Continuing the fight.

Hi hi hi,

I haven't posted since October, oh me. It's been a mare of a few months, here's a short summary - I'm employed (do I enjoy it? I shall not disclose that on the internet) ((take from that what you will)), I'm still with that Ryry Evz and we're saving to move out, joint bank account and all! But more importantly, I'm still suffering with that eating disorder and depression that is being a cheeky mother fucker and just does not want to budge out of my life.

Let's get into it, the last time I posted I was just starting my time at the eating disorder clinic in my town, by Christmas my nurse left and in the new year I started seeing a new lady. This lady is really, really helping me. However, I'm still struggling so much it's hard to see when the end of the journey will come.

All in all, the whole process is so difficult that I don't quite understand how anyone gets through recovery. I try my best every single day, but during that time the little ED in my head is nagging at me about what I've eaten, what I'm going to eat, how I look, how other people will see me and the feeling of my entire body - it's exhausting.

I'm not sure people really speak about the way they feel about it, anorexia is a very secretive illness. I know that from experience, I don't really speak about it with anyone apart from the relevant people but it saddens me when some people never, ever speak about it and suffer with the thoughts. I understand it, it IS draining and painful. To think so badly about yourself and not be able to stop, it's heart breaking to step out of my skin sometimes and look at myself and see what I'm doing.

I see it as being two different people, and so do the people around me. There's me, the girl who has always wanted to have a laugh, loveable, a fighter. Then there's the anorexic side of me, the one who gets angry at everyone, especially myself, the one who stops the sensible me from reaching a full recovery. A constant battle between myself and someone else who has become a part of me, one maybe my mind is too afraid to let go of.

But I have to let go, I need to. There's no two ways about it, I really need to get the strength to stick to my meal plan, realise that the food is my medicine and not my enemy, that food doesn't equal fat, it actually equals life. God dammit, I need to take my own bloody advice.

I cannot ever stress it enough how important it is to talk about your mental illnesses, I want the entire world to know this however my presence on Earth just isn't as big as I would like it to be to make this get out to every single human. But if you read this, yes you, and you're struggling please talk to someone. Do not suffer, you just don't deserve to fight that battle alone.

Sigh, another post about mental health - I guess that's all I really know!

I missed the final Blogmas...

My bad! I was busy doing family stuff, you know. Makes the whole point of Blogmas seem a little pointless doesn't it.

Well, I hope you had a nice Christmas! I sure did. I got spoilt which I wasn't expecting, I thought my days of being spoilt on Christmas Day were over but I was wrong when my brother came round and my parents sent us upstairs and there was an iPad mini waiting for me. See I was over the moon with everything I'd recieved in the morning so that was just lovely!

I got some beauts clothes mostly from Urban Outfitters (I'll make a post about that tomorrow maybe!) 

It was nice to see my baby cousin on Christmas Day who had been incredibly spoilt but she is worth the world!

So after all of the excitement I have spent today feeling dreadful physically and mentally, I hate health anxiety, I have general anxiety and I hate depression. It's driving me to start these tablets even more. I can't drink while I'm on the tablets so tonight is my last time drinking for God knows how long and I'll be doing it with my best pals. 

I hope you continue to have a good christmas season! Got some good posts lined up so stick with me.

Byeeeee x