Self Worth.

Hi everyone, I hope you are doing well! 

It's been a while, my life has been a whirlwind since the last time I posted, the New Year really treated me to a multitude of shite all at once. Thanks Universe. 

I had to deal with a break up, leaving a house and my Grandad passing away all in the space of a couple of weeks. Firstly, I was broken, didn't think I'd be able to cope. Then my Grandad passed away and as much as I fucking miss him and wish he was still here, it put life and everything into perspective. 

I haven't let myself wallow, I haven't sat around crying like would be expected of me in this situation. It has been an awful time, but my God it's made me so much stronger.

Never, EVER in my life have I realised my self worth. Never have I wanted to get better mentally and physically. But all of this happened and some sort of switch turned on in my head. I realised I was worth so much more than the way I was treated, I realised that life is too short to sit around and suffer. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be well.

I've been enjoying myself since all of this happened, I'm the happiest I've been in such a long time and really, I am so proud of myself.

I finally realise that as a person I am worth love, kindness and attention from the people who I want to give attention and love back to. I'm so happy for myself.

I have realised I am worth more than my eating disorder, more than my anxiety and more than my depression. I've been eating whatever I wanted (of course with the off days, normal in recovery) - I've been going out and having fun, spending time with some lovely people and treating myself to nice things. This is the nicest I've felt in so long, I am finally ready to live my life.

I'm now weighing up my options about the future, I'm looking into going back to University with people behind me who support me and want me to succeed. I am in a really good place. 

Basically, know your worth guys. Just know that you are worth love, happiness and good health. Look after yourself and get rid of toxic people who bring you down, life is TOO SHORT PEOPLE. You are worth all of those days where you treat yourself to nice things, you are worth the time you spend on yourself and only yourself, you are worth self love and self respect, you are worth the respect you deserve from other people. You are just fucking amazing and embrace it. 

I'll be back soon with regular posts, I just need some well earned me time!

All the love, x 

Where am I at?

Hey everyone,

It's been a tough morning, I have to say. I'm going away this weekend and this always fills me with crippling anxiety - I don't know why. I think I've been building up to a bit of a breakdown all week and it happened this morning and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty that I let it get the better of me and I let it control whether or not I was going to go to work (I didn't) - I try to be positive on here, radiate positivity and pretend I'm doing just fine. I only ever come back on here when something really gets to me. This has really got to me, I feel terrible that I've let it get the better of me once again. I feel weak, I feel like a bad person and now I'm terrified I'll get fired. I am a bloody poo.

I need to realise that my mental health is important, some days I do realise this but then when it does this I just feel like I've failed. All the progress I've made was for nothing.

But then I remember that ups and downs are in fact essential in the recovery process, I've discussed that with my therapist. Without the downs I wouldn't be able to use my techniques that I've learnt to get me back up, going backwards is normal and important. It is human.

I guess I just feel like everyone around me works hard and I'm just slacking off, but then I never cut myself a break for this.

I've been doing okay you know, I've had to increase my intake of food to try and get my periods back (HELLLLLLO PERIOD TALK) and I'm more determined than ever to do this. I think that's been subtly pushing my buttons all week and it was only a matter of time before I said 'no, I need some me time'. This morning has been my me time, I'm just lucky that my work place understand even when I feel like I'm absolutely cheating them for doing stuff like this.

In other news though, I am in fact going away later today to London to visit my university friends. I've just gotta get through that initial anxiety that I get every single time I go away and enjoy myself.

I hope you're all well and plodding along with all of your positivity.

I'll be back soon with some less negative posts, I promise! x

Effortless Inspiration Books by Dani DiPirro: Review!

Hi everyone, it's been a while for which I apologise but if I'm honest I've been an absolute mess lately. Ridiculously tired, run down, a mess from start to finish. I'm sorry! 

Anyway, a little while ago the lovely people over at Watkins Media  sent me some copies of Dani DiPirro's (aka, Positivelypresent) new books (as well as a couple of her older ones to complete the set).

There are four in the set: Gratitude, Living In The Moment and the two newer books Forgiveness and Compassion. I jumped on board when they got in touch so I could get my hands on these and try to relate them to my own recovery, which is purely what my blog has been based around for a very long time now. 

These four little books are SO CUTE. I know I'm not meant to be reviewing the look of them necessarily but I actually love the simplicity of the designs so much - they look very sweet on my shelves in my new living room, just saying. 

Each book has positively reinforcing quotes throughout, things to do each day to help with your positive outlook and just a whole damn bunch of positivity that I am absolutely loving and taking on board. 

I'm going to just go through each one a little bit, I wanted to do a more in depth post about each book as there are 'activities' as such to do BUT that would take me forever and I think I just want to incorporate them into future posts within my recovery. 

Forgiveness 

This book really made me think, it made me think about forgiving myself for what I have done. I've hurt myself mentally a lot over the years but honestly, a piece of writing has never made me think more. 

"Today I forgive myself for my past mistakes" 

The book is all about finding it within ourselves to forgive those who have hurt us, make us think about why we should forgive and the good it will do to ourselves for doing so. These books are so thought provoking I cannot express this enough! 

Compassion 

This book looks at seeing the world in a different way to be able to see your own. It touches on showing compassion to others who do not have what we have so we can learn to give without having to receive a reward - simply for the point of being compassionate. 

"Today I show compassion by loving myself"

After reading this I spent the next day trying to love myself in every way I could, a big part of my recovery. 

Living In The Moment 

Living in the Moment is all about what it says on the cover..... living in the moment, DUH. I think this one was my favourite. It's all about recognising what your favourite things to do are, why you do them, what it means to focus on this moment right now and not the past or the future - simply the present. Why you are doing what you're doing, what it means to be in this moment and why this moment is so important. It made me go off and do some of my water colour prints, add to the blog, all of the things I love to do which make me feel present in the moment. 

"I stay present by not worrying about the future" 

I think this is one quote that stood out to me the most, alongside all of the other positive quotes throughout. I want to live in this moment, this wonderful moment that is making me think about life and the beauty that surrounds it. 

Gratitude 

To be grateful for what we have, who we have and what we do, that's the main aim of this little book. Being thankful of the memories we have which push us forward in day to day life. I'd say this was my second favourite of the four as it made me wake up the next day and say out loud three things I am thankful and grateful for (one of the exercises in the book) - my boyfriend Ryan, my family and my dogs. Doing this everyday makes me realise how wonderfully lucky I am. 

"Today I am grateful for everyday magic" 

-----

These books are wonderful, I loved reading them and I look back at them when I can just to get more ideas on what I can do to help my recovery.

I'd recommend them 100% to anyone going through recovery right now. They really do make you think.

You can purchase these here at just £5.99 a piece. I know I'm going to be using them and thank Dani DiPirro for creating these thoughtful little books. 

Thanks for reading guys and I'll be back on top of these posts shortly! 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

World Mental Health Day 2016

Hi everyone!

It's World Mental Health Day today, I don't know why this day always make me think so much (like I don't do that enough anyway) - but it makes me reflect, where I'm at, where I'm going, how far I've come.

I'll be honest I'm still struggling, the struggle is so real. I'm getting there though. My therapy sessions are coming towards the end and I could've cried when I realised last week that this was the case. I don't know why I felt emotional, but I've built up such a trust and faith in my therapist it's going to be very strange not seeing her every week. I'm learning new techniques, trying to apply them, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.

One of the biggest steps I've taken recently is after a conversation I had with my eating nurse a couple of weeks ago. I was weighed, as per usual, the weight wasn't going up too much. My eating disordered head was pleased about this, my sensible head still confused. I asked the question "so, what weight do you want me to be at to be classed as healthy?" I was asking this for my own peace of mind. We went through previous weights and she told me where I should ideally be but really in recovery you're classed as being healthy when you have your periods return.

I wouldn't know this though as I've been on the contraceptive pill since I was fourteen due to being anaemic and obviously now because of doing the frickle frackle. A period on the pill is not 'real' as it were, it sounds strange and I still don't really understand. I never listened in biology lolz. Anyway, the thought took over me like "WHAT IF I'M NOT HAVING MY PERIODS AND I DON'T GET THEM BACK AND I CAN'T HAVE BABIES!?!?!?!?!" My whole life is leading up to the day I pop out children and have a family and a house and a husband. If I've screwed that up for myself by listening to a little demon in my head making me not eat then I would simply never forgive myself.

I made the decision to come off the pill because of this, this is the biggest step I think I have made in my recovery! A positive one, because it shows I want to know where my body is at, what I have to work to and where this is all going.

I'm proud of myself for that. FYI - I'M NOT HAVING BABIES YET. Unless all that bloating I get is due to a nugget in my belly or just due to the eating disorder recovery...let's think logically here.

In terms of depression, I'm doing okay you know. My job gets me done, again I'm being positive about this and looking for new ones to try and better myself there.

I've learnt to distract myself better than I've ever done in the past. I've always been too occupied in my own brain to focus on other things. But I've been doing my prints, having nice baths with Lush bath bombs and chilling watching telly surrounded by candles. I'm doing okay.

I have such a long way to go, I have to learn to accept myself like my therapist always teaches me to say "I completely love and accept myself". It's just learning to believe it.

I'll get there, I hope.

I see other people who have suffered who are radiant, enjoying life, not worried about the size of their thighs or their chubby little cheeks. I want to get there one day.

I admire anyone who recovers from a mental illness and that is what today is all about. Love and support one another on their journeys, recognise the difficulties other people face and help them get to the end of that journey.

It's all a journey, one we can all get through when we believe we deserve the happiness that is at the end of it all.

All the love xxxx

P.S. As it is World Mental Health Day 2016 please check out my Mental Health prints over on Vicious Prints! 25% of the price of the print is donated to the Mental Health charity MIND.

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The One Where I Make Gingerbead Autumn Cookies.

Hey everyone,

I've had a few really crap days hence the no 'Positive Tuesdays' post because quite frankly even though the whole point is the pick the best parts out of the week, I just couldn't. I could not sit down and do that yesterday and I am sorry for my negative vibes.

Today I took my mind off of things and saw my mum then came home to bake some Gingerbread Cookies with the cookie cutters I purchased earlier in the day!

I used a recipe from BBC Goodf Food, as per usual I always go there for recipes.

£2.49 from TKMaxx

They turned out really nice, gooey in the middle! They're so cute for Autumn, and you know me, I LOVE AUTUMN. TKMaxx had loads of sweet Halloween cookie cutters too so I shall be going there shortly to purchase some more. 

It's so nice living in my own little house doing some baking, I was adulting so hard. I also iced them (badly) and put cinnamon in the icing, Autumn was all up in my face. 

Let me see your seasonal cookies if you've done any! 

Urban Outfitters Autumn Wishlist.

Hey everyone! I hope you are all well.

I'm going to start a new little series of doing my Autumn wish lists from some high street stores. I hope you enjoy, my style is very plain and simple so it may not be for everyone but some of the items are sweet that I've picked out. If only I had endless money hey! 

Here's the first in the series of these... 

Urban Outfitters:

L - R 

Urban Renewal Tie-Dye Sweatshirt - £36.00

Urban Renewal Maroon Ribbed Beanie - £10.00

Velvet Mini Backpack - £36.00

Pinafore Dress - £46.00

Urban Renewal Grey Plaid Shirt - £28.00

Purple Dark Liquid T-Shirt - £28.00

Black Dark Lurex Oversized T-Shirt - £26.00

Vans Old Skool Maroon Trainers - £60.00

Geo Print Scarf - £24.00

Some sweet little things from Autumn which I hope to get my hands on a few bits when pay day shows its face, hiiiiiiiiiiii. 

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Topshop Autumn Wishlist.

Hey guys! 

Again, another Autumn wish list from high street stores. I've noticed in these I haven't really been picking Autumnal colours. But then again, I've never ever been one to do that anyway. In Summer it's black, in Winter it's black. Every season is black with a mix of some colour here and there. I also haven't really found too many accessories for Autumn that I've really like as of yet. In terms of Topshop it really is my favourite high street store  but right now I'm just waiting for them to get more nice stuff in, they're not top of my list right now I'm afraid...sorry my beloved (I do still love you 5evz)

Here we go with todays Autumn wish list! 

Topshop: 

L - R 

Corded Velet Pinafore Dress - £32.00 

Collar Shift Dress - £75.00

Utility Mini Pinafore Dress - £35.00

Black Holey Long Line Jumper - £42.00

Pink Cocoon Horizontal Jumper - £36.00

Rambler Tapestry Skirt - £36.00

Red Soft Touch Cap - £10.00 

Black Super Ripped Mom Jeans - £45.00

Mixed Stripe Top - £22.00

There you have it, some of these are beauts and I beg the Gods to drop some money right in my face... right now, please, do it! 

Have you seen much lately on Topshop that tickles your fancy for Autumn? Let me know in the comments! 

Don't forget to follow me on Bloglovin for updates. (And all my other social media that can be found on my page!) 

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Autumn 2016 Tag!

Hey everyone! It's been a wonderful, cold, rainy day - my fave. I'm sat in my cosy house and came across an Autumn tag on Twitter that another blogger had done and thought I would do it for you to embrace the Autumn. I'm calling everything I do related to Autumn, my Autumn rain dance. IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING. 

Do enjoy! 

1. Drinks - What's your favourite seasonal drink from Starbucks?

I really do enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte at this time of year, it's just natural. Although, in Ireland we ordered a Pumpkin Spice Frapp - they did not blend this, it was just an iced Latte. It was wanl. 

2. Accessories - What do you option for? Scarf, boots, gloves?

Black. My accessory is black. HAHA, oh my god no I really need to branch out this Autumn and get some cute little autumnal colours in my wardrobe. I need a nice mustard scarf, some dark red gloves, etc, etc. I'll have a look round, perhaps even do an Autumn wish list...

3.  Music - What's your favourite music to listen to during Autumn? 

During Autumn? My music taste does not tend to change with the seasons, but I'm currently obsessed with The 1975s album which I have been for months. I'm sure it'll make me feel 100x more dramatic when it's cold and windy. 

4. Perfume - What's your favourite scent for this time of year? 

Apple and cinnamon at this time of year is a bloody winner, holy moly. I cannot wait to go out and get some candles and sprays for the house in this scent! Back home at my mums she would always by an air freshener in that scent and it would just smell like home. It would smell cosy and I used to love coming home from school/work because it just felt warm with that smell. 

5. Candles - What scents will you be burning this season? 

As previously stated I'm going to go shopping for some cinnamon scented candles shortly! 

6. What do you love most about Autumn? 

I love the cosiness of the cold evenings. I'm strange and I would take cold, windy weather over the sun anyday. (Hello, I have a tattoo of an umbrella and rain) ((I might even get an autumnal leaf shortly, watch me)) I love the colours of the leaves, the crisp morning walks, the warmth of your house when the lights are out and it's just your lamps on. The blankets, the slippers and the cosy pyjamas. Waiting for Halloween knowing Christmas is just around the corner! 

7. Make up - Favourite makeup look? 

Okay, so you know me I don't wear too much make up! But I really have been looking at so many bloggers/instas and see some adorable looks. I'd never be able to pull them off but I can admire from afar. Perhaps I will, but I'll probably stick with my normal look. I woke up like this. 

8. What are you looking forward the most in Autumn? 

I want to make our new home look sweet and Autumn-ey. I want to buy and carve pumpkins with Ry again this year because last year was the first time I've ever done it. I can't wait to take my little dog out for Autumn walks over the park when I go to visit my mum, walks up the lane to work in the rain. Cosy evenings in with warm drinks and blankets! AGH BRING IT TO ME.

I hope you've enjoyed this, if you do the tag let me know I'd love to read your Autumn faves! 

Tips for Moving Out.

Hello you little beans,

As you know I have recently moved out, 4 weeks today to be exact! It's a massive thing, like I've left my mum and dad and abandoned my dogs. It's not quite that dramatic I just fuckin' miss my dogs. Anyway, it's huge and there's some things you should prepare for before you make the big step so I thought I'd stick my little nose in and help a bit! Here's some tips, enjoy! 

Discuss (relevant if you're moving out with another person):

Make sure you're on the same page and it is what you both want. Moving out is HUGE, you're about to share your entire life with someone else make sure it's what you want and what they want. Make sure you're willing to share your items, your mentality and your annoying habits with another human lollllzzzzzz.

Look at your money and future bills:

Prep in this area is key, work out what you earn monthly and the bills that need to go out (council tax, gas, electric, water, to license, television and Internet, food, petrol, mobile phones, etc, etc) ((FYI, it's a fuck tonne)) - make sure you have money to spare? Luckily we worked out that we can live comfortably and enjoy our money so sorting this out is so important to know what the future can hold for you.

To get a joint account or to not get a joint account:

For me and my boyfriend it was so much easier to go this way. We did this months ago before we were even in the house because it was simply easier to save. If you trust the other person and are happy to share even this part of your life then go for it. This takes me on to the next point....

SAVE:

Save everything you can, it's better to have more than not enough. We started saving in around November last year and we may have used some of that money for leisurely things like holidays but we also had enough when we had planned to move out (August) and everything went to plan! Just every month put a bit away and it all adds up and is actually such a great feeling to know you've got all of this money together yourself.

Buy in advance:

All the little bits and pieces you need for you house actually turns into a lot of bloody stuff. You forget about a sieve but who knew a sieve was actually really necessary?! Get together lots of bits, look in sales and whenever you go to a shop just pick something up! It all adds up and you'll move into your new home as prepared as you can be! Although you'll find that you're missing something as soon as you need it. I recommend supermarkets for home stuff more than anywhere else! 

Do not rush:

There's no need to rush, make sure you're ready to fly the nest, to leave your mothers womb and cut the umbilical cord. It's huge, it's emotional and sometimes lonely. It is what you make it and if you're ready it'll be one of the best times of your life.

File stuff:

Buy a big file from Staples or any other stationary store and put all of your bills/important documents in there. You're going to get a lot! So whenever you need to they are easily accessible and you won't get in a mare on the phone to the gas man. 

To rent or not to rent:

Are you in a stable position financially? Do you see yourself in that house for the next 10 years? No? Then rent. Where's the harm in starting off small and building up as you get older and wiser. I'm so happy we've decided to rent, no way on this earth would I get a mortgage wrapped around my neck at this age. I want to see houses and move and see new places, I'll get a mortgage when I'm fully financially stable and have a family! Although this is personal preference completely but it's a fucking huge decision that only you can make. 

Don't nag each other:

Did he not wash up properly? Did he not clean the toilet? Don't bite his head off. (This is a personal message to me) it'll all fall into place! You've brought your habits from one home to another, it'll take time to get used to one another's company constantly. We've been here 4 weeks and I'm learning new things about my lad every day, and sometimes I want to rip my head off but I love his ways. 

And that's that for todays post, have you seen my new layout?! Holy moly, I feel all grown up now lads. 

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Positive Tuesdays: The One When I Went To Ireland.

Hiiiiiii guys, it's Tuesday it's time to be positive about the previous week. I've had a great one but also a very, very tough one in my little brain. It's a strange feeling when you're stuck in your recovery, when you also feel so lonely but you have amazing people around you...you just need those extra ones to show they care. OKAY NO, this is not the name of the game, if I want to be a negative Nelly then I will make a whole new post.

Anyway, this week was full of fun! To be fair I missed the previous week because I was in Dublin last week, so I'm literally going to do the last 7 or so days.

On Monday last week I set up the house all cute for Ryans 21st as we were going to be away on his actual birthday. I wanted to make him feel a little spesh for the day and give him his presents. I got him a Funko Pop, of which he has 15,583 (approx.) a tattoo voucher, Fallout Monopoly, a really cool wooden carving of Jason from Friday the 13th and the trip to the Guinness Factory. He was happy, I was happy, we were all happy. We then had his parents round for dinner and that was sweet, it's nice having my family and then being accepted into another.

On Tuesday we went to Dublin! Something we've been stoked about for months, I love seeing different places with him. We can speak for hours on end, explore new cities and learn about new things so sharing that with someone is so sweet and I couldn't wish for anyone better. 

Sweet pub through to Dinner with a Guinness.

The next day was officially Ryans 21st birthday! We got up and strolled around Dublin, went to a Church and then off to the Guinness Storehouse which I think was like Ry's idea of heaven/Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. It was actually so cool and I would seriously recommend it to anyone going to Dublin. I hate Guinness, Guinness is not for a girl like me. In the evening I booked us to go to Beef & Lobster in Temple Bar in Dublin. It was GREAT, Lobster? Do I like Lobster? Not sure. The process was fun but perhaps just the once, it was a really sweet restaurant though so again I would recommend that 100%, I followed up the meal with a Prosecco ice lolly and man, I was super about that life.

The next day we went to the Zoo and okay I know not everyone agrees with Zoos, I am super in the middle. I love seeing the animals, I also wish they were out in the wild but I also know they are looked after in their little homes at the Zoo. I don't know man, this post isn't a place for a debate with myself. But my god, Dublin Zoo is incredible. The enclosures were huge, the animals seemed to be so free! The Orangutang's could swing from one enclosure to the other and they went right over you, no net or anything, it was a real 'you had to be there moment'. The Wolves were all howling together, a sound I've never heard in my life, insane. The baby elephants were all playing in their water together, it was adorable and it was one of the best days I've ever had with Ryan. 

Then the last couple of days were spent just looking around, enjoying the city and each others company. As per usual. 

I haven't done much since, we had an intense game of Monopoly last night and I won (yes, you know I did)  and it's little things like that which make me content and happy. Being around good people with good vibes.

How was your week? Tell me all the good things, I would love to hear. 

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An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Hello everyone,

You may wonder why I'm making something like this public, why I'm putting it on the internet? You know me, I'm so open about my mental health and would do anything I could to raise awareness and to get others to help themselves or help those around them. If this helps one person have more of an insight, if it helps one mum have a slight look into what is going on in their childs mind then that's all I want. I want to help, this small platform could do that, or so I hope. Here goes...

Dear my friend and my enemy, 

I say friend loosely...my enemy strongly. It's been tough hasn't it? These past few years, who knows when it all begun, when you creeped up behind me and tore me apart. I know you've been there for a while, a long time, too long. God, why did you come along? 

On one hand you've been my friend, my comfort and my safety blanket. When everything is a bit shit you've been there to fall back into. You've made me feel strong sometimes even at my weakest, we know someone with an eating disorder has strength like no other. The strength to deprive, that's just indescribable. The willpower to go through with lies and deceit. You made me lie to the people I love, you made me get angry to them, when that was never in my nature. Sometimes you fully took over and people recognised this. I didn't realise though, because I thought it was me. You'd taken over however, you had control. I liked that control though, sometimes I miss it. I miss the control we had when we could pick and choose when or what to eat or not to eat, the control of just running away from it all and going for stupidly long walks, just me and my brain. You made me feel safe, but that's the key word...feel. You made me feel a lot of things, happy though? Never.

You stole things from me. You stole other peoples trust from me, that is unforgivable. You stole a life and a future in my dream career from me that I don't even know if I wish for back, but I'm sad that I let it all go. At University you turned me into a mess, you had me laying on my bedroom floor taking pictures of my body to make sure my ribs were still sticking out like that was some sort of horrifying progress. You made me believe a tiny amount of food or none at all was enough for those beautiful long walks around London or for a full day of learning. All I learnt was that I was breaking before my eyes. 

I left that life behind, I had to. I left University because if I had stayed I would not be here now. You didn't stay there, you stayed with me. You never left. I wish you'd have left. 

You made my mum cry down the phone to me almost daily, she still does now and that is the most heartbreaking of all. The pain we have caused to other people, the constant questioning STILL of whether my size is acceptable. Why won't it stop? It's not fair. It's not fair on me or them. I can't believe I let something so strong take over and destroy so much. 

I'm finally starting to get my strength back to fight it, I couldn't fight you with such little mental strength. I had the strength to do all the wrong things but not the right. I want my mum to trust me on my own again, I have my own home but still I know she sits and worries that I am not eating. You still tell me not to. I want my boyfriend to not have to answer the same questions over and over again, they make no difference to you or I. I want to be happy and healthy, not weak and brittle and too tired for life. 

It's time to go, I've got to be on my own. You were there when I felt I had no one, but you're the one that pushed me into this darkness. It's over now, it has to be. 

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Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Everything to gain...

Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.

I've been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it's tricky. I've spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things - this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me... it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.

Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I've already lost myself - I have to get myself back.

Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you're scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it's SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I'm scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?

I even said the other day out loud "I miss how I was" I couldn't quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn't fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.

I don't think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.

To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don't want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn't actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn't like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.

I have strength to gain, I know I've lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don't trust myself to do it and I don't think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.

I have a lot of confidence to gain, I've never had it though. This has been the case forever, it's not something that has occurred with the ED - I've never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I'm not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.

I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won't have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.

See, when you're struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It's hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It's hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.

Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.

Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.