Thank You.

Hey everyone,

Firstly, if you read my last post then thank you. If you opened up your own mind and looked deeper into your own mental health, again, thank you. Thank you for being a strong person, you're doing a great job.

I had a few people speak to me about it and how it's so important to speak up and it so is. I cannot stress it enough how important it is to speak up about mental illness and discuss it, make it a discussion, make your health known!

I always find a great comfort in writing a blog post when I'm struggling. I should have probably done that at the start of this little blip, but hindsight is a powerful thing really.

Lets be honest, I did not have the motivation to do anything let alone write about how I was feeling. I guess that just goes to show that I am making progress in this whole recovery thing and the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.

Throughout this whole time I've had a lot of different experiences, ones I've never really had before in visual ways. Some in the way of not quite seeing anything...my vision was not blurred but again bringing up the whole 'tunnel' thing, I pretty much had tunnel vision. Like I was holding binoculars up to my eyes but without the actual binoculars being there, just my hands, that was my vision. It was very closed, I couldn't see anything past what was happening there and then. The only thing I saw was panic, physical panic. I sometimes felt like I wasn't present in my body, almost like a fly on the wall in some situations. This was a feeling that scared me the most, I've never felt disconnected from my body in this way and its a feeling I wasn't aware of which left me very confused.

I was just shut off from everything, the only thing going on was my panic, my panic about my health and panic about anything bad happening to me. I could not see anything else. I could not see my families pain, my boyfriend getting upset or anything. I was very consumed with my own physical and mental feelings but I also felt nothing. That is a very weird way to describe it but that is the only way I can describe it.

Like I wrote in my previous post it was like I was floating. It felt like my brain had detached itself from my body and was above my head and I was just floating, floating around - again, not in a good way. In a terrifying way that sent me into a distressing panic every single time.

I can now recognise this as a huge sign of depression. Who knew? Not me.

I've gone through depression a lot in my life, it's come and gone, been bad, been bearable, but nothing quite like this. Nothing which has scared me so much.

It has taken me until now to be able to fully describe what that felt like and I feel like a weight has been lifted to be able to explain the feeling. It is still there, not as strong but still lingering I'm just managing to work through those feelings better than I was over the past few weeks. That is a huge success in my eyes, I'm getting there.

Another thing I've felt through this time is being able to actually see the 'end of the tunnel' - the end of my mental health journey, the other side of it all, the happy and healthy side.

I've never physically seen it before but I can get the picture up in my head. It's almost like a dream, like a daydream. Where I can reach it but I can't quite touch it. It's distressing and frustrating and can push you further into an anxious state because the good things are a touch away but there are little things just throwing you off track.

There are roads that your mind begins to follow in spells of mental illness. The roads veer off here and there, but there's one straight road to full recovery, thats the one I was going down and was in my reach in the image in my head but it was like the road was scrolling off of a page and I was running in the same spot the whole time. The same frustrating, upsetting, infuriating spot.

It is a very scary place to be in and I guess we need to just remember that one day the road will stop scrolling off the page and we will reach the end of it, we will get to that feeling of happiness and being content. Content with the lives we have, the way it is going and the things we are surrounded with.

The belief is probably the strongest thing which will get you through times like these, the belief and faith in your own strength. I know that is hard, believe me, it's fucking hard to even have a slight ounce of faith in your own strength when you just want to run away and fall off that scrolling road. But you will get there, you will.

Again, I really do find comfort in these posts when I'm having bad times and writing how I'm feeling down like this makes me realise and kind of releases the feelings away from me. I hope reading this would help anyone else too, that's all I'd like to do and gain from this - the knowledge that I would help someone else become in touch with their thoughts and feelings about their own mental health. You're never alone on a journey through your mental health, after all it is a journey and it's a much better ride with other people there to help guide you.

Keep on fighting x

Positive Tuesdays, they're back!

Oh my god HI. I'm bringing back Positive Tuesdays, if you were about in my Uni days you'll know all about these. Have a look here, there's loads!

I enjoyed doing this, let me fill you in on the dealio with these. Every Tuesday I will look back on the week I've had and pick out all the good things, it's a day of positive reflection. A moment to focus on the good and forget any of the bad and document it to look back on when I need to! I loved doing it back when I was struggling at university.

It did help, it helped slightly then however I feel now as I am well into my recovery and getting better that these will help me so much more! Please join in, use the hashtag #PositiveTuesdays on Twitter and label your posts with it, I'd love to read what's been happening with your week and all the good stuff that's made you happy! I love to reflect on all the funny, weird things that have happened to and believe me on planet Shannon there's a lot.

I hope this sounds like a good idea to other people? I know I'm so stoked to be bringing it back! Shannon 1 - 0 Mental Health.

Anyway, MY WEEK. What's been happening?! Well, we've gone into our second week of living in our brand new lovely house ahhhhh - my first homeware haul was put up last week so check that out if you'd like!

The Great British Bake Off started again and me and Ry were stoked so we made banana bread - or attempted to - with the left over bananas in the house. We had no scales, Ryan aka Paul Hollywood thought oh no it's fine we'll just measure FLOUR WITH A SPOON. We only used two table spoons, the banana bread came out sludgey and looked like a slab of pork. The more I think about it the more I want to gag and fall into a hole and live there forever but we tried. Our first baking experience in the house was not a great success but at least we enjoyed it? Haha.

Honestly, not a lot has happened this week, I've hung out with my family and my puppers a few times so that's been GREAT. Look at them, they're adorable! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Well, that's it my return to Positive Tuesdays, let me know if you join in I'd love to see some more posts! 

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Everything to gain...

Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.

I've been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it's tricky. I've spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things - this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me... it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.

Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I've already lost myself - I have to get myself back.

Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you're scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it's SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I'm scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?

I even said the other day out loud "I miss how I was" I couldn't quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn't fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.

I don't think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.

To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don't want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn't actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn't like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.

I have strength to gain, I know I've lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don't trust myself to do it and I don't think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.

I have a lot of confidence to gain, I've never had it though. This has been the case forever, it's not something that has occurred with the ED - I've never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I'm not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.

I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won't have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.

See, when you're struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It's hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It's hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.

Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.

Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.