Continuing the fight.

Hi hi hi,

I haven't posted since October, oh me. It's been a mare of a few months, here's a short summary - I'm employed (do I enjoy it? I shall not disclose that on the internet) ((take from that what you will)), I'm still with that Ryry Evz and we're saving to move out, joint bank account and all! But more importantly, I'm still suffering with that eating disorder and depression that is being a cheeky mother fucker and just does not want to budge out of my life.

Let's get into it, the last time I posted I was just starting my time at the eating disorder clinic in my town, by Christmas my nurse left and in the new year I started seeing a new lady. This lady is really, really helping me. However, I'm still struggling so much it's hard to see when the end of the journey will come.

All in all, the whole process is so difficult that I don't quite understand how anyone gets through recovery. I try my best every single day, but during that time the little ED in my head is nagging at me about what I've eaten, what I'm going to eat, how I look, how other people will see me and the feeling of my entire body - it's exhausting.

I'm not sure people really speak about the way they feel about it, anorexia is a very secretive illness. I know that from experience, I don't really speak about it with anyone apart from the relevant people but it saddens me when some people never, ever speak about it and suffer with the thoughts. I understand it, it IS draining and painful. To think so badly about yourself and not be able to stop, it's heart breaking to step out of my skin sometimes and look at myself and see what I'm doing.

I see it as being two different people, and so do the people around me. There's me, the girl who has always wanted to have a laugh, loveable, a fighter. Then there's the anorexic side of me, the one who gets angry at everyone, especially myself, the one who stops the sensible me from reaching a full recovery. A constant battle between myself and someone else who has become a part of me, one maybe my mind is too afraid to let go of.

But I have to let go, I need to. There's no two ways about it, I really need to get the strength to stick to my meal plan, realise that the food is my medicine and not my enemy, that food doesn't equal fat, it actually equals life. God dammit, I need to take my own bloody advice.

I cannot ever stress it enough how important it is to talk about your mental illnesses, I want the entire world to know this however my presence on Earth just isn't as big as I would like it to be to make this get out to every single human. But if you read this, yes you, and you're struggling please talk to someone. Do not suffer, you just don't deserve to fight that battle alone.

Sigh, another post about mental health - I guess that's all I really know!

The Fault In Our Stars…(my tears on the cinema floor drowning everyone)

Last night I finally saw The Fault In Our Stars. Now, I read the book a few months ago and it was the first book I had read in a very long time but I was drawn to it because everyone had hyped it up so much. I didn't want to like it just because everyone else did, I didn't go into it with that mindset, I went into it thinking it would be okay (okay? hahahhaha okay bye). I highly underestimated it because throughout I found myself being moved in ways I never had been before simply by beautiful words written on a page. The story and imagination put across by John Green was just something else. Then this film was coming out and you could hear the hearts of thousands shattering across the world - hugely anticipated!

Please, when they say you need a lot of tissues they are not wrong. The book, of course, made me cry but this was another level of crying, I left with a cry headache, puffy eyes and a nose like Rudolph…all the things most attractive in a girl.

This movie had to be the most beautiful and moving thing I have ever seen. Crying from the first 'Okay'. It is EXACTLY like the book, great justice had been achieved and I think 99% of fans of the book would agree with that. The love shown between Hazel and Augustus is radiating - one of the most epic love stories that a generation will treasure forever. Hats off to all of the actors in the film but I feel a lot of people were expecting Gus to be portrayed just perfectly and in my opinion Ansel Elgort did it just right. I fell in love with Gus in a book form and now in a physical form and my heart hurts.

It seemed to hit me, it made me want to go home and forget about the things that trouble me daily. Even though this novel is fictional, there ARE people who are suffering from terminal illnesses and try to get on with life and appreciate it as the characters in this story do. We all have demons, I sure do. Daily demons that never seem to frick off, pulling me in and not letting me go but this movie has made me want to pull myself away and see the beautiful world around me again. Embrace life for what it is because the characters do that so well. Find love, appreciate that just like they do. Live the life you've been given because it can be snatched away in a heart beat. Hazel and Gus don't dwell on their cancer, they live and love and isn't that a beautiful message?

I feel like this movie might have this kind of affect on many people, to push them to appreciate what they have even though sometimes you can't control the nasty thoughts in your head you can choose to get help to sort it out and love your life once again!

Thank you John Green for creating such a beautiful, inspiring novel which will live on for a long, long time.

'It's a good life.'