Look who's back...again

Hello you, it's been a while. It's been too long, you're like an old friend I keep meaning to meet up with but seem to avoid at all costs, my bad.

I would love to say that my absence was for good reason, like I was travelling the world or doing amazing things with my life and ruling the universe. Fact of the matter is, I have just had a fucking funny year and haven't felt like writing at all. Here I am again though, at a time when my mental health has taken a dip and I turn back to writing. I've spent the last few evenings just putting pen to paper and writing, but nothing makes me feel more connected to myself than writing on my blog. That is the way it has always been. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days and realising some things along the way.

In my life I have done so many things, so many good things, some bad things. I have gone through so much and got through all of it with strength I didn't even know I had at the time. In my life I have been in love, and been heartbroken. I have been in lust and broken some hearts. I've experienced pain in physical and mental forms that I never thought I'd have to experience at such young ages. I've seen bad things, I've done bad things. But over the past few days like I said, I have tried to remember all of the good things I can outweigh them with.

I could sit and focus on the bad but from this moment onwards I am going to try not to do that anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on the bad things and not enough time on the good. I seem to forget all of the good things I have achieved.

I forget that I got through some really rubbish illnesses when I was little, those were horrendous times but little me did it. She was so strong! I would love to be more like her again, to have her drive and her strength. I mean, I've hardly grown in size since then I am sure I can get her mentality back somehow.

I always forget that I beat anorexia. WHAT!? What an amazing thing that was to achieve, and I never give myself credit for it. Once upon a time that felt like the impossible but I made it possible with that strength that I always feel I never have, I did have it. I am living proof that I had that strength.

I forget that I lived in London for a year. Before that year I would never even walk into a shop on my own, I would never get a bus on my own, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question. Nothing. But off I went, a new city, all alone. I travelled alone, made new friends and went for long walks all on my own. I was a new woman and I did a great thing there.

I always forget that I've gone on amazing holidays and had experiences all over the world. I've gone from Sweden to Switzerland to Dublin to Austria, Europe has been my oyster and I've loved every moment I have spent on those adventures. Creating stories and memories that I can tell to people for the rest of my life.

I take for granted that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Family, friends, colleagues, they are always there to help me through and to make me laugh and smile when I need it the most. They have helped shape me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so lucky.

For me, it is time to start recognising all of the good things and stop giving so much attention to the bad things. What is the point, really? I have so many good things to remember and my whole life to allow more good things to happen. These bad thoughts are not important, they simply have no importance. They haven't done anything good for me over the years, they will not be things that I look back on and remember. All of the good times and things I have achieved? They are what I need to focus on. My strength to get through, my drive to get better even when it is impossible - these have to be my focus points from now on.

Bad thoughts? What bad thoughts?

Mental Health Habits...

Hello everyone!

Over the years with my mental health I have racked up a bunch of habits that live with me still whether the certain mental health issue does as well is another story. I thought I'd share some because I think it's totally normal to hold onto some of these habits because your mental illness was a part of you for so long, my mental illnesses as awful as they have been have shaped me as the human I am now.

With my eating disorder I have some habits I have kept and some I have no fucking idea why and some others that stick with me too:

• Savoury food before 12pm makes me wanna eat my HEAD - this one is bizarre and I've had this for longer than my eating disorder has been prominent in my life, which shows that I've had issues with food for much longer than I thought. I cannot physically do it without feeling anxious and weird, I hate it. My boyfriend is always saying how good cheese is before 12pm and I'm like enjoy it pal, I'll have it after lunch THANKS. Even bacon rolls in the morning make me ~uncomfortable~ and it's very annoying.

• I can't eat from buffets at work and hate the smell - The smell of a buffet honestly makes me angry and uncomfortable, so weird. So when people at work bring in food for everyone on a special occasion I wish I was not there, I never go and eat anything although sometimes I do want to try one of those sexy looking cupcakes. BUT I CAN'T. I can't fucking do it, no matter how much I want to I just cannot bring myself to do it. People question me and I haven't really got an answer, I just can't. Something is still stopping me.  

• I hate eating food from coffee shops and sandwiches from supermarkets - Again, another I have no idea why but ever since my eating disorder took over I still cannot do this without feeling strange. If I manage to do it I feel like I've accomplished something massive. This is a habit which makes my family and friends think I'm still controlled by my eating disorder, honestly in that moment perhaps I am.   

• Touching wood - So when my OCD was extremely bad I was touching wood constantly all day. I was walking along the streets and purposely going over to trees to touch them and saying "touch wood, I'm okay" - it was fucking consuming. Thankfully I am not like that anymore.  However, on the odd occasion I will still do it if I am feeling anxious about something or I feel something bad is happening I stick to that little habit to keep me going in that moment. ~weird~  

•  REASSURANCE SEEKING - the big fucking daddy of my mental health habits, without reassurance seeking I don't know how I would get through anything. But note to self and everyone else, IT DOES NOT WORK. It is a short term fix for a long term problem, it does not help so is essentially the most pointless habit of all. I am always in a rut of reassurance seeking and it annoys me so much. I've tried over the years to break the habit and to just help myself instead, but it's the hardest one of all. 

Basically, the message here is that if you manage to break one of your habits then pat yourself on the back because they are hard to get out of. Trust me, I know! Give yourself the credit you deserve if you do break a habit. I always do if I manage to eat in a coffee shop or if I don't ask for reassurance that one time.

Be proud of your progress, big or small!

Mental Health: A Best Friends Point Of View

Hey everyone,

Welcome to part one of three...I am starting a new little 'series' where I will get 3 of the most important people in my life and my mental health journey to just talk a little about how it has affected them.

First of all, my best friend Ben

Ben has been my best friend for many years. We met at school, I used to go into one of the blocks and watch him play ping pong and then he would come over and make me laugh until I wanted to pee (he still does) 

We have a very special friendship, I love him like a brother. I laugh, cry, smile and share all of my memories with him. He is family.

I would not have been able to get through so many things in my journey without him there to catch me on the bad days. He's been there through the highs and the lows, the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression and the break ups. He was always there. He's been there from celebrating successes in life, to watching me breaking down because I didn't want to live when I broke up with my ex. 

He has watched me in these times a lot more than my other friends, I see him every week and share it all with him. He has experienced it first hand and has become a safe place for me.

That's the thing when you are suffering, you collect all of the  things or people which make you feel safe. It's their choice if they want to stick around - Ben has, for that reason I am so lucky. 

This is Bens point of view... 

"I don’t actually the remember the first time I met Shannon (she clearly doesn’t mean that much to me). I reckon it was probably in Media class in high school; whilst I was being a teacher’s pet she was probably, well, doing the same. It was only when we became really close that I began to learn about Shannon’s mental health and to tell the truth, the first time I’d learnt about mental health at all. Being a young, impressionable (nerdy) young man, I can’t really recall being aware of a thing called ‘mental health’ because I nor my parents had come into contact with it and even if they had, they wouldn’t have told me.

As my friendship grew and grew with Shannon during and after our education, she became like a sister to me. I now know everything about Shannon; what her habits are, how her mind works and unfortunately, how fucking awful her farts are. This closeness meant Shannon was much more susceptible to opening up to me and in time, I began to understand how such a crippling affliction affected pretty much everyone, including me (and if you think it hasn’t, then well, you’re lying). 

On the eating disorder - 

She was always obsessed with her image and was constantly concerned of what people thought when they looked at her. Personally, I think the plague of social media didn’t help and I’m sure the same goes for many young girls, and boys, of that age. I always did and still do find it frustrating when Shannon asks ‘Do my legs look massive?’ or ‘Do you think I have a big belly?’. No matter how many ‘No darling, you look fine’ one-liners I pumped out, Shannon refused to believe me, or anyone else for that matter. She’s improved a hell of a lot in that sense over the years so bloody well done to her and I hope one day she will be able to see what we all see, a beautiful woman full of life.

Selfishly (or selflessly, depending on how you look it), I have always preferred talking about Shannon’s problems compared to mine because…

1) Shannon’s problems are always real problems that affect her day to day life. My latest girl problem or aggro at work doesn’t even come close to what Shannon has to deal with on a daily basis.

2) If Shannon needs to talk to me, I want her to. I never want her to feel like she can’t open up to me.

On the 'break up' - 

The break up was a bloody awful time for Shannon. The way the whole thing unravelled was heart breaking for me to watch but obviously, a living hell for Shannon. That whole time really affected her and was a big setback on her road to recovery. She thought she had everything she needed and was convinced she was set for life; I thought the same thing for a time too. However, it didn’t work out and it really broke Shannon. I tried to be there as much as I could but the damage was already done and I hope Shannon never ever has to go through anything close to that again. However there is one big positive to take from that utter shit storm. She must take solace from the fact she got through that. She was strong, resilient and dealt with everything she faced like an adult. I can definitely say I am nowhere near strong enough to get through something like that but Shannon did, and that says a lot about her as a person.

How it affects me sometimes -

Sometimes I do feel helpless. I have gone home countless times from spending time with her asking myself ‘How can I help more?’ or ‘How can Shannon fix this?’. I have always been naive enough to believe the answer is in books - hence me buying her some sort of well-being related book EVERY Christmas and birthday (Sorry Shannon). But I think the answer to this is people. Shannon has some fantastic people in her life; a loving family, supportive colleagues, caring friends and praise the lord, an awesome boyfriend. As long as these people continue to talk and support Shannon and she continues to offload her thoughts onto them, she will one day beat this. Talking about stuff is key, NEVER bottle any problem up, no matter how big or small.

To bring this poorly written, grammatically incorrect monologue to a close, I feel incredibly blessed to have Shannon in my life. I take great comfort that whatever problem we face in life, we will share it and tackle it together. I am overwhelmingly proud of Shannon. She plays herself down but deals with so much shit and just keeps on going. I know one day she will beat this, she is way stronger than she thinks. 

(Now she promised she’d pay me for this interview and she ‘claims’ she sent a cheque in the post. Let this post go on record, I HAVE NOT BEEN PAID. I will be suing)." 

Sometimes I forget that there are other people involved in my journey, as much as I care for others sometimes I am so absorbed in everything in my mind that I forget about my friends and family for that split second. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to listen to my family, my friends, their stories. I want to get better for me primarily but for others too, like Ben. Someone who has always put up a fight for me, for that Ben, I thank you. 

Take Your Own Advice...

Hey everyone,

As you well know I enjoy doing a blog post when times are very tough - it helps me. Right now I'm having a fucking tough day.

Heres the thing I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk, I can do blog posts upon blog posts talking about how to try and get through bad spells of mental health but here I am, still struggling daily.

Some days are better, some really are not and today is one of those days. I'll be honest I have spent the day panicking, internally and externally. I have wound my mum up all day and annoyed myself. I even tried to meditate to take my mind off of the thought of calling the doctors.

My heart keeps beating out of my chest and every time I try to nap my mind becomes alive, like electric and that's it, I panic all over again.

My vision feels wrong and my health anxiety is through the roof because of this.

Fact is, I increased my medication last week and it means I'm super sleepy and duh...when you're tired your vision takes the brunt of it, right? RIGHT. Listen rational Shannon, listen.

What I'm trying to say is that even though I'm trying so hard to help, to write about mental health and preach and preach and preach, that doesn't mean I'm any where near getting better. My journey is constant, I feel like I'm just on a long fucking road and one day I'll reach my destination (happiness, health and wellness) but right now I keep having to stop off at a service station to have a pee in a stinky toilet, get some junk food and have a long old stretch...then I'll get back on the road again.

I should take my own advice, we all should. We are probably all sweet as fuck advice givers but when it comes to our own problems we go blank. What is rationality? I don't fucking know, ask someone who knows what in the dick is going on in the world.

Here is the thing, let's say I had a friend who had health anxiety and they said to me "Shannon, I am really scared all of the time that I have a brain tumour, I feel so tense and awful and anxious...I have headaches, a tense back, my concentration is off, I don't feel good" - I would say "go to the doctors, you need to address your anxiety with them, that's the problem" 

Wow, good advice Shannon, where are YOU when I need you?!

We need to reach out for our rational side, they are in there and they care for you more than anything. The bad side wants to bring you down and ruin any good thing you have going for you. Fuck that, fuck that shit.

Keep fighting, be rational, take your own advice...I sure am going to learn to!

Light Bulb Moments

Throughout your mental health journey there will be times when you really think you've made a huge breakthrough. Something will ping in your head and you'll wonder why you are staying within the grips of your mental illness. You will listen to a story, realise the pain you're putting yourself through or see your mum break down time and time again and you will have little breakthroughs.

Unfortunately they don't always last long and that's okay. Little breakthroughs are good, well done! But if you go backwards after a couple of days, that's okay too...the journey was never made to be an easy one.

I find that little breakthroughs show that I'm getting there, like I'm just shooting off the path for a minute and it feels great. It feels like I can progress when before I felt stuck in the horrible little rut of anxiety.

Throughout my journey this year I've had many little moments where I  thought "this is it, no turning back now!" - we even put little signs all around the house which said "today I change!" with the date 30th August 2017. I didn't change that day, I tried to for about 2 days and I went back again. I did that time and time again.

It's hard, it's disappointing and disheartening when you think you've done it this time and escaped the clutches of your mental illness, but it's okay! Because the breakthrough moment comes when you least expect it really.

I was talking to my mum about a time when I was very ill when I was younger. A time which I think is the source of my health anxiety. I've never really spoken about this on my blog, and I only ever mention it to people if the scar in my face hurts. I don't know why, but it was a very hard time for me and it will live with me forever. I think I'll save that story for another day.

Anyway, we spoke about it and my mum described how it was such a scary time for us all. She said how I remained brave the whole time though, something I always forget.

I was a young child, I can't even remember how old I was because I've kind of blocked it out of my memory. I think I was 8 and it had been going on for many years before that.

I went into hospital for my final operation, which turned into three operations in one week. My mum said it was horrible, watching me go off and having to sign papers to say I might end up paralysed on one side of my face. Mum said I was strong through it all though, I just wanted to get it done with so I could move on.

The way my mum described this strong, little girl was amazing. I had forget she existed. I really forgot that this little girl was me.

I have put the thought in my head that I was protecting this little girl in my head, but really she was so much stronger than I've ever given her credit for. She was not scared of dying, she just wanted to get out. She wanted to walk to the shops even though her face was the size of a football. She just wanted to get better and live her life.

This was my breakthrough moment. This was finally my lightbulb moment. My mum told me things I never knew and never realised and I can't thank her enough for opening my eyes.

I now need to live off of the strength that little me once had, she was amazing and she got through so much.

That girl was me. That girl IS ME. 

I am using that strength to get through the pain my mind is putting me through, I'm excited to move on and get through this all for the final time. The future is calling me and I am finally going to reach it.

Ways To Distract and Be Kind To Yourself...

Hello everyone!

So over the months I have been using distraction as a way to erm...distract myself...I fucking rule at writing. ANYWAY, when things are a bit shit I have to distract myself, thats the way to get out of the vicious circle that is anxiety. When I was in my darkest moments even distraction would not work and I still have those days now I'll be honest! But when I can distract myself it is good and it is fun. It is all about self love, looking after number one and treating number one to the goodness that the world has to offer.

I've just made a list of a few things to do when you need to distract or just simply be kind to yourself.

Have A Nice Bath

I am a Lush lover, perhaps even a Lush addict. So when I really want to wind down I will pick up a nice bubble bar or bath bomb and just chill the fuck out. I will put on Ru Pauls Drag Race on Netflix - and hope I don't splash water all over my laptop and destroy it - and I will just relax for a little while. Its a worry free zone and I love it. You can just have a nice bubble bath for half an hour and just relax, zone out and be with you for a minute.

Write About Your Day

I find this extremely helpful when I do it, or just writing in general! I've touched on this before where it is really helpful to write down 3 good things which happened that day and the more you do it the more helpful it becomes. It is all about reflection, if you have had a bad day that's okay, write about it and move on from it. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hydrate Yourself

I'm a bugger for not hydrating myself but I know it is the absolute key to getting on well with any day. If you are not hydrated then the day is tougher, simple as. This is one I'm going to work a lot harder on to do because I think it is going to make a huge difference in the act of being kinder to myself and also for my health in general. I recently got sent a Eau Good Duo by Black+Blum which looks awesome. It has a charcoal stick which acts as the water filter, which absorbs nasty tastes so you can drink that manky sink water all day long, NICE. I'm super excited to try it out and have it as part of my plan to be kinder to myself. They have a campaign here to get the product on the market so I really do recommend looking it up!

Go For A Walk 

Just push yourself to get out of the house, listen to some music and just take in the places around you. It's a great distraction and also just lovely to get out and give yourself some air. Go to a nice park or field, theres always dogs you can just go and squish (which is always the biggest bonus of all) - I'm planning on going on lots of walks this Winter with my dogs. We have a new puppy, I forgot to mention, his name is Teddy and he is just the sweetest.

Watch A New TV Series 

That is always a fun one and a great way to distract yourself on the tough days. My go to series all the time are Friends, How I Met Your Mother and Peep Show. However, every week I look forward to an hour of just chilling out with Dan watching Riverdale. It is nice to just have something there to look forward to, there is loads to choose from and all nice, chill ways to distract your mind! 

Try On New Outfits 

This is something I did A LOT when I was at university, every week I would walk to Topshop on Oxford Street and just try on loads of clothes and I loved it. It was something I really looked forward to doing and it was just a nice thing to do for an hour or so, trying on things I normally wouldn't and just having a nice time by myself without thinking about anything else. Just pop into your local town and have a look around and just have fun! 

Distraction really is key and I am learning this day by day, later today I'm going to mong out and play Sims because that is my favourite distraction ~if I'm honest~ and I can't wait! 

What do you do to distract yourself and what do you do when you need a bit of self love? Let me know! 

x x x 

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

World Mental Health Day 2017

Hey everyone,

The time of year has come again where we all seem to recognise mental health, and that's great. It should be recognised and fought for every single day but if one day makes more people stand up and talk and stand up and realise what is happening then again, that is great.

Over the last few months I have written quite a few of blog posts talking about how I'm getting on and my on going struggles with my own mind. With this I have had quite a few people come and speak to me about their own troubles and that is AMAZING. It's fucking terrible that they are struggling but thank God they are opening up, even if it is just to someone they don't know too well. I want people to feel like they can speak to me, I am just one person struggling, there are millions feeling the exact same way. This is something we all need to remember.

Today is a day for recognising our own battles, knowing we are fighting and we are going to win. Sometimes people don't make it through the fight and bless their souls for even trying, it's fucking hard, it's a real fucking hard fight.

I recognise my battle now, I see what I'm doing and I am getting better I need to remember this. A few months ago I was at crisis point, I wanted to be taken away and locked up and not let out until I was better but here I am sat at my kitchen table on my own and not being consumed by my thoughts entirely, I feel like I am breathing again. Slowly, but I am.

I am overcoming aspects of my battle one by one. I am really, really getting through my eating disorder. I am eating whatever I want to really and I am gaining weight. Sometimes I hate it and I hate looking at my body, the next minute I'm like 'WOW you have curves and those tits are the size of a house' (I literally love my boobs) - I always wanted to be little Shannon however I need to realise that I cannot always be little Shannon. One day I will have to be a mum and a wife and I cannot be those things when I was in that state. I'm getting better, I'm getting back the me I lost, I am getting her back.

Knowing I can get through that aspect is driving me to get through this little chapter too. I am seeing this as a little bump in my journey, one that will make me a lot stronger and one day I hope to help others.

I am rationalising things more, I am getting my energy and motivation back, I am learning to see reality again. I am getting there.

I hope anyone on their own journeys will continue their fight, you are so strong, you are doing so well to get up every day and face the day, I know it's hard but you do it. You should be proud of everything you do, one small step at a time. If you have set backs that is okay, a little set back does not take away all of the progress you have made. You are amazing and you deserve the world, continue on your journey and go through the door which is calling you. Behind that door is fun, love, family, friends and no demons trying to drag you down. Treat yourself with goods things, be kind to yourself, the journey comes to an end and we all need to know the end is just the start of an even better journey.

x x x

A Letter To Me...From Me (The Good Side)

To Shannon,

You're struggling and that's okay. You've gone up and down your entire life, this is just a bad time and it will get better I know it will.

I wanted to talk to you in a way so you can read this whenever you are struggling and whenever the bad side takes over. I love you and I care for you, more than you know and realise. There is a little bit in there that wants to look after you, not hurt you and that's me.

You listen so strongly to the bad side that it controls you completely, I'm trying my best to fight for you but you're letting the bad side in too strong...I think we should come up with a name for the bad side, who do you really hate? (we all know who that is, but we can't do that........) We need something short for healthy anxiety...FUCK IT, we'll just call it a cunt? No no, that's not PG enough. We'll just shorten it to HA, that's easy.

When HA comes in you change, you panic, you go in on yourself and you're scared. Everyone around you struggles to cope with it too because they've been doing it for too long. So have you. It's time to let go, let it fucking go, I'm in here! I want to have fun with you!

You think the world is against you, it's not. You have an amazing life. You have a supportive family, amazing friends and the spiciest boyfriend you could've ever laid eyes on. Shannon, he's so fit have you seen him? You have a comfortable job, a nice house, a gorgeous nephew and 2 dogs. Some people don't even have one dog, you have TWO.

You see doctors all the time, you have counsellors, an eating nurse who would pick you up and cuddle you all day if she could to take away the demons. Not all of these people are against you Shannon, they are here to help you. I am too, just let me in.

Picture it this way: Imagine in the future you have a little boy or a little girl. They have anxiety, every time they cry and are scared you take them to the doctors and they get checked over and are told "everything is okay, it's just your anxiety" - they don't believe the doctor, they don't believe you either. But you still fight and fight and fight to keep them safe and happy because you're a mum, you know your child better than they know themselves and you know they're okay. That's exactly what your mum is doing, she's fighting for you because she knows you have an amazing life to live and HA is holding you back. Your mum will never lie to you, just like you would never lie to your child.

Your mum has called you beautiful every day of your life because she made you, she's not lying, she loves you and if she ever thought something was wrong she would be the first person to rush you to get help. Just like she has with the thing that is wrong: YOUR ANXIETY.

Just like Dan says all the time, fight the thing that is really wrong not the things that HA is making up for you to fight. You need that every to fight the problem, not the things that don't exist.

Come on, I am here, I am waiting to enjoy life again. Let me in and let me go out and enjoy life again. HA just wants to destroy you, it's doing a good job. But Shannon, it's fucking time to get rid of the cunt and kick it's arse. Don't let HA destroy you, DESTROY YOUR ANXIETY.

Read this every time you struggle, read this every single time. Do not wallow, no more wallowing. No more. Every single time you get scared, scream out loud FUCK OFF. Tell HA to fuck off, there's about to be a downsize in the house bro, theres no room in the inn.

I am here, I love you. I love you so much. I love how much fun you can have, I love how stupidly funny and weird you are, let that shine again. I am here to have fun and we have so many opportunities to do that.

It's time to fight like you've never fought before, I'll be here the whole way.

Love from, Shannon xoxox

"Love" with Anxiety.

Hellooooo everyone another mental health post, oh me. 

I'm surrounded by love and support there's absolutely no denying that. I have more friends than I could ever dream of, I've always been lucky to find friends in different places. I have my life long friends, my work friends, my friends from uni, my online friends that I've met through bands and my international friends (Erin, that's you). I have so much love to shower me in.

I have a big loving family and a bloody lovely boyfriend. I love to love.

The hardest thing with suffering from anxiety and depression is to know that you're upsetting those who love you so much and those you love so much too. It's hard. It's hard to try to listen to them and take that as what is real and not the demons in your head, they love you after all they want to keep you safe - the things in your head want to make you feel unsafe for as long as possible. Logically, who should be listened to? 

The past 7 months I've been lucky to meet an amazing boy. I've touched on him before and how he came into my life at a point I wasn't expecting to love again. At that time I felt so unloved, so hurt and so alone, I didn't think I would experience love and care from someone again, especially so soon.

He saved me and that's putting it bluntly and he's trying his best to save me again. I didn't grieve properly at the time for my loss of a relationship and my grandad, I've put all of this 'mental breakdown' down to my lack of grief and it's presented itself in a fucking shitty way. But we all grieve differently! 

Now, it's so hard to fall in love when you're fighting your own head. You end up fighting the person who loves you for trying their best to help. He will spend hours on end reassuring me I'm okay when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves watching a film or going for a walk, you know the usual. He will try so hard and he will get angry and upset that I'm not changing. That's so hard but I never resent him for it, he's fighting for me too. 

I want to change for him, I see a future with him I've never seen with anyone else. A REAL future. He's mature, he has his head screwed on. He does things no one has ever done for me before.

He sat me down one evening and gave me a pen and some paper and said "write down your 5 year plan, what do you want in the next 5 years?" - I wrote the usual; in 1 year I want to feel happy and be driving. In 2 years I want to be engaged and be moving into my own home, in 3/4 I want to get married and in 5 I want to have a baby. He looked at the timeline and said "so shannon, where does all this bad stuff fit in? I never said don't write any negative things down. The brain tumours you're scared of don't fit in this timeline do they?" MIND BLOWN. He's amazing. 

He'd thought of that all just to help me see the reality of my anxieties. What fucking gift from the Gods does that?! HE DOES.

It's a tough journey but he's sticking by me, he hasn't given up through all of the tears and panics, he's trying to make me stronger and I can't thank him enough. 

To be in love is amazing, to be in love with someone who wants to help you become a better person, that's just indescribable.

I love you Dan.

All The Good Things

Hey sweets,

In times of poor mental health it is always easy to forget the good things you are surrounded with. It is also always easy for people to say to you "you have everything going for you, why are you letting this beat you?" - for starters, it's not a choice. To be depressed, riddled with anxiety etc is not a choice. It is a chemical imbalance, just a little error in the make up of our brains, going off track on the road you were following. But never a choice. 

I have been at the receiving end of comments like these, I know I am a very lucky girl. I know I have so many good things in my life but that does not stop anxiety being the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. It does not stop these thoughts when I am out and about having fun, they are always there.

However, it IS helpful to remind yourself of the things you do have to ground yourself. If you keep reminding yourself, keep thinking of the good parts of the day instead of the negative then eventually they will become the first thing you think about and the last thing you think about. 

I wanted to do a post about all the lovely things in my life. I'm having a bad day after making a slight bit of progress, my health anxiety is trying to knock me down, I'm having bad dreams and I'm exhausted but I'm going to take some time to just reflect and remember what I am fighting for. 

First of all...

My Family - 

My God am I lucky to have been blessed with this family of mine. My mum is my rock, she always has been and always will be. She is my world and my best friend and I am very lucky to have her constant support even when it all gets a bit tough. She has a lot to deal with but always puts me first, I could never pay her back for the love she has given me over the years. The only way I could pay her back is to recover, that's the biggest way I could pay her back for everything she has done for me. For her to have her girl back. 

My dad, one of my bestest friends on this Earth. He only wants to see me happy, he might have a more abrupt way of putting it than my mum but that is just him. That is who he is and who I love. He works hard to still support me when I need it even though I'm 22 and I've moved out and back 2 times already (fuck) but he doesn't stop and won't stop until the job is done. 

I am an Auntie to a beautiful little boy who brightens up every room he enters. He has changed all of our lives since he was born and I want to watch him grow, I want him to watch me grow too. I want to be able to take him out and be the cool Auntie every little kid deserves to have, right? He is a pleasure to watch grow and change. He is something to be very proud of and I really am grateful for his existence, he is a huge reason to keep going everyday.

My Friends -

I have always been lucky enough to be able to be surrounded by lots and lots of friends in so many areas of my life. I have my group of friends who have been there since high school, the 8 of us have a bond that will never go away. I am so lucky to have such laughs and support always. Especially from my best friend Ben, he is something else and he has been there through so many hard times.

I have friends from home, work, around the country and around the world and I feel so lucky to have been able to build ever lasting friendships with so many amazing people. I want to fight for more memories to be made. 

My Boyfriend - 

I met this boy earlier in the year in a time when I wasn't expecting to fall so madly in love. He saved me. Thats all I can describe that situation as, he picked me up in a time when the only way was down and I am forever grateful. He has been there through so much already and I love him for it. I see a life with him that will go on for a long time, I must fight for that future that I crave so badly with him. He's special and I've been given a little gift to have been able to fall so in love with him.

Then there's other things I'm so grateful for, my little puppies! Oh my god, I love my dogs. My counsellor once said "no matter how you see yourself your dogs will always love you, they don't care what you look like, what you do, how you feel, they will always love you" - there's no nicer feeling than being woken up by my little Sid, just this little creature wants to love me 24 hours a day and I love it.

I have access to help, I'm grateful for that. Without the help of the systems we have in place I would not be on the road to recovery. I know they are not great, they're not and even the NHS would admit that but once you find the right team you will get there.

I have a roof over my head, access to food, clothes, luxuries, I am grateful for all of these things.

I am able to go out and drink with my friends, socialise and have a laugh. Those are the times I look forward to the most, the nights where crazy memories are made. Photographs that I can surround myself with to look at when I need it, to remember what I'm fighting for. I have so many memories I wish to make.

I am a lucky girl. I have a lot to fight for and I will do everything I can to get there.

One thing I sometimes do when times are tough is I write 3 good things that happened in the day, even if the day fucking sucked, I will still try to source just 3 good things. Little or small "I saw some flowers" "I had a sick bath" "I had a good nap" - ANYTHING.

I first done that at university when my lovely friend Sanna gave me a notepad and we did it every night together because she wanted to help me get better (I love you, Sanna). This is a good way to reinforce positivity into a day and to keep it going for days on end.

Give it a try, it might make a nice change to the end of the day!

x 

Thank You.

Hey everyone,

Firstly, if you read my last post then thank you. If you opened up your own mind and looked deeper into your own mental health, again, thank you. Thank you for being a strong person, you're doing a great job.

I had a few people speak to me about it and how it's so important to speak up and it so is. I cannot stress it enough how important it is to speak up about mental illness and discuss it, make it a discussion, make your health known!

I always find a great comfort in writing a blog post when I'm struggling. I should have probably done that at the start of this little blip, but hindsight is a powerful thing really.

Lets be honest, I did not have the motivation to do anything let alone write about how I was feeling. I guess that just goes to show that I am making progress in this whole recovery thing and the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.

Throughout this whole time I've had a lot of different experiences, ones I've never really had before in visual ways. Some in the way of not quite seeing anything...my vision was not blurred but again bringing up the whole 'tunnel' thing, I pretty much had tunnel vision. Like I was holding binoculars up to my eyes but without the actual binoculars being there, just my hands, that was my vision. It was very closed, I couldn't see anything past what was happening there and then. The only thing I saw was panic, physical panic. I sometimes felt like I wasn't present in my body, almost like a fly on the wall in some situations. This was a feeling that scared me the most, I've never felt disconnected from my body in this way and its a feeling I wasn't aware of which left me very confused.

I was just shut off from everything, the only thing going on was my panic, my panic about my health and panic about anything bad happening to me. I could not see anything else. I could not see my families pain, my boyfriend getting upset or anything. I was very consumed with my own physical and mental feelings but I also felt nothing. That is a very weird way to describe it but that is the only way I can describe it.

Like I wrote in my previous post it was like I was floating. It felt like my brain had detached itself from my body and was above my head and I was just floating, floating around - again, not in a good way. In a terrifying way that sent me into a distressing panic every single time.

I can now recognise this as a huge sign of depression. Who knew? Not me.

I've gone through depression a lot in my life, it's come and gone, been bad, been bearable, but nothing quite like this. Nothing which has scared me so much.

It has taken me until now to be able to fully describe what that felt like and I feel like a weight has been lifted to be able to explain the feeling. It is still there, not as strong but still lingering I'm just managing to work through those feelings better than I was over the past few weeks. That is a huge success in my eyes, I'm getting there.

Another thing I've felt through this time is being able to actually see the 'end of the tunnel' - the end of my mental health journey, the other side of it all, the happy and healthy side.

I've never physically seen it before but I can get the picture up in my head. It's almost like a dream, like a daydream. Where I can reach it but I can't quite touch it. It's distressing and frustrating and can push you further into an anxious state because the good things are a touch away but there are little things just throwing you off track.

There are roads that your mind begins to follow in spells of mental illness. The roads veer off here and there, but there's one straight road to full recovery, thats the one I was going down and was in my reach in the image in my head but it was like the road was scrolling off of a page and I was running in the same spot the whole time. The same frustrating, upsetting, infuriating spot.

It is a very scary place to be in and I guess we need to just remember that one day the road will stop scrolling off the page and we will reach the end of it, we will get to that feeling of happiness and being content. Content with the lives we have, the way it is going and the things we are surrounded with.

The belief is probably the strongest thing which will get you through times like these, the belief and faith in your own strength. I know that is hard, believe me, it's fucking hard to even have a slight ounce of faith in your own strength when you just want to run away and fall off that scrolling road. But you will get there, you will.

Again, I really do find comfort in these posts when I'm having bad times and writing how I'm feeling down like this makes me realise and kind of releases the feelings away from me. I hope reading this would help anyone else too, that's all I'd like to do and gain from this - the knowledge that I would help someone else become in touch with their thoughts and feelings about their own mental health. You're never alone on a journey through your mental health, after all it is a journey and it's a much better ride with other people there to help guide you.

Keep on fighting x

Just A Smidge of Mental Health...

Now anyone who knows me, follows me on any social media or has ever read my blog knows I am more than open about my mental health. My mental health really is what defines me, as sad as that is, that is what rules my life whether I like it or not. It has done for years, too many years and too many times I have attempted recovery, thought I had got through it and then gone back 3584354 steps. Too many times I have cried and cried and cried because I never feel like it will end. Too many times I have reached out for help, received it but my brain doesn't process it properly. TOO. MANY. TIMES. 

I'm currently going through my worst ever spell of mental health. I have gone to absolute rock bottom to the point of wanting to be taken away, too scared to leave my counsellors room because the fear of real life was too much. 

I really hit rock bottom, I thought I had done before throughout it all. I thought I reached rock bottom when I reached my lowest weight in my eating disorder, I thought I reached it when self harming was something I turned to (trigger warning, I'm sorry) I thought I had reached it time and time again. But I hadn't, this was rock bottom. This time right now was rock bottom.

Feeling disconnected from the entire world, just floating about it felt like but not in a good way. Not in the floaty way you feel when you've had a few shots and a few glasses of wine, floaty in a way that I was scared to leave the house, scared to go to work and scared to just face life. I have been in a very, very dark place. 

My health anxiety has reached ultimate heights or should I say ultimate lows. I have had multiple doctors trips "I'm scared my hearts going to stop" "do I have a brain tumour?" "do I have ovarian cancer?" - no Shannon, you've got a case of the old 'anxiety' and 'depression' dear. 

Simple as that. A doctor even visited my house and all of the things I told her she explained were typical signs of major depression. 

It's not a surprise, I went through a lot earlier in the year. I lost my granddad and a relationship and a home within the space of 2 weeks. But then I met an amazing boy shortly after who saved me from that awful time, it's just all caught up to me at the wrong time. 

I feel I've used my grief in this way, I fell deep into my depression which I had under control and even deeper into my health anxiety which really, never goes away. It's been present for a very long time but not quite like this.

I've called 111 too many times and even had a trip to A&E. I've done everything to feed my health anxieties wants and needs but what about mine? What about my needs as a healthy functioning human? What about my happiness? Why does my mind want to deprive me of the happiness I deserve as anyone on Earth wants to. 

I deserve to enjoy things again, to go out and have fun with my boyfriend and our friends, to see my nephew without crying when he leaves (why I do that, I DO NOT KNOW) to spend time with my mum without getting into crying matches about how hard this all is. 

I deserve to gain back the girl I have lost over the last couple of months. She disappeared a little bit but she's in there, fighting to get out slowly but surely. 

Before I would always feel awfully guilty about having time off work but the fact of the matter is I even had to be signed off work and you know what? That's okay. I needed to look after myself instead of sitting at my desk running off to have yet another panic attack, I needed time. I needed time to realise how bad it had got and I couldn't do that in a work environment, and that's okay. 

I would never ever shy away from my mental health. I would never lie to people and say I'm okay when I'm not. I'm not okay, but I will be. I can see that now, a few weeks ago I couldn't see that, I couldn't admit that I would one day be okay again because I felt in too deep. I'm getting out, slowly, that girl is coming out of the awful dark hole she fell into. 

I no longer want my mental health to define me, to sit at my desk at work and have panic attacks out of nowhere, to sit with my mum in town and ask her if I'm dying. I just want to live my life the way I deserve to live it; by having a fuck tonne of fun. 

The journey to the end of mental health is not an easy one and never will be, everyones journey is so different. It takes as long as it takes, a broken bone fixes in time...the things tangled up in your mind untangle in time. With love, support, confidence and hope it will happen. I believe that now. 

Always speak up, never shy away. Never, ever, ever. There is always someone waiting to help you, a counsellor, a doctor, a friend, a colleague, a parent, a brother, a sister, a stranger online, anyone. Mental illness is a secret little bugger just waiting to strike anyone, literally anyone and we must support each other in this fight to reach the other side.

Never give up, life is too precious. 

I want to get through this to prove I can and never look back again. 

I Went Backwards...

Hi everyone,

I've been very much absent from posting for a while now. I was so happy a little while ago, anxieties disappearing, wanting to get on top of my eating disorder, the lot you know.

I took a turn, my biggest turn in my mental health journey - even as I write this I'm trying to hold back tears because I am so fed up, so hurt by my own brain.

I don't know how it started or when but it did. My health anxiety took over and I've been in the palm of its hand ever since. I have never had anxiety like it in my life and I've had a lot of it, let me tell you. I am fully in the grips of anxiety, I am its bitch.

It's ruining every single day for me, every day. I am at work and have to go home because I'm afraid my hearts going to stop and I'll die at my desk. I am sitting at home in tears because I am afraid I will die. I'm walking anywhere and I'm scared that's where I'm going to die, right there on the spot.

I guess I do know where it all started and why it happened. I got lucky, I have got an amazing life and I really do. I have met the absolute love of my life, I have amazing friends, a beautiful nephew and a lovely family and my mind thinks it's okay to try and steal it all away from me. Like I don't deserve it.

I don't know why I believe I don't deserve all of this goodness, I do deserve it, I DO.

I am scared I am going to leave them all and never return and not have this amazing life that I want to lead with this beautiful soul of a boy that I was so lucky to meet and fall head over heels in love with. He is my world, and I want to share this world with him.

Anxiety traps you, it ruins you and eats you and spits you out until you are no more. You are nothing but anxieties crappy little creation. I don't want to be anxieties creation, I want to be a creation made by the people around me who love me and protect me.

I have spent weeks upon weeks feeling like this, I thought I'd turned a corner - I was wrong - again, letting everyone around me down. I was at work and I just cried and cried all day, cried on the bathroom floor, panicked and got sent home.

The feelings I have in my body are ones I have never felt before with anxiety. The feelings in my chest are of pure fear and dread and I can't shake them, they won't go away. I want them to so bad.

I am so sad, exhausted and done with being this way. I don't want to live my life under anxieties thumb anymore.

I feel warmth rise up my spine when the anxiety fills me up, my body goes numb and my head goes dizzy and there I am. In the middle of a panic attack once more trying to get out. I am so fed up.

I want to be the happy girl I was born to be, the happy girl my boyfriend deserves to see and the happy girl my mum and dad brought into the world.

I am so apologetic that I am ruled by this disgusting illness. I couldn't be more sorry if I tried.

I just want to live again, I want to be free, how do I become free from this when I'm in so deep? I can't get out, I am drowning in these fears of dying and being taken away from everything I love.

I know we all have set backs but I've had enough set backs to last me a lifetime, it really is time to start living.

I need to.

I have always been so about getting through mental illnesses and speaking about them and this is me right now speaking the fuck up. I cannot be ruled anymore, I cannot be told what to do by an evil part of my brain I cannot be told everyday that it is my last. I have a life to lead and a world to see and I refuse to do it anymore.

This is it now, this is where I am done. I am so done with all of this.

Anxiety, depression, my eating disorder - it's all done. I am not going to live that life anymore. I am tired of it, so physically tired and so mentally tired.

I know it's going to take time to get back up, I know I'll have bad days, I guess this is one of them - but I just am at the end of it all now. I've hit a wall and I need to climb over it.

It's time to make some fucking changes.

Self Worth.

Hi everyone, I hope you are doing well! 

It's been a while, my life has been a whirlwind since the last time I posted, the New Year really treated me to a multitude of shite all at once. Thanks Universe. 

I had to deal with a break up, leaving a house and my Grandad passing away all in the space of a couple of weeks. Firstly, I was broken, didn't think I'd be able to cope. Then my Grandad passed away and as much as I fucking miss him and wish he was still here, it put life and everything into perspective. 

I haven't let myself wallow, I haven't sat around crying like would be expected of me in this situation. It has been an awful time, but my God it's made me so much stronger.

Never, EVER in my life have I realised my self worth. Never have I wanted to get better mentally and physically. But all of this happened and some sort of switch turned on in my head. I realised I was worth so much more than the way I was treated, I realised that life is too short to sit around and suffer. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be well.

I've been enjoying myself since all of this happened, I'm the happiest I've been in such a long time and really, I am so proud of myself.

I finally realise that as a person I am worth love, kindness and attention from the people who I want to give attention and love back to. I'm so happy for myself.

I have realised I am worth more than my eating disorder, more than my anxiety and more than my depression. I've been eating whatever I wanted (of course with the off days, normal in recovery) - I've been going out and having fun, spending time with some lovely people and treating myself to nice things. This is the nicest I've felt in so long, I am finally ready to live my life.

I'm now weighing up my options about the future, I'm looking into going back to University with people behind me who support me and want me to succeed. I am in a really good place. 

Basically, know your worth guys. Just know that you are worth love, happiness and good health. Look after yourself and get rid of toxic people who bring you down, life is TOO SHORT PEOPLE. You are worth all of those days where you treat yourself to nice things, you are worth the time you spend on yourself and only yourself, you are worth self love and self respect, you are worth the respect you deserve from other people. You are just fucking amazing and embrace it. 

I'll be back soon with regular posts, I just need some well earned me time!

All the love, x 

World Mental Health Day 2016

Hi everyone!

It's World Mental Health Day today, I don't know why this day always make me think so much (like I don't do that enough anyway) - but it makes me reflect, where I'm at, where I'm going, how far I've come.

I'll be honest I'm still struggling, the struggle is so real. I'm getting there though. My therapy sessions are coming towards the end and I could've cried when I realised last week that this was the case. I don't know why I felt emotional, but I've built up such a trust and faith in my therapist it's going to be very strange not seeing her every week. I'm learning new techniques, trying to apply them, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.

One of the biggest steps I've taken recently is after a conversation I had with my eating nurse a couple of weeks ago. I was weighed, as per usual, the weight wasn't going up too much. My eating disordered head was pleased about this, my sensible head still confused. I asked the question "so, what weight do you want me to be at to be classed as healthy?" I was asking this for my own peace of mind. We went through previous weights and she told me where I should ideally be but really in recovery you're classed as being healthy when you have your periods return.

I wouldn't know this though as I've been on the contraceptive pill since I was fourteen due to being anaemic and obviously now because of doing the frickle frackle. A period on the pill is not 'real' as it were, it sounds strange and I still don't really understand. I never listened in biology lolz. Anyway, the thought took over me like "WHAT IF I'M NOT HAVING MY PERIODS AND I DON'T GET THEM BACK AND I CAN'T HAVE BABIES!?!?!?!?!" My whole life is leading up to the day I pop out children and have a family and a house and a husband. If I've screwed that up for myself by listening to a little demon in my head making me not eat then I would simply never forgive myself.

I made the decision to come off the pill because of this, this is the biggest step I think I have made in my recovery! A positive one, because it shows I want to know where my body is at, what I have to work to and where this is all going.

I'm proud of myself for that. FYI - I'M NOT HAVING BABIES YET. Unless all that bloating I get is due to a nugget in my belly or just due to the eating disorder recovery...let's think logically here.

In terms of depression, I'm doing okay you know. My job gets me done, again I'm being positive about this and looking for new ones to try and better myself there.

I've learnt to distract myself better than I've ever done in the past. I've always been too occupied in my own brain to focus on other things. But I've been doing my prints, having nice baths with Lush bath bombs and chilling watching telly surrounded by candles. I'm doing okay.

I have such a long way to go, I have to learn to accept myself like my therapist always teaches me to say "I completely love and accept myself". It's just learning to believe it.

I'll get there, I hope.

I see other people who have suffered who are radiant, enjoying life, not worried about the size of their thighs or their chubby little cheeks. I want to get there one day.

I admire anyone who recovers from a mental illness and that is what today is all about. Love and support one another on their journeys, recognise the difficulties other people face and help them get to the end of that journey.

It's all a journey, one we can all get through when we believe we deserve the happiness that is at the end of it all.

All the love xxxx

P.S. As it is World Mental Health Day 2016 please check out my Mental Health prints over on Vicious Prints! 25% of the price of the print is donated to the Mental Health charity MIND.

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An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Hello everyone,

You may wonder why I'm making something like this public, why I'm putting it on the internet? You know me, I'm so open about my mental health and would do anything I could to raise awareness and to get others to help themselves or help those around them. If this helps one person have more of an insight, if it helps one mum have a slight look into what is going on in their childs mind then that's all I want. I want to help, this small platform could do that, or so I hope. Here goes...

Dear my friend and my enemy, 

I say friend loosely...my enemy strongly. It's been tough hasn't it? These past few years, who knows when it all begun, when you creeped up behind me and tore me apart. I know you've been there for a while, a long time, too long. God, why did you come along? 

On one hand you've been my friend, my comfort and my safety blanket. When everything is a bit shit you've been there to fall back into. You've made me feel strong sometimes even at my weakest, we know someone with an eating disorder has strength like no other. The strength to deprive, that's just indescribable. The willpower to go through with lies and deceit. You made me lie to the people I love, you made me get angry to them, when that was never in my nature. Sometimes you fully took over and people recognised this. I didn't realise though, because I thought it was me. You'd taken over however, you had control. I liked that control though, sometimes I miss it. I miss the control we had when we could pick and choose when or what to eat or not to eat, the control of just running away from it all and going for stupidly long walks, just me and my brain. You made me feel safe, but that's the key word...feel. You made me feel a lot of things, happy though? Never.

You stole things from me. You stole other peoples trust from me, that is unforgivable. You stole a life and a future in my dream career from me that I don't even know if I wish for back, but I'm sad that I let it all go. At University you turned me into a mess, you had me laying on my bedroom floor taking pictures of my body to make sure my ribs were still sticking out like that was some sort of horrifying progress. You made me believe a tiny amount of food or none at all was enough for those beautiful long walks around London or for a full day of learning. All I learnt was that I was breaking before my eyes. 

I left that life behind, I had to. I left University because if I had stayed I would not be here now. You didn't stay there, you stayed with me. You never left. I wish you'd have left. 

You made my mum cry down the phone to me almost daily, she still does now and that is the most heartbreaking of all. The pain we have caused to other people, the constant questioning STILL of whether my size is acceptable. Why won't it stop? It's not fair. It's not fair on me or them. I can't believe I let something so strong take over and destroy so much. 

I'm finally starting to get my strength back to fight it, I couldn't fight you with such little mental strength. I had the strength to do all the wrong things but not the right. I want my mum to trust me on my own again, I have my own home but still I know she sits and worries that I am not eating. You still tell me not to. I want my boyfriend to not have to answer the same questions over and over again, they make no difference to you or I. I want to be happy and healthy, not weak and brittle and too tired for life. 

It's time to go, I've got to be on my own. You were there when I felt I had no one, but you're the one that pushed me into this darkness. It's over now, it has to be. 

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