The Tinder Ghost

Hello everyone, old and new...

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on what has always been my beloved blog. The last time I was here was October last year, I'd just moved into my new flat and I was ready for a totally fresh start. However, in that time I'd lost any creative energy I'd ever had and my blog took the biggest back seat it had ever taken, it was at the back of a very long bus. The bus being my life. 

In the last year I've just been trying to figure out life as a 24/25 year old woman. What do I need to do in life to feel like I have some sort of purpose? Moving into a new home where my independence was absolutely all mine, I made the rules for myself and I could do whatever I wanted. It's just not as plain sailing as maybe you'd think or maybe I had hoped. I hadn't been 'on my own' properly for 4 years, being in and out of relationships I did not who I was by myself. I of course live with my best friend, although I'd say he's my biggest partner in life (we are joined at the hip) I still had to figure out life on my own, you know? 

I had to find out who Shannon was as a single, now young woman, in a town I was about to become even more familiar with. Living in the same place all your life is fun, but as an adult your world of course opens up to totally new things. I'd find myself - and still do - in the pub on a Tuesday night, it wasn't just a weekend treat anymore. I mean, it's a sick life I can't lie. 

So being single in 2020, what's that like I hear you all ask? Yes you, the ones with babies, husbands or wives, long term partners or with a committed fuck buddy. It is fucking hard. To put it so bluntly, I never knew how hard it was going to be. When I became single I thought right, fuck I've got to go and...date?! I'd been on 2 dates with my previous boyfriend and by the 3rd we were pretty much together, so I really had not experienced Tinder or Hinge or whatever at it's finest. So there I was, single, and I didn't properly start going on dates until the July which was 3 months or so after, and well it just chucked me right into the shit show that is millennial dating. 

Here's how it goes: You meet someone, go on a lovely, wonderful first date and then never hear from them again. Quite simply, they are a ghost hence the term 'Ghosting'. Let me give you an official definition from our trusty Urban Dictionary: 

'When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friends' phone calls, social media and avoiding them in public' 

Fuckers. 

I cannot lie, we've ALL done it to some extent but some people are serial ghosts, so much so maybe they are just dead? Or maybe just dead inside to their feelings and the feelings of others. 

It is brutal, imagine dating someone new and opening up to them. Telling them everything from your deepest anxieties, family history and all the things you love to the time you, a non smoker, smoke a cigarette out of your bedroom window because you were horrifically constipated. But then the next minute they are gone and you have to repeat the process again and again. It is never ending. 

Does it get easier? I don't know! I always had high hopes for Tinder and what not, I met my ex on there and had an almost perfect 2 year relationship from it, so it does work...for 2 years at least. Ever since though my life has been full of an array of dick pics, ghosting, drunken nights and drunken texts, kicking people out at 3am and calling people the wrong name at the wrong time. Although it all makes for fun stories, when does the break come?! When will I stop having multiple boys names in my phone where their last names are 'Tinder'? They must be a really big family.

I could talk about this forever and a day, I feel like I've had my fair share of experiences on the matter that I could write a whole book. I know I am not alone in the struggle of millennial dating, it's even harder in this 2020 COVID world where we maybe want to get closer to someone but is that even okay...do we push the boundaries for our own sanity or do we keep ourselves to ourselves. We all crave the touch and affection from other humans, it's natural but it's tough to go from one to the other and they all end up being just another experience. Mostly...bad. Really, let's just all give up the ghosting thing yes? Let's just all be upfront and honest, maybe it'll make the whole thing a little easier. 

What are your experiences with online dating right now? Please do let me know, let's chat about it.

I'll be doing many more posts on dating, I could talk about it all day. It blows my mind how crazy it can be! 

For now I'll be on Instagram on @alifewithambitions - let's chat, ease me back into this blogging world.

Take care x 

Look who's back...again

Hello you, it's been a while. It's been too long, you're like an old friend I keep meaning to meet up with but seem to avoid at all costs, my bad.

I would love to say that my absence was for good reason, like I was travelling the world or doing amazing things with my life and ruling the universe. Fact of the matter is, I have just had a fucking funny year and haven't felt like writing at all. Here I am again though, at a time when my mental health has taken a dip and I turn back to writing. I've spent the last few evenings just putting pen to paper and writing, but nothing makes me feel more connected to myself than writing on my blog. That is the way it has always been. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days and realising some things along the way.

In my life I have done so many things, so many good things, some bad things. I have gone through so much and got through all of it with strength I didn't even know I had at the time. In my life I have been in love, and been heartbroken. I have been in lust and broken some hearts. I've experienced pain in physical and mental forms that I never thought I'd have to experience at such young ages. I've seen bad things, I've done bad things. But over the past few days like I said, I have tried to remember all of the good things I can outweigh them with.

I could sit and focus on the bad but from this moment onwards I am going to try not to do that anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on the bad things and not enough time on the good. I seem to forget all of the good things I have achieved.

I forget that I got through some really rubbish illnesses when I was little, those were horrendous times but little me did it. She was so strong! I would love to be more like her again, to have her drive and her strength. I mean, I've hardly grown in size since then I am sure I can get her mentality back somehow.

I always forget that I beat anorexia. WHAT!? What an amazing thing that was to achieve, and I never give myself credit for it. Once upon a time that felt like the impossible but I made it possible with that strength that I always feel I never have, I did have it. I am living proof that I had that strength.

I forget that I lived in London for a year. Before that year I would never even walk into a shop on my own, I would never get a bus on my own, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question. Nothing. But off I went, a new city, all alone. I travelled alone, made new friends and went for long walks all on my own. I was a new woman and I did a great thing there.

I always forget that I've gone on amazing holidays and had experiences all over the world. I've gone from Sweden to Switzerland to Dublin to Austria, Europe has been my oyster and I've loved every moment I have spent on those adventures. Creating stories and memories that I can tell to people for the rest of my life.

I take for granted that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Family, friends, colleagues, they are always there to help me through and to make me laugh and smile when I need it the most. They have helped shape me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so lucky.

For me, it is time to start recognising all of the good things and stop giving so much attention to the bad things. What is the point, really? I have so many good things to remember and my whole life to allow more good things to happen. These bad thoughts are not important, they simply have no importance. They haven't done anything good for me over the years, they will not be things that I look back on and remember. All of the good times and things I have achieved? They are what I need to focus on. My strength to get through, my drive to get better even when it is impossible - these have to be my focus points from now on.

Bad thoughts? What bad thoughts?

Letter to 2019 Me - BLOGMAS DAY 16

Good day everyone, I hope you are having a great day. Christmas is so soon! 

Now you know we love a good letter on this blog, so let's do a letter to future Shannon, shall we? 

Dear Shannon (...in the future) 

2019 is a new year with fresh starts in the palm of your hands. It is the most cliché thing ever to say 'new year, new me' so we won't say that. But it is a time where you can reflect and decide where you'd like to take the next 365 days.

You know, we've got so much planned haven't we? We've already got holidays planned, best friends are getting married (so now is a good time to really plan that hen do) and we are planning to move the fuck out.

Dan is working hard to get us to that point and you are too, you've proved that lately with aims to get a new job so we can progress and have a totally new beginning in 2019. 

I feel like 2019 is definitely going to be a year of growth, perhaps one of the most important years of our lives. We are going to grow up tremendously and you know what? I am so stoked to see how you grow. (You, being me of course) - it's time to crack down on the mental health stuff and remember that it's all going to be okay whatever happens.

Whatever happens right, everything is looking great so far. How cool is it going to be to be a homeowner? You could only dream of that a few years ago but you are entering another year with the love of your life with so many amazing plans. 

Love will continue to grow with you, everything has room for growth and that is the most important thing here. 

All I have to say to you is that you need to learn and grow from 2018, take the good with the bad and let it help you develop into the 2019 version of yourself.

It's going to be a good year. Period. 

Shannon x 

Favourites from 2018 - BLOGMAS DAY 14 -

Hey everyone! Well and truly smashing this Blogmas thing and we are 2 weeks in, amazing! I never thought I'd be able to do it but here I am...

In todays post let's break down some of my favourite things from this year, from movies to music, you know...the usual. 

FAVOURITE MOVIE 

photo credit

5 words people, CALL ME BY YOUR NAME. This absolutely heart wrenching, beautiful, picturesque film shaped my year I'm telling you. I watched this earlier in the year and the proceeded to watch it about 12 times after that, usually like every Saturday when I was bored. 

If you haven't seen this film I want you to close this blog right now, search it on YouTube, Amazon or anywhere and rent it, rent the fuckin shit out of that film. It is beautiful. I am not much of a film watcher, I watch films I really want to watch and I never get super hyped but this one I was telling everyone about it. So many of my friends then went and watched it and showed other people and it was a beautiful circle of loveliness. 

Timothée Chalamet became an absolute ray of sunshine in my eyes, what a guy. I now look forward to any project he has coming up because he is such a fresh, exciting young actor. 

This film will show you that love is love and it's as simple as that. Stunning. 

FAVOURITE ALBUM

Honestly, I have a couple so let's get onto those...

Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer: Fucking sick album, I've followed and loved 5SOS for many years now. At first this album sounded bizarre and I wasn't digging it but after some time I am still obsessed. Also, if you see any album live I think it immediately becomes better too. 

Beerbongs & Bentleys - Post Malone: This album must've been so many peoples favourite this year because it was such a break through. It was so good and listening to the lyrics in some of the songs really pulls on your heart strings, something which in most Hip-Hop/Rap albums I cannot personally relate to. Sick album, forever recommend. 

FAVOURITE MEMORY 

I've sat here for a good while trying to figure out which memory from this year was my favourite, I've had a bunch of amazing memories. I think our holiday with our friends was my favourite, but the one night which stuck out the most was San Juan festival. We got merry on the beach until whatever time in the morning, some of the group jumped over fires, we made wishes in the sea at midnight and the girls and I danced and sung in the sea. It was a memory that just makes me smile every time I think of it. 

FAVOURITE GIG

I went to a fair few this year but I think the best must've been Harry Styles with my best friend, Ben. We got to the O2 and got absolutely merry as fuck. I had 4 different Bellinis and too much cider and it was the funniest night ever. We sung our favourite H Styles songs together, gushed over the man himself and then Ben fell asleep on the train like a total mong. It was awesome.

These are just a few little things from the year, what are some of your favourite things from the year? 

Let me know! 

Shannon x 

Letter To Myself This Year - BLOGMAS DAY 13

Happy Blogmas day 13 everyone! I'm just going to jump straight into this one... 

Dear 2018 Shannon,

What a year it has been. Isn't that the most cliché thing that could ever be said at the end of any year? I mean, it's fucking true though. The ups and downs have been real. 

Amazing ups and terribly low, lows. The ups were more often than last year, that was great. We went on loads of lovely holidays, had almost anxiety free holidays (AMAZING!) saw bands we've loved for years and enjoyed ourselves on days when there wasn't even much to do.

The lows were rubbish, mental health issues were still at an all time high but also at a low, so it evened out at some points, right? We fought the mental health as hard as we could, made some changes and some that really helped in magical ways - even if it meant our credit card is suffering a bit, oops. Dad made us have squeaky bum time when he got poorly but he's that strong man we have adored all of our lives and fought through it even harder than we thought he would. What a hero. Something we will never forget.

Love with Dan grew stronger than we thought possible, remember 2017 when we met this boy, we're about to enter another year with him. Crazy! How many memories did we make? The holidays, the trips here and there, the laughs in our bedrooms which made us have belly aches. The love we have is so amazing. 

This year we watched Jensen grow into an incredible little two year old who is the funniest, most clever lad ever. He's become even more of a best friend and we have captured so many memories to look back on from his growing this year. 

One amazing thing that happened which I think we forget is that you got discharged from the eating disorder team. You gained your weight, got to a healthy weight and got discharged, that is FUCKING AMAZING. That has to be your proudest moment this year, never, ever take that for granted. It was the biggest step in your mental health journey so far, you beat that, you can beat anything. 

It's been an amazing year. Hard, but amazing and a year we will never forget. One to look back on with a full, but heavy heart. 

Thank you 2018 for the memories. 

What am I grateful for? - BLOGMAS DAY 11

Hey everyone! 

I always speak about how important gratitude is to me and especially at this time of year, you reflect on what has happened and how you've managed to get through things. For that, I show gratitude. 

In life I am grateful for many things, here are just a few: 

FAMILY 

In what has been a hard year for my family, they've still all been there at the hardest time and as a family we have managed to get through everything together. Love has grown and bad times are replaced with this love and laughs. In the worst of times we build each other up and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful for the house my parents have put over my head for 23 years and letting me come back when things in life haven't turned out right. I am grateful that my brother has always been my best friend and that he has brought my gorgeous nephew into my life to help my love and confidence to care for someone grow. 

I am beyond grateful to have my family, today, tomorrow and forever. 

me, my nephew and dan

DAN, MY BOYFRIEND

Love is so important to me so to be in love with this special human means the world to me. I've spoken about how much he's helped me grow as a person a billion times but god, I am so grateful for his existence. Without him the past 2 years would have gone a very different way because he picks me up the best he can, he wants to help me grow for our future together. He is incredible and I am so grateful for his love. 

MY FRIENDS

A few stand out - of course - but I am very lucky and grateful to have so many supportive friends in my life. Not everyone holds onto friends they made when they were little once they leave high school, luckily I did and for that I am so grateful. As we grow and we spend less time together the time we do means so much more as adults building our lives. It's great to see everyone grow. 

MY THERAPIST 

I've had a bunch of counsellors in my life but this year I had to go private because it was just time to take control myself. I met my therapist and he helped me to try and change my life. Through ups and downs I am so grateful to have found him, that he let me see life in a different way. Even though I am still having bad times they are less frequent than before. For that I am grateful. 

CREATIVITY 

I am super grateful for the creative blood that flows through me, I hadn't ever touched on it when I was young but as I grow I try to be creative everyday. It makes me feel great and like I'm spending my time more productively than before.

LIFE

As simple as that, I am grateful for life and for the things it is due to bring to me. 

What are you grateful for? Let me know and have a great 11th day of Blogmas! 

Shannon x 

Christmas Tree Brownie Baking - BLOGMAS DAY 8

Hello everyone! As you can tell from the title I took on some Christmas baking. I got a recipe from Sainsburys here after looking on my trusty Pinterest. Usually I'm a decent baker, the same applies here but my opinion on the finished product may be slightly different... 

Ingredients

• 150g cook’s Belgian dark chocolate (76% cocoa solids), roughly chopped
• 150g unsalted butter
• 3 large eggs
• 125g caster sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• zest and juice of 1 clementine (I USED A SATSUMA, CAUSE THEY'RE JUST THE FUCKING SAME TO BE HONEST)
• 3 tbsp port (I USED RED WINE AS AN ALTERNATIVE) 
• ¼ tsp ground cinnamon
• a good pinch of ground cloves
• several gratings of nutmeg
• 100g plain flour
• ¼ tsp baking powder

To decorate 

• 75g royal icing sugar
• 1-2 tbsp gold and silver sprinkles – we used star sprinkles
• 12 x Cadbury chocolate fingers

Ingredients taken straight from the Sainsburys website 

I love baking at the best of times but at Christmas time it's even better to have fun and experiment with recipes you've never tried before. Dan and I are planning to make Terry's Chocolate Orange brownies again soon, they ruled last time and Dan definitely got a lot of credit with his work friends. 

I cannot wait for Christmas time in the future when I have my own home and can freely bake whenever the fudge I want, and be a mum who bakes cookies for their kids when they get home from school. Or the mum who makes gingerbread men as little presents for people, I want to be THAT extra. 

They turned out looking fairly decent, so pat on the back to me. A great way to spend only a couple of hours on a day off! 

I'd say the following out of ten: 

Taste - 5/10 (personal preference) Dan said 5/10

Ease of baking - 8/10

Disaster level on my part - 6/10 (they look OKAY) 

Just to remind you the entire recipe is here so let me know if you're trying these out for Christmas! (I'd advise you to avoid using ground cloves however, they made them taste WEIRD. What else do you have planned to bake or cook this Christmas season, let me know! 

Shannon x 

Christmas Tag - BLOGMAS DAY 7

Good day everyone! I hope your Blogmas is going well and you're super stoked for Christmas.

I've done a Christmas tag that I just found somewhere online, lots of fun and has me thinking so much about Christmas. 

1. Use one noise to describe how excited you are for Christmas.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH - Which is the noise that little boy makes it that vine,  I watched that DAILY for a long time. 

2. Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve?

Nuh uh, although Dan and I exchanged Christmas pyjamas on Christmas Eve last year and we are making it our 'thing'. 

3. What holiday traditions are you looking forward to most this year?

My favourite tradition is the way we open our presents, it's my favourite thing. My dad will sit and read out the label for the present and honestly, it's the most homely feeling. My Grandad used to do it and those were the best times. 

4. Is your Christmas tree real or fake?

Fake! I think when I have my own home I'd quite like a real tree, but then sometimes they look like utter shite. 

5. What is your favorite Christmas film?

I have a few, The Grinch, The Santa Claus movies and Christmas with the Kranks. Basically if Tim Allen is in it I'm going to feel Christmassy as fuck. 

6. Where do you usually spend your holiday?

Growing up was obviously with my parents, sometimes my Grandparents. But now I am in a serious, grown up relationship so it is split between my family and Dans family. This year we are at mine Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning and then off to Dans in the afternoon. Two Christmases, YAAAAAAS.

7. What is your favorite Christmas song?

Last Christmas by Wham! - Classic. 

8. What is your all-time favorite holiday food/sweet treat?

Pigs in Blankets and honey roasted parsnips can literally do me. 

9. Be honest: do you like giving gifts or receiving gifts better?

Honestly, I get the biggest buzz out of buying and wrapping gifts for people and then I get so excited for them to open the presents. So without looking like a suck up, I definitely prefer giving gifts. 

10. What is your favorite thing about Christmas?

The vibe, is that a thing? Just the Christmas vibe makes you feel all lovely and great. 

11. When do you start getting excited for Christmas?

It depends on the year I suppose, there have been a couple where the month of December has passed and it doesn't even feel like Christmas. But now with a boyfriend and a little nephew it's all a lot more exciting, so I am stoked already! 

12. What is the best Christmas gift you’ve ever received?

That is so hard! I think my dolls house when I was very young was the best, I would still play with it now if it was socially acceptable for a 23 year old. 

13. What is the worst present you’ve ever received?

As much as I love cheese, I didn't really care for receiving an engraved cheeseboard. Maybe when I'm 37. 

14. As a kid, did a sibling ever receive a present that you wished was for you?

Nope, my brother liked games for his xbox and I liked dolls and what not.

15. What would be your dream place to visit for the holiday season?

New York without a doubt, but that is my answer for everything. Dream place to visit for a weekend? New York. Honeymoon? New York. Take a dump? New York. 

16. Most memorable Holiday moment?

I will never forget walking into my Nannie and Grandads living room and seeing the pile of presents so huge that it touched the ceiling. Our Christmases back then were insane. 

17. Do you make New Years resolutions? Do you stick to them?

I do but I rarely stick to them, I can't remember when I ever have. Never been one to say I'll stop eating rubbish in the New Year or go to the gym because it would just never fucking happen. 

18. What makes the holidays special for you?

Family! Always family, and now it's extended it's even more special. 

19. What’s the best part about Christmas for you?

The same as above, creating memories and traditions that I will carry throughout my life! 

20. You have been granted one Christmas wish… What will it be?

To bring good health and happiness to my loved ones. That would be the best. 

If you enjoyed it then you can do it too, let me know if you do and let's chat about Christmas! 

Shannon x 

Christmas Gift Guide - Boyfriend Edition - BLOGMAS DAY 3

Happy Blogmas day 3 everyone! 

Todays is a little Christmas gift guide for the lads in your life. I find buying things for my boyfriend quite hard because he doesn't necessarily have a 'thing' and I'm like.......thank you that's super helpful. So I end up buying clothes and random things that I think will make his Christmas special. I think I've done a good job this year.

The below include a couple of things my boyfriend already has (Dior Homme makes me think of our first date together!) - the others are just little bits I came across and thought "yeah, someones boyfriend might like these". 

all photos are credited in the links below 

FIND THESE ITEMS HERE: 

1. Dior Homme Eau - £54 - £73

2. Posh Sandwiches Cook Book - £12.99

3. Knotted Leather Bracelet - Tommy Hilfiger - £39

4. Jack Wills Boxers 2 set - £25

5. Vans Old Skool Trainers - £57

6. Star Wars Drink Bottle - £20

Let me know what you are planning on getting your boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm pretty much finished but knowing me I won't stop buying him things despite this! I'm a spoiler... 

See you tomorrow! 

Shannon x 

Christmas Wishlist - BLOGMAS DAY 2

Happy Blogmas Day 2! 

I will be sharing with you just a few things I would like for Christmas this year. The older I get the harder it is when my mum asks me, my 23 year old self "make me a Christmas list so I know what you want". 

I miss the old days when you would sit down for hours to pen your Christmas list, or sit in your Nannies kitchen and go through the Argos catalogue and pick at least one thing one each page. Just me? No? Didn't think so! 

all photos belong to each brand linked below

FIND THE ITEMS HERE: 

1. Fujifilm Instax Square Camera - £125

2. LUSH Snow Fairy Body Spray - £20

3. Jimmy Choo 'Fever' - £43 - £79

4. Pull & Bear Metallic Dress - £12.99

5. Hand Lettering 101 - £18.79

6. Converse - £75

7. Denim Dungarees - £42

I would be a very lucky girl to get anything from this list this year, but I am more stoked to give my presents to my loved ones. Some ideas will be coming up in the following days! 

What's on your Christmas wish list this year? Let me know! 

Shannon x 

Mental Health: A Best Friends Point Of View

Hey everyone,

Welcome to part one of three...I am starting a new little 'series' where I will get 3 of the most important people in my life and my mental health journey to just talk a little about how it has affected them.

First of all, my best friend Ben

Ben has been my best friend for many years. We met at school, I used to go into one of the blocks and watch him play ping pong and then he would come over and make me laugh until I wanted to pee (he still does) 

We have a very special friendship, I love him like a brother. I laugh, cry, smile and share all of my memories with him. He is family.

I would not have been able to get through so many things in my journey without him there to catch me on the bad days. He's been there through the highs and the lows, the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression and the break ups. He was always there. He's been there from celebrating successes in life, to watching me breaking down because I didn't want to live when I broke up with my ex. 

He has watched me in these times a lot more than my other friends, I see him every week and share it all with him. He has experienced it first hand and has become a safe place for me.

That's the thing when you are suffering, you collect all of the  things or people which make you feel safe. It's their choice if they want to stick around - Ben has, for that reason I am so lucky. 

This is Bens point of view... 

"I don’t actually the remember the first time I met Shannon (she clearly doesn’t mean that much to me). I reckon it was probably in Media class in high school; whilst I was being a teacher’s pet she was probably, well, doing the same. It was only when we became really close that I began to learn about Shannon’s mental health and to tell the truth, the first time I’d learnt about mental health at all. Being a young, impressionable (nerdy) young man, I can’t really recall being aware of a thing called ‘mental health’ because I nor my parents had come into contact with it and even if they had, they wouldn’t have told me.

As my friendship grew and grew with Shannon during and after our education, she became like a sister to me. I now know everything about Shannon; what her habits are, how her mind works and unfortunately, how fucking awful her farts are. This closeness meant Shannon was much more susceptible to opening up to me and in time, I began to understand how such a crippling affliction affected pretty much everyone, including me (and if you think it hasn’t, then well, you’re lying). 

On the eating disorder - 

She was always obsessed with her image and was constantly concerned of what people thought when they looked at her. Personally, I think the plague of social media didn’t help and I’m sure the same goes for many young girls, and boys, of that age. I always did and still do find it frustrating when Shannon asks ‘Do my legs look massive?’ or ‘Do you think I have a big belly?’. No matter how many ‘No darling, you look fine’ one-liners I pumped out, Shannon refused to believe me, or anyone else for that matter. She’s improved a hell of a lot in that sense over the years so bloody well done to her and I hope one day she will be able to see what we all see, a beautiful woman full of life.

Selfishly (or selflessly, depending on how you look it), I have always preferred talking about Shannon’s problems compared to mine because…

1) Shannon’s problems are always real problems that affect her day to day life. My latest girl problem or aggro at work doesn’t even come close to what Shannon has to deal with on a daily basis.

2) If Shannon needs to talk to me, I want her to. I never want her to feel like she can’t open up to me.

On the 'break up' - 

The break up was a bloody awful time for Shannon. The way the whole thing unravelled was heart breaking for me to watch but obviously, a living hell for Shannon. That whole time really affected her and was a big setback on her road to recovery. She thought she had everything she needed and was convinced she was set for life; I thought the same thing for a time too. However, it didn’t work out and it really broke Shannon. I tried to be there as much as I could but the damage was already done and I hope Shannon never ever has to go through anything close to that again. However there is one big positive to take from that utter shit storm. She must take solace from the fact she got through that. She was strong, resilient and dealt with everything she faced like an adult. I can definitely say I am nowhere near strong enough to get through something like that but Shannon did, and that says a lot about her as a person.

How it affects me sometimes -

Sometimes I do feel helpless. I have gone home countless times from spending time with her asking myself ‘How can I help more?’ or ‘How can Shannon fix this?’. I have always been naive enough to believe the answer is in books - hence me buying her some sort of well-being related book EVERY Christmas and birthday (Sorry Shannon). But I think the answer to this is people. Shannon has some fantastic people in her life; a loving family, supportive colleagues, caring friends and praise the lord, an awesome boyfriend. As long as these people continue to talk and support Shannon and she continues to offload her thoughts onto them, she will one day beat this. Talking about stuff is key, NEVER bottle any problem up, no matter how big or small.

To bring this poorly written, grammatically incorrect monologue to a close, I feel incredibly blessed to have Shannon in my life. I take great comfort that whatever problem we face in life, we will share it and tackle it together. I am overwhelmingly proud of Shannon. She plays herself down but deals with so much shit and just keeps on going. I know one day she will beat this, she is way stronger than she thinks. 

(Now she promised she’d pay me for this interview and she ‘claims’ she sent a cheque in the post. Let this post go on record, I HAVE NOT BEEN PAID. I will be suing)." 

Sometimes I forget that there are other people involved in my journey, as much as I care for others sometimes I am so absorbed in everything in my mind that I forget about my friends and family for that split second. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to listen to my family, my friends, their stories. I want to get better for me primarily but for others too, like Ben. Someone who has always put up a fight for me, for that Ben, I thank you.