You Bring Me Home.

Hello everyone, it's been a bloody long time hasn't it? If you weren't aware I've been spending a lot more time focussing on my YouTube channel and I seem to have abandoned my original outlet - this blog. If you want to watch me ramble, you can do so here

Anyway, on to todays post...

Look at my new little tattoo, isn’t it so perfect? 

I’ve done posts in the past about my tattoos and their meanings and this one is the one which people might be like “why the fuck have you done that” - you know what they say, don’t get anyone’s name tattooed on you. I learnt that from the best, my dad, I can still see a smidge of ‘Jackie’ and ‘Sharon’ under his weird tomato basket looking tattoo. My mums name is Paula, I don’t know these women and he learnt the hard way about getting names for tattoos. 

But then I’ve watched my mum ink her skin with my dads name 3 times, across her heart, on her wrist and on her wedding ring finger. My dad also has her name on his wedding ring finger, and I’ve always found it adorable. 

I don’t see anything wrong with inking your skin with an important name, why the fuck not?! Your body, your rules, right? 

My new tattoo is not a so painfully obvious declaration of love as it would be if I’d got “I LOVE YOU DANIEL MURDZZZZ” on my forehead. It’s song lyrics which I associate with my love for him. 

Mad? Weird? Absolutely crackers? Maybe. But I like to express my feelings in many a way. I always have, I am a creative person with a busy mind. How can I possibly show the person I love how much I love everything they’ve ever made me feel? I know, mark it on my body forever for him to see every day. He will then know all that he’s done for me. 

“You bring me home” - simple, and why does my love ‘bring me home’ I hear you ask? He is my home. 

He’s shown me love like no other, he’s cared for me in the darkest of times. He’s laughed with me at the highest of highs and cried at the lowest of lows. He’s there at the end of the day, he’s there in the middle so we can ask each other how badly our days are going. He cuddles me to sleep, he wofts his morning breath my way in the morning. He’ll eat nasty Tesco chicken nuggets with me and moan about the pointless use of garlic. He is my other half and he is my home. He is my love and he is my home. He’s seen me go from bad to worse, but at the end he’s brought me home. He is my home. 

I adore this human with all of my heart, and I will express my love for him in many forms of art. I will write him letters, type write little things I love about him and put them in a box, I will send him smooshy, unreasonable texts at silly hours of the day. I will love him with every piece of me and he will do the same back. He’s special. 

He is my home and this one is for you, Dan. 

(Let’s hope we don’t break up, if we do this tattoo is harry styles lyrics n I just love harry styles OKAY?)

Mental Health: A Boyfriends Point Of View

Hello everyone!

Happy Sunday, here we are, part two of my three blog posts with my loved ones on mental health. This time it is with my boyfriend, Dan. I have spoken about Dan so many times on this blog and in real life, he is my main talking point.

I've spoken about being in love when having anxiety before here - it's fucking hard. It is so hard, to put someone through something when they have the choice to leave, it's hard to try and hold on to someone. But with Dan, I don't feel like that although I will always say to him "you could have a much easier life with someone else" he has not once said he wants to run away, not once. He has been my safe place since day one, he's amazing. I love him very much.

Here is Dans point of view...

"Hello to everyone who reads Shannons blog, either to find inspiration with their own struggles or finds comfort in something they can relate to. 

Firstly I would like to give you a bit of background on how me and Shannon met, it probably is a rather typical way of meeting people these days as we met on Tinder.  This was a way we didn’t really expect to meet anyone, it all started with me leaving my phone in my best friends car, I came up with a stupid message that I had to drive all the way to his just so I can message her.  Stupid and cringe I know! Please forgive me….. 

Either way from that moment me and Shannon have been non stop talking and I found a truly beautiful and wonderful person. 

Although Shannon had always been open about her health anxiety and always been open about having an eating disorder, I had never truly experienced these things in person. I have to be honest, mental health was something I didn’t understand or take seriously. To anyone who hasn’t seen mental health or experienced it themselves first hand I totally understand why you would think ‘just let it pass’, ‘get a grip and get over it’...I have been there, but I have to say I was wrong and if anyone does think that, well it couldn’t be further from the truth.

The first two months I saw none of Shannons mental health struggles and I thought ahh here we go… It doesn’t exist… EVERYTHING was amazing, we fell in love (quickly) but sometimes when you know you know. This was totally the case with me and Shannon. I have never met anyone I can relate to more, never met anyone with so much depth and beauty! But this girl was and still is right there in front of me. I want you all to know that even though this all changed when her mental health started to grow and became a part of my life the way I feel about her has never changed. I still see the smiles the laughter and amazing person SHE is. Through the pain, the upset and the bad days, there are amazing days and memories we have made that I will cherish for the rest of our lives.

Shannon has told me to be totally honest, say if things make me mad, angry, sad and to tell you all if I  ever have thought "you know what FUCK THIS I am out of here".  There are times that I get angry, of course there is. I have my own crap days, tough days at work/home. This means sometimes my patience before I see ‘RED’ is a little bit lower or I have little less I can handle. I know that Shannon totally understands this, she doesn’t want her mental health problems to hurt me, anger me, the words she says just come out. That, in my eyes isn’t her saying them, they are this completely different persona feeding her these things to say out loud. 

I come home and JUST before I walk in I think "what Shannon am I getting today?" I pray everyday that I come in and she is smiling. I know that isn’t always going to be the case, but it doesn’t stop me begging for it. Although Shannon is ALWAYS happy to see me come through that door her reasons maybe different at times, this is the same with anyone. Sometimes its so she can unload the crap day she has had and the crap day I have had. Sometimes it is because she genuinely is happy to see me. But someone suffering with health anxiety also thinks "OH MY GOD DANS HOME he can tell me if I am okay". I get questions like 'do my eyes look okay?' 'My head hurts is it a brain tumour?' Now I can tell you my job isn’t a doctor I work for Nationwide Building Society……. So answering these questions only comes down to me knowing the real issue. Shannon is suffering with an illness, but its not the illness that she thinks (brain tumours, cancer, more recently tetanus) it is her health anxiety. These are the reasons I can say tell her 'no its not this' or 'yes that is normal…' 

As I previously said when me and Shannon first got together I didn’t see any of this. The first month we had nothing but happiness in each others company. I think when you get that first stage of a relationship nothing will ruin it… After that I actually totally relied on her as the other most important lady in my life got struck down with her own mental health issues. Of course that person is my mum… I had to be at home A LOT and away from Shannon and be there for my mum and dad. This was a truly defining moment in mine and Shannons relationship. I told her that I couldn’t spend the time I wanted with her and we had been together a month. I had broken down and cried to her already.. I told her that if she wants out she can go now. I couldn’t give her the time that she deserves. Instead of running away from me, Shannon made her house my own. She set me up with a drawer in her chest of drawers with clothes and deodorant. She told me "if you ever need to get away for the night you can come here". She made her home my safe haven to get away to. That to me was a truly remarkable and wonderful thing to do. Shannon was never scared of her own mental health problems and never scared of my mums having an effect on our relationship, she embraced it. 

This brings me to the first time I saw her mental health problems. We went to London over night to escape everything from home. All was fine until we had to go home and we were sitting with her best friend Sanna in the restaurant Giraffe on South Bank. Shannon started saying she saw a little light in her eye floating…. Boom! Suddenly Shannon thinks she has a brain tumour. Although the floating light went, the thought of brain tumours stayed. Suddenly the mental health problems I thought that didn’t really exist were coming to life. Now I had the chance to go run away, get scared, mad, sad. I didn’t...I embraced it, Shannon had done that beautiful, amazing thing for me and I still believed and again still do believe I am the luckiest boy in the world to have her and I started to fight her corner from this day. 

Am I scared of her mental health? Yes of course there are things I am scared of… I am scared how it will impact our future. BUT it is OUR future and I will not allow it to break us. What I am not scared of is her health anxiety persona. I know that this battle is our battle now and together we will defeat it. We will learn ways to make her stronger and in turn make that weaker. She has always told me not to think I can save her. I totally agree, Shannon has to tackle this herself but she can tackle it with the support of me and Ben who previously posted and her mum, dad, brother and friends. Some days I am sad about it, I see how it breaks her down and ruins her days and when you love someone and you see an illness break them down of course it breaks you but it doesn’t stop me getting back up and it doesn’t stop her. Anyone fighting mental health whether it's my mum or Shannon or anyone, I am truly proud of the struggles you go through. I am merely an outsider I have never had these issues myself but just know that I understand. 

If anyone was to ask how I feel, I would say I feel lucky to have her, I feel blessed that I get to spend everyday with her. Okay maybe we have problems like any relationship. Yes her mental health can completely take over our days sometimes. Yes she is always fighting the things in her head in the fear she mentions it I will get mad. But I still feel lucky and she needs to know that is enough for me, to have her and be able to make the memories we do is enough for me. Shannon does some really amazing things and sometimes she forgets what a beautiful person she is inside and out. Her pain can take over and make her think she is the worst person in the world when really...she is the most caring person I have ever met." 

I said this last time, that when you are deep within the grips of your mental health you kind of forget about the ones around you and how they feel but I am so aware of Dans feelings. I cannot wait to be able to get through a day without falling into my anxious trap and to get through it to be wit Dan at the end of it.

I found a little gem here, I want to keep him for a long time... 

Light Bulb Moments

Throughout your mental health journey there will be times when you really think you've made a huge breakthrough. Something will ping in your head and you'll wonder why you are staying within the grips of your mental illness. You will listen to a story, realise the pain you're putting yourself through or see your mum break down time and time again and you will have little breakthroughs.

Unfortunately they don't always last long and that's okay. Little breakthroughs are good, well done! But if you go backwards after a couple of days, that's okay too...the journey was never made to be an easy one.

I find that little breakthroughs show that I'm getting there, like I'm just shooting off the path for a minute and it feels great. It feels like I can progress when before I felt stuck in the horrible little rut of anxiety.

Throughout my journey this year I've had many little moments where I  thought "this is it, no turning back now!" - we even put little signs all around the house which said "today I change!" with the date 30th August 2017. I didn't change that day, I tried to for about 2 days and I went back again. I did that time and time again.

It's hard, it's disappointing and disheartening when you think you've done it this time and escaped the clutches of your mental illness, but it's okay! Because the breakthrough moment comes when you least expect it really.

I was talking to my mum about a time when I was very ill when I was younger. A time which I think is the source of my health anxiety. I've never really spoken about this on my blog, and I only ever mention it to people if the scar in my face hurts. I don't know why, but it was a very hard time for me and it will live with me forever. I think I'll save that story for another day.

Anyway, we spoke about it and my mum described how it was such a scary time for us all. She said how I remained brave the whole time though, something I always forget.

I was a young child, I can't even remember how old I was because I've kind of blocked it out of my memory. I think I was 8 and it had been going on for many years before that.

I went into hospital for my final operation, which turned into three operations in one week. My mum said it was horrible, watching me go off and having to sign papers to say I might end up paralysed on one side of my face. Mum said I was strong through it all though, I just wanted to get it done with so I could move on.

The way my mum described this strong, little girl was amazing. I had forget she existed. I really forgot that this little girl was me.

I have put the thought in my head that I was protecting this little girl in my head, but really she was so much stronger than I've ever given her credit for. She was not scared of dying, she just wanted to get out. She wanted to walk to the shops even though her face was the size of a football. She just wanted to get better and live her life.

This was my breakthrough moment. This was finally my lightbulb moment. My mum told me things I never knew and never realised and I can't thank her enough for opening my eyes.

I now need to live off of the strength that little me once had, she was amazing and she got through so much.

That girl was me. That girl IS ME. 

I am using that strength to get through the pain my mind is putting me through, I'm excited to move on and get through this all for the final time. The future is calling me and I am finally going to reach it.

Acceptance of your Mental Health

As I grow I am really learning to accept my anxiety for what it is.

I guess I would see it as a friend, a weird fucking friend who wants to destroy your life but you can't let them go because they've been your friend for so long. So long that you don't know what you would do without them, because they seem to act like they know what they're doing, they've seen life in a different way and they want to keep you safe.

This is bullshit, they don't want to do any of those things for you. They are like a jealous friend who sees that you have a really great life and they don't have that so they want to destroy it for you so no one can be happy.

You seem to open your eyes and realise they are no friend of yours at all, they are evil and want to take all of the goodness out of you. What kind of friend does that?

I think looking at it that way really helps, you have to realise what anxiety is and what it is trying to do before you can accept it and move on.

So if you had a friend who was just nasty, you would eventually remove them from your life right? That's what you need to do here. Remove the toxic things from your life.

It is all about acceptance.

Have a chat with your anxiety, sit it down, tell it you've had enough...even tell it that it's a bitch and you can do better without them!

I realise that me telling you to sit down with you anxiety sounds nuts but...we're all nuts here, in a good way. I'm telling you all to do this, but really I need to be doing this myself.

I find comfort in writing these posts, they really help. If there is one thing I recommend in the recovery of any mental illness it is to write! Create a blog, get a cute little notebook, just write and write and write your feelings away. Get them out of your brain and see it all in front of you, it really helps.

Anyway, back to getting rid of your awful friend. As I said, accept it for what it is and one day you will learn to forgive them.

Accept and forgive, forgiveness gives you a sense of hope that things can move on I feel. If someone hurts you, you grow as a person and one day forgive them and it makes you feel good that you know you have moved on.

But first, accept it! Whatever it may be and learn to move on from it. It will be hard, you will sometimes feel like you need it so bad because you don't know what to do without it but you are your own person, not your mental illnesses.

Don't be tied down...there's plenty more friends out there to make!

Ways To Distract and Be Kind To Yourself...

Hello everyone!

So over the months I have been using distraction as a way to erm...distract myself...I fucking rule at writing. ANYWAY, when things are a bit shit I have to distract myself, thats the way to get out of the vicious circle that is anxiety. When I was in my darkest moments even distraction would not work and I still have those days now I'll be honest! But when I can distract myself it is good and it is fun. It is all about self love, looking after number one and treating number one to the goodness that the world has to offer.

I've just made a list of a few things to do when you need to distract or just simply be kind to yourself.

Have A Nice Bath

I am a Lush lover, perhaps even a Lush addict. So when I really want to wind down I will pick up a nice bubble bar or bath bomb and just chill the fuck out. I will put on Ru Pauls Drag Race on Netflix - and hope I don't splash water all over my laptop and destroy it - and I will just relax for a little while. Its a worry free zone and I love it. You can just have a nice bubble bath for half an hour and just relax, zone out and be with you for a minute.

Write About Your Day

I find this extremely helpful when I do it, or just writing in general! I've touched on this before where it is really helpful to write down 3 good things which happened that day and the more you do it the more helpful it becomes. It is all about reflection, if you have had a bad day that's okay, write about it and move on from it. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hydrate Yourself

I'm a bugger for not hydrating myself but I know it is the absolute key to getting on well with any day. If you are not hydrated then the day is tougher, simple as. This is one I'm going to work a lot harder on to do because I think it is going to make a huge difference in the act of being kinder to myself and also for my health in general. I recently got sent a Eau Good Duo by Black+Blum which looks awesome. It has a charcoal stick which acts as the water filter, which absorbs nasty tastes so you can drink that manky sink water all day long, NICE. I'm super excited to try it out and have it as part of my plan to be kinder to myself. They have a campaign here to get the product on the market so I really do recommend looking it up!

Go For A Walk 

Just push yourself to get out of the house, listen to some music and just take in the places around you. It's a great distraction and also just lovely to get out and give yourself some air. Go to a nice park or field, theres always dogs you can just go and squish (which is always the biggest bonus of all) - I'm planning on going on lots of walks this Winter with my dogs. We have a new puppy, I forgot to mention, his name is Teddy and he is just the sweetest.

Watch A New TV Series 

That is always a fun one and a great way to distract yourself on the tough days. My go to series all the time are Friends, How I Met Your Mother and Peep Show. However, every week I look forward to an hour of just chilling out with Dan watching Riverdale. It is nice to just have something there to look forward to, there is loads to choose from and all nice, chill ways to distract your mind! 

Try On New Outfits 

This is something I did A LOT when I was at university, every week I would walk to Topshop on Oxford Street and just try on loads of clothes and I loved it. It was something I really looked forward to doing and it was just a nice thing to do for an hour or so, trying on things I normally wouldn't and just having a nice time by myself without thinking about anything else. Just pop into your local town and have a look around and just have fun! 

Distraction really is key and I am learning this day by day, later today I'm going to mong out and play Sims because that is my favourite distraction ~if I'm honest~ and I can't wait! 

What do you do to distract yourself and what do you do when you need a bit of self love? Let me know! 

x x x 

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

World Mental Health Day 2017

Hey everyone,

The time of year has come again where we all seem to recognise mental health, and that's great. It should be recognised and fought for every single day but if one day makes more people stand up and talk and stand up and realise what is happening then again, that is great.

Over the last few months I have written quite a few of blog posts talking about how I'm getting on and my on going struggles with my own mind. With this I have had quite a few people come and speak to me about their own troubles and that is AMAZING. It's fucking terrible that they are struggling but thank God they are opening up, even if it is just to someone they don't know too well. I want people to feel like they can speak to me, I am just one person struggling, there are millions feeling the exact same way. This is something we all need to remember.

Today is a day for recognising our own battles, knowing we are fighting and we are going to win. Sometimes people don't make it through the fight and bless their souls for even trying, it's fucking hard, it's a real fucking hard fight.

I recognise my battle now, I see what I'm doing and I am getting better I need to remember this. A few months ago I was at crisis point, I wanted to be taken away and locked up and not let out until I was better but here I am sat at my kitchen table on my own and not being consumed by my thoughts entirely, I feel like I am breathing again. Slowly, but I am.

I am overcoming aspects of my battle one by one. I am really, really getting through my eating disorder. I am eating whatever I want to really and I am gaining weight. Sometimes I hate it and I hate looking at my body, the next minute I'm like 'WOW you have curves and those tits are the size of a house' (I literally love my boobs) - I always wanted to be little Shannon however I need to realise that I cannot always be little Shannon. One day I will have to be a mum and a wife and I cannot be those things when I was in that state. I'm getting better, I'm getting back the me I lost, I am getting her back.

Knowing I can get through that aspect is driving me to get through this little chapter too. I am seeing this as a little bump in my journey, one that will make me a lot stronger and one day I hope to help others.

I am rationalising things more, I am getting my energy and motivation back, I am learning to see reality again. I am getting there.

I hope anyone on their own journeys will continue their fight, you are so strong, you are doing so well to get up every day and face the day, I know it's hard but you do it. You should be proud of everything you do, one small step at a time. If you have set backs that is okay, a little set back does not take away all of the progress you have made. You are amazing and you deserve the world, continue on your journey and go through the door which is calling you. Behind that door is fun, love, family, friends and no demons trying to drag you down. Treat yourself with goods things, be kind to yourself, the journey comes to an end and we all need to know the end is just the start of an even better journey.

x x x

"Love" with Anxiety.

Hellooooo everyone another mental health post, oh me. 

I'm surrounded by love and support there's absolutely no denying that. I have more friends than I could ever dream of, I've always been lucky to find friends in different places. I have my life long friends, my work friends, my friends from uni, my online friends that I've met through bands and my international friends (Erin, that's you). I have so much love to shower me in.

I have a big loving family and a bloody lovely boyfriend. I love to love.

The hardest thing with suffering from anxiety and depression is to know that you're upsetting those who love you so much and those you love so much too. It's hard. It's hard to try to listen to them and take that as what is real and not the demons in your head, they love you after all they want to keep you safe - the things in your head want to make you feel unsafe for as long as possible. Logically, who should be listened to? 

The past 7 months I've been lucky to meet an amazing boy. I've touched on him before and how he came into my life at a point I wasn't expecting to love again. At that time I felt so unloved, so hurt and so alone, I didn't think I would experience love and care from someone again, especially so soon.

He saved me and that's putting it bluntly and he's trying his best to save me again. I didn't grieve properly at the time for my loss of a relationship and my grandad, I've put all of this 'mental breakdown' down to my lack of grief and it's presented itself in a fucking shitty way. But we all grieve differently! 

Now, it's so hard to fall in love when you're fighting your own head. You end up fighting the person who loves you for trying their best to help. He will spend hours on end reassuring me I'm okay when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves watching a film or going for a walk, you know the usual. He will try so hard and he will get angry and upset that I'm not changing. That's so hard but I never resent him for it, he's fighting for me too. 

I want to change for him, I see a future with him I've never seen with anyone else. A REAL future. He's mature, he has his head screwed on. He does things no one has ever done for me before.

He sat me down one evening and gave me a pen and some paper and said "write down your 5 year plan, what do you want in the next 5 years?" - I wrote the usual; in 1 year I want to feel happy and be driving. In 2 years I want to be engaged and be moving into my own home, in 3/4 I want to get married and in 5 I want to have a baby. He looked at the timeline and said "so shannon, where does all this bad stuff fit in? I never said don't write any negative things down. The brain tumours you're scared of don't fit in this timeline do they?" MIND BLOWN. He's amazing. 

He'd thought of that all just to help me see the reality of my anxieties. What fucking gift from the Gods does that?! HE DOES.

It's a tough journey but he's sticking by me, he hasn't given up through all of the tears and panics, he's trying to make me stronger and I can't thank him enough. 

To be in love is amazing, to be in love with someone who wants to help you become a better person, that's just indescribable.

I love you Dan.

All The Good Things

Hey sweets,

In times of poor mental health it is always easy to forget the good things you are surrounded with. It is also always easy for people to say to you "you have everything going for you, why are you letting this beat you?" - for starters, it's not a choice. To be depressed, riddled with anxiety etc is not a choice. It is a chemical imbalance, just a little error in the make up of our brains, going off track on the road you were following. But never a choice. 

I have been at the receiving end of comments like these, I know I am a very lucky girl. I know I have so many good things in my life but that does not stop anxiety being the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. It does not stop these thoughts when I am out and about having fun, they are always there.

However, it IS helpful to remind yourself of the things you do have to ground yourself. If you keep reminding yourself, keep thinking of the good parts of the day instead of the negative then eventually they will become the first thing you think about and the last thing you think about. 

I wanted to do a post about all the lovely things in my life. I'm having a bad day after making a slight bit of progress, my health anxiety is trying to knock me down, I'm having bad dreams and I'm exhausted but I'm going to take some time to just reflect and remember what I am fighting for. 

First of all...

My Family - 

My God am I lucky to have been blessed with this family of mine. My mum is my rock, she always has been and always will be. She is my world and my best friend and I am very lucky to have her constant support even when it all gets a bit tough. She has a lot to deal with but always puts me first, I could never pay her back for the love she has given me over the years. The only way I could pay her back is to recover, that's the biggest way I could pay her back for everything she has done for me. For her to have her girl back. 

My dad, one of my bestest friends on this Earth. He only wants to see me happy, he might have a more abrupt way of putting it than my mum but that is just him. That is who he is and who I love. He works hard to still support me when I need it even though I'm 22 and I've moved out and back 2 times already (fuck) but he doesn't stop and won't stop until the job is done. 

I am an Auntie to a beautiful little boy who brightens up every room he enters. He has changed all of our lives since he was born and I want to watch him grow, I want him to watch me grow too. I want to be able to take him out and be the cool Auntie every little kid deserves to have, right? He is a pleasure to watch grow and change. He is something to be very proud of and I really am grateful for his existence, he is a huge reason to keep going everyday.

My Friends -

I have always been lucky enough to be able to be surrounded by lots and lots of friends in so many areas of my life. I have my group of friends who have been there since high school, the 8 of us have a bond that will never go away. I am so lucky to have such laughs and support always. Especially from my best friend Ben, he is something else and he has been there through so many hard times.

I have friends from home, work, around the country and around the world and I feel so lucky to have been able to build ever lasting friendships with so many amazing people. I want to fight for more memories to be made. 

My Boyfriend - 

I met this boy earlier in the year in a time when I wasn't expecting to fall so madly in love. He saved me. Thats all I can describe that situation as, he picked me up in a time when the only way was down and I am forever grateful. He has been there through so much already and I love him for it. I see a life with him that will go on for a long time, I must fight for that future that I crave so badly with him. He's special and I've been given a little gift to have been able to fall so in love with him.

Then there's other things I'm so grateful for, my little puppies! Oh my god, I love my dogs. My counsellor once said "no matter how you see yourself your dogs will always love you, they don't care what you look like, what you do, how you feel, they will always love you" - there's no nicer feeling than being woken up by my little Sid, just this little creature wants to love me 24 hours a day and I love it.

I have access to help, I'm grateful for that. Without the help of the systems we have in place I would not be on the road to recovery. I know they are not great, they're not and even the NHS would admit that but once you find the right team you will get there.

I have a roof over my head, access to food, clothes, luxuries, I am grateful for all of these things.

I am able to go out and drink with my friends, socialise and have a laugh. Those are the times I look forward to the most, the nights where crazy memories are made. Photographs that I can surround myself with to look at when I need it, to remember what I'm fighting for. I have so many memories I wish to make.

I am a lucky girl. I have a lot to fight for and I will do everything I can to get there.

One thing I sometimes do when times are tough is I write 3 good things that happened in the day, even if the day fucking sucked, I will still try to source just 3 good things. Little or small "I saw some flowers" "I had a sick bath" "I had a good nap" - ANYTHING.

I first done that at university when my lovely friend Sanna gave me a notepad and we did it every night together because she wanted to help me get better (I love you, Sanna). This is a good way to reinforce positivity into a day and to keep it going for days on end.

Give it a try, it might make a nice change to the end of the day!

x 

Thank You.

Hey everyone,

Firstly, if you read my last post then thank you. If you opened up your own mind and looked deeper into your own mental health, again, thank you. Thank you for being a strong person, you're doing a great job.

I had a few people speak to me about it and how it's so important to speak up and it so is. I cannot stress it enough how important it is to speak up about mental illness and discuss it, make it a discussion, make your health known!

I always find a great comfort in writing a blog post when I'm struggling. I should have probably done that at the start of this little blip, but hindsight is a powerful thing really.

Lets be honest, I did not have the motivation to do anything let alone write about how I was feeling. I guess that just goes to show that I am making progress in this whole recovery thing and the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.

Throughout this whole time I've had a lot of different experiences, ones I've never really had before in visual ways. Some in the way of not quite seeing anything...my vision was not blurred but again bringing up the whole 'tunnel' thing, I pretty much had tunnel vision. Like I was holding binoculars up to my eyes but without the actual binoculars being there, just my hands, that was my vision. It was very closed, I couldn't see anything past what was happening there and then. The only thing I saw was panic, physical panic. I sometimes felt like I wasn't present in my body, almost like a fly on the wall in some situations. This was a feeling that scared me the most, I've never felt disconnected from my body in this way and its a feeling I wasn't aware of which left me very confused.

I was just shut off from everything, the only thing going on was my panic, my panic about my health and panic about anything bad happening to me. I could not see anything else. I could not see my families pain, my boyfriend getting upset or anything. I was very consumed with my own physical and mental feelings but I also felt nothing. That is a very weird way to describe it but that is the only way I can describe it.

Like I wrote in my previous post it was like I was floating. It felt like my brain had detached itself from my body and was above my head and I was just floating, floating around - again, not in a good way. In a terrifying way that sent me into a distressing panic every single time.

I can now recognise this as a huge sign of depression. Who knew? Not me.

I've gone through depression a lot in my life, it's come and gone, been bad, been bearable, but nothing quite like this. Nothing which has scared me so much.

It has taken me until now to be able to fully describe what that felt like and I feel like a weight has been lifted to be able to explain the feeling. It is still there, not as strong but still lingering I'm just managing to work through those feelings better than I was over the past few weeks. That is a huge success in my eyes, I'm getting there.

Another thing I've felt through this time is being able to actually see the 'end of the tunnel' - the end of my mental health journey, the other side of it all, the happy and healthy side.

I've never physically seen it before but I can get the picture up in my head. It's almost like a dream, like a daydream. Where I can reach it but I can't quite touch it. It's distressing and frustrating and can push you further into an anxious state because the good things are a touch away but there are little things just throwing you off track.

There are roads that your mind begins to follow in spells of mental illness. The roads veer off here and there, but there's one straight road to full recovery, thats the one I was going down and was in my reach in the image in my head but it was like the road was scrolling off of a page and I was running in the same spot the whole time. The same frustrating, upsetting, infuriating spot.

It is a very scary place to be in and I guess we need to just remember that one day the road will stop scrolling off the page and we will reach the end of it, we will get to that feeling of happiness and being content. Content with the lives we have, the way it is going and the things we are surrounded with.

The belief is probably the strongest thing which will get you through times like these, the belief and faith in your own strength. I know that is hard, believe me, it's fucking hard to even have a slight ounce of faith in your own strength when you just want to run away and fall off that scrolling road. But you will get there, you will.

Again, I really do find comfort in these posts when I'm having bad times and writing how I'm feeling down like this makes me realise and kind of releases the feelings away from me. I hope reading this would help anyone else too, that's all I'd like to do and gain from this - the knowledge that I would help someone else become in touch with their thoughts and feelings about their own mental health. You're never alone on a journey through your mental health, after all it is a journey and it's a much better ride with other people there to help guide you.

Keep on fighting x

Just A Smidge of Mental Health...

Now anyone who knows me, follows me on any social media or has ever read my blog knows I am more than open about my mental health. My mental health really is what defines me, as sad as that is, that is what rules my life whether I like it or not. It has done for years, too many years and too many times I have attempted recovery, thought I had got through it and then gone back 3584354 steps. Too many times I have cried and cried and cried because I never feel like it will end. Too many times I have reached out for help, received it but my brain doesn't process it properly. TOO. MANY. TIMES. 

I'm currently going through my worst ever spell of mental health. I have gone to absolute rock bottom to the point of wanting to be taken away, too scared to leave my counsellors room because the fear of real life was too much. 

I really hit rock bottom, I thought I had done before throughout it all. I thought I reached rock bottom when I reached my lowest weight in my eating disorder, I thought I reached it when self harming was something I turned to (trigger warning, I'm sorry) I thought I had reached it time and time again. But I hadn't, this was rock bottom. This time right now was rock bottom.

Feeling disconnected from the entire world, just floating about it felt like but not in a good way. Not in the floaty way you feel when you've had a few shots and a few glasses of wine, floaty in a way that I was scared to leave the house, scared to go to work and scared to just face life. I have been in a very, very dark place. 

My health anxiety has reached ultimate heights or should I say ultimate lows. I have had multiple doctors trips "I'm scared my hearts going to stop" "do I have a brain tumour?" "do I have ovarian cancer?" - no Shannon, you've got a case of the old 'anxiety' and 'depression' dear. 

Simple as that. A doctor even visited my house and all of the things I told her she explained were typical signs of major depression. 

It's not a surprise, I went through a lot earlier in the year. I lost my granddad and a relationship and a home within the space of 2 weeks. But then I met an amazing boy shortly after who saved me from that awful time, it's just all caught up to me at the wrong time. 

I feel I've used my grief in this way, I fell deep into my depression which I had under control and even deeper into my health anxiety which really, never goes away. It's been present for a very long time but not quite like this.

I've called 111 too many times and even had a trip to A&E. I've done everything to feed my health anxieties wants and needs but what about mine? What about my needs as a healthy functioning human? What about my happiness? Why does my mind want to deprive me of the happiness I deserve as anyone on Earth wants to. 

I deserve to enjoy things again, to go out and have fun with my boyfriend and our friends, to see my nephew without crying when he leaves (why I do that, I DO NOT KNOW) to spend time with my mum without getting into crying matches about how hard this all is. 

I deserve to gain back the girl I have lost over the last couple of months. She disappeared a little bit but she's in there, fighting to get out slowly but surely. 

Before I would always feel awfully guilty about having time off work but the fact of the matter is I even had to be signed off work and you know what? That's okay. I needed to look after myself instead of sitting at my desk running off to have yet another panic attack, I needed time. I needed time to realise how bad it had got and I couldn't do that in a work environment, and that's okay. 

I would never ever shy away from my mental health. I would never lie to people and say I'm okay when I'm not. I'm not okay, but I will be. I can see that now, a few weeks ago I couldn't see that, I couldn't admit that I would one day be okay again because I felt in too deep. I'm getting out, slowly, that girl is coming out of the awful dark hole she fell into. 

I no longer want my mental health to define me, to sit at my desk at work and have panic attacks out of nowhere, to sit with my mum in town and ask her if I'm dying. I just want to live my life the way I deserve to live it; by having a fuck tonne of fun. 

The journey to the end of mental health is not an easy one and never will be, everyones journey is so different. It takes as long as it takes, a broken bone fixes in time...the things tangled up in your mind untangle in time. With love, support, confidence and hope it will happen. I believe that now. 

Always speak up, never shy away. Never, ever, ever. There is always someone waiting to help you, a counsellor, a doctor, a friend, a colleague, a parent, a brother, a sister, a stranger online, anyone. Mental illness is a secret little bugger just waiting to strike anyone, literally anyone and we must support each other in this fight to reach the other side.

Never give up, life is too precious. 

I want to get through this to prove I can and never look back again. 

Where am I at?

Hey everyone,

It's been a tough morning, I have to say. I'm going away this weekend and this always fills me with crippling anxiety - I don't know why. I think I've been building up to a bit of a breakdown all week and it happened this morning and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty that I let it get the better of me and I let it control whether or not I was going to go to work (I didn't) - I try to be positive on here, radiate positivity and pretend I'm doing just fine. I only ever come back on here when something really gets to me. This has really got to me, I feel terrible that I've let it get the better of me once again. I feel weak, I feel like a bad person and now I'm terrified I'll get fired. I am a bloody poo.

I need to realise that my mental health is important, some days I do realise this but then when it does this I just feel like I've failed. All the progress I've made was for nothing.

But then I remember that ups and downs are in fact essential in the recovery process, I've discussed that with my therapist. Without the downs I wouldn't be able to use my techniques that I've learnt to get me back up, going backwards is normal and important. It is human.

I guess I just feel like everyone around me works hard and I'm just slacking off, but then I never cut myself a break for this.

I've been doing okay you know, I've had to increase my intake of food to try and get my periods back (HELLLLLLO PERIOD TALK) and I'm more determined than ever to do this. I think that's been subtly pushing my buttons all week and it was only a matter of time before I said 'no, I need some me time'. This morning has been my me time, I'm just lucky that my work place understand even when I feel like I'm absolutely cheating them for doing stuff like this.

In other news though, I am in fact going away later today to London to visit my university friends. I've just gotta get through that initial anxiety that I get every single time I go away and enjoy myself.

I hope you're all well and plodding along with all of your positivity.

I'll be back soon with some less negative posts, I promise! x

An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Hello everyone,

You may wonder why I'm making something like this public, why I'm putting it on the internet? You know me, I'm so open about my mental health and would do anything I could to raise awareness and to get others to help themselves or help those around them. If this helps one person have more of an insight, if it helps one mum have a slight look into what is going on in their childs mind then that's all I want. I want to help, this small platform could do that, or so I hope. Here goes...

Dear my friend and my enemy, 

I say friend loosely...my enemy strongly. It's been tough hasn't it? These past few years, who knows when it all begun, when you creeped up behind me and tore me apart. I know you've been there for a while, a long time, too long. God, why did you come along? 

On one hand you've been my friend, my comfort and my safety blanket. When everything is a bit shit you've been there to fall back into. You've made me feel strong sometimes even at my weakest, we know someone with an eating disorder has strength like no other. The strength to deprive, that's just indescribable. The willpower to go through with lies and deceit. You made me lie to the people I love, you made me get angry to them, when that was never in my nature. Sometimes you fully took over and people recognised this. I didn't realise though, because I thought it was me. You'd taken over however, you had control. I liked that control though, sometimes I miss it. I miss the control we had when we could pick and choose when or what to eat or not to eat, the control of just running away from it all and going for stupidly long walks, just me and my brain. You made me feel safe, but that's the key word...feel. You made me feel a lot of things, happy though? Never.

You stole things from me. You stole other peoples trust from me, that is unforgivable. You stole a life and a future in my dream career from me that I don't even know if I wish for back, but I'm sad that I let it all go. At University you turned me into a mess, you had me laying on my bedroom floor taking pictures of my body to make sure my ribs were still sticking out like that was some sort of horrifying progress. You made me believe a tiny amount of food or none at all was enough for those beautiful long walks around London or for a full day of learning. All I learnt was that I was breaking before my eyes. 

I left that life behind, I had to. I left University because if I had stayed I would not be here now. You didn't stay there, you stayed with me. You never left. I wish you'd have left. 

You made my mum cry down the phone to me almost daily, she still does now and that is the most heartbreaking of all. The pain we have caused to other people, the constant questioning STILL of whether my size is acceptable. Why won't it stop? It's not fair. It's not fair on me or them. I can't believe I let something so strong take over and destroy so much. 

I'm finally starting to get my strength back to fight it, I couldn't fight you with such little mental strength. I had the strength to do all the wrong things but not the right. I want my mum to trust me on my own again, I have my own home but still I know she sits and worries that I am not eating. You still tell me not to. I want my boyfriend to not have to answer the same questions over and over again, they make no difference to you or I. I want to be happy and healthy, not weak and brittle and too tired for life. 

It's time to go, I've got to be on my own. You were there when I felt I had no one, but you're the one that pushed me into this darkness. It's over now, it has to be. 

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Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Everything to gain...

Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.

I've been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it's tricky. I've spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things - this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me... it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.

Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I've already lost myself - I have to get myself back.

Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you're scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it's SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I'm scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?

I even said the other day out loud "I miss how I was" I couldn't quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn't fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.

I don't think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.

To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don't want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn't actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn't like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.

I have strength to gain, I know I've lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don't trust myself to do it and I don't think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.

I have a lot of confidence to gain, I've never had it though. This has been the case forever, it's not something that has occurred with the ED - I've never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I'm not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.

I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won't have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.

See, when you're struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It's hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It's hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.

Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.

Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.

Update!

Hey everyone,

Oh me here again with more excuses as to why I haven't posted in a trillion years - I have many. I've moved house! I'VE ACTUALLY MOVED OUT. Myself and my boyfriend, Ryan moved out into our first little home together. It's so sweet, I am planning on doing a homeware post (am obsessed with homeware, have been since I left the womb - after I made that place all cosy of course.)

I've been working at the same job I've been working at since October, still there, still loving life :----------------------) take from the long ass smiley face what you will.

Finally, I've still been struggling with...stuff. I did one post on my Cognitive Analytical Therapy journey, ONE. I'm now on about session 12 out of 16 and I haven't posted any updates. How am I doing? Okay. I like the therapy and I like my therapist. That is really something I never thought I would be able to say. I'm going to miss my therapist when it comes to the inevitable end.

She is there to listen and help me grow and I am confused as to what I am supposed to do without her. I know I have loads of people around me, but she knows and she understands to the very smallest pieces of the problems. She helps me understand the problems myself that I didn't even fully get in the first place.

We've gone back to my childhood, pieces that could have contributed to the anxieties I have had for the majority of my life. It all makes sense, why do I have health anxiety? Perhaps the multiple hospital trips and operations traumatised me a bit and they're always at the back of my mind.

Ever since I can remember I have been terrified of needles, not tattoo needles though I'll have them poked in my skin anyday BUT IF YOU'RE TAKING BLOOD FROM ME I'LL LET OUT A NUG. I will never be a fan!

I've lived with health anxiety for a large number of years, the fear of dying is my biggest and it really is where I end up almost everyday when my anxieties get too month. One thing leads to another and it goes back there. I have a good day, feel I don't deserve it, oh what is that pain in my head?! It must be a brain tumour let's forget about the great day we've had and focus on that instead. Logical.

I have never felt like I deserve good things, I've no idea why. I moved into this house last week and two days later was full of dread and sadness, why the frick?! I was doing the thing I've wanted forever with the boy I've wanted forever but oh no, it's time to feel like crap about yourself.

Food, oh food. Where did the eating disorder start? Was it related to my low self esteem that probably stemmed from a problem I had inside my cheek when I was younger?! Maybe, it makes sense after all.

It all makes sense, I've been able to make sense of things for once and I can't wait to be fully able to do this and take all of the skills and tools I've been given at CAT and use them in my life everyday.

I can't wait for the day my recovery comes to an end, when I can say I'm no longer in recovery for I am recovered. Recovered from the eating disorder, depression and all the bloody anxiety. I can't wait and I'm so willing to keep trying my very best.

I love me and all of the hard work I do and I hope anyone else doing the same thing feels the same. You deserve that much.

I'll be back shortly to do a homeware post so keep your eyes peeled!

My New Etsy Store - VICIOUS PRINTS!

Hiiiiii everyone! 

Been a while but here I am with a new Etsy store selling watercolour typography prints! 

‘Original prints to offend your pals’ and that is exactly what they are - ranging from ‘You’re a Cunt’ to ‘I Donut Like You’. 

As you know Mental Health is a subject so very close to my heart so I also have a Mental Health range, ‘Fuck Off Depression’ and ‘Fuck Off Anxiety’ these can be purchased separately or as a pack. 25% of the price is donated to the Mental Health charity ‘MIND’ - I know this is something you may all be interested in because it is always satisfying to help others. 

There's a couple of prints for the ones you luuuuuuuv, the 'I Dig You' print is one of my faves, I want to make that in to a card one day. I really would love to get them all made into cards because nothing says HAPPY BIRTHDAY like 'you're a twat' amiright. 

I would really love to get some more prints painted for everyone so if you're interested check out the store, click HERE! 

Also, follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook! 

Thanks a lot and I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy making them, until next time xxxx