Look who's back...again

Hello you, it's been a while. It's been too long, you're like an old friend I keep meaning to meet up with but seem to avoid at all costs, my bad.

I would love to say that my absence was for good reason, like I was travelling the world or doing amazing things with my life and ruling the universe. Fact of the matter is, I have just had a fucking funny year and haven't felt like writing at all. Here I am again though, at a time when my mental health has taken a dip and I turn back to writing. I've spent the last few evenings just putting pen to paper and writing, but nothing makes me feel more connected to myself than writing on my blog. That is the way it has always been. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days and realising some things along the way.

In my life I have done so many things, so many good things, some bad things. I have gone through so much and got through all of it with strength I didn't even know I had at the time. In my life I have been in love, and been heartbroken. I have been in lust and broken some hearts. I've experienced pain in physical and mental forms that I never thought I'd have to experience at such young ages. I've seen bad things, I've done bad things. But over the past few days like I said, I have tried to remember all of the good things I can outweigh them with.

I could sit and focus on the bad but from this moment onwards I am going to try not to do that anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on the bad things and not enough time on the good. I seem to forget all of the good things I have achieved.

I forget that I got through some really rubbish illnesses when I was little, those were horrendous times but little me did it. She was so strong! I would love to be more like her again, to have her drive and her strength. I mean, I've hardly grown in size since then I am sure I can get her mentality back somehow.

I always forget that I beat anorexia. WHAT!? What an amazing thing that was to achieve, and I never give myself credit for it. Once upon a time that felt like the impossible but I made it possible with that strength that I always feel I never have, I did have it. I am living proof that I had that strength.

I forget that I lived in London for a year. Before that year I would never even walk into a shop on my own, I would never get a bus on my own, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question. Nothing. But off I went, a new city, all alone. I travelled alone, made new friends and went for long walks all on my own. I was a new woman and I did a great thing there.

I always forget that I've gone on amazing holidays and had experiences all over the world. I've gone from Sweden to Switzerland to Dublin to Austria, Europe has been my oyster and I've loved every moment I have spent on those adventures. Creating stories and memories that I can tell to people for the rest of my life.

I take for granted that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Family, friends, colleagues, they are always there to help me through and to make me laugh and smile when I need it the most. They have helped shape me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so lucky.

For me, it is time to start recognising all of the good things and stop giving so much attention to the bad things. What is the point, really? I have so many good things to remember and my whole life to allow more good things to happen. These bad thoughts are not important, they simply have no importance. They haven't done anything good for me over the years, they will not be things that I look back on and remember. All of the good times and things I have achieved? They are what I need to focus on. My strength to get through, my drive to get better even when it is impossible - these have to be my focus points from now on.

Bad thoughts? What bad thoughts?

Letter To Myself This Year - BLOGMAS DAY 13

Happy Blogmas day 13 everyone! I'm just going to jump straight into this one... 

Dear 2018 Shannon,

What a year it has been. Isn't that the most cliché thing that could ever be said at the end of any year? I mean, it's fucking true though. The ups and downs have been real. 

Amazing ups and terribly low, lows. The ups were more often than last year, that was great. We went on loads of lovely holidays, had almost anxiety free holidays (AMAZING!) saw bands we've loved for years and enjoyed ourselves on days when there wasn't even much to do.

The lows were rubbish, mental health issues were still at an all time high but also at a low, so it evened out at some points, right? We fought the mental health as hard as we could, made some changes and some that really helped in magical ways - even if it meant our credit card is suffering a bit, oops. Dad made us have squeaky bum time when he got poorly but he's that strong man we have adored all of our lives and fought through it even harder than we thought he would. What a hero. Something we will never forget.

Love with Dan grew stronger than we thought possible, remember 2017 when we met this boy, we're about to enter another year with him. Crazy! How many memories did we make? The holidays, the trips here and there, the laughs in our bedrooms which made us have belly aches. The love we have is so amazing. 

This year we watched Jensen grow into an incredible little two year old who is the funniest, most clever lad ever. He's become even more of a best friend and we have captured so many memories to look back on from his growing this year. 

One amazing thing that happened which I think we forget is that you got discharged from the eating disorder team. You gained your weight, got to a healthy weight and got discharged, that is FUCKING AMAZING. That has to be your proudest moment this year, never, ever take that for granted. It was the biggest step in your mental health journey so far, you beat that, you can beat anything. 

It's been an amazing year. Hard, but amazing and a year we will never forget. One to look back on with a full, but heavy heart. 

Thank you 2018 for the memories. 

Mental Health At Christmas Time - BLOGMAS DAY 9

Hey everyone, I hope you are enjoying blogmas so far! 

This post is one usual to my typical blog posts, mental health. Mental health at Christmas time is a tough one, always has been for me anyway. I LOVE Christmas, always have and always will but I also fall into depression and anxiety quite badly around this time of year. I think it's because my mind does not want me to be happy and enjoy what is happening. What a fucker.

It is a tough time of year, and that's okay! It is okay to not be bouncing off the walls, going out and getting merry because you would rather stay in and chill out and look after yourself. It's okay to still be sad when you're almost expected to be happy 'because it's Christmas'. 

I have one thing to say in this moment and that is to let go of the pressure of Christmas. Enjoy yourself as much as you can, but don't force yourself to just because of what Christmas is. No one is expecting you to have no mental illness for the holidays, that's not physically possible. You're doing just fine! 

This is a tough time of year as well if you suffer or have suffered from an eating disorder. I look back at times from previous years at Christmas and I've definitely stopped myself from enjoying it as much as I'd like to because I was listening to my anorexia. I would not eat any Christmas treats and be put off food completely. I'm not a massive eater anyway, so every Christmas is still a tough time for me even when I am recovered from my eating disorder - but some things stick! 

This is when you should look out for your support during this time, your nurses or therapists should provide you with emergency support over the Christmas period and use it if you need to! Like I said, it is a tough time and THAT IS OKAY.

TIPS TO HELP YOU THROUGH:

• Take time to yourself when needed and don't feel bad for doing so - Christmas is all about family, friends and socialising for most of us and this means that anxiety levels can be sky high. If this is the case, take some time away...if you're at a friends house just take a moment outside, that's okay! If you are at home then take some time out in your room for 10 minutes to collect your thoughts and bring yourself back round to the present. 

• Remember that you are okay whatever happens - If it is so overwhelming at this time, remember you've got through every other Christmas and even every other day before. You were okay then and you are going to be okay now too. 

• Drink sensibly - Of course people like a drink at Christmas but its good to remember your limits. Too much alcohol can trigger depression and anxiety tremendously, so look after yourself! 

• ASK FOR HELP - and don't be ashamed for doing so, your family, friends and loved ones are there to help and there are services to help you too throughout the season. I would recommend having the Samaritans number saved in your phone as they are open all year round, including Christmas day - 116 123

To conclude, I want you to have the best time you can allow yourself to have but don't give in to the pressure. You do you! 

Shannon x 

Mental Health Habits...

Hello everyone!

Over the years with my mental health I have racked up a bunch of habits that live with me still whether the certain mental health issue does as well is another story. I thought I'd share some because I think it's totally normal to hold onto some of these habits because your mental illness was a part of you for so long, my mental illnesses as awful as they have been have shaped me as the human I am now.

With my eating disorder I have some habits I have kept and some I have no fucking idea why and some others that stick with me too:

• Savoury food before 12pm makes me wanna eat my HEAD - this one is bizarre and I've had this for longer than my eating disorder has been prominent in my life, which shows that I've had issues with food for much longer than I thought. I cannot physically do it without feeling anxious and weird, I hate it. My boyfriend is always saying how good cheese is before 12pm and I'm like enjoy it pal, I'll have it after lunch THANKS. Even bacon rolls in the morning make me ~uncomfortable~ and it's very annoying.

• I can't eat from buffets at work and hate the smell - The smell of a buffet honestly makes me angry and uncomfortable, so weird. So when people at work bring in food for everyone on a special occasion I wish I was not there, I never go and eat anything although sometimes I do want to try one of those sexy looking cupcakes. BUT I CAN'T. I can't fucking do it, no matter how much I want to I just cannot bring myself to do it. People question me and I haven't really got an answer, I just can't. Something is still stopping me.  

• I hate eating food from coffee shops and sandwiches from supermarkets - Again, another I have no idea why but ever since my eating disorder took over I still cannot do this without feeling strange. If I manage to do it I feel like I've accomplished something massive. This is a habit which makes my family and friends think I'm still controlled by my eating disorder, honestly in that moment perhaps I am.   

• Touching wood - So when my OCD was extremely bad I was touching wood constantly all day. I was walking along the streets and purposely going over to trees to touch them and saying "touch wood, I'm okay" - it was fucking consuming. Thankfully I am not like that anymore.  However, on the odd occasion I will still do it if I am feeling anxious about something or I feel something bad is happening I stick to that little habit to keep me going in that moment. ~weird~  

•  REASSURANCE SEEKING - the big fucking daddy of my mental health habits, without reassurance seeking I don't know how I would get through anything. But note to self and everyone else, IT DOES NOT WORK. It is a short term fix for a long term problem, it does not help so is essentially the most pointless habit of all. I am always in a rut of reassurance seeking and it annoys me so much. I've tried over the years to break the habit and to just help myself instead, but it's the hardest one of all. 

Basically, the message here is that if you manage to break one of your habits then pat yourself on the back because they are hard to get out of. Trust me, I know! Give yourself the credit you deserve if you do break a habit. I always do if I manage to eat in a coffee shop or if I don't ask for reassurance that one time.

Be proud of your progress, big or small!

You Bring Me Home.

Hello everyone, it's been a bloody long time hasn't it? If you weren't aware I've been spending a lot more time focussing on my YouTube channel and I seem to have abandoned my original outlet - this blog. If you want to watch me ramble, you can do so here

Anyway, on to todays post...

Look at my new little tattoo, isn’t it so perfect? 

I’ve done posts in the past about my tattoos and their meanings and this one is the one which people might be like “why the fuck have you done that” - you know what they say, don’t get anyone’s name tattooed on you. I learnt that from the best, my dad, I can still see a smidge of ‘Jackie’ and ‘Sharon’ under his weird tomato basket looking tattoo. My mums name is Paula, I don’t know these women and he learnt the hard way about getting names for tattoos. 

But then I’ve watched my mum ink her skin with my dads name 3 times, across her heart, on her wrist and on her wedding ring finger. My dad also has her name on his wedding ring finger, and I’ve always found it adorable. 

I don’t see anything wrong with inking your skin with an important name, why the fuck not?! Your body, your rules, right? 

My new tattoo is not a so painfully obvious declaration of love as it would be if I’d got “I LOVE YOU DANIEL MURDZZZZ” on my forehead. It’s song lyrics which I associate with my love for him. 

Mad? Weird? Absolutely crackers? Maybe. But I like to express my feelings in many a way. I always have, I am a creative person with a busy mind. How can I possibly show the person I love how much I love everything they’ve ever made me feel? I know, mark it on my body forever for him to see every day. He will then know all that he’s done for me. 

“You bring me home” - simple, and why does my love ‘bring me home’ I hear you ask? He is my home. 

He’s shown me love like no other, he’s cared for me in the darkest of times. He’s laughed with me at the highest of highs and cried at the lowest of lows. He’s there at the end of the day, he’s there in the middle so we can ask each other how badly our days are going. He cuddles me to sleep, he wofts his morning breath my way in the morning. He’ll eat nasty Tesco chicken nuggets with me and moan about the pointless use of garlic. He is my other half and he is my home. He is my love and he is my home. He’s seen me go from bad to worse, but at the end he’s brought me home. He is my home. 

I adore this human with all of my heart, and I will express my love for him in many forms of art. I will write him letters, type write little things I love about him and put them in a box, I will send him smooshy, unreasonable texts at silly hours of the day. I will love him with every piece of me and he will do the same back. He’s special. 

He is my home and this one is for you, Dan. 

(Let’s hope we don’t break up, if we do this tattoo is harry styles lyrics n I just love harry styles OKAY?)

New Things...

Hello everyone! 

Long time no blog post...

I've had a funny few months, ups and downs, the usual in the land of Shannon. But if you were not aware I have created a brand new YouTube channel! Exciting stuff. 

I launched it a couple of weeks ago to talk all things Mental Health. From my journey to yours, the ins and outs, things you may not have known and things you know all too well. I wanted to bring the topic of mental health into the lives of people around me. I am surrounded by people who are very open to mental health, luckily! However, so many others are not and I am all for speaking up and talking about the issue. 

My first video was an introduction into the channel, what will be coming and what I have been through (in short) you can watch that below: 

My second video which went up last week was all about health anxiety which I have written about many a time on my blog: 

I am so so so so so excited for this new little path and it is something I have wanted to do FOREVER and it's taken a lot of guts to finally do it.

The Channel is 'Shannon Talks' and talking is what Shannon shall do!

While I'm here on the topic of new things, the most beautiful brand Old English Company have a new  Enamel Pin Collection here! So many cute little pins for all your pin needs...I particularly like to have a little pin on my pinafores - just adds a cute touch! 

To go with the new pins they are having a competition over on their website here to win a set of sweet pins - the winner is picked on the 30th May! 

I'm going to go and get myself some new pins to flaunt in my new youtube videos so I can be all cute and pin-ny... 

Until next time sweets x 

Mental Health: A Boyfriends Point Of View

Hello everyone!

Happy Sunday, here we are, part two of my three blog posts with my loved ones on mental health. This time it is with my boyfriend, Dan. I have spoken about Dan so many times on this blog and in real life, he is my main talking point.

I've spoken about being in love when having anxiety before here - it's fucking hard. It is so hard, to put someone through something when they have the choice to leave, it's hard to try and hold on to someone. But with Dan, I don't feel like that although I will always say to him "you could have a much easier life with someone else" he has not once said he wants to run away, not once. He has been my safe place since day one, he's amazing. I love him very much.

Here is Dans point of view...

"Hello to everyone who reads Shannons blog, either to find inspiration with their own struggles or finds comfort in something they can relate to. 

Firstly I would like to give you a bit of background on how me and Shannon met, it probably is a rather typical way of meeting people these days as we met on Tinder.  This was a way we didn’t really expect to meet anyone, it all started with me leaving my phone in my best friends car, I came up with a stupid message that I had to drive all the way to his just so I can message her.  Stupid and cringe I know! Please forgive me….. 

Either way from that moment me and Shannon have been non stop talking and I found a truly beautiful and wonderful person. 

Although Shannon had always been open about her health anxiety and always been open about having an eating disorder, I had never truly experienced these things in person. I have to be honest, mental health was something I didn’t understand or take seriously. To anyone who hasn’t seen mental health or experienced it themselves first hand I totally understand why you would think ‘just let it pass’, ‘get a grip and get over it’...I have been there, but I have to say I was wrong and if anyone does think that, well it couldn’t be further from the truth.

The first two months I saw none of Shannons mental health struggles and I thought ahh here we go… It doesn’t exist… EVERYTHING was amazing, we fell in love (quickly) but sometimes when you know you know. This was totally the case with me and Shannon. I have never met anyone I can relate to more, never met anyone with so much depth and beauty! But this girl was and still is right there in front of me. I want you all to know that even though this all changed when her mental health started to grow and became a part of my life the way I feel about her has never changed. I still see the smiles the laughter and amazing person SHE is. Through the pain, the upset and the bad days, there are amazing days and memories we have made that I will cherish for the rest of our lives.

Shannon has told me to be totally honest, say if things make me mad, angry, sad and to tell you all if I  ever have thought "you know what FUCK THIS I am out of here".  There are times that I get angry, of course there is. I have my own crap days, tough days at work/home. This means sometimes my patience before I see ‘RED’ is a little bit lower or I have little less I can handle. I know that Shannon totally understands this, she doesn’t want her mental health problems to hurt me, anger me, the words she says just come out. That, in my eyes isn’t her saying them, they are this completely different persona feeding her these things to say out loud. 

I come home and JUST before I walk in I think "what Shannon am I getting today?" I pray everyday that I come in and she is smiling. I know that isn’t always going to be the case, but it doesn’t stop me begging for it. Although Shannon is ALWAYS happy to see me come through that door her reasons maybe different at times, this is the same with anyone. Sometimes its so she can unload the crap day she has had and the crap day I have had. Sometimes it is because she genuinely is happy to see me. But someone suffering with health anxiety also thinks "OH MY GOD DANS HOME he can tell me if I am okay". I get questions like 'do my eyes look okay?' 'My head hurts is it a brain tumour?' Now I can tell you my job isn’t a doctor I work for Nationwide Building Society……. So answering these questions only comes down to me knowing the real issue. Shannon is suffering with an illness, but its not the illness that she thinks (brain tumours, cancer, more recently tetanus) it is her health anxiety. These are the reasons I can say tell her 'no its not this' or 'yes that is normal…' 

As I previously said when me and Shannon first got together I didn’t see any of this. The first month we had nothing but happiness in each others company. I think when you get that first stage of a relationship nothing will ruin it… After that I actually totally relied on her as the other most important lady in my life got struck down with her own mental health issues. Of course that person is my mum… I had to be at home A LOT and away from Shannon and be there for my mum and dad. This was a truly defining moment in mine and Shannons relationship. I told her that I couldn’t spend the time I wanted with her and we had been together a month. I had broken down and cried to her already.. I told her that if she wants out she can go now. I couldn’t give her the time that she deserves. Instead of running away from me, Shannon made her house my own. She set me up with a drawer in her chest of drawers with clothes and deodorant. She told me "if you ever need to get away for the night you can come here". She made her home my safe haven to get away to. That to me was a truly remarkable and wonderful thing to do. Shannon was never scared of her own mental health problems and never scared of my mums having an effect on our relationship, she embraced it. 

This brings me to the first time I saw her mental health problems. We went to London over night to escape everything from home. All was fine until we had to go home and we were sitting with her best friend Sanna in the restaurant Giraffe on South Bank. Shannon started saying she saw a little light in her eye floating…. Boom! Suddenly Shannon thinks she has a brain tumour. Although the floating light went, the thought of brain tumours stayed. Suddenly the mental health problems I thought that didn’t really exist were coming to life. Now I had the chance to go run away, get scared, mad, sad. I didn’t...I embraced it, Shannon had done that beautiful, amazing thing for me and I still believed and again still do believe I am the luckiest boy in the world to have her and I started to fight her corner from this day. 

Am I scared of her mental health? Yes of course there are things I am scared of… I am scared how it will impact our future. BUT it is OUR future and I will not allow it to break us. What I am not scared of is her health anxiety persona. I know that this battle is our battle now and together we will defeat it. We will learn ways to make her stronger and in turn make that weaker. She has always told me not to think I can save her. I totally agree, Shannon has to tackle this herself but she can tackle it with the support of me and Ben who previously posted and her mum, dad, brother and friends. Some days I am sad about it, I see how it breaks her down and ruins her days and when you love someone and you see an illness break them down of course it breaks you but it doesn’t stop me getting back up and it doesn’t stop her. Anyone fighting mental health whether it's my mum or Shannon or anyone, I am truly proud of the struggles you go through. I am merely an outsider I have never had these issues myself but just know that I understand. 

If anyone was to ask how I feel, I would say I feel lucky to have her, I feel blessed that I get to spend everyday with her. Okay maybe we have problems like any relationship. Yes her mental health can completely take over our days sometimes. Yes she is always fighting the things in her head in the fear she mentions it I will get mad. But I still feel lucky and she needs to know that is enough for me, to have her and be able to make the memories we do is enough for me. Shannon does some really amazing things and sometimes she forgets what a beautiful person she is inside and out. Her pain can take over and make her think she is the worst person in the world when really...she is the most caring person I have ever met." 

I said this last time, that when you are deep within the grips of your mental health you kind of forget about the ones around you and how they feel but I am so aware of Dans feelings. I cannot wait to be able to get through a day without falling into my anxious trap and to get through it to be wit Dan at the end of it.

I found a little gem here, I want to keep him for a long time... 

Mental Health: A Best Friends Point Of View

Hey everyone,

Welcome to part one of three...I am starting a new little 'series' where I will get 3 of the most important people in my life and my mental health journey to just talk a little about how it has affected them.

First of all, my best friend Ben

Ben has been my best friend for many years. We met at school, I used to go into one of the blocks and watch him play ping pong and then he would come over and make me laugh until I wanted to pee (he still does) 

We have a very special friendship, I love him like a brother. I laugh, cry, smile and share all of my memories with him. He is family.

I would not have been able to get through so many things in my journey without him there to catch me on the bad days. He's been there through the highs and the lows, the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression and the break ups. He was always there. He's been there from celebrating successes in life, to watching me breaking down because I didn't want to live when I broke up with my ex. 

He has watched me in these times a lot more than my other friends, I see him every week and share it all with him. He has experienced it first hand and has become a safe place for me.

That's the thing when you are suffering, you collect all of the  things or people which make you feel safe. It's their choice if they want to stick around - Ben has, for that reason I am so lucky. 

This is Bens point of view... 

"I don’t actually the remember the first time I met Shannon (she clearly doesn’t mean that much to me). I reckon it was probably in Media class in high school; whilst I was being a teacher’s pet she was probably, well, doing the same. It was only when we became really close that I began to learn about Shannon’s mental health and to tell the truth, the first time I’d learnt about mental health at all. Being a young, impressionable (nerdy) young man, I can’t really recall being aware of a thing called ‘mental health’ because I nor my parents had come into contact with it and even if they had, they wouldn’t have told me.

As my friendship grew and grew with Shannon during and after our education, she became like a sister to me. I now know everything about Shannon; what her habits are, how her mind works and unfortunately, how fucking awful her farts are. This closeness meant Shannon was much more susceptible to opening up to me and in time, I began to understand how such a crippling affliction affected pretty much everyone, including me (and if you think it hasn’t, then well, you’re lying). 

On the eating disorder - 

She was always obsessed with her image and was constantly concerned of what people thought when they looked at her. Personally, I think the plague of social media didn’t help and I’m sure the same goes for many young girls, and boys, of that age. I always did and still do find it frustrating when Shannon asks ‘Do my legs look massive?’ or ‘Do you think I have a big belly?’. No matter how many ‘No darling, you look fine’ one-liners I pumped out, Shannon refused to believe me, or anyone else for that matter. She’s improved a hell of a lot in that sense over the years so bloody well done to her and I hope one day she will be able to see what we all see, a beautiful woman full of life.

Selfishly (or selflessly, depending on how you look it), I have always preferred talking about Shannon’s problems compared to mine because…

1) Shannon’s problems are always real problems that affect her day to day life. My latest girl problem or aggro at work doesn’t even come close to what Shannon has to deal with on a daily basis.

2) If Shannon needs to talk to me, I want her to. I never want her to feel like she can’t open up to me.

On the 'break up' - 

The break up was a bloody awful time for Shannon. The way the whole thing unravelled was heart breaking for me to watch but obviously, a living hell for Shannon. That whole time really affected her and was a big setback on her road to recovery. She thought she had everything she needed and was convinced she was set for life; I thought the same thing for a time too. However, it didn’t work out and it really broke Shannon. I tried to be there as much as I could but the damage was already done and I hope Shannon never ever has to go through anything close to that again. However there is one big positive to take from that utter shit storm. She must take solace from the fact she got through that. She was strong, resilient and dealt with everything she faced like an adult. I can definitely say I am nowhere near strong enough to get through something like that but Shannon did, and that says a lot about her as a person.

How it affects me sometimes -

Sometimes I do feel helpless. I have gone home countless times from spending time with her asking myself ‘How can I help more?’ or ‘How can Shannon fix this?’. I have always been naive enough to believe the answer is in books - hence me buying her some sort of well-being related book EVERY Christmas and birthday (Sorry Shannon). But I think the answer to this is people. Shannon has some fantastic people in her life; a loving family, supportive colleagues, caring friends and praise the lord, an awesome boyfriend. As long as these people continue to talk and support Shannon and she continues to offload her thoughts onto them, she will one day beat this. Talking about stuff is key, NEVER bottle any problem up, no matter how big or small.

To bring this poorly written, grammatically incorrect monologue to a close, I feel incredibly blessed to have Shannon in my life. I take great comfort that whatever problem we face in life, we will share it and tackle it together. I am overwhelmingly proud of Shannon. She plays herself down but deals with so much shit and just keeps on going. I know one day she will beat this, she is way stronger than she thinks. 

(Now she promised she’d pay me for this interview and she ‘claims’ she sent a cheque in the post. Let this post go on record, I HAVE NOT BEEN PAID. I will be suing)." 

Sometimes I forget that there are other people involved in my journey, as much as I care for others sometimes I am so absorbed in everything in my mind that I forget about my friends and family for that split second. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to listen to my family, my friends, their stories. I want to get better for me primarily but for others too, like Ben. Someone who has always put up a fight for me, for that Ben, I thank you. 

Take Your Own Advice...

Hey everyone,

As you well know I enjoy doing a blog post when times are very tough - it helps me. Right now I'm having a fucking tough day.

Heres the thing I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk, I can do blog posts upon blog posts talking about how to try and get through bad spells of mental health but here I am, still struggling daily.

Some days are better, some really are not and today is one of those days. I'll be honest I have spent the day panicking, internally and externally. I have wound my mum up all day and annoyed myself. I even tried to meditate to take my mind off of the thought of calling the doctors.

My heart keeps beating out of my chest and every time I try to nap my mind becomes alive, like electric and that's it, I panic all over again.

My vision feels wrong and my health anxiety is through the roof because of this.

Fact is, I increased my medication last week and it means I'm super sleepy and duh...when you're tired your vision takes the brunt of it, right? RIGHT. Listen rational Shannon, listen.

What I'm trying to say is that even though I'm trying so hard to help, to write about mental health and preach and preach and preach, that doesn't mean I'm any where near getting better. My journey is constant, I feel like I'm just on a long fucking road and one day I'll reach my destination (happiness, health and wellness) but right now I keep having to stop off at a service station to have a pee in a stinky toilet, get some junk food and have a long old stretch...then I'll get back on the road again.

I should take my own advice, we all should. We are probably all sweet as fuck advice givers but when it comes to our own problems we go blank. What is rationality? I don't fucking know, ask someone who knows what in the dick is going on in the world.

Here is the thing, let's say I had a friend who had health anxiety and they said to me "Shannon, I am really scared all of the time that I have a brain tumour, I feel so tense and awful and anxious...I have headaches, a tense back, my concentration is off, I don't feel good" - I would say "go to the doctors, you need to address your anxiety with them, that's the problem" 

Wow, good advice Shannon, where are YOU when I need you?!

We need to reach out for our rational side, they are in there and they care for you more than anything. The bad side wants to bring you down and ruin any good thing you have going for you. Fuck that, fuck that shit.

Keep fighting, be rational, take your own advice...I sure am going to learn to!

My 2018 Goals

Hey everyone, firstly I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I have a good feeling about this one...especially after the shit show of 2017. What the fuck was that, universe?!

I've got a few things I'd like to do and achieve this year and I am confident and motivated to do them! Here we go 2018...

Start Yoga

I've wanted to start yoga for a long time now but have either not had the motivation or confidence to do it. I feel like it's going to improve my mental health so much and make me feel so well in general. My best friend Ben gave me such a lovely Christmas present with Yoga Dice so once I start in a class I can then do it at home. It's going to be a big step, to either go alone or with a friend. I'm excited!

Write more

Whether that is on my blog or in a journal, I just want to write. I love writing, it really helps me and is therapeutic. Hence why I tend to always write a long blog post whenever I am really struggling. I've attempted journals for years, I have tonnes of books but this year I am going to write as much as I can, when I can!

Start a Youtube channel

This is something I've wanted to do since I was younger, I attempted it once when I done a vlog about the One Direction premiere and it was fucking tragic. I want to start doing videos talking about mental health, getting it out on a different platform and in a different way. I think it will be helpful for me and for other people too, what do you think?

Stay tidy! 

A tidy room equals a tidy mind if you ask me! My room needs decorating, it hasn't felt quite like home since I moved back into it earlier in the year after leaving the house I was renting with my ex boyfriend. It needs some TLC and I need to look after it more, it's my home after all and where I spend a lot of my time. I want to do it all up, make it tidy and nice and I think my mind will feel fresh because of it!

Say yes to plans 

In 2017 I became nervous whenever plans came about, there was a handful of people I was okay with seeing and that was it. I want to go and see my friends India and Damian more and hang out in their lovely home, I want to see Dans friends more without feeling unnecessarily nervous (anxiety, please suck my dick) and I just want to say yes more! I want to text friends I haven't seen in a while and go for a drink without thinking it's a burden on my day, I just want to enjoy myself again and I am going to. 2018 is the year I become a more confident person.

BE HAPPY

This is my ultimate goal this year and forever on wards. I want to break through my anxiety, depression and whatever the fuck else is going on in my silly head and be the happiest version of me. I have so much going for me, I have the potential to move to a better job, I have amazing friends and family, a lovely boyfriend and inside I have the drive to move forward. I will be happy this year, last year I spent most of the time being sad and worried, not this year, no thank you.

I am excited for what this year has to offer, let's go 2018, let's make it a good one!

x

Acceptance of your Mental Health

As I grow I am really learning to accept my anxiety for what it is.

I guess I would see it as a friend, a weird fucking friend who wants to destroy your life but you can't let them go because they've been your friend for so long. So long that you don't know what you would do without them, because they seem to act like they know what they're doing, they've seen life in a different way and they want to keep you safe.

This is bullshit, they don't want to do any of those things for you. They are like a jealous friend who sees that you have a really great life and they don't have that so they want to destroy it for you so no one can be happy.

You seem to open your eyes and realise they are no friend of yours at all, they are evil and want to take all of the goodness out of you. What kind of friend does that?

I think looking at it that way really helps, you have to realise what anxiety is and what it is trying to do before you can accept it and move on.

So if you had a friend who was just nasty, you would eventually remove them from your life right? That's what you need to do here. Remove the toxic things from your life.

It is all about acceptance.

Have a chat with your anxiety, sit it down, tell it you've had enough...even tell it that it's a bitch and you can do better without them!

I realise that me telling you to sit down with you anxiety sounds nuts but...we're all nuts here, in a good way. I'm telling you all to do this, but really I need to be doing this myself.

I find comfort in writing these posts, they really help. If there is one thing I recommend in the recovery of any mental illness it is to write! Create a blog, get a cute little notebook, just write and write and write your feelings away. Get them out of your brain and see it all in front of you, it really helps.

Anyway, back to getting rid of your awful friend. As I said, accept it for what it is and one day you will learn to forgive them.

Accept and forgive, forgiveness gives you a sense of hope that things can move on I feel. If someone hurts you, you grow as a person and one day forgive them and it makes you feel good that you know you have moved on.

But first, accept it! Whatever it may be and learn to move on from it. It will be hard, you will sometimes feel like you need it so bad because you don't know what to do without it but you are your own person, not your mental illnesses.

Don't be tied down...there's plenty more friends out there to make!

Ways To Distract and Be Kind To Yourself...

Hello everyone!

So over the months I have been using distraction as a way to erm...distract myself...I fucking rule at writing. ANYWAY, when things are a bit shit I have to distract myself, thats the way to get out of the vicious circle that is anxiety. When I was in my darkest moments even distraction would not work and I still have those days now I'll be honest! But when I can distract myself it is good and it is fun. It is all about self love, looking after number one and treating number one to the goodness that the world has to offer.

I've just made a list of a few things to do when you need to distract or just simply be kind to yourself.

Have A Nice Bath

I am a Lush lover, perhaps even a Lush addict. So when I really want to wind down I will pick up a nice bubble bar or bath bomb and just chill the fuck out. I will put on Ru Pauls Drag Race on Netflix - and hope I don't splash water all over my laptop and destroy it - and I will just relax for a little while. Its a worry free zone and I love it. You can just have a nice bubble bath for half an hour and just relax, zone out and be with you for a minute.

Write About Your Day

I find this extremely helpful when I do it, or just writing in general! I've touched on this before where it is really helpful to write down 3 good things which happened that day and the more you do it the more helpful it becomes. It is all about reflection, if you have had a bad day that's okay, write about it and move on from it. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hydrate Yourself

I'm a bugger for not hydrating myself but I know it is the absolute key to getting on well with any day. If you are not hydrated then the day is tougher, simple as. This is one I'm going to work a lot harder on to do because I think it is going to make a huge difference in the act of being kinder to myself and also for my health in general. I recently got sent a Eau Good Duo by Black+Blum which looks awesome. It has a charcoal stick which acts as the water filter, which absorbs nasty tastes so you can drink that manky sink water all day long, NICE. I'm super excited to try it out and have it as part of my plan to be kinder to myself. They have a campaign here to get the product on the market so I really do recommend looking it up!

Go For A Walk 

Just push yourself to get out of the house, listen to some music and just take in the places around you. It's a great distraction and also just lovely to get out and give yourself some air. Go to a nice park or field, theres always dogs you can just go and squish (which is always the biggest bonus of all) - I'm planning on going on lots of walks this Winter with my dogs. We have a new puppy, I forgot to mention, his name is Teddy and he is just the sweetest.

Watch A New TV Series 

That is always a fun one and a great way to distract yourself on the tough days. My go to series all the time are Friends, How I Met Your Mother and Peep Show. However, every week I look forward to an hour of just chilling out with Dan watching Riverdale. It is nice to just have something there to look forward to, there is loads to choose from and all nice, chill ways to distract your mind! 

Try On New Outfits 

This is something I did A LOT when I was at university, every week I would walk to Topshop on Oxford Street and just try on loads of clothes and I loved it. It was something I really looked forward to doing and it was just a nice thing to do for an hour or so, trying on things I normally wouldn't and just having a nice time by myself without thinking about anything else. Just pop into your local town and have a look around and just have fun! 

Distraction really is key and I am learning this day by day, later today I'm going to mong out and play Sims because that is my favourite distraction ~if I'm honest~ and I can't wait! 

What do you do to distract yourself and what do you do when you need a bit of self love? Let me know! 

x x x 

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

World Mental Health Day 2017

Hey everyone,

The time of year has come again where we all seem to recognise mental health, and that's great. It should be recognised and fought for every single day but if one day makes more people stand up and talk and stand up and realise what is happening then again, that is great.

Over the last few months I have written quite a few of blog posts talking about how I'm getting on and my on going struggles with my own mind. With this I have had quite a few people come and speak to me about their own troubles and that is AMAZING. It's fucking terrible that they are struggling but thank God they are opening up, even if it is just to someone they don't know too well. I want people to feel like they can speak to me, I am just one person struggling, there are millions feeling the exact same way. This is something we all need to remember.

Today is a day for recognising our own battles, knowing we are fighting and we are going to win. Sometimes people don't make it through the fight and bless their souls for even trying, it's fucking hard, it's a real fucking hard fight.

I recognise my battle now, I see what I'm doing and I am getting better I need to remember this. A few months ago I was at crisis point, I wanted to be taken away and locked up and not let out until I was better but here I am sat at my kitchen table on my own and not being consumed by my thoughts entirely, I feel like I am breathing again. Slowly, but I am.

I am overcoming aspects of my battle one by one. I am really, really getting through my eating disorder. I am eating whatever I want to really and I am gaining weight. Sometimes I hate it and I hate looking at my body, the next minute I'm like 'WOW you have curves and those tits are the size of a house' (I literally love my boobs) - I always wanted to be little Shannon however I need to realise that I cannot always be little Shannon. One day I will have to be a mum and a wife and I cannot be those things when I was in that state. I'm getting better, I'm getting back the me I lost, I am getting her back.

Knowing I can get through that aspect is driving me to get through this little chapter too. I am seeing this as a little bump in my journey, one that will make me a lot stronger and one day I hope to help others.

I am rationalising things more, I am getting my energy and motivation back, I am learning to see reality again. I am getting there.

I hope anyone on their own journeys will continue their fight, you are so strong, you are doing so well to get up every day and face the day, I know it's hard but you do it. You should be proud of everything you do, one small step at a time. If you have set backs that is okay, a little set back does not take away all of the progress you have made. You are amazing and you deserve the world, continue on your journey and go through the door which is calling you. Behind that door is fun, love, family, friends and no demons trying to drag you down. Treat yourself with goods things, be kind to yourself, the journey comes to an end and we all need to know the end is just the start of an even better journey.

x x x

A Letter To Me...From Me (The Good Side)

To Shannon,

You're struggling and that's okay. You've gone up and down your entire life, this is just a bad time and it will get better I know it will.

I wanted to talk to you in a way so you can read this whenever you are struggling and whenever the bad side takes over. I love you and I care for you, more than you know and realise. There is a little bit in there that wants to look after you, not hurt you and that's me.

You listen so strongly to the bad side that it controls you completely, I'm trying my best to fight for you but you're letting the bad side in too strong...I think we should come up with a name for the bad side, who do you really hate? (we all know who that is, but we can't do that........) We need something short for healthy anxiety...FUCK IT, we'll just call it a cunt? No no, that's not PG enough. We'll just shorten it to HA, that's easy.

When HA comes in you change, you panic, you go in on yourself and you're scared. Everyone around you struggles to cope with it too because they've been doing it for too long. So have you. It's time to let go, let it fucking go, I'm in here! I want to have fun with you!

You think the world is against you, it's not. You have an amazing life. You have a supportive family, amazing friends and the spiciest boyfriend you could've ever laid eyes on. Shannon, he's so fit have you seen him? You have a comfortable job, a nice house, a gorgeous nephew and 2 dogs. Some people don't even have one dog, you have TWO.

You see doctors all the time, you have counsellors, an eating nurse who would pick you up and cuddle you all day if she could to take away the demons. Not all of these people are against you Shannon, they are here to help you. I am too, just let me in.

Picture it this way: Imagine in the future you have a little boy or a little girl. They have anxiety, every time they cry and are scared you take them to the doctors and they get checked over and are told "everything is okay, it's just your anxiety" - they don't believe the doctor, they don't believe you either. But you still fight and fight and fight to keep them safe and happy because you're a mum, you know your child better than they know themselves and you know they're okay. That's exactly what your mum is doing, she's fighting for you because she knows you have an amazing life to live and HA is holding you back. Your mum will never lie to you, just like you would never lie to your child.

Your mum has called you beautiful every day of your life because she made you, she's not lying, she loves you and if she ever thought something was wrong she would be the first person to rush you to get help. Just like she has with the thing that is wrong: YOUR ANXIETY.

Just like Dan says all the time, fight the thing that is really wrong not the things that HA is making up for you to fight. You need that every to fight the problem, not the things that don't exist.

Come on, I am here, I am waiting to enjoy life again. Let me in and let me go out and enjoy life again. HA just wants to destroy you, it's doing a good job. But Shannon, it's fucking time to get rid of the cunt and kick it's arse. Don't let HA destroy you, DESTROY YOUR ANXIETY.

Read this every time you struggle, read this every single time. Do not wallow, no more wallowing. No more. Every single time you get scared, scream out loud FUCK OFF. Tell HA to fuck off, there's about to be a downsize in the house bro, theres no room in the inn.

I am here, I love you. I love you so much. I love how much fun you can have, I love how stupidly funny and weird you are, let that shine again. I am here to have fun and we have so many opportunities to do that.

It's time to fight like you've never fought before, I'll be here the whole way.

Love from, Shannon xoxox

"Love" with Anxiety.

Hellooooo everyone another mental health post, oh me. 

I'm surrounded by love and support there's absolutely no denying that. I have more friends than I could ever dream of, I've always been lucky to find friends in different places. I have my life long friends, my work friends, my friends from uni, my online friends that I've met through bands and my international friends (Erin, that's you). I have so much love to shower me in.

I have a big loving family and a bloody lovely boyfriend. I love to love.

The hardest thing with suffering from anxiety and depression is to know that you're upsetting those who love you so much and those you love so much too. It's hard. It's hard to try to listen to them and take that as what is real and not the demons in your head, they love you after all they want to keep you safe - the things in your head want to make you feel unsafe for as long as possible. Logically, who should be listened to? 

The past 7 months I've been lucky to meet an amazing boy. I've touched on him before and how he came into my life at a point I wasn't expecting to love again. At that time I felt so unloved, so hurt and so alone, I didn't think I would experience love and care from someone again, especially so soon.

He saved me and that's putting it bluntly and he's trying his best to save me again. I didn't grieve properly at the time for my loss of a relationship and my grandad, I've put all of this 'mental breakdown' down to my lack of grief and it's presented itself in a fucking shitty way. But we all grieve differently! 

Now, it's so hard to fall in love when you're fighting your own head. You end up fighting the person who loves you for trying their best to help. He will spend hours on end reassuring me I'm okay when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves watching a film or going for a walk, you know the usual. He will try so hard and he will get angry and upset that I'm not changing. That's so hard but I never resent him for it, he's fighting for me too. 

I want to change for him, I see a future with him I've never seen with anyone else. A REAL future. He's mature, he has his head screwed on. He does things no one has ever done for me before.

He sat me down one evening and gave me a pen and some paper and said "write down your 5 year plan, what do you want in the next 5 years?" - I wrote the usual; in 1 year I want to feel happy and be driving. In 2 years I want to be engaged and be moving into my own home, in 3/4 I want to get married and in 5 I want to have a baby. He looked at the timeline and said "so shannon, where does all this bad stuff fit in? I never said don't write any negative things down. The brain tumours you're scared of don't fit in this timeline do they?" MIND BLOWN. He's amazing. 

He'd thought of that all just to help me see the reality of my anxieties. What fucking gift from the Gods does that?! HE DOES.

It's a tough journey but he's sticking by me, he hasn't given up through all of the tears and panics, he's trying to make me stronger and I can't thank him enough. 

To be in love is amazing, to be in love with someone who wants to help you become a better person, that's just indescribable.

I love you Dan.