Self Worth.

Hi everyone, I hope you are doing well! 

It's been a while, my life has been a whirlwind since the last time I posted, the New Year really treated me to a multitude of shite all at once. Thanks Universe. 

I had to deal with a break up, leaving a house and my Grandad passing away all in the space of a couple of weeks. Firstly, I was broken, didn't think I'd be able to cope. Then my Grandad passed away and as much as I fucking miss him and wish he was still here, it put life and everything into perspective. 

I haven't let myself wallow, I haven't sat around crying like would be expected of me in this situation. It has been an awful time, but my God it's made me so much stronger.

Never, EVER in my life have I realised my self worth. Never have I wanted to get better mentally and physically. But all of this happened and some sort of switch turned on in my head. I realised I was worth so much more than the way I was treated, I realised that life is too short to sit around and suffer. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be well.

I've been enjoying myself since all of this happened, I'm the happiest I've been in such a long time and really, I am so proud of myself.

I finally realise that as a person I am worth love, kindness and attention from the people who I want to give attention and love back to. I'm so happy for myself.

I have realised I am worth more than my eating disorder, more than my anxiety and more than my depression. I've been eating whatever I wanted (of course with the off days, normal in recovery) - I've been going out and having fun, spending time with some lovely people and treating myself to nice things. This is the nicest I've felt in so long, I am finally ready to live my life.

I'm now weighing up my options about the future, I'm looking into going back to University with people behind me who support me and want me to succeed. I am in a really good place. 

Basically, know your worth guys. Just know that you are worth love, happiness and good health. Look after yourself and get rid of toxic people who bring you down, life is TOO SHORT PEOPLE. You are worth all of those days where you treat yourself to nice things, you are worth the time you spend on yourself and only yourself, you are worth self love and self respect, you are worth the respect you deserve from other people. You are just fucking amazing and embrace it. 

I'll be back soon with regular posts, I just need some well earned me time!

All the love, x 

Where am I at?

Hey everyone,

It's been a tough morning, I have to say. I'm going away this weekend and this always fills me with crippling anxiety - I don't know why. I think I've been building up to a bit of a breakdown all week and it happened this morning and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty that I let it get the better of me and I let it control whether or not I was going to go to work (I didn't) - I try to be positive on here, radiate positivity and pretend I'm doing just fine. I only ever come back on here when something really gets to me. This has really got to me, I feel terrible that I've let it get the better of me once again. I feel weak, I feel like a bad person and now I'm terrified I'll get fired. I am a bloody poo.

I need to realise that my mental health is important, some days I do realise this but then when it does this I just feel like I've failed. All the progress I've made was for nothing.

But then I remember that ups and downs are in fact essential in the recovery process, I've discussed that with my therapist. Without the downs I wouldn't be able to use my techniques that I've learnt to get me back up, going backwards is normal and important. It is human.

I guess I just feel like everyone around me works hard and I'm just slacking off, but then I never cut myself a break for this.

I've been doing okay you know, I've had to increase my intake of food to try and get my periods back (HELLLLLLO PERIOD TALK) and I'm more determined than ever to do this. I think that's been subtly pushing my buttons all week and it was only a matter of time before I said 'no, I need some me time'. This morning has been my me time, I'm just lucky that my work place understand even when I feel like I'm absolutely cheating them for doing stuff like this.

In other news though, I am in fact going away later today to London to visit my university friends. I've just gotta get through that initial anxiety that I get every single time I go away and enjoy myself.

I hope you're all well and plodding along with all of your positivity.

I'll be back soon with some less negative posts, I promise! x

An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Hello everyone,

You may wonder why I'm making something like this public, why I'm putting it on the internet? You know me, I'm so open about my mental health and would do anything I could to raise awareness and to get others to help themselves or help those around them. If this helps one person have more of an insight, if it helps one mum have a slight look into what is going on in their childs mind then that's all I want. I want to help, this small platform could do that, or so I hope. Here goes...

Dear my friend and my enemy, 

I say friend loosely...my enemy strongly. It's been tough hasn't it? These past few years, who knows when it all begun, when you creeped up behind me and tore me apart. I know you've been there for a while, a long time, too long. God, why did you come along? 

On one hand you've been my friend, my comfort and my safety blanket. When everything is a bit shit you've been there to fall back into. You've made me feel strong sometimes even at my weakest, we know someone with an eating disorder has strength like no other. The strength to deprive, that's just indescribable. The willpower to go through with lies and deceit. You made me lie to the people I love, you made me get angry to them, when that was never in my nature. Sometimes you fully took over and people recognised this. I didn't realise though, because I thought it was me. You'd taken over however, you had control. I liked that control though, sometimes I miss it. I miss the control we had when we could pick and choose when or what to eat or not to eat, the control of just running away from it all and going for stupidly long walks, just me and my brain. You made me feel safe, but that's the key word...feel. You made me feel a lot of things, happy though? Never.

You stole things from me. You stole other peoples trust from me, that is unforgivable. You stole a life and a future in my dream career from me that I don't even know if I wish for back, but I'm sad that I let it all go. At University you turned me into a mess, you had me laying on my bedroom floor taking pictures of my body to make sure my ribs were still sticking out like that was some sort of horrifying progress. You made me believe a tiny amount of food or none at all was enough for those beautiful long walks around London or for a full day of learning. All I learnt was that I was breaking before my eyes. 

I left that life behind, I had to. I left University because if I had stayed I would not be here now. You didn't stay there, you stayed with me. You never left. I wish you'd have left. 

You made my mum cry down the phone to me almost daily, she still does now and that is the most heartbreaking of all. The pain we have caused to other people, the constant questioning STILL of whether my size is acceptable. Why won't it stop? It's not fair. It's not fair on me or them. I can't believe I let something so strong take over and destroy so much. 

I'm finally starting to get my strength back to fight it, I couldn't fight you with such little mental strength. I had the strength to do all the wrong things but not the right. I want my mum to trust me on my own again, I have my own home but still I know she sits and worries that I am not eating. You still tell me not to. I want my boyfriend to not have to answer the same questions over and over again, they make no difference to you or I. I want to be happy and healthy, not weak and brittle and too tired for life. 

It's time to go, I've got to be on my own. You were there when I felt I had no one, but you're the one that pushed me into this darkness. It's over now, it has to be. 

SaveSave

Everything to gain...

Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.

I've been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it's tricky. I've spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things - this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me... it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.

Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I've already lost myself - I have to get myself back.

Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you're scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it's SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I'm scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?

I even said the other day out loud "I miss how I was" I couldn't quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn't fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.

I don't think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.

To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don't want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn't actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn't like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.

I have strength to gain, I know I've lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don't trust myself to do it and I don't think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.

I have a lot of confidence to gain, I've never had it though. This has been the case forever, it's not something that has occurred with the ED - I've never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I'm not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.

I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won't have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.

See, when you're struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It's hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It's hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.

Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.

Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.

My Experience: Cognitive Analytic Therapy - Week 1

Hi everyone,

As my blog recently is primarily focusing on my mental health and my journey within the recovery process I thought I would document the new therapy that I have started today. Of course I have been seeing an eating practitioner since September, one before Christmas and one since Christmas - I really like her, and I've never built up such a relationship with anyone dealing with my mental health as much as I have with her. Which is the most important thing so you can be honest and let your feelings flow! 

Last week I met my new therapist which I have been waiting to see since September, I've seen many counsellors in the past and never found any of them helpful - sorry lads. However, this time it feels right and I feel like I can truly be helped onto the right path. In the past I have done CBT, and like anything some things work and some things don't, CBT was not for me and I insisted throughout my process that I did not want to do CBT  again. 

Here I am though, with my new therapist who today said she would like to try 'CAT' with me, that's Cognitive Analytic Therapy. 

'CAT stands for Cognitive Analytic Therapy; a collaborative programme for looking at the way a person thinks, feels and acts, and the events and relationships that underlie these experiences (often from childhood or earlier in life). As its name suggests, it brings together ideas and understanding from different therapies into one user-friendly and effective therapy.' - ACAT

I was told I would be doing at least 16 sessions, SIXTEEN. That's 16 weeks, four months, I don't know why but this made me so happy. Usually I'd be sighing the shit out of something like that, but the time and effort that is being put into making me feel better is heart warming really. I've never wanted to praise the mental health system as much as I do at the moment. 

We went through some pages today, like a questionnaire of some sort which looked at things like traps, snags and states. So states I get myself in, the first one was 'Zombie' - I have felt like a total zombie for a few days now so I immediately was like yES, THAT'S ME. My therapist asked me how it felt to know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, because there is tonnes and tonnes of stuff in CAT to help people just like me.

Honestly, it feels strange because with mental illnesses you feel so isolated and alone it is weird to think someone else in the world is sitting in their room just like you, in silence with nothing but their thoughts to guide them through. 

We also spoke about how my anxiety is a comfort to me...and how the last few days I have felt empty and alone and I'm not used to being 'empty'. If I'm not thinking about my health or all of the 34875844 things I think about then what is there left to think about? No idea. Very strange, my mental health is really all I know.  My mental health has kept me company for years and when it feels like it's not around I guess I do feel lost. I need to let that all go however and I feel like this form of therapy really is going to help. 

I really want to document my journey, please let me know if you have had an experience going through CAT I would really love to hear you experiences! 

Until next time x x x

Physical VS. Mental

Hiiiiii,

So something that has really been bothering me recently is the difference in how mental illnesses are treated in comparison with physical. I personally, feel like I'm just being silly and weak if I need time for myself because everything is getting too much but my Eating Practitioner said to me "would you feel the same if you had a broken leg?" - of course not, I'd be laying on that sofa watching crap day time telly with no guilt whatsoever.

I've had a few moments recently where I physically cannot face the world, I can only face a few and that's my family, Ryan and my best friend Ben. Everyone else I can't stand the thought of socialising with and that is tough. It's tough especially when you have a full time job and are saving to move out so every time you need to get out of it all you feel like you're letting everyone down.

But it's true, if it was a physical illness the guilt just isn't there. No one can see truly how you feel sometimes though, sometimes getting up out of bed is the biggest struggle you'll face that day and isn't that just sad? Something so normal to everyone else is so hard to you that day. I know it's become a frequent occurrence recently and it makes me feel lazy and weak and I hate that.

In reality I know I'm not weak, I'm ill and sometimes I honestly forget that my own mental health is actually an illness because the stigma still stands. My mental health affects me so much more than I'd like to admit, or wish that it did. I feel so physically ill on days because of it and I'm struggling to understand it lately even though it has been going on for so many years.

I'm trying to figure out why and how all of this started, maybe when I get there it will finally all come to an end. I'm just lucky that right now I'm being treated by the best team I've ever had and I'm praising the mental health system for the first time in 10 years.

Really, what I want to say to anyone who feels the same is that it IS okay to need some time out. If your mental health is really taking over so much, take a step back and remember what you're fighting for. Look after yourself, watch some shite telly and eat some comfort food - look after you for once. Your mind is just as important as a broken leg, a sore throat, or a headache so take it easy.

Til' next time x x x

Continuing the fight.

Hi hi hi,

I haven't posted since October, oh me. It's been a mare of a few months, here's a short summary - I'm employed (do I enjoy it? I shall not disclose that on the internet) ((take from that what you will)), I'm still with that Ryry Evz and we're saving to move out, joint bank account and all! But more importantly, I'm still suffering with that eating disorder and depression that is being a cheeky mother fucker and just does not want to budge out of my life.

Let's get into it, the last time I posted I was just starting my time at the eating disorder clinic in my town, by Christmas my nurse left and in the new year I started seeing a new lady. This lady is really, really helping me. However, I'm still struggling so much it's hard to see when the end of the journey will come.

All in all, the whole process is so difficult that I don't quite understand how anyone gets through recovery. I try my best every single day, but during that time the little ED in my head is nagging at me about what I've eaten, what I'm going to eat, how I look, how other people will see me and the feeling of my entire body - it's exhausting.

I'm not sure people really speak about the way they feel about it, anorexia is a very secretive illness. I know that from experience, I don't really speak about it with anyone apart from the relevant people but it saddens me when some people never, ever speak about it and suffer with the thoughts. I understand it, it IS draining and painful. To think so badly about yourself and not be able to stop, it's heart breaking to step out of my skin sometimes and look at myself and see what I'm doing.

I see it as being two different people, and so do the people around me. There's me, the girl who has always wanted to have a laugh, loveable, a fighter. Then there's the anorexic side of me, the one who gets angry at everyone, especially myself, the one who stops the sensible me from reaching a full recovery. A constant battle between myself and someone else who has become a part of me, one maybe my mind is too afraid to let go of.

But I have to let go, I need to. There's no two ways about it, I really need to get the strength to stick to my meal plan, realise that the food is my medicine and not my enemy, that food doesn't equal fat, it actually equals life. God dammit, I need to take my own bloody advice.

I cannot ever stress it enough how important it is to talk about your mental illnesses, I want the entire world to know this however my presence on Earth just isn't as big as I would like it to be to make this get out to every single human. But if you read this, yes you, and you're struggling please talk to someone. Do not suffer, you just don't deserve to fight that battle alone.

Sigh, another post about mental health - I guess that's all I really know!

Taking control.

Today I said something out loud that I've never really spent the time thinking too much about. On my way home from an appointment with my eating disorder practitioner, after realising that I really AM fully on the road to recovery I realised that I am afraid to be okay.

I said to my mum and my brother "I'm scared to not have anything anymore" - it sounds RIDICULOUS. But it was followed by a tonne of tears and a crying headache. It's the truth though, I feel like I am afraid of being okay because like I also said to them, I don't know who or what I am without these problems I seem to have grown up with since I was at least 10 years old.

From the age of 10 I've suffered with anxiety (health, general, social), depression, OCD and this bloody eating disorder. Who the fricken shit am I without all of these?! This person I am is all I know, I don't know who the 'real Shannon' is and it's pretty terrifying.

My brother and my mum went on to say "when you're being funny with that dry sarcastic sense of humour that's the real you, when you're with Ryan, that's you" and it's just odd that everyone else sees these aspects of 'me' that I don't even recognise as me most of the time.

My mum said that I'm somewhat going through a grieving process for the little knicks in my head that have controlled the way I've thought, the way I've lived and gone through my life over the years. She said that it's all horrible thoughts though, and when it's all gone and all better I'll just be...me?

IT IS A VERY STRANGE CONCEPT TO ACTUALLY GET MY HEAD AROUND. I've just never took the time to sit down and think about it, to realise that perhaps that's whats been holding me back. Because I'm too afraid to let go and be okay...as much as I really want to there is all these things in my head holding me back and I guess that's precisely what mental illnesses are. They try to take over your whole life, sometimes succeeding and not wanting to budge when you're taking control and doing something about it.

It can be repeated time and time again, I, you, we, are not our mental illnesses. We are who we are, we are the people who have our whitty, unique ways of living, probably funny (am I blowing my own trumpet? you bet your ass I am), loving, kind and caring people who have so much more to live for and so many more people who love us and to make proud. We don't need to let the shit in our heads hold us back, it's just a matter of finally taking control.

My boyfriend said that I'm feeling like this because new things are scary, that's it I guess. The feeling of being truly happy and okay in my mind is something I've never really known, it's new but it's nice, right? And why should I be afraid of that...

It's just a matter of time before I can finally say I'm there, I'M OKAY. I'm terrified, but I'm so open to letting it happen, to let the things in my head finally go and live the life I've always wanted to. Oh, what a day.

World Mental Health Day 2015

Hi hi hi, I never post anymore I am a poop head I'm sorry! I just have so much going on (that's a complete and utter lie, I'm unemployed, I have nothing to do)

It's world mental health day, a day close to my little heart. You know me, I'm very open about my mental health, it's very important to speak about it and keep it alive! The worlds backs should never be turned on the concept of somebodies mental health, keep talking about it and keep looking after each other - pEACE OUT.

I'm not actually done at all, I've not even begun! Where is my mental health at I hear you eagerly ask of course?! It's down the toilet with all the other poop in my life. I'm on the road to recovery, truly, I feel like I've been in this position about a million and one times in my life but this time if real recovery isn't at the end of the tunnel then I might just have to punch myself in the tit.

What's going on? What am I doing? I'm still on my anti-depressants, although they've helped me so, so much I feel it is time to ween myself off of them. My family might not be quite on board with the idea, but I really have the best support system I've had in 20 years and it's time I got off the medication and did it on my own. I will never criticise the power of these anti-depressants however, they've been a life saver. The past 10 months I've been on them have been amazingly different in some aspects, I'm not sure what state I would be in if I didn't get put on them in December - I thank science for creating such a thing. They really are a godsend.

I'm also now at an Eating Disorder clinic, with a really lovely lady! She is the best counsellor/practitioner I've had, ever. She understands, she's not lying to me and she wants to help me get better. I went there and she said to me "I promise you, we are not here to fatten you up, to turn you into a sumo wrestler" and the little ana bitch in my head likes to tell me I'm a lump of poo but my practitioner also told me to listen to those who love me, those around me who adore me for who I am and not to listen to the person in my mind wanting to ruin it all for me.

I'm on a 3 meal a day meal plan, hard to stick to but I will get there! I have so much to fight for, I have myself, my family, my friends, my cute little dogs and my wonderful boyfriend. The end of all this is near, true happiness awaits and I can't wait to reach that point in my life.

Mental health will never die, unfortunately. But as a society we can do all we can to fight it, fighting our own minds is never ideal but to reach happiness and to be content with our lives and ourselves it's what we must do. Never give up the fight! Show the cocks in your brain who is boss. Take control of your own life!

All the love in the world to anyone fighting, enjoy world mental health day by doing something you love - treat yourself! Remember what there is to love in the world.

x x x

To be okay…

Helloooo! Today (or this evening) I wanted to talk about the recovery I'm going through at the moment and people may possibly be able to relate to the way I have felt throughout. 

My journey to health and happiness has been ongoing, as has my illness. My mental state is one that I've been open about because it's gone on since I was 10 years old. My recovery truly started in December, however I have had many forms of counselling in the past. 

What I really want to talk about is the time when I started on anti depressants in December of 2014. 10mg a day is what I started on and what I am still on, I had been reluctant beforehand to go on medication. Although the offer had never really been there because I was so young, I had never asked for it either because the thought of medication scared me but do you know what...I was so wrong. 

The first two weeks were crazy, with the medication comes quite strange side effects that the majority of people on the tablets experience so it was to be expected. I had nausea, absolutely no appetite (apart from pick n mix, ya I'm nearly 20, pick and mix RULES) I also looked high as a kite with dilated pupils, anyone would've thought I had been hot boxed I looked mad. But it all wore off and what came after was something I've never felt before - the feeling of being somewhat content. 

For years all I've ever known is a low mood, a low daily mood was all I ever felt. I'd wake up hoping for a new feeling but it just never happened as much as I wanted it and as much as I tried, the world just wasn't my friend. But these tablets started to change me and it was quite amazing. 

I hadn't felt content like that in God knows how long, it was strange. A week in January/February I sat in my room at university in London and I felt empty, not in a bad way but not in a good way either. Usually my mind would be on overdrive but it wasn't, there was nothing there and I didn't know how to feel about it. I rung my mum, cried and told her I felt weird and lost and she responded by saying something along the lines of "it's because you're not worrying, you're not sad and you're not used to it" and that was true! I never knew what it felt like to have a stress free mind, a mind which just wasn't fussed about silly little things that I was usually bothered about, it was scary to be...okay? 

I feel like many people get like that in their recovery from mental illnesses, we are so used to not being okay that we settle and once it changes and we start to feel okay it's all weird and abnormal. Really, it's the way we deserve to feel, of course. We really do deserve to be okay, to be more than okay! To feel amazing and that's where I want to end up, I'm still on that journey. 

Eventually it all becomes okay, and feeling okay is the norm. All the sad times and the bummed out feelings become a distant memory. The way I see it I've fought my mind and come out so strong (however, with a long way to go still) and I'm here to continue the fight. 

Good luck to you if you are also fighting for happiness, you rule x