Look who's back...again

Hello you, it's been a while. It's been too long, you're like an old friend I keep meaning to meet up with but seem to avoid at all costs, my bad.

I would love to say that my absence was for good reason, like I was travelling the world or doing amazing things with my life and ruling the universe. Fact of the matter is, I have just had a fucking funny year and haven't felt like writing at all. Here I am again though, at a time when my mental health has taken a dip and I turn back to writing. I've spent the last few evenings just putting pen to paper and writing, but nothing makes me feel more connected to myself than writing on my blog. That is the way it has always been. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days and realising some things along the way.

In my life I have done so many things, so many good things, some bad things. I have gone through so much and got through all of it with strength I didn't even know I had at the time. In my life I have been in love, and been heartbroken. I have been in lust and broken some hearts. I've experienced pain in physical and mental forms that I never thought I'd have to experience at such young ages. I've seen bad things, I've done bad things. But over the past few days like I said, I have tried to remember all of the good things I can outweigh them with.

I could sit and focus on the bad but from this moment onwards I am going to try not to do that anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on the bad things and not enough time on the good. I seem to forget all of the good things I have achieved.

I forget that I got through some really rubbish illnesses when I was little, those were horrendous times but little me did it. She was so strong! I would love to be more like her again, to have her drive and her strength. I mean, I've hardly grown in size since then I am sure I can get her mentality back somehow.

I always forget that I beat anorexia. WHAT!? What an amazing thing that was to achieve, and I never give myself credit for it. Once upon a time that felt like the impossible but I made it possible with that strength that I always feel I never have, I did have it. I am living proof that I had that strength.

I forget that I lived in London for a year. Before that year I would never even walk into a shop on my own, I would never get a bus on my own, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question. Nothing. But off I went, a new city, all alone. I travelled alone, made new friends and went for long walks all on my own. I was a new woman and I did a great thing there.

I always forget that I've gone on amazing holidays and had experiences all over the world. I've gone from Sweden to Switzerland to Dublin to Austria, Europe has been my oyster and I've loved every moment I have spent on those adventures. Creating stories and memories that I can tell to people for the rest of my life.

I take for granted that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Family, friends, colleagues, they are always there to help me through and to make me laugh and smile when I need it the most. They have helped shape me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so lucky.

For me, it is time to start recognising all of the good things and stop giving so much attention to the bad things. What is the point, really? I have so many good things to remember and my whole life to allow more good things to happen. These bad thoughts are not important, they simply have no importance. They haven't done anything good for me over the years, they will not be things that I look back on and remember. All of the good times and things I have achieved? They are what I need to focus on. My strength to get through, my drive to get better even when it is impossible - these have to be my focus points from now on.

Bad thoughts? What bad thoughts?

Scared of dying but not living.

I'm scared of dying. Petrified actually, this whole thing with my health anxiety is based around the fear of being ill and having to end up in hospital and missing out on all that life has left to show to me. 

But in the mean time, I'm not living. I'm far from it. I am living a nightmare, that's true but living the life I am supposed to be living? Not at all. 

Miserable, in pain and scared. Those are the things that seem to define me on my journey with health anxiety. Where is the happy girl I know I can be? Where does she go when she's so frightened she just wants to sleep until it's all over. 

I went through a period of time where health anxiety didn't rule me, other things did and the sad thing is that sometimes I wish I had those other things again because I don't know what to do with the health anxiety thoughts. 

I fought an eating disorder, with that there were days which were so occupied by my fear of gaining weight and my obsession with taking photos of my body to see which bone was protruding that day where I never thought I would see a 'normal' day again. But I did, I had some normal days until health anxiety decided to return and rule the roost of my mental health. 

Oh, eating disorder, you could've stripped Shannon of life entirely but you failed? Maybe I'll just make her life hell then so she suffers that way. Thank you health anxiety, you're doing a great job of what you set out to do. 

I am sad. I am fed up. I am scared. This mental illness is one that I fear I'll never see the end of and I will be 75 and still scared of dying but the chances are it will be more likely then than it is now. 

I have always wanted to be in a position of helping others with their mental health, this is why I talk about it so openly but the truth is that I'm still so deep in it and I can't even take my own advice. God knows how long this road is, but I just want me back. I want her back so bad. 

What does one do when they are afraid of every strange feeling in their body, do they keep running to the doctors to just be dismissed with the whole "it's just anxiety" line again and again? Or do they just get on with it and if they die they die. Either way, it's a bit fucking shit. I don't know how to win this fight. 

I've done it before, I can do it again, sure. But as I lay here, eyes dry and head spinning from what everyone is telling me is anxiety and a sinus infection but my mind is telling me is a brain tumour, I can't really see a way out. I've had all the help I can, I've seen counsellors, doctors, I have friends and family who devote so much time to me but still NOTHING. 

Am I just so unwilling to get better? How is that possible? Who wants to live a life like this, surely no one. I don't, although people think I do when I am still so stuck in the horrible cycle of anxiety and I don't believe anything anyone says to me. 

Perhaps I'm just incapable of getting better but that's a very negative way of looking at it. (That is what I do best though) 

Writing it down helps me, you know, I like to get my thoughts all out onto this silly little blog that I've used as an outlet for years. I'm just waiting for the day I can write a post where I am no longer suffering and I can really help others.

I'll keep waiting for that day. 

Look Who Relapsed Again...

Me, THAT'S WHO.

Hi everyone, I flunked out on Blogmas and I apologise, I was really enjoying myself but then my brain took over.

So it was Christmas time and what happens to me over Christmas? I freak out. I have no idea why, because I love Christmas so much. It happens most years and that's just the way it goes, that is what I am used to.

Christmas was coming and I had great news, I'd landed myself a new job in a different department at work. 2019 was setting itself up to be the best year! But then sweet, little, innocent anxiety comes in to play some games once the good news settles in. "It's Christmas AND you've got a new job? Time to fuck it all up for you then I suppose"

There it all begins, I start getting pains in my left arm and I am convinced it's a heart attack waiting to happen. Heart palpitations and shortness of breath fill me daily, one 111 call later and that's over. But oh no, the next day is the 23rd December and a new symptom shows it's face, this time it's pains in my right leg. Immediately "I've got a blood clot" I tell everyone, jokingly I will say "I won't even see 2019, I have a blood clot" - funny joke Shannon.

This continued all over Christmas, the Thursday after Christmas I go to the doctors because I cannot deal with the discomfort anymore. The doctor squeezed my leg and said "you can walk on it, you're fine, I'll give you some painkillers" to which I reply "that's all you're going to say?" "yes, I'm giving you painkillers" - THAT'S ME DONE. I was upset, angry, I felt looked over completely. When really he was doing his fucking job and giving me the treatment he thought necessary.

All the while I am constantly reassuring seeking from my mum, dad, boyfriend, via whatsapp with my brother and texting my friend Ben. Anyone I could get the reassurance from I was chasing.

Sunday came and I decided it was time to call 111 again, that number has to be my second most called number under my mum, surely? "get to A&E within the hour, it sounds like maybe it could be a blood clot" this is fantastic, this is fucking fanfuckingtastic. My nightmare has come true, I was right and everyone was wrong. Look at me now anxiety, you were actually right for once!

WRONG.

I got to A&E, I wanted to go alone because my melodramatic head didn't want to ruin anyones day but my mum decided to join the fun party. "hmm, could be DVT (deep vein thrombosis) - we'll send you over to the GP". I could be dying of a blood clot travelling to my lungs and you are sending me to the G FUCKING P? I obliged, of course.

The doctor opened the door and he said "haven't I seen you before, at Pinewood?" and me, the embarrassed, anxious mess who had seen  this dishy doctor plenty of times replied "uhhh yeah like loads of times" he looked at me as if to say 'what this time?' - blood clots bro, blood clots.

He felt my legs, soft, soft, soft. "no sign of a blood clot here" and then went on to talk to me about my anxiety.

Ah, relief settled in for about 78 seconds. Knock, knock, anxiety here! Your leg still hurts so it's still a blood clot, that doctor who trained for years has no idea what he's talking about. We're about to switch the anxiety up by a level.

A couple of days passed, New Years eve happened and the pain was radiating through my leg the entire night. It's all fun when I'm around, trust me! My friends were the victims of my constant reassuring seeking, happy New Year everyone.

Thursday arrived and I needed more, I needed it because I could not cope. I saw a nurse practitioner who I had seen lots of times before, she is good to me. With the same complaints she felt my legs, she measured them too. If I had a blood clot in my tiny, little right leg it would be pretty obvious. My right leg was 1cm bigger than the left, fuck me, ginormous, call an ambulance!

"I think these pains might be due to a vitamin d deficiency" well, I've definitely felt the brunt of the dark Winter nights and mornings this year so this made sense. Although, I'd never heard of leg pains being related to vitamin deficiencies. So off I went for a nice afternoon blood test, just another day in the life of me!

The next day I had a phone call to tell me that my liver function was raised (alarm bells ringing), my iron was slightly low (nothing new) and my vitamin d levels were also low and I needed to go to the chemist to get supplements for the next 6 weeks. The doctor was right, she suspected something and she was right. When has this ever happened, anxiety? But then again, when have YOU ever been right, anxiety?

I go off and I start googling 'vitamin d deficiency symptoms', 'vitamin d leg pains', 'vitamin d anxiety'...the list goes on and all I'm doing is falling down my rabbit hole.

Today, I sit here with electric shock feelings going through my head and arms. What is that? A symptom of anxiety? Absolutely. Something even worse? EVEN MORE LIKELY, OBVIOUSLY - this is anxiety screaming at me.

Anxiety is always screaming at me. It's screaming at me to go to A&E, to go to the doctors, to call 111, to ask that question I've asked a million times already. It doesn't help. Anxiety is there thinking it is protecting me by catching something before it catches me, all the while it is killing me before its eyes. I am not living because anxiety is trying to stop me from dying. I am not dreaming because anxiety doesn't want me to die along the way to reaching my dreams. I am not fighting because anxiety has made me weak. I am not me when anxiety is in control, and in control it is.

Every relapse I have hurts me more than before, it hurts me to watch my family and friends, my lovely boyfriend go through this pain with me. They didn't ask for this, but neither did I. I asked for a happy, care free life. But maybe that was too much to ask of a brain like mine who wants to hold onto fear and try to keep me safe.

You are not keeping me safe. You are punishing me for trying to live. This is not fair. This is not the life we were supposed to be living.

Let me live.

Let me live.

Let me live.

I will get through this relapse, I will. The fight inside me aches to feel okay, it aches for happiness. I will get it, I promise.

I will never, ever give up on this fight. I have too much to fight for.

x

Mental Health Habits...

Hello everyone!

Over the years with my mental health I have racked up a bunch of habits that live with me still whether the certain mental health issue does as well is another story. I thought I'd share some because I think it's totally normal to hold onto some of these habits because your mental illness was a part of you for so long, my mental illnesses as awful as they have been have shaped me as the human I am now.

With my eating disorder I have some habits I have kept and some I have no fucking idea why and some others that stick with me too:

• Savoury food before 12pm makes me wanna eat my HEAD - this one is bizarre and I've had this for longer than my eating disorder has been prominent in my life, which shows that I've had issues with food for much longer than I thought. I cannot physically do it without feeling anxious and weird, I hate it. My boyfriend is always saying how good cheese is before 12pm and I'm like enjoy it pal, I'll have it after lunch THANKS. Even bacon rolls in the morning make me ~uncomfortable~ and it's very annoying.

• I can't eat from buffets at work and hate the smell - The smell of a buffet honestly makes me angry and uncomfortable, so weird. So when people at work bring in food for everyone on a special occasion I wish I was not there, I never go and eat anything although sometimes I do want to try one of those sexy looking cupcakes. BUT I CAN'T. I can't fucking do it, no matter how much I want to I just cannot bring myself to do it. People question me and I haven't really got an answer, I just can't. Something is still stopping me.  

• I hate eating food from coffee shops and sandwiches from supermarkets - Again, another I have no idea why but ever since my eating disorder took over I still cannot do this without feeling strange. If I manage to do it I feel like I've accomplished something massive. This is a habit which makes my family and friends think I'm still controlled by my eating disorder, honestly in that moment perhaps I am.   

• Touching wood - So when my OCD was extremely bad I was touching wood constantly all day. I was walking along the streets and purposely going over to trees to touch them and saying "touch wood, I'm okay" - it was fucking consuming. Thankfully I am not like that anymore.  However, on the odd occasion I will still do it if I am feeling anxious about something or I feel something bad is happening I stick to that little habit to keep me going in that moment. ~weird~  

•  REASSURANCE SEEKING - the big fucking daddy of my mental health habits, without reassurance seeking I don't know how I would get through anything. But note to self and everyone else, IT DOES NOT WORK. It is a short term fix for a long term problem, it does not help so is essentially the most pointless habit of all. I am always in a rut of reassurance seeking and it annoys me so much. I've tried over the years to break the habit and to just help myself instead, but it's the hardest one of all. 

Basically, the message here is that if you manage to break one of your habits then pat yourself on the back because they are hard to get out of. Trust me, I know! Give yourself the credit you deserve if you do break a habit. I always do if I manage to eat in a coffee shop or if I don't ask for reassurance that one time.

Be proud of your progress, big or small!

New Things...

Hello everyone! 

Long time no blog post...

I've had a funny few months, ups and downs, the usual in the land of Shannon. But if you were not aware I have created a brand new YouTube channel! Exciting stuff. 

I launched it a couple of weeks ago to talk all things Mental Health. From my journey to yours, the ins and outs, things you may not have known and things you know all too well. I wanted to bring the topic of mental health into the lives of people around me. I am surrounded by people who are very open to mental health, luckily! However, so many others are not and I am all for speaking up and talking about the issue. 

My first video was an introduction into the channel, what will be coming and what I have been through (in short) you can watch that below: 

My second video which went up last week was all about health anxiety which I have written about many a time on my blog: 

I am so so so so so excited for this new little path and it is something I have wanted to do FOREVER and it's taken a lot of guts to finally do it.

The Channel is 'Shannon Talks' and talking is what Shannon shall do!

While I'm here on the topic of new things, the most beautiful brand Old English Company have a new  Enamel Pin Collection here! So many cute little pins for all your pin needs...I particularly like to have a little pin on my pinafores - just adds a cute touch! 

To go with the new pins they are having a competition over on their website here to win a set of sweet pins - the winner is picked on the 30th May! 

I'm going to go and get myself some new pins to flaunt in my new youtube videos so I can be all cute and pin-ny... 

Until next time sweets x 

Mental Health: A Best Friends Point Of View

Hey everyone,

Welcome to part one of three...I am starting a new little 'series' where I will get 3 of the most important people in my life and my mental health journey to just talk a little about how it has affected them.

First of all, my best friend Ben

Ben has been my best friend for many years. We met at school, I used to go into one of the blocks and watch him play ping pong and then he would come over and make me laugh until I wanted to pee (he still does) 

We have a very special friendship, I love him like a brother. I laugh, cry, smile and share all of my memories with him. He is family.

I would not have been able to get through so many things in my journey without him there to catch me on the bad days. He's been there through the highs and the lows, the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression and the break ups. He was always there. He's been there from celebrating successes in life, to watching me breaking down because I didn't want to live when I broke up with my ex. 

He has watched me in these times a lot more than my other friends, I see him every week and share it all with him. He has experienced it first hand and has become a safe place for me.

That's the thing when you are suffering, you collect all of the  things or people which make you feel safe. It's their choice if they want to stick around - Ben has, for that reason I am so lucky. 

This is Bens point of view... 

"I don’t actually the remember the first time I met Shannon (she clearly doesn’t mean that much to me). I reckon it was probably in Media class in high school; whilst I was being a teacher’s pet she was probably, well, doing the same. It was only when we became really close that I began to learn about Shannon’s mental health and to tell the truth, the first time I’d learnt about mental health at all. Being a young, impressionable (nerdy) young man, I can’t really recall being aware of a thing called ‘mental health’ because I nor my parents had come into contact with it and even if they had, they wouldn’t have told me.

As my friendship grew and grew with Shannon during and after our education, she became like a sister to me. I now know everything about Shannon; what her habits are, how her mind works and unfortunately, how fucking awful her farts are. This closeness meant Shannon was much more susceptible to opening up to me and in time, I began to understand how such a crippling affliction affected pretty much everyone, including me (and if you think it hasn’t, then well, you’re lying). 

On the eating disorder - 

She was always obsessed with her image and was constantly concerned of what people thought when they looked at her. Personally, I think the plague of social media didn’t help and I’m sure the same goes for many young girls, and boys, of that age. I always did and still do find it frustrating when Shannon asks ‘Do my legs look massive?’ or ‘Do you think I have a big belly?’. No matter how many ‘No darling, you look fine’ one-liners I pumped out, Shannon refused to believe me, or anyone else for that matter. She’s improved a hell of a lot in that sense over the years so bloody well done to her and I hope one day she will be able to see what we all see, a beautiful woman full of life.

Selfishly (or selflessly, depending on how you look it), I have always preferred talking about Shannon’s problems compared to mine because…

1) Shannon’s problems are always real problems that affect her day to day life. My latest girl problem or aggro at work doesn’t even come close to what Shannon has to deal with on a daily basis.

2) If Shannon needs to talk to me, I want her to. I never want her to feel like she can’t open up to me.

On the 'break up' - 

The break up was a bloody awful time for Shannon. The way the whole thing unravelled was heart breaking for me to watch but obviously, a living hell for Shannon. That whole time really affected her and was a big setback on her road to recovery. She thought she had everything she needed and was convinced she was set for life; I thought the same thing for a time too. However, it didn’t work out and it really broke Shannon. I tried to be there as much as I could but the damage was already done and I hope Shannon never ever has to go through anything close to that again. However there is one big positive to take from that utter shit storm. She must take solace from the fact she got through that. She was strong, resilient and dealt with everything she faced like an adult. I can definitely say I am nowhere near strong enough to get through something like that but Shannon did, and that says a lot about her as a person.

How it affects me sometimes -

Sometimes I do feel helpless. I have gone home countless times from spending time with her asking myself ‘How can I help more?’ or ‘How can Shannon fix this?’. I have always been naive enough to believe the answer is in books - hence me buying her some sort of well-being related book EVERY Christmas and birthday (Sorry Shannon). But I think the answer to this is people. Shannon has some fantastic people in her life; a loving family, supportive colleagues, caring friends and praise the lord, an awesome boyfriend. As long as these people continue to talk and support Shannon and she continues to offload her thoughts onto them, she will one day beat this. Talking about stuff is key, NEVER bottle any problem up, no matter how big or small.

To bring this poorly written, grammatically incorrect monologue to a close, I feel incredibly blessed to have Shannon in my life. I take great comfort that whatever problem we face in life, we will share it and tackle it together. I am overwhelmingly proud of Shannon. She plays herself down but deals with so much shit and just keeps on going. I know one day she will beat this, she is way stronger than she thinks. 

(Now she promised she’d pay me for this interview and she ‘claims’ she sent a cheque in the post. Let this post go on record, I HAVE NOT BEEN PAID. I will be suing)." 

Sometimes I forget that there are other people involved in my journey, as much as I care for others sometimes I am so absorbed in everything in my mind that I forget about my friends and family for that split second. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to listen to my family, my friends, their stories. I want to get better for me primarily but for others too, like Ben. Someone who has always put up a fight for me, for that Ben, I thank you. 

Take Your Own Advice...

Hey everyone,

As you well know I enjoy doing a blog post when times are very tough - it helps me. Right now I'm having a fucking tough day.

Heres the thing I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk, I can do blog posts upon blog posts talking about how to try and get through bad spells of mental health but here I am, still struggling daily.

Some days are better, some really are not and today is one of those days. I'll be honest I have spent the day panicking, internally and externally. I have wound my mum up all day and annoyed myself. I even tried to meditate to take my mind off of the thought of calling the doctors.

My heart keeps beating out of my chest and every time I try to nap my mind becomes alive, like electric and that's it, I panic all over again.

My vision feels wrong and my health anxiety is through the roof because of this.

Fact is, I increased my medication last week and it means I'm super sleepy and duh...when you're tired your vision takes the brunt of it, right? RIGHT. Listen rational Shannon, listen.

What I'm trying to say is that even though I'm trying so hard to help, to write about mental health and preach and preach and preach, that doesn't mean I'm any where near getting better. My journey is constant, I feel like I'm just on a long fucking road and one day I'll reach my destination (happiness, health and wellness) but right now I keep having to stop off at a service station to have a pee in a stinky toilet, get some junk food and have a long old stretch...then I'll get back on the road again.

I should take my own advice, we all should. We are probably all sweet as fuck advice givers but when it comes to our own problems we go blank. What is rationality? I don't fucking know, ask someone who knows what in the dick is going on in the world.

Here is the thing, let's say I had a friend who had health anxiety and they said to me "Shannon, I am really scared all of the time that I have a brain tumour, I feel so tense and awful and anxious...I have headaches, a tense back, my concentration is off, I don't feel good" - I would say "go to the doctors, you need to address your anxiety with them, that's the problem" 

Wow, good advice Shannon, where are YOU when I need you?!

We need to reach out for our rational side, they are in there and they care for you more than anything. The bad side wants to bring you down and ruin any good thing you have going for you. Fuck that, fuck that shit.

Keep fighting, be rational, take your own advice...I sure am going to learn to!

My 2018 Goals

Hey everyone, firstly I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I have a good feeling about this one...especially after the shit show of 2017. What the fuck was that, universe?!

I've got a few things I'd like to do and achieve this year and I am confident and motivated to do them! Here we go 2018...

Start Yoga

I've wanted to start yoga for a long time now but have either not had the motivation or confidence to do it. I feel like it's going to improve my mental health so much and make me feel so well in general. My best friend Ben gave me such a lovely Christmas present with Yoga Dice so once I start in a class I can then do it at home. It's going to be a big step, to either go alone or with a friend. I'm excited!

Write more

Whether that is on my blog or in a journal, I just want to write. I love writing, it really helps me and is therapeutic. Hence why I tend to always write a long blog post whenever I am really struggling. I've attempted journals for years, I have tonnes of books but this year I am going to write as much as I can, when I can!

Start a Youtube channel

This is something I've wanted to do since I was younger, I attempted it once when I done a vlog about the One Direction premiere and it was fucking tragic. I want to start doing videos talking about mental health, getting it out on a different platform and in a different way. I think it will be helpful for me and for other people too, what do you think?

Stay tidy! 

A tidy room equals a tidy mind if you ask me! My room needs decorating, it hasn't felt quite like home since I moved back into it earlier in the year after leaving the house I was renting with my ex boyfriend. It needs some TLC and I need to look after it more, it's my home after all and where I spend a lot of my time. I want to do it all up, make it tidy and nice and I think my mind will feel fresh because of it!

Say yes to plans 

In 2017 I became nervous whenever plans came about, there was a handful of people I was okay with seeing and that was it. I want to go and see my friends India and Damian more and hang out in their lovely home, I want to see Dans friends more without feeling unnecessarily nervous (anxiety, please suck my dick) and I just want to say yes more! I want to text friends I haven't seen in a while and go for a drink without thinking it's a burden on my day, I just want to enjoy myself again and I am going to. 2018 is the year I become a more confident person.

BE HAPPY

This is my ultimate goal this year and forever on wards. I want to break through my anxiety, depression and whatever the fuck else is going on in my silly head and be the happiest version of me. I have so much going for me, I have the potential to move to a better job, I have amazing friends and family, a lovely boyfriend and inside I have the drive to move forward. I will be happy this year, last year I spent most of the time being sad and worried, not this year, no thank you.

I am excited for what this year has to offer, let's go 2018, let's make it a good one!

x

Light Bulb Moments

Throughout your mental health journey there will be times when you really think you've made a huge breakthrough. Something will ping in your head and you'll wonder why you are staying within the grips of your mental illness. You will listen to a story, realise the pain you're putting yourself through or see your mum break down time and time again and you will have little breakthroughs.

Unfortunately they don't always last long and that's okay. Little breakthroughs are good, well done! But if you go backwards after a couple of days, that's okay too...the journey was never made to be an easy one.

I find that little breakthroughs show that I'm getting there, like I'm just shooting off the path for a minute and it feels great. It feels like I can progress when before I felt stuck in the horrible little rut of anxiety.

Throughout my journey this year I've had many little moments where I  thought "this is it, no turning back now!" - we even put little signs all around the house which said "today I change!" with the date 30th August 2017. I didn't change that day, I tried to for about 2 days and I went back again. I did that time and time again.

It's hard, it's disappointing and disheartening when you think you've done it this time and escaped the clutches of your mental illness, but it's okay! Because the breakthrough moment comes when you least expect it really.

I was talking to my mum about a time when I was very ill when I was younger. A time which I think is the source of my health anxiety. I've never really spoken about this on my blog, and I only ever mention it to people if the scar in my face hurts. I don't know why, but it was a very hard time for me and it will live with me forever. I think I'll save that story for another day.

Anyway, we spoke about it and my mum described how it was such a scary time for us all. She said how I remained brave the whole time though, something I always forget.

I was a young child, I can't even remember how old I was because I've kind of blocked it out of my memory. I think I was 8 and it had been going on for many years before that.

I went into hospital for my final operation, which turned into three operations in one week. My mum said it was horrible, watching me go off and having to sign papers to say I might end up paralysed on one side of my face. Mum said I was strong through it all though, I just wanted to get it done with so I could move on.

The way my mum described this strong, little girl was amazing. I had forget she existed. I really forgot that this little girl was me.

I have put the thought in my head that I was protecting this little girl in my head, but really she was so much stronger than I've ever given her credit for. She was not scared of dying, she just wanted to get out. She wanted to walk to the shops even though her face was the size of a football. She just wanted to get better and live her life.

This was my breakthrough moment. This was finally my lightbulb moment. My mum told me things I never knew and never realised and I can't thank her enough for opening my eyes.

I now need to live off of the strength that little me once had, she was amazing and she got through so much.

That girl was me. That girl IS ME. 

I am using that strength to get through the pain my mind is putting me through, I'm excited to move on and get through this all for the final time. The future is calling me and I am finally going to reach it.

Acceptance of your Mental Health

As I grow I am really learning to accept my anxiety for what it is.

I guess I would see it as a friend, a weird fucking friend who wants to destroy your life but you can't let them go because they've been your friend for so long. So long that you don't know what you would do without them, because they seem to act like they know what they're doing, they've seen life in a different way and they want to keep you safe.

This is bullshit, they don't want to do any of those things for you. They are like a jealous friend who sees that you have a really great life and they don't have that so they want to destroy it for you so no one can be happy.

You seem to open your eyes and realise they are no friend of yours at all, they are evil and want to take all of the goodness out of you. What kind of friend does that?

I think looking at it that way really helps, you have to realise what anxiety is and what it is trying to do before you can accept it and move on.

So if you had a friend who was just nasty, you would eventually remove them from your life right? That's what you need to do here. Remove the toxic things from your life.

It is all about acceptance.

Have a chat with your anxiety, sit it down, tell it you've had enough...even tell it that it's a bitch and you can do better without them!

I realise that me telling you to sit down with you anxiety sounds nuts but...we're all nuts here, in a good way. I'm telling you all to do this, but really I need to be doing this myself.

I find comfort in writing these posts, they really help. If there is one thing I recommend in the recovery of any mental illness it is to write! Create a blog, get a cute little notebook, just write and write and write your feelings away. Get them out of your brain and see it all in front of you, it really helps.

Anyway, back to getting rid of your awful friend. As I said, accept it for what it is and one day you will learn to forgive them.

Accept and forgive, forgiveness gives you a sense of hope that things can move on I feel. If someone hurts you, you grow as a person and one day forgive them and it makes you feel good that you know you have moved on.

But first, accept it! Whatever it may be and learn to move on from it. It will be hard, you will sometimes feel like you need it so bad because you don't know what to do without it but you are your own person, not your mental illnesses.

Don't be tied down...there's plenty more friends out there to make!

Ways To Distract and Be Kind To Yourself...

Hello everyone!

So over the months I have been using distraction as a way to erm...distract myself...I fucking rule at writing. ANYWAY, when things are a bit shit I have to distract myself, thats the way to get out of the vicious circle that is anxiety. When I was in my darkest moments even distraction would not work and I still have those days now I'll be honest! But when I can distract myself it is good and it is fun. It is all about self love, looking after number one and treating number one to the goodness that the world has to offer.

I've just made a list of a few things to do when you need to distract or just simply be kind to yourself.

Have A Nice Bath

I am a Lush lover, perhaps even a Lush addict. So when I really want to wind down I will pick up a nice bubble bar or bath bomb and just chill the fuck out. I will put on Ru Pauls Drag Race on Netflix - and hope I don't splash water all over my laptop and destroy it - and I will just relax for a little while. Its a worry free zone and I love it. You can just have a nice bubble bath for half an hour and just relax, zone out and be with you for a minute.

Write About Your Day

I find this extremely helpful when I do it, or just writing in general! I've touched on this before where it is really helpful to write down 3 good things which happened that day and the more you do it the more helpful it becomes. It is all about reflection, if you have had a bad day that's okay, write about it and move on from it. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hydrate Yourself

I'm a bugger for not hydrating myself but I know it is the absolute key to getting on well with any day. If you are not hydrated then the day is tougher, simple as. This is one I'm going to work a lot harder on to do because I think it is going to make a huge difference in the act of being kinder to myself and also for my health in general. I recently got sent a Eau Good Duo by Black+Blum which looks awesome. It has a charcoal stick which acts as the water filter, which absorbs nasty tastes so you can drink that manky sink water all day long, NICE. I'm super excited to try it out and have it as part of my plan to be kinder to myself. They have a campaign here to get the product on the market so I really do recommend looking it up!

Go For A Walk 

Just push yourself to get out of the house, listen to some music and just take in the places around you. It's a great distraction and also just lovely to get out and give yourself some air. Go to a nice park or field, theres always dogs you can just go and squish (which is always the biggest bonus of all) - I'm planning on going on lots of walks this Winter with my dogs. We have a new puppy, I forgot to mention, his name is Teddy and he is just the sweetest.

Watch A New TV Series 

That is always a fun one and a great way to distract yourself on the tough days. My go to series all the time are Friends, How I Met Your Mother and Peep Show. However, every week I look forward to an hour of just chilling out with Dan watching Riverdale. It is nice to just have something there to look forward to, there is loads to choose from and all nice, chill ways to distract your mind! 

Try On New Outfits 

This is something I did A LOT when I was at university, every week I would walk to Topshop on Oxford Street and just try on loads of clothes and I loved it. It was something I really looked forward to doing and it was just a nice thing to do for an hour or so, trying on things I normally wouldn't and just having a nice time by myself without thinking about anything else. Just pop into your local town and have a look around and just have fun! 

Distraction really is key and I am learning this day by day, later today I'm going to mong out and play Sims because that is my favourite distraction ~if I'm honest~ and I can't wait! 

What do you do to distract yourself and what do you do when you need a bit of self love? Let me know! 

x x x 

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

World Mental Health Day 2017

Hey everyone,

The time of year has come again where we all seem to recognise mental health, and that's great. It should be recognised and fought for every single day but if one day makes more people stand up and talk and stand up and realise what is happening then again, that is great.

Over the last few months I have written quite a few of blog posts talking about how I'm getting on and my on going struggles with my own mind. With this I have had quite a few people come and speak to me about their own troubles and that is AMAZING. It's fucking terrible that they are struggling but thank God they are opening up, even if it is just to someone they don't know too well. I want people to feel like they can speak to me, I am just one person struggling, there are millions feeling the exact same way. This is something we all need to remember.

Today is a day for recognising our own battles, knowing we are fighting and we are going to win. Sometimes people don't make it through the fight and bless their souls for even trying, it's fucking hard, it's a real fucking hard fight.

I recognise my battle now, I see what I'm doing and I am getting better I need to remember this. A few months ago I was at crisis point, I wanted to be taken away and locked up and not let out until I was better but here I am sat at my kitchen table on my own and not being consumed by my thoughts entirely, I feel like I am breathing again. Slowly, but I am.

I am overcoming aspects of my battle one by one. I am really, really getting through my eating disorder. I am eating whatever I want to really and I am gaining weight. Sometimes I hate it and I hate looking at my body, the next minute I'm like 'WOW you have curves and those tits are the size of a house' (I literally love my boobs) - I always wanted to be little Shannon however I need to realise that I cannot always be little Shannon. One day I will have to be a mum and a wife and I cannot be those things when I was in that state. I'm getting better, I'm getting back the me I lost, I am getting her back.

Knowing I can get through that aspect is driving me to get through this little chapter too. I am seeing this as a little bump in my journey, one that will make me a lot stronger and one day I hope to help others.

I am rationalising things more, I am getting my energy and motivation back, I am learning to see reality again. I am getting there.

I hope anyone on their own journeys will continue their fight, you are so strong, you are doing so well to get up every day and face the day, I know it's hard but you do it. You should be proud of everything you do, one small step at a time. If you have set backs that is okay, a little set back does not take away all of the progress you have made. You are amazing and you deserve the world, continue on your journey and go through the door which is calling you. Behind that door is fun, love, family, friends and no demons trying to drag you down. Treat yourself with goods things, be kind to yourself, the journey comes to an end and we all need to know the end is just the start of an even better journey.

x x x

A Letter To Me...From Me (The Good Side)

To Shannon,

You're struggling and that's okay. You've gone up and down your entire life, this is just a bad time and it will get better I know it will.

I wanted to talk to you in a way so you can read this whenever you are struggling and whenever the bad side takes over. I love you and I care for you, more than you know and realise. There is a little bit in there that wants to look after you, not hurt you and that's me.

You listen so strongly to the bad side that it controls you completely, I'm trying my best to fight for you but you're letting the bad side in too strong...I think we should come up with a name for the bad side, who do you really hate? (we all know who that is, but we can't do that........) We need something short for healthy anxiety...FUCK IT, we'll just call it a cunt? No no, that's not PG enough. We'll just shorten it to HA, that's easy.

When HA comes in you change, you panic, you go in on yourself and you're scared. Everyone around you struggles to cope with it too because they've been doing it for too long. So have you. It's time to let go, let it fucking go, I'm in here! I want to have fun with you!

You think the world is against you, it's not. You have an amazing life. You have a supportive family, amazing friends and the spiciest boyfriend you could've ever laid eyes on. Shannon, he's so fit have you seen him? You have a comfortable job, a nice house, a gorgeous nephew and 2 dogs. Some people don't even have one dog, you have TWO.

You see doctors all the time, you have counsellors, an eating nurse who would pick you up and cuddle you all day if she could to take away the demons. Not all of these people are against you Shannon, they are here to help you. I am too, just let me in.

Picture it this way: Imagine in the future you have a little boy or a little girl. They have anxiety, every time they cry and are scared you take them to the doctors and they get checked over and are told "everything is okay, it's just your anxiety" - they don't believe the doctor, they don't believe you either. But you still fight and fight and fight to keep them safe and happy because you're a mum, you know your child better than they know themselves and you know they're okay. That's exactly what your mum is doing, she's fighting for you because she knows you have an amazing life to live and HA is holding you back. Your mum will never lie to you, just like you would never lie to your child.

Your mum has called you beautiful every day of your life because she made you, she's not lying, she loves you and if she ever thought something was wrong she would be the first person to rush you to get help. Just like she has with the thing that is wrong: YOUR ANXIETY.

Just like Dan says all the time, fight the thing that is really wrong not the things that HA is making up for you to fight. You need that every to fight the problem, not the things that don't exist.

Come on, I am here, I am waiting to enjoy life again. Let me in and let me go out and enjoy life again. HA just wants to destroy you, it's doing a good job. But Shannon, it's fucking time to get rid of the cunt and kick it's arse. Don't let HA destroy you, DESTROY YOUR ANXIETY.

Read this every time you struggle, read this every single time. Do not wallow, no more wallowing. No more. Every single time you get scared, scream out loud FUCK OFF. Tell HA to fuck off, there's about to be a downsize in the house bro, theres no room in the inn.

I am here, I love you. I love you so much. I love how much fun you can have, I love how stupidly funny and weird you are, let that shine again. I am here to have fun and we have so many opportunities to do that.

It's time to fight like you've never fought before, I'll be here the whole way.

Love from, Shannon xoxox

"Love" with Anxiety.

Hellooooo everyone another mental health post, oh me. 

I'm surrounded by love and support there's absolutely no denying that. I have more friends than I could ever dream of, I've always been lucky to find friends in different places. I have my life long friends, my work friends, my friends from uni, my online friends that I've met through bands and my international friends (Erin, that's you). I have so much love to shower me in.

I have a big loving family and a bloody lovely boyfriend. I love to love.

The hardest thing with suffering from anxiety and depression is to know that you're upsetting those who love you so much and those you love so much too. It's hard. It's hard to try to listen to them and take that as what is real and not the demons in your head, they love you after all they want to keep you safe - the things in your head want to make you feel unsafe for as long as possible. Logically, who should be listened to? 

The past 7 months I've been lucky to meet an amazing boy. I've touched on him before and how he came into my life at a point I wasn't expecting to love again. At that time I felt so unloved, so hurt and so alone, I didn't think I would experience love and care from someone again, especially so soon.

He saved me and that's putting it bluntly and he's trying his best to save me again. I didn't grieve properly at the time for my loss of a relationship and my grandad, I've put all of this 'mental breakdown' down to my lack of grief and it's presented itself in a fucking shitty way. But we all grieve differently! 

Now, it's so hard to fall in love when you're fighting your own head. You end up fighting the person who loves you for trying their best to help. He will spend hours on end reassuring me I'm okay when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves watching a film or going for a walk, you know the usual. He will try so hard and he will get angry and upset that I'm not changing. That's so hard but I never resent him for it, he's fighting for me too. 

I want to change for him, I see a future with him I've never seen with anyone else. A REAL future. He's mature, he has his head screwed on. He does things no one has ever done for me before.

He sat me down one evening and gave me a pen and some paper and said "write down your 5 year plan, what do you want in the next 5 years?" - I wrote the usual; in 1 year I want to feel happy and be driving. In 2 years I want to be engaged and be moving into my own home, in 3/4 I want to get married and in 5 I want to have a baby. He looked at the timeline and said "so shannon, where does all this bad stuff fit in? I never said don't write any negative things down. The brain tumours you're scared of don't fit in this timeline do they?" MIND BLOWN. He's amazing. 

He'd thought of that all just to help me see the reality of my anxieties. What fucking gift from the Gods does that?! HE DOES.

It's a tough journey but he's sticking by me, he hasn't given up through all of the tears and panics, he's trying to make me stronger and I can't thank him enough. 

To be in love is amazing, to be in love with someone who wants to help you become a better person, that's just indescribable.

I love you Dan.

All The Good Things

Hey sweets,

In times of poor mental health it is always easy to forget the good things you are surrounded with. It is also always easy for people to say to you "you have everything going for you, why are you letting this beat you?" - for starters, it's not a choice. To be depressed, riddled with anxiety etc is not a choice. It is a chemical imbalance, just a little error in the make up of our brains, going off track on the road you were following. But never a choice. 

I have been at the receiving end of comments like these, I know I am a very lucky girl. I know I have so many good things in my life but that does not stop anxiety being the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. It does not stop these thoughts when I am out and about having fun, they are always there.

However, it IS helpful to remind yourself of the things you do have to ground yourself. If you keep reminding yourself, keep thinking of the good parts of the day instead of the negative then eventually they will become the first thing you think about and the last thing you think about. 

I wanted to do a post about all the lovely things in my life. I'm having a bad day after making a slight bit of progress, my health anxiety is trying to knock me down, I'm having bad dreams and I'm exhausted but I'm going to take some time to just reflect and remember what I am fighting for. 

First of all...

My Family - 

My God am I lucky to have been blessed with this family of mine. My mum is my rock, she always has been and always will be. She is my world and my best friend and I am very lucky to have her constant support even when it all gets a bit tough. She has a lot to deal with but always puts me first, I could never pay her back for the love she has given me over the years. The only way I could pay her back is to recover, that's the biggest way I could pay her back for everything she has done for me. For her to have her girl back. 

My dad, one of my bestest friends on this Earth. He only wants to see me happy, he might have a more abrupt way of putting it than my mum but that is just him. That is who he is and who I love. He works hard to still support me when I need it even though I'm 22 and I've moved out and back 2 times already (fuck) but he doesn't stop and won't stop until the job is done. 

I am an Auntie to a beautiful little boy who brightens up every room he enters. He has changed all of our lives since he was born and I want to watch him grow, I want him to watch me grow too. I want to be able to take him out and be the cool Auntie every little kid deserves to have, right? He is a pleasure to watch grow and change. He is something to be very proud of and I really am grateful for his existence, he is a huge reason to keep going everyday.

My Friends -

I have always been lucky enough to be able to be surrounded by lots and lots of friends in so many areas of my life. I have my group of friends who have been there since high school, the 8 of us have a bond that will never go away. I am so lucky to have such laughs and support always. Especially from my best friend Ben, he is something else and he has been there through so many hard times.

I have friends from home, work, around the country and around the world and I feel so lucky to have been able to build ever lasting friendships with so many amazing people. I want to fight for more memories to be made. 

My Boyfriend - 

I met this boy earlier in the year in a time when I wasn't expecting to fall so madly in love. He saved me. Thats all I can describe that situation as, he picked me up in a time when the only way was down and I am forever grateful. He has been there through so much already and I love him for it. I see a life with him that will go on for a long time, I must fight for that future that I crave so badly with him. He's special and I've been given a little gift to have been able to fall so in love with him.

Then there's other things I'm so grateful for, my little puppies! Oh my god, I love my dogs. My counsellor once said "no matter how you see yourself your dogs will always love you, they don't care what you look like, what you do, how you feel, they will always love you" - there's no nicer feeling than being woken up by my little Sid, just this little creature wants to love me 24 hours a day and I love it.

I have access to help, I'm grateful for that. Without the help of the systems we have in place I would not be on the road to recovery. I know they are not great, they're not and even the NHS would admit that but once you find the right team you will get there.

I have a roof over my head, access to food, clothes, luxuries, I am grateful for all of these things.

I am able to go out and drink with my friends, socialise and have a laugh. Those are the times I look forward to the most, the nights where crazy memories are made. Photographs that I can surround myself with to look at when I need it, to remember what I'm fighting for. I have so many memories I wish to make.

I am a lucky girl. I have a lot to fight for and I will do everything I can to get there.

One thing I sometimes do when times are tough is I write 3 good things that happened in the day, even if the day fucking sucked, I will still try to source just 3 good things. Little or small "I saw some flowers" "I had a sick bath" "I had a good nap" - ANYTHING.

I first done that at university when my lovely friend Sanna gave me a notepad and we did it every night together because she wanted to help me get better (I love you, Sanna). This is a good way to reinforce positivity into a day and to keep it going for days on end.

Give it a try, it might make a nice change to the end of the day!

x 

Thank You.

Hey everyone,

Firstly, if you read my last post then thank you. If you opened up your own mind and looked deeper into your own mental health, again, thank you. Thank you for being a strong person, you're doing a great job.

I had a few people speak to me about it and how it's so important to speak up and it so is. I cannot stress it enough how important it is to speak up about mental illness and discuss it, make it a discussion, make your health known!

I always find a great comfort in writing a blog post when I'm struggling. I should have probably done that at the start of this little blip, but hindsight is a powerful thing really.

Lets be honest, I did not have the motivation to do anything let alone write about how I was feeling. I guess that just goes to show that I am making progress in this whole recovery thing and the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.

Throughout this whole time I've had a lot of different experiences, ones I've never really had before in visual ways. Some in the way of not quite seeing anything...my vision was not blurred but again bringing up the whole 'tunnel' thing, I pretty much had tunnel vision. Like I was holding binoculars up to my eyes but without the actual binoculars being there, just my hands, that was my vision. It was very closed, I couldn't see anything past what was happening there and then. The only thing I saw was panic, physical panic. I sometimes felt like I wasn't present in my body, almost like a fly on the wall in some situations. This was a feeling that scared me the most, I've never felt disconnected from my body in this way and its a feeling I wasn't aware of which left me very confused.

I was just shut off from everything, the only thing going on was my panic, my panic about my health and panic about anything bad happening to me. I could not see anything else. I could not see my families pain, my boyfriend getting upset or anything. I was very consumed with my own physical and mental feelings but I also felt nothing. That is a very weird way to describe it but that is the only way I can describe it.

Like I wrote in my previous post it was like I was floating. It felt like my brain had detached itself from my body and was above my head and I was just floating, floating around - again, not in a good way. In a terrifying way that sent me into a distressing panic every single time.

I can now recognise this as a huge sign of depression. Who knew? Not me.

I've gone through depression a lot in my life, it's come and gone, been bad, been bearable, but nothing quite like this. Nothing which has scared me so much.

It has taken me until now to be able to fully describe what that felt like and I feel like a weight has been lifted to be able to explain the feeling. It is still there, not as strong but still lingering I'm just managing to work through those feelings better than I was over the past few weeks. That is a huge success in my eyes, I'm getting there.

Another thing I've felt through this time is being able to actually see the 'end of the tunnel' - the end of my mental health journey, the other side of it all, the happy and healthy side.

I've never physically seen it before but I can get the picture up in my head. It's almost like a dream, like a daydream. Where I can reach it but I can't quite touch it. It's distressing and frustrating and can push you further into an anxious state because the good things are a touch away but there are little things just throwing you off track.

There are roads that your mind begins to follow in spells of mental illness. The roads veer off here and there, but there's one straight road to full recovery, thats the one I was going down and was in my reach in the image in my head but it was like the road was scrolling off of a page and I was running in the same spot the whole time. The same frustrating, upsetting, infuriating spot.

It is a very scary place to be in and I guess we need to just remember that one day the road will stop scrolling off the page and we will reach the end of it, we will get to that feeling of happiness and being content. Content with the lives we have, the way it is going and the things we are surrounded with.

The belief is probably the strongest thing which will get you through times like these, the belief and faith in your own strength. I know that is hard, believe me, it's fucking hard to even have a slight ounce of faith in your own strength when you just want to run away and fall off that scrolling road. But you will get there, you will.

Again, I really do find comfort in these posts when I'm having bad times and writing how I'm feeling down like this makes me realise and kind of releases the feelings away from me. I hope reading this would help anyone else too, that's all I'd like to do and gain from this - the knowledge that I would help someone else become in touch with their thoughts and feelings about their own mental health. You're never alone on a journey through your mental health, after all it is a journey and it's a much better ride with other people there to help guide you.

Keep on fighting x

Just A Smidge of Mental Health...

Now anyone who knows me, follows me on any social media or has ever read my blog knows I am more than open about my mental health. My mental health really is what defines me, as sad as that is, that is what rules my life whether I like it or not. It has done for years, too many years and too many times I have attempted recovery, thought I had got through it and then gone back 3584354 steps. Too many times I have cried and cried and cried because I never feel like it will end. Too many times I have reached out for help, received it but my brain doesn't process it properly. TOO. MANY. TIMES. 

I'm currently going through my worst ever spell of mental health. I have gone to absolute rock bottom to the point of wanting to be taken away, too scared to leave my counsellors room because the fear of real life was too much. 

I really hit rock bottom, I thought I had done before throughout it all. I thought I reached rock bottom when I reached my lowest weight in my eating disorder, I thought I reached it when self harming was something I turned to (trigger warning, I'm sorry) I thought I had reached it time and time again. But I hadn't, this was rock bottom. This time right now was rock bottom.

Feeling disconnected from the entire world, just floating about it felt like but not in a good way. Not in the floaty way you feel when you've had a few shots and a few glasses of wine, floaty in a way that I was scared to leave the house, scared to go to work and scared to just face life. I have been in a very, very dark place. 

My health anxiety has reached ultimate heights or should I say ultimate lows. I have had multiple doctors trips "I'm scared my hearts going to stop" "do I have a brain tumour?" "do I have ovarian cancer?" - no Shannon, you've got a case of the old 'anxiety' and 'depression' dear. 

Simple as that. A doctor even visited my house and all of the things I told her she explained were typical signs of major depression. 

It's not a surprise, I went through a lot earlier in the year. I lost my granddad and a relationship and a home within the space of 2 weeks. But then I met an amazing boy shortly after who saved me from that awful time, it's just all caught up to me at the wrong time. 

I feel I've used my grief in this way, I fell deep into my depression which I had under control and even deeper into my health anxiety which really, never goes away. It's been present for a very long time but not quite like this.

I've called 111 too many times and even had a trip to A&E. I've done everything to feed my health anxieties wants and needs but what about mine? What about my needs as a healthy functioning human? What about my happiness? Why does my mind want to deprive me of the happiness I deserve as anyone on Earth wants to. 

I deserve to enjoy things again, to go out and have fun with my boyfriend and our friends, to see my nephew without crying when he leaves (why I do that, I DO NOT KNOW) to spend time with my mum without getting into crying matches about how hard this all is. 

I deserve to gain back the girl I have lost over the last couple of months. She disappeared a little bit but she's in there, fighting to get out slowly but surely. 

Before I would always feel awfully guilty about having time off work but the fact of the matter is I even had to be signed off work and you know what? That's okay. I needed to look after myself instead of sitting at my desk running off to have yet another panic attack, I needed time. I needed time to realise how bad it had got and I couldn't do that in a work environment, and that's okay. 

I would never ever shy away from my mental health. I would never lie to people and say I'm okay when I'm not. I'm not okay, but I will be. I can see that now, a few weeks ago I couldn't see that, I couldn't admit that I would one day be okay again because I felt in too deep. I'm getting out, slowly, that girl is coming out of the awful dark hole she fell into. 

I no longer want my mental health to define me, to sit at my desk at work and have panic attacks out of nowhere, to sit with my mum in town and ask her if I'm dying. I just want to live my life the way I deserve to live it; by having a fuck tonne of fun. 

The journey to the end of mental health is not an easy one and never will be, everyones journey is so different. It takes as long as it takes, a broken bone fixes in time...the things tangled up in your mind untangle in time. With love, support, confidence and hope it will happen. I believe that now. 

Always speak up, never shy away. Never, ever, ever. There is always someone waiting to help you, a counsellor, a doctor, a friend, a colleague, a parent, a brother, a sister, a stranger online, anyone. Mental illness is a secret little bugger just waiting to strike anyone, literally anyone and we must support each other in this fight to reach the other side.

Never give up, life is too precious. 

I want to get through this to prove I can and never look back again.