT IS A VERY STRANGE CONCEPT TO ACTUALLY GET MY HEAD AROUND. I've just never took the time to sit down and think about it, to realise that perhaps that's whats been holding me back. Because I'm too afraid to let go and be okay...as much as I really want to there is all these things in my head holding me back and I guess that's precisely what mental illnesses are. They try to take over your whole life, sometimes succeeding and not wanting to budge when you're taking control and doing something about it.

It can be repeated time and time again, I, you, we, are not our mental illnesses. We are who we are, we are the people who have our whitty, unique ways of living, probably funny (am I blowing my own trumpet? you bet your ass I am), loving, kind and caring people who have so much more to live for and so many more people who love us and to make proud. We don't need to let the shit in our heads hold us back, it's just a matter of finally taking control.

My boyfriend said that I'm feeling like this because new things are scary, that's it I guess. The feeling of being truly happy and okay in my mind is something I've never really known, it's new but it's nice, right? And why should I be afraid of that...

It's just a matter of time before I can finally say I'm there, I'M OKAY. I'm terrified, but I'm so open to letting it happen, to let the things in my head finally go and live the life I've always wanted to. Oh, what a day.

World Mental Health Day 2015

Hi hi hi, I never post anymore I am a poop head I'm sorry! I just have so much going on (that's a complete and utter lie, I'm unemployed, I have nothing to do)

It's world mental health day, a day close to my little heart. You know me, I'm very open about my mental health, it's very important to speak about it and keep it alive! The worlds backs should never be turned on the concept of somebodies mental health, keep talking about it and keep looking after each other - pEACE OUT.

I'm not actually done at all, I've not even begun! Where is my mental health at I hear you eagerly ask of course?! It's down the toilet with all the other poop in my life. I'm on the road to recovery, truly, I feel like I've been in this position about a million and one times in my life but this time if real recovery isn't at the end of the tunnel then I might just have to punch myself in the tit.

What's going on? What am I doing? I'm still on my anti-depressants, although they've helped me so, so much I feel it is time to ween myself off of them. My family might not be quite on board with the idea, but I really have the best support system I've had in 20 years and it's time I got off the medication and did it on my own. I will never criticise the power of these anti-depressants however, they've been a life saver. The past 10 months I've been on them have been amazingly different in some aspects, I'm not sure what state I would be in if I didn't get put on them in December - I thank science for creating such a thing. They really are a godsend.

I'm also now at an Eating Disorder clinic, with a really lovely lady! She is the best counsellor/practitioner I've had, ever. She understands, she's not lying to me and she wants to help me get better. I went there and she said to me "I promise you, we are not here to fatten you up, to turn you into a sumo wrestler" and the little ana bitch in my head likes to tell me I'm a lump of poo but my practitioner also told me to listen to those who love me, those around me who adore me for who I am and not to listen to the person in my mind wanting to ruin it all for me.

I'm on a 3 meal a day meal plan, hard to stick to but I will get there! I have so much to fight for, I have myself, my family, my friends, my cute little dogs and my wonderful boyfriend. The end of all this is near, true happiness awaits and I can't wait to reach that point in my life.

Mental health will never die, unfortunately. But as a society we can do all we can to fight it, fighting our own minds is never ideal but to reach happiness and to be content with our lives and ourselves it's what we must do. Never give up the fight! Show the cocks in your brain who is boss. Take control of your own life!

All the love in the world to anyone fighting, enjoy world mental health day by doing something you love - treat yourself! Remember what there is to love in the world.

x x x

Update!

Hi hi hi,

Once again I've been so disgustingly unmotivated to write anything on this blog that I've abandoned it 5eva. A lot has happened since I left university and when I say left I mean permanently which leaves me thinking about the future…

Okay, so here I am a University drop out. Where is my band to start singing around me like on Grease when the chick is a beauty school drop out? Or because I went to a painfully average London university do I not get the privilege?!

All year I spent my time wondering if being at university was the right thing for me, I had THE best time. If you read my blog, know me, follow me on any form of social media you will know this. I made the most amazing friends from all over the world/country, had some mad nights, got to explore London on my one women treks around the city and fell in love with the city all over again. But that's not why I moved there primarily, I moved there to start earning a degree… a degree which I quickly lost interest in. All my life I've wanted to be in the entertainment/journalism industry, so off I went to study a course I thought I would love - instead I was left all year losing my passion for the career I'd longed after for so long. That makes me sad. I'm sad that the passion went and I'm sad that I don't have it in me anymore to complete a degree, I feel LIKE A TOTAL BUM.

But so, so, so many people are the same and don't continue with their studies after the first year, a lot even drop out during! Which I wanted to do so many times but was encouraged to stay. It makes me feel okay knowing that it's normal and fine to not want to be at university. Unfortunately, our generation is force fed the thought that to succeed we need to go to uni but really that isn't the case and I hope and pray that I find my way. I'm currently super lost in a part time temp job, I really want to discover the right path for me and I'm nervous, so very nervous. The big world of being an adult is scary lolzzzz.

What else has happened since I left university…I turned 20, yuck, boring (need to change my blog layout and sidebar, no longer a 19 year old student in London)

I got a little puppy named Sid, I like to think of him as me in dog form - a bit odd and a midget.

I got a boyf lol, the boy I have 'luvved' since I was 14 and dumped him 5 times over 10 months as I was a confused, naive child who didn't know how to deal with having a boy dig her. SO THAT'S INTERESTING INIT. 

Nothing else of any interest has /really/ happened in the last few months that has changed my life…on the mental health side of things I am now at a clinic to sort my eating out and it's super scary but I'll get there. My life is looking up so much, a puppy, a boi, no more education, all I need is a job to get me going and I'll be set.

I shan't be giving up hope on finding my way, it's scary and there's so many people who have probably hit a wall in knowing what they want in life and I'm sure they too have found their way.

OH BEING AN ADULT, WHAT R U LIKE. 

x x 

What Keeps Me Happy…

Hiiii! It's been so long I am a poop, I lack motivation and Sims 4 exists… sigh.

I wanted to do a post about all the things that make me happy and that could maybe give you the chance to think about what could make you happy when times suck. I turn to these things when I'm having rough times so let me know what you do!

My happy box

My happy box (or hoarder box) is full of little memories I've collected through the years! It's full of photos, gig tickets, train tickets, random little things like confetti from gigs too! It's just a box full of things I can look at whenever I feel down and feel immediately happy, it's full of lovely memories that make me feel grateful for being alive and living the life I do.

If you wanted to make one just find an old shoe box, gift box, or anything and just fill it with tickets and anything that makes you happy! 

I want to also make a happy go to box full of a nice DVD, nice sweets, etc. That I can go to on proper poop days.

Colouring books

When I feel bored and overwhelmed with boredom I go to the colouring books, the trusty little colouring books. You can obviously get these everywhere because they're so popular right now! I don't even know why colouring is so therapeutic but it is, although I have to now buy books where the shapes aren't tiny because that stresses me THE FRICK OUT.

YouTube 

I can't help but spend hours on end on YouTube watching absolute crap, it's just something that keeps my mind going when I need it. 

Hanging out with my friends and family! 

There's nothing like it, there's nothing like having a proper laugh with your family and friends. I love going to the weekly pub quiz with my friends, it keeps me going through the week when I know I'm going to hang out with them for a few hours at the end of it! 

So even when times are rough always know your friends and family are there to help out and make you feel way good. 

Scrapbooking/Being creative 

I don't know what came over me but my creative mind seems to have truly taken over since I moved away. Maybe it's because I wanted to show that I could be creative, I don't know. But I LOVE SCRAPBOOKING, it's so calming and makes me smile so much to look back at all the amazing memories I've had throughout my life.

If you want to really make yourself feel good then do a scrapbook, it's not childish or anything it's just lovely to have somewhere to keep all of your memories that make you feel ace.

Going for walks 

I love going for walks, simple as! I love putting my headphones in and just taking everything around me in it really makes me feel good about life… 

There you go, those are a few things that keep me happy when things are a bit sucky. What do you do?! Let me know! 

I'm going to get back on this blogging thing, just have to find the motivation somewhere! 

x x x 

To be okay…

Helloooo! Today (or this evening) I wanted to talk about the recovery I'm going through at the moment and people may possibly be able to relate to the way I have felt throughout. 

My journey to health and happiness has been ongoing, as has my illness. My mental state is one that I've been open about because it's gone on since I was 10 years old. My recovery truly started in December, however I have had many forms of counselling in the past. 

What I really want to talk about is the time when I started on anti depressants in December of 2014. 10mg a day is what I started on and what I am still on, I had been reluctant beforehand to go on medication. Although the offer had never really been there because I was so young, I had never asked for it either because the thought of medication scared me but do you know what...I was so wrong. 

The first two weeks were crazy, with the medication comes quite strange side effects that the majority of people on the tablets experience so it was to be expected. I had nausea, absolutely no appetite (apart from pick n mix, ya I'm nearly 20, pick and mix RULES) I also looked high as a kite with dilated pupils, anyone would've thought I had been hot boxed I looked mad. But it all wore off and what came after was something I've never felt before - the feeling of being somewhat content. 

For years all I've ever known is a low mood, a low daily mood was all I ever felt. I'd wake up hoping for a new feeling but it just never happened as much as I wanted it and as much as I tried, the world just wasn't my friend. But these tablets started to change me and it was quite amazing. 

I hadn't felt content like that in God knows how long, it was strange. A week in January/February I sat in my room at university in London and I felt empty, not in a bad way but not in a good way either. Usually my mind would be on overdrive but it wasn't, there was nothing there and I didn't know how to feel about it. I rung my mum, cried and told her I felt weird and lost and she responded by saying something along the lines of "it's because you're not worrying, you're not sad and you're not used to it" and that was true! I never knew what it felt like to have a stress free mind, a mind which just wasn't fussed about silly little things that I was usually bothered about, it was scary to be...okay? 

I feel like many people get like that in their recovery from mental illnesses, we are so used to not being okay that we settle and once it changes and we start to feel okay it's all weird and abnormal. Really, it's the way we deserve to feel, of course. We really do deserve to be okay, to be more than okay! To feel amazing and that's where I want to end up, I'm still on that journey. 

Eventually it all becomes okay, and feeling okay is the norm. All the sad times and the bummed out feelings become a distant memory. The way I see it I've fought my mind and come out so strong (however, with a long way to go still) and I'm here to continue the fight. 

Good luck to you if you are also fighting for happiness, you rule x

Positive Tuesdays: Week Ten. UPDATES.

Hiiiiii, been a while hasn't it (almost a month)…my bad.

I didn't want to do these posts when in fact I haven't felt positive at all, I'm not going to put on a front I've never been that kind of person. If I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy and I won't pretend to be okay and lie to everyone and tell you all to be happy and positive if I'm not myself. I've had a crappy few weeks, unsure of what I'm doing, my life is a big mess. I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing so if anyone has any advice on the struggles of university I'd super appreciate your input! I could go on and on, but it's all I ever seem to talk about to anyone and it's quite tedious.

I feel like I've turned this whole segment into an update on what I've done but I like that, I like looking back on things and realising that everything isn't that bad - you should do the same!

Anyway, some decent stuff has happened the past few weeks, this is going to be a post just updating you on my life because you all clearly want to know, OBVZ.

Well when I left you last I went away for the weekend but before that I melted my retainer like a super bellend but then I went home and spent some time with my family and that was lovely. I really, really love time back at home it's the best. Then I returned to university on the Sunday (might've had a little cry when my mum and dad went back to Ipswich) but the following week I did some cool stuff.

I went to look at the ceramic poppies at the Tower of London, they were super nice and it's just quite breathtaking. They represented so many fallen soldiers it was just a lovely part of history that I'm glad I got to witness.

Then it was time to get on with Halloween festivities, we went to Ministry of Sound which I have been extremely reluctant to doing since we got here because it's not really my scene and I mean I would tell you if it was my scene but I can't remember much at all - DON'T DRINK KIDS, ONCE AGAIN. I do however remember getting separated from my friends and asking the bouncer like a lost puppy to help me find my friends, what a twat. That was on the Tuesday, on actual Halloween I spent the morning looking at the Christmas windows and the christmas store at Selfridges (logical), I wanted to get into the Christmas spirit it was the day before November aka the day it's okay to do christmassy things. The windows were cool but involved a lot of gold and a lot of woodland stuff…I didn't really get it and I didn't feel overly christmassy at all, humph. 

Oh and when we were out for Halloween I got pushed over in front of a lot of people and it was hilarious, it was the second time I've fallen over in front of people in London; this confirms why I'm a very tragic 19 year old. 

The next week came and I had found out where One Direction were rehearsing, you know me and One Direction we have a big love/hate relationship so I thought I would finally take the time to go and meet them. I've never been in the perfect position to meet them even when I was 16 and it was my life dream, so I thought I would make 16 year old me happy. I arrived at the studio where I found lots of girls beaming, I HAD MISSED HARRY STYLES BY A GOOD 2 MINUTES. I WAS DONE, I WAS OVER IT. To cheer me up from failing once again to meet them I purchased my first christmas present and I keep looking at it because I'm absolutely stoked for christmas YEAH, that made me so very happy. 

Me and my 7 best pals booked a trip to Scotland too! We're going next year in the Easter holidays and it's going to be full of mountains and madness. I took a trip to my friend India's university where actually there was going to be a surprise party for her and Damian's engagement and they had no idea - I had to keep it a secret that all of our best friends were coming from all over the country on the Saturday and it was so hard when we'd planned to watch The Hunger Games but really we were going to get really messy. It was so lovely to see everyone, I probably nearly cried I can't remember. It was honestly the happiest I've been in so long, I find I'm always my happiest when I'm surrounded by the group and I love them with all of my heart. 

After that Corinna came to stay for a couple of days down in London, we went for a walk down the South Bank and that was really nice, it was the first time I've seen the sun set in London and I've really missed seeing that (I'm a lame ass) the next day we went to the Natural History Museum and dinosaurs are cool. 

And finally at the weekend I spent the day with all of my 5 Seconds of Summer pals, we went for a Starbucks as per and went to Regent Streets Christmas light switch on, it was really cute and I've missed those girls a lot. I haven't seen them since 5SOS were last here which was in July! Speaking of 5SOS it's been a year this month since I met them/saw them live every weekend, madness! 

That's about all that has happened the past few weeks, they've been pretty good and plenty to be happy about! Oh, someone sneezed on me too what a pleasant place London is.

In all seriousness I might not do these as often anymore, I have a lot going on physically and mentally but I'm happy that I could hopefully make people think about good times with the posts I've done in the past! They'll be back consistently soon, I'm not sure when but they will be! 

How have you been? Anything good been happening that you'd like to share because I'd love to hear! 

Stay cool 

x

One Woman Walk Across London.

Helloooo!

So last week I had a day off and wanted some time for myself, as you know I love autumn and I thought I might as well embrace it and go on a long walk. I walked all the way from my halls to Westminster, along the South Bank and Westminster Bridge and everything…I can't say that was the most fun I've ever had as I was dodging tourists left, right and centre. I can now understand a typical Londoners anger at the everyday tourist, it is quite infuriating but we've all done it and I'm a small person so I could swiftly dodge being in the background of someones Big Ben selfie. However, I got to Parliament Square and I was like nope, I must get on the tube this is too much because it had started to rain and I was tempted to just tube back to where I'd come from (not Suffolk, although if that was possible I probably would have).

From there I got on the circle line and went to one of my favourite places that holds many memories in London - High Street Kensington. Oh, the memories there (mostly 5 Seconds of Summer related, oops) but it made me really happy and nostalgic to be there. I walked to Starbucks for the first time on my own and got a PSL to add to my autumnal day and then walked along the high street to my other favourite place in London which is Kensington Gardens. OHHH I LOVE IT THERE. Immediately walking through the gates I felt relaxed, surrounded by leaves and trees and it was just super calm. 

I've noticed that in London everyone seems to have super cute dogs and I'm really angry about it, but a good angry because I just wish it was me who had the cute dog but I'm also okay with just looking at the cute dog…is that weird? That sounds really weird. 

But anyway, I continued to walk through Kensington Gardens, got a big lost, got tempted to leave but wanted to carry on to the Hyde Park side and that's what I did. I got greeted by even more prettiness, even more little dogs and the sight of London on the other side of the park so I knew what direction I was going in. 

It was just so relaxing, I'd love to go for these kinda walks with other people but it was world mental health day so I wanted to spend it doing something relaxing and peaceful for myself as a day like that would obviously be close to my heart. 

By the time I'd got out of the park and was at Hyde Park corner I was not okay, I'd been walking for what seemed like forever but it was only an hour or so. I then went and visited old Liz, they didn't let me in for tea though which of course was extremely disappointing, I thought we were pals. 

Once again I was a little bit lost but found my way and was once again at Westminster, but nope I definitely was done by that point and could not handle the thought of more tourists in my face and men on the bridge doing weird magic tricks but they were obviously just mugging people off. So yeah, I was lazy and got on a tube. When I got in I calculated that I had walked almost 5 miles and I was pretty pleased. I'd spent a couple of hours just walking across London, earphones in and all by myself. It really was quite lovely.