You're Doing Okay

Hey everyone!

Firstly I'd like to say a Happy New Year to you all, let's make it one full of positivity and love and all the good shit.

I've slacked so much on the blog lately and I've said this a billion times on here but my motivation has been fucked. I have been poorly over Christmas and not wanted to do a thing let alone blog.

I've got some blog ideas in my head so they'll come shortly, you know, the usual 2017 goals, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

For now though I wanted to just talk about what's going on, where I'm at, how I'm feeeeeeeeeling. Hi my name is Shannon and I suffer from an eating disorder, all kinds of anxiety and depression... this is your cue to say HIIIII SHANNON.

I thought I was doing so well, I thought I was proper tackling the eating disorder and following my meal plan to a T. But then I got a vomiting bug on top of being generally poorly (I still am, why God why!?) and there I was with my eating nurse yesterday to find out I've not gained weight at all. Fuck the fuck off body, fuck off.

I have been trying so hard to get better, so hard to be happy and so hard to get my blob back and this is the way my body treats me? I suppose it makes sense considering I've treated it like crap for the past however many years.

I was disappointed in myself, I felt like the biggest failure ever. I left and cried and cried, saw my friend and cried, saw my boyfriend and cried. I just feel awful about trying so hard and not seeing any results. I think that is the worst thing about it. I want to physically see results, feel the results and feel like there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.

I've relapsed more times than I can tell in my recovery, that's normal and no one would ever judge. I'm just my own biggest judge.

Then I told myself to shut the heck up and get on with it, add some more to my meal plan and not let that little voice tell me I'm just going to balloon and be awful.

I'm doing okay. I realised that I really am doing okay, I'm holding up a job, a relationship and running a house all while trying to get myself better. I've wanted to give up on all of those things multiple times recently because my mind just can't handle it but I haven't and I'm very proud of myself.

I want people to know that it is okay to be disappointed but really, don't be. You really are doing just fine, if you need time away from everything too, that's fine. I did that, I do that most months when work just gets a bit too much - I take time away from it because that is what my mind and body needs. Sometimes it really is too much.

If you're struggling and you need time for you, do it. You are the most important thing in your recovery, jobs, partners, friends, houses, they'll always be there at the end of the day. But you? You need to be there to appreciate all of these things when you're ready to. Look after yourself, treat yourself. Be kind and let yourself know that you're doing just fine. You're working your hardest at getting through the shit.

I think I say these things as an indirect way to speak to myself but I also want anyone who reads this to feel okay.

As I said, I'll be blogging more (hopefully when I feel better and my brain wants to cooperate with me) but again, happy new year! Enjoy and make it all worthwhile.

All the love, Shannon x

World Mental Health Day 2016

Hi everyone!

It's World Mental Health Day today, I don't know why this day always make me think so much (like I don't do that enough anyway) - but it makes me reflect, where I'm at, where I'm going, how far I've come.

I'll be honest I'm still struggling, the struggle is so real. I'm getting there though. My therapy sessions are coming towards the end and I could've cried when I realised last week that this was the case. I don't know why I felt emotional, but I've built up such a trust and faith in my therapist it's going to be very strange not seeing her every week. I'm learning new techniques, trying to apply them, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.

One of the biggest steps I've taken recently is after a conversation I had with my eating nurse a couple of weeks ago. I was weighed, as per usual, the weight wasn't going up too much. My eating disordered head was pleased about this, my sensible head still confused. I asked the question "so, what weight do you want me to be at to be classed as healthy?" I was asking this for my own peace of mind. We went through previous weights and she told me where I should ideally be but really in recovery you're classed as being healthy when you have your periods return.

I wouldn't know this though as I've been on the contraceptive pill since I was fourteen due to being anaemic and obviously now because of doing the frickle frackle. A period on the pill is not 'real' as it were, it sounds strange and I still don't really understand. I never listened in biology lolz. Anyway, the thought took over me like "WHAT IF I'M NOT HAVING MY PERIODS AND I DON'T GET THEM BACK AND I CAN'T HAVE BABIES!?!?!?!?!" My whole life is leading up to the day I pop out children and have a family and a house and a husband. If I've screwed that up for myself by listening to a little demon in my head making me not eat then I would simply never forgive myself.

I made the decision to come off the pill because of this, this is the biggest step I think I have made in my recovery! A positive one, because it shows I want to know where my body is at, what I have to work to and where this is all going.

I'm proud of myself for that. FYI - I'M NOT HAVING BABIES YET. Unless all that bloating I get is due to a nugget in my belly or just due to the eating disorder recovery...let's think logically here.

In terms of depression, I'm doing okay you know. My job gets me done, again I'm being positive about this and looking for new ones to try and better myself there.

I've learnt to distract myself better than I've ever done in the past. I've always been too occupied in my own brain to focus on other things. But I've been doing my prints, having nice baths with Lush bath bombs and chilling watching telly surrounded by candles. I'm doing okay.

I have such a long way to go, I have to learn to accept myself like my therapist always teaches me to say "I completely love and accept myself". It's just learning to believe it.

I'll get there, I hope.

I see other people who have suffered who are radiant, enjoying life, not worried about the size of their thighs or their chubby little cheeks. I want to get there one day.

I admire anyone who recovers from a mental illness and that is what today is all about. Love and support one another on their journeys, recognise the difficulties other people face and help them get to the end of that journey.

It's all a journey, one we can all get through when we believe we deserve the happiness that is at the end of it all.

All the love xxxx

P.S. As it is World Mental Health Day 2016 please check out my Mental Health prints over on Vicious Prints! 25% of the price of the print is donated to the Mental Health charity MIND.

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An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Hello everyone,

You may wonder why I'm making something like this public, why I'm putting it on the internet? You know me, I'm so open about my mental health and would do anything I could to raise awareness and to get others to help themselves or help those around them. If this helps one person have more of an insight, if it helps one mum have a slight look into what is going on in their childs mind then that's all I want. I want to help, this small platform could do that, or so I hope. Here goes...

Dear my friend and my enemy, 

I say friend loosely...my enemy strongly. It's been tough hasn't it? These past few years, who knows when it all begun, when you creeped up behind me and tore me apart. I know you've been there for a while, a long time, too long. God, why did you come along? 

On one hand you've been my friend, my comfort and my safety blanket. When everything is a bit shit you've been there to fall back into. You've made me feel strong sometimes even at my weakest, we know someone with an eating disorder has strength like no other. The strength to deprive, that's just indescribable. The willpower to go through with lies and deceit. You made me lie to the people I love, you made me get angry to them, when that was never in my nature. Sometimes you fully took over and people recognised this. I didn't realise though, because I thought it was me. You'd taken over however, you had control. I liked that control though, sometimes I miss it. I miss the control we had when we could pick and choose when or what to eat or not to eat, the control of just running away from it all and going for stupidly long walks, just me and my brain. You made me feel safe, but that's the key word...feel. You made me feel a lot of things, happy though? Never.

You stole things from me. You stole other peoples trust from me, that is unforgivable. You stole a life and a future in my dream career from me that I don't even know if I wish for back, but I'm sad that I let it all go. At University you turned me into a mess, you had me laying on my bedroom floor taking pictures of my body to make sure my ribs were still sticking out like that was some sort of horrifying progress. You made me believe a tiny amount of food or none at all was enough for those beautiful long walks around London or for a full day of learning. All I learnt was that I was breaking before my eyes. 

I left that life behind, I had to. I left University because if I had stayed I would not be here now. You didn't stay there, you stayed with me. You never left. I wish you'd have left. 

You made my mum cry down the phone to me almost daily, she still does now and that is the most heartbreaking of all. The pain we have caused to other people, the constant questioning STILL of whether my size is acceptable. Why won't it stop? It's not fair. It's not fair on me or them. I can't believe I let something so strong take over and destroy so much. 

I'm finally starting to get my strength back to fight it, I couldn't fight you with such little mental strength. I had the strength to do all the wrong things but not the right. I want my mum to trust me on my own again, I have my own home but still I know she sits and worries that I am not eating. You still tell me not to. I want my boyfriend to not have to answer the same questions over and over again, they make no difference to you or I. I want to be happy and healthy, not weak and brittle and too tired for life. 

It's time to go, I've got to be on my own. You were there when I felt I had no one, but you're the one that pushed me into this darkness. It's over now, it has to be. 

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Everything to gain...

Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.

I've been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it's tricky. I've spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things - this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me... it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.

Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I've already lost myself - I have to get myself back.

Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you're scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it's SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I'm scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?

I even said the other day out loud "I miss how I was" I couldn't quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn't fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.

I don't think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.

To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don't want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn't actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn't like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.

I have strength to gain, I know I've lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don't trust myself to do it and I don't think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.

I have a lot of confidence to gain, I've never had it though. This has been the case forever, it's not something that has occurred with the ED - I've never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I'm not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.

I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won't have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.

See, when you're struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It's hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It's hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.

Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.

Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.

Update!

Hey everyone,

Oh me here again with more excuses as to why I haven't posted in a trillion years - I have many. I've moved house! I'VE ACTUALLY MOVED OUT. Myself and my boyfriend, Ryan moved out into our first little home together. It's so sweet, I am planning on doing a homeware post (am obsessed with homeware, have been since I left the womb - after I made that place all cosy of course.)

I've been working at the same job I've been working at since October, still there, still loving life :----------------------) take from the long ass smiley face what you will.

Finally, I've still been struggling with...stuff. I did one post on my Cognitive Analytical Therapy journey, ONE. I'm now on about session 12 out of 16 and I haven't posted any updates. How am I doing? Okay. I like the therapy and I like my therapist. That is really something I never thought I would be able to say. I'm going to miss my therapist when it comes to the inevitable end.

She is there to listen and help me grow and I am confused as to what I am supposed to do without her. I know I have loads of people around me, but she knows and she understands to the very smallest pieces of the problems. She helps me understand the problems myself that I didn't even fully get in the first place.

We've gone back to my childhood, pieces that could have contributed to the anxieties I have had for the majority of my life. It all makes sense, why do I have health anxiety? Perhaps the multiple hospital trips and operations traumatised me a bit and they're always at the back of my mind.

Ever since I can remember I have been terrified of needles, not tattoo needles though I'll have them poked in my skin anyday BUT IF YOU'RE TAKING BLOOD FROM ME I'LL LET OUT A NUG. I will never be a fan!

I've lived with health anxiety for a large number of years, the fear of dying is my biggest and it really is where I end up almost everyday when my anxieties get too month. One thing leads to another and it goes back there. I have a good day, feel I don't deserve it, oh what is that pain in my head?! It must be a brain tumour let's forget about the great day we've had and focus on that instead. Logical.

I have never felt like I deserve good things, I've no idea why. I moved into this house last week and two days later was full of dread and sadness, why the frick?! I was doing the thing I've wanted forever with the boy I've wanted forever but oh no, it's time to feel like crap about yourself.

Food, oh food. Where did the eating disorder start? Was it related to my low self esteem that probably stemmed from a problem I had inside my cheek when I was younger?! Maybe, it makes sense after all.

It all makes sense, I've been able to make sense of things for once and I can't wait to be fully able to do this and take all of the skills and tools I've been given at CAT and use them in my life everyday.

I can't wait for the day my recovery comes to an end, when I can say I'm no longer in recovery for I am recovered. Recovered from the eating disorder, depression and all the bloody anxiety. I can't wait and I'm so willing to keep trying my very best.

I love me and all of the hard work I do and I hope anyone else doing the same thing feels the same. You deserve that much.

I'll be back shortly to do a homeware post so keep your eyes peeled!

Physical VS. Mental

Hiiiiii,

So something that has really been bothering me recently is the difference in how mental illnesses are treated in comparison with physical. I personally, feel like I'm just being silly and weak if I need time for myself because everything is getting too much but my Eating Practitioner said to me "would you feel the same if you had a broken leg?" - of course not, I'd be laying on that sofa watching crap day time telly with no guilt whatsoever.

I've had a few moments recently where I physically cannot face the world, I can only face a few and that's my family, Ryan and my best friend Ben. Everyone else I can't stand the thought of socialising with and that is tough. It's tough especially when you have a full time job and are saving to move out so every time you need to get out of it all you feel like you're letting everyone down.

But it's true, if it was a physical illness the guilt just isn't there. No one can see truly how you feel sometimes though, sometimes getting up out of bed is the biggest struggle you'll face that day and isn't that just sad? Something so normal to everyone else is so hard to you that day. I know it's become a frequent occurrence recently and it makes me feel lazy and weak and I hate that.

In reality I know I'm not weak, I'm ill and sometimes I honestly forget that my own mental health is actually an illness because the stigma still stands. My mental health affects me so much more than I'd like to admit, or wish that it did. I feel so physically ill on days because of it and I'm struggling to understand it lately even though it has been going on for so many years.

I'm trying to figure out why and how all of this started, maybe when I get there it will finally all come to an end. I'm just lucky that right now I'm being treated by the best team I've ever had and I'm praising the mental health system for the first time in 10 years.

Really, what I want to say to anyone who feels the same is that it IS okay to need some time out. If your mental health is really taking over so much, take a step back and remember what you're fighting for. Look after yourself, watch some shite telly and eat some comfort food - look after you for once. Your mind is just as important as a broken leg, a sore throat, or a headache so take it easy.

Til' next time x x x

Continuing the fight.

Hi hi hi,

I haven't posted since October, oh me. It's been a mare of a few months, here's a short summary - I'm employed (do I enjoy it? I shall not disclose that on the internet) ((take from that what you will)), I'm still with that Ryry Evz and we're saving to move out, joint bank account and all! But more importantly, I'm still suffering with that eating disorder and depression that is being a cheeky mother fucker and just does not want to budge out of my life.

Let's get into it, the last time I posted I was just starting my time at the eating disorder clinic in my town, by Christmas my nurse left and in the new year I started seeing a new lady. This lady is really, really helping me. However, I'm still struggling so much it's hard to see when the end of the journey will come.

All in all, the whole process is so difficult that I don't quite understand how anyone gets through recovery. I try my best every single day, but during that time the little ED in my head is nagging at me about what I've eaten, what I'm going to eat, how I look, how other people will see me and the feeling of my entire body - it's exhausting.

I'm not sure people really speak about the way they feel about it, anorexia is a very secretive illness. I know that from experience, I don't really speak about it with anyone apart from the relevant people but it saddens me when some people never, ever speak about it and suffer with the thoughts. I understand it, it IS draining and painful. To think so badly about yourself and not be able to stop, it's heart breaking to step out of my skin sometimes and look at myself and see what I'm doing.

I see it as being two different people, and so do the people around me. There's me, the girl who has always wanted to have a laugh, loveable, a fighter. Then there's the anorexic side of me, the one who gets angry at everyone, especially myself, the one who stops the sensible me from reaching a full recovery. A constant battle between myself and someone else who has become a part of me, one maybe my mind is too afraid to let go of.

But I have to let go, I need to. There's no two ways about it, I really need to get the strength to stick to my meal plan, realise that the food is my medicine and not my enemy, that food doesn't equal fat, it actually equals life. God dammit, I need to take my own bloody advice.

I cannot ever stress it enough how important it is to talk about your mental illnesses, I want the entire world to know this however my presence on Earth just isn't as big as I would like it to be to make this get out to every single human. But if you read this, yes you, and you're struggling please talk to someone. Do not suffer, you just don't deserve to fight that battle alone.

Sigh, another post about mental health - I guess that's all I really know!

Taking control.

Today I said something out loud that I've never really spent the time thinking too much about. On my way home from an appointment with my eating disorder practitioner, after realising that I really AM fully on the road to recovery I realised that I am afraid to be okay.

I said to my mum and my brother "I'm scared to not have anything anymore" - it sounds RIDICULOUS. But it was followed by a tonne of tears and a crying headache. It's the truth though, I feel like I am afraid of being okay because like I also said to them, I don't know who or what I am without these problems I seem to have grown up with since I was at least 10 years old.

From the age of 10 I've suffered with anxiety (health, general, social), depression, OCD and this bloody eating disorder. Who the fricken shit am I without all of these?! This person I am is all I know, I don't know who the 'real Shannon' is and it's pretty terrifying.

My brother and my mum went on to say "when you're being funny with that dry sarcastic sense of humour that's the real you, when you're with Ryan, that's you" and it's just odd that everyone else sees these aspects of 'me' that I don't even recognise as me most of the time.

My mum said that I'm somewhat going through a grieving process for the little knicks in my head that have controlled the way I've thought, the way I've lived and gone through my life over the years. She said that it's all horrible thoughts though, and when it's all gone and all better I'll just be...me?

IT IS A VERY STRANGE CONCEPT TO ACTUALLY GET MY HEAD AROUND. I've just never took the time to sit down and think about it, to realise that perhaps that's whats been holding me back. Because I'm too afraid to let go and be okay...as much as I really want to there is all these things in my head holding me back and I guess that's precisely what mental illnesses are. They try to take over your whole life, sometimes succeeding and not wanting to budge when you're taking control and doing something about it.

It can be repeated time and time again, I, you, we, are not our mental illnesses. We are who we are, we are the people who have our whitty, unique ways of living, probably funny (am I blowing my own trumpet? you bet your ass I am), loving, kind and caring people who have so much more to live for and so many more people who love us and to make proud. We don't need to let the shit in our heads hold us back, it's just a matter of finally taking control.

My boyfriend said that I'm feeling like this because new things are scary, that's it I guess. The feeling of being truly happy and okay in my mind is something I've never really known, it's new but it's nice, right? And why should I be afraid of that...

It's just a matter of time before I can finally say I'm there, I'M OKAY. I'm terrified, but I'm so open to letting it happen, to let the things in my head finally go and live the life I've always wanted to. Oh, what a day.

World Mental Health Day 2015

Hi hi hi, I never post anymore I am a poop head I'm sorry! I just have so much going on (that's a complete and utter lie, I'm unemployed, I have nothing to do)

It's world mental health day, a day close to my little heart. You know me, I'm very open about my mental health, it's very important to speak about it and keep it alive! The worlds backs should never be turned on the concept of somebodies mental health, keep talking about it and keep looking after each other - pEACE OUT.

I'm not actually done at all, I've not even begun! Where is my mental health at I hear you eagerly ask of course?! It's down the toilet with all the other poop in my life. I'm on the road to recovery, truly, I feel like I've been in this position about a million and one times in my life but this time if real recovery isn't at the end of the tunnel then I might just have to punch myself in the tit.

What's going on? What am I doing? I'm still on my anti-depressants, although they've helped me so, so much I feel it is time to ween myself off of them. My family might not be quite on board with the idea, but I really have the best support system I've had in 20 years and it's time I got off the medication and did it on my own. I will never criticise the power of these anti-depressants however, they've been a life saver. The past 10 months I've been on them have been amazingly different in some aspects, I'm not sure what state I would be in if I didn't get put on them in December - I thank science for creating such a thing. They really are a godsend.

I'm also now at an Eating Disorder clinic, with a really lovely lady! She is the best counsellor/practitioner I've had, ever. She understands, she's not lying to me and she wants to help me get better. I went there and she said to me "I promise you, we are not here to fatten you up, to turn you into a sumo wrestler" and the little ana bitch in my head likes to tell me I'm a lump of poo but my practitioner also told me to listen to those who love me, those around me who adore me for who I am and not to listen to the person in my mind wanting to ruin it all for me.

I'm on a 3 meal a day meal plan, hard to stick to but I will get there! I have so much to fight for, I have myself, my family, my friends, my cute little dogs and my wonderful boyfriend. The end of all this is near, true happiness awaits and I can't wait to reach that point in my life.

Mental health will never die, unfortunately. But as a society we can do all we can to fight it, fighting our own minds is never ideal but to reach happiness and to be content with our lives and ourselves it's what we must do. Never give up the fight! Show the cocks in your brain who is boss. Take control of your own life!

All the love in the world to anyone fighting, enjoy world mental health day by doing something you love - treat yourself! Remember what there is to love in the world.

x x x

To be okay…

Helloooo! Today (or this evening) I wanted to talk about the recovery I'm going through at the moment and people may possibly be able to relate to the way I have felt throughout. 

My journey to health and happiness has been ongoing, as has my illness. My mental state is one that I've been open about because it's gone on since I was 10 years old. My recovery truly started in December, however I have had many forms of counselling in the past. 

What I really want to talk about is the time when I started on anti depressants in December of 2014. 10mg a day is what I started on and what I am still on, I had been reluctant beforehand to go on medication. Although the offer had never really been there because I was so young, I had never asked for it either because the thought of medication scared me but do you know what...I was so wrong. 

The first two weeks were crazy, with the medication comes quite strange side effects that the majority of people on the tablets experience so it was to be expected. I had nausea, absolutely no appetite (apart from pick n mix, ya I'm nearly 20, pick and mix RULES) I also looked high as a kite with dilated pupils, anyone would've thought I had been hot boxed I looked mad. But it all wore off and what came after was something I've never felt before - the feeling of being somewhat content. 

For years all I've ever known is a low mood, a low daily mood was all I ever felt. I'd wake up hoping for a new feeling but it just never happened as much as I wanted it and as much as I tried, the world just wasn't my friend. But these tablets started to change me and it was quite amazing. 

I hadn't felt content like that in God knows how long, it was strange. A week in January/February I sat in my room at university in London and I felt empty, not in a bad way but not in a good way either. Usually my mind would be on overdrive but it wasn't, there was nothing there and I didn't know how to feel about it. I rung my mum, cried and told her I felt weird and lost and she responded by saying something along the lines of "it's because you're not worrying, you're not sad and you're not used to it" and that was true! I never knew what it felt like to have a stress free mind, a mind which just wasn't fussed about silly little things that I was usually bothered about, it was scary to be...okay? 

I feel like many people get like that in their recovery from mental illnesses, we are so used to not being okay that we settle and once it changes and we start to feel okay it's all weird and abnormal. Really, it's the way we deserve to feel, of course. We really do deserve to be okay, to be more than okay! To feel amazing and that's where I want to end up, I'm still on that journey. 

Eventually it all becomes okay, and feeling okay is the norm. All the sad times and the bummed out feelings become a distant memory. The way I see it I've fought my mind and come out so strong (however, with a long way to go still) and I'm here to continue the fight. 

Good luck to you if you are also fighting for happiness, you rule x

Mental Health Awareness Week!

Hiya!

It's Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW) if you didn't know, and to me that's very important. At the start of the week I was like okay, I'm going to make this week count and try to fight all the bad things inside of my mind - unfortunately, like the fight against mental illnesses it hasn't gone to plan. So here I am, just wanting to speak about mental illnesses because if you've read my blog you'll know I'm open about it, if you know me in the real world and offline you'll know that I'm happy to speak about it because to me within the recovery of mental illnesses there is nothing more important than TALKING.

You know, my journey through all of my troubles started so many years ago that I cannot even pin point the exact moment, strange. But here I am, just 1 and a half months from being 20 years old and I'm still deep within the fight.

Things have got better, I can't deny that! Since starting on AD's in December I've come such a long way and I couldn't be more proud of myself in that sense. I never thought I'd see a day where I wouldn't feel sad at least once and it's been quite amazing to go through days and weeks without being as sad as I once was, not being /as/ filled with general anxiety to every day life and seeing life in a very new and different way. I am amazed at how well I've reacted to being on medication after being so sceptical towards it all in recent years, I should have definitely pushed for it years ago.

Despite all of my progress in some cases on my mental illnesses, I'm still struggling a lot with one part and that is my body/food. It's honestly one of the most mentally draining things I've been through with all of this and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. However, I have started the process to get better! Which I'm excited about (but also extremely scared about, because this life and mind is all I've known).

I don't know what it's like to enjoy food anymore, I don't know what if feels like to appreciate my body so when my process starts to getting better it's going to be strange but no doubt worth it! I can't wait to buy food because I want to enjoy it instead of buying food because I feel like it's the right thing to do.

I wanted to share all of this because it's so, SO, important to speak about it. Please, if you're reading this and you feel like you need to speak to someone about some problems you feel like you're having then do it. Do not hesitate, just speak to anyone - your parents, siblings, any family members, friends, online friends, a teacher, a work friend…ANYONE. It may not feel like it but there will always be someone there to talk.

It is so important to get the help even if it is a struggle to admit it. I know that it was a big thing for me to admit that I wanted and needed help but here I am, deep in my recovery and it's a lot better than spending my days in the dark like I once was.

I LOVE YA, KEEP SMILING x x x

Recovery.

Hi guys, gonna get serious on this mother. I will always say mental illness is one of the most important talking points, to keep it alive and don't let it slide under the carpet because it's important that people get better.

About a month ago I started to process of finally getting better, I'm still having to fight certain aspects of it like the food etc, but all in all I'm just simply getting better. I'm finally starting to feel okay in every day life, it feels weird and new because really I'm not used to feeling okay. I spent so much time being sad that I forgot what it was like to spend a day simply feeling okay.

I somewhat feel like my mind was fighting with me to not get better all this time and to stay living within the diagnosis of depression and stuff. To stay being miserable and hating life everyday but now I've finally started to kick it all away and I AM RECOVERING.

I feel weird saying I'm in recovery but I am, I'm finally getting a life that I've let myself miss out on and I'm finally seeing the world in a different way. I haven't had half as many days where I just want to lay in bed in silence since I started the process. That's so weird for me because those days would occur so often, more and more so as time went on. But I don't want to give in to that anymore.

I'm still struggling in certain ways but I'm hoping my inner strength will help me get through that and the amazing support of my family and friends.

Choose to recover because it is the best thing in the world. Make this year the year you leave that life behind and get the one back that you deserve.

Love Yourself From Day 1.

Hellloooo everyone!

As a part of my journey to happiness and good physical and mental health I have started going on walks and today I went on one - after I'd just had a really freakin good smoothie, damn I love myself for that smoothie - anyway, on this walk I was on a road on my estate and a girl ran past me, she looked about 11 or 12 years old. She was fully kitted out in running gear, she looked serious, man. She ran by like she was determined to get this run done but then she came to a sudden stop when she saw 2 boys probably her age in front of her. This made me sad. She clearly felt insecure, why? To me she looked like the perfect little size but she was obviously running for a reason. Maybe she simply likes running, maybe she wanted to do something to get herself out of the house in the holidays, maybe she wanted to get fit then I thought…what if she was doing it to lose weight? AND WELL, by that point I wanted to go over to her and tell her that she is a perfect little thing.

I could be completely wrong, I could have the wrong end of the stick. However, even if she was just running for fun there are girls (and boys) that young who get sucked into the whole 'losing weight' thing. Can you imagine your 11 year old sibling saying they wanted to lose weight, wouldn't you be horrified?! For me to even have the thought that this girl could've potentially be doing that run to lose weight just made me so sad.

I'm so sad that society has changed an entire generation and all the generations that are to come. Let's go back 30 years, did my parents worry about exercising when they were kids? No. Did I or my friends worry about exercising much when we were about 11 years old? No. I worried more about missing a show on Disney channel than food.

But then you grow up, food and weight becomes a daily thing that you think about and isn't that just absolutely infuriating. It's annoying because in reality we're probably all fine, but in your own head you don't feel ok, you feel like you're the wrong size, you feel like eating anything slightly bad is a sin and you're doing something terribly wrong. That's awful.

Kids, emphasis on KIDS, should not feel the need to go out on full blown runs at such a young age, by all means go and run down the park and hang out with your pals but to do it for the full purpose of exercise really gets to me. I'M JUST REALLY MAD THAT TODAYS CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THAT EXERCISING AND BEING SLIM IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING A CHILD AND HAVING FUN.

Of course, being healthy and exercising is a good thing, totally! But everyone is so focused on it now and we've forgotten what it's like to enjoy living, I know I have (but I'm working on getting my thoughts back on track, life will be sweet as soon) but I just wanted to stop this girl and ask her what she thought of herself. The mind of a young girl is a tough one and one that really sucks sometimes and it just makes me sad. It really is none of my business what this girls reason was but I'm just super worried that the world is corrupting even younger minds than I thought, and that's so very wrong.