Where am I at?

Hey everyone,

It's been a tough morning, I have to say. I'm going away this weekend and this always fills me with crippling anxiety - I don't know why. I think I've been building up to a bit of a breakdown all week and it happened this morning and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty that I let it get the better of me and I let it control whether or not I was going to go to work (I didn't) - I try to be positive on here, radiate positivity and pretend I'm doing just fine. I only ever come back on here when something really gets to me. This has really got to me, I feel terrible that I've let it get the better of me once again. I feel weak, I feel like a bad person and now I'm terrified I'll get fired. I am a bloody poo.

I need to realise that my mental health is important, some days I do realise this but then when it does this I just feel like I've failed. All the progress I've made was for nothing.

But then I remember that ups and downs are in fact essential in the recovery process, I've discussed that with my therapist. Without the downs I wouldn't be able to use my techniques that I've learnt to get me back up, going backwards is normal and important. It is human.

I guess I just feel like everyone around me works hard and I'm just slacking off, but then I never cut myself a break for this.

I've been doing okay you know, I've had to increase my intake of food to try and get my periods back (HELLLLLLO PERIOD TALK) and I'm more determined than ever to do this. I think that's been subtly pushing my buttons all week and it was only a matter of time before I said 'no, I need some me time'. This morning has been my me time, I'm just lucky that my work place understand even when I feel like I'm absolutely cheating them for doing stuff like this.

In other news though, I am in fact going away later today to London to visit my university friends. I've just gotta get through that initial anxiety that I get every single time I go away and enjoy myself.

I hope you're all well and plodding along with all of your positivity.

I'll be back soon with some less negative posts, I promise! x

Physical VS. Mental

Hiiiiii,

So something that has really been bothering me recently is the difference in how mental illnesses are treated in comparison with physical. I personally, feel like I'm just being silly and weak if I need time for myself because everything is getting too much but my Eating Practitioner said to me "would you feel the same if you had a broken leg?" - of course not, I'd be laying on that sofa watching crap day time telly with no guilt whatsoever.

I've had a few moments recently where I physically cannot face the world, I can only face a few and that's my family, Ryan and my best friend Ben. Everyone else I can't stand the thought of socialising with and that is tough. It's tough especially when you have a full time job and are saving to move out so every time you need to get out of it all you feel like you're letting everyone down.

But it's true, if it was a physical illness the guilt just isn't there. No one can see truly how you feel sometimes though, sometimes getting up out of bed is the biggest struggle you'll face that day and isn't that just sad? Something so normal to everyone else is so hard to you that day. I know it's become a frequent occurrence recently and it makes me feel lazy and weak and I hate that.

In reality I know I'm not weak, I'm ill and sometimes I honestly forget that my own mental health is actually an illness because the stigma still stands. My mental health affects me so much more than I'd like to admit, or wish that it did. I feel so physically ill on days because of it and I'm struggling to understand it lately even though it has been going on for so many years.

I'm trying to figure out why and how all of this started, maybe when I get there it will finally all come to an end. I'm just lucky that right now I'm being treated by the best team I've ever had and I'm praising the mental health system for the first time in 10 years.

Really, what I want to say to anyone who feels the same is that it IS okay to need some time out. If your mental health is really taking over so much, take a step back and remember what you're fighting for. Look after yourself, watch some shite telly and eat some comfort food - look after you for once. Your mind is just as important as a broken leg, a sore throat, or a headache so take it easy.

Til' next time x x x

Continuing the fight.

Hi hi hi,

I haven't posted since October, oh me. It's been a mare of a few months, here's a short summary - I'm employed (do I enjoy it? I shall not disclose that on the internet) ((take from that what you will)), I'm still with that Ryry Evz and we're saving to move out, joint bank account and all! But more importantly, I'm still suffering with that eating disorder and depression that is being a cheeky mother fucker and just does not want to budge out of my life.

Let's get into it, the last time I posted I was just starting my time at the eating disorder clinic in my town, by Christmas my nurse left and in the new year I started seeing a new lady. This lady is really, really helping me. However, I'm still struggling so much it's hard to see when the end of the journey will come.

All in all, the whole process is so difficult that I don't quite understand how anyone gets through recovery. I try my best every single day, but during that time the little ED in my head is nagging at me about what I've eaten, what I'm going to eat, how I look, how other people will see me and the feeling of my entire body - it's exhausting.

I'm not sure people really speak about the way they feel about it, anorexia is a very secretive illness. I know that from experience, I don't really speak about it with anyone apart from the relevant people but it saddens me when some people never, ever speak about it and suffer with the thoughts. I understand it, it IS draining and painful. To think so badly about yourself and not be able to stop, it's heart breaking to step out of my skin sometimes and look at myself and see what I'm doing.

I see it as being two different people, and so do the people around me. There's me, the girl who has always wanted to have a laugh, loveable, a fighter. Then there's the anorexic side of me, the one who gets angry at everyone, especially myself, the one who stops the sensible me from reaching a full recovery. A constant battle between myself and someone else who has become a part of me, one maybe my mind is too afraid to let go of.

But I have to let go, I need to. There's no two ways about it, I really need to get the strength to stick to my meal plan, realise that the food is my medicine and not my enemy, that food doesn't equal fat, it actually equals life. God dammit, I need to take my own bloody advice.

I cannot ever stress it enough how important it is to talk about your mental illnesses, I want the entire world to know this however my presence on Earth just isn't as big as I would like it to be to make this get out to every single human. But if you read this, yes you, and you're struggling please talk to someone. Do not suffer, you just don't deserve to fight that battle alone.

Sigh, another post about mental health - I guess that's all I really know!

Taking control.

Today I said something out loud that I've never really spent the time thinking too much about. On my way home from an appointment with my eating disorder practitioner, after realising that I really AM fully on the road to recovery I realised that I am afraid to be okay.

I said to my mum and my brother "I'm scared to not have anything anymore" - it sounds RIDICULOUS. But it was followed by a tonne of tears and a crying headache. It's the truth though, I feel like I am afraid of being okay because like I also said to them, I don't know who or what I am without these problems I seem to have grown up with since I was at least 10 years old.

From the age of 10 I've suffered with anxiety (health, general, social), depression, OCD and this bloody eating disorder. Who the fricken shit am I without all of these?! This person I am is all I know, I don't know who the 'real Shannon' is and it's pretty terrifying.

My brother and my mum went on to say "when you're being funny with that dry sarcastic sense of humour that's the real you, when you're with Ryan, that's you" and it's just odd that everyone else sees these aspects of 'me' that I don't even recognise as me most of the time.

My mum said that I'm somewhat going through a grieving process for the little knicks in my head that have controlled the way I've thought, the way I've lived and gone through my life over the years. She said that it's all horrible thoughts though, and when it's all gone and all better I'll just be...me?

IT IS A VERY STRANGE CONCEPT TO ACTUALLY GET MY HEAD AROUND. I've just never took the time to sit down and think about it, to realise that perhaps that's whats been holding me back. Because I'm too afraid to let go and be okay...as much as I really want to there is all these things in my head holding me back and I guess that's precisely what mental illnesses are. They try to take over your whole life, sometimes succeeding and not wanting to budge when you're taking control and doing something about it.

It can be repeated time and time again, I, you, we, are not our mental illnesses. We are who we are, we are the people who have our whitty, unique ways of living, probably funny (am I blowing my own trumpet? you bet your ass I am), loving, kind and caring people who have so much more to live for and so many more people who love us and to make proud. We don't need to let the shit in our heads hold us back, it's just a matter of finally taking control.

My boyfriend said that I'm feeling like this because new things are scary, that's it I guess. The feeling of being truly happy and okay in my mind is something I've never really known, it's new but it's nice, right? And why should I be afraid of that...

It's just a matter of time before I can finally say I'm there, I'M OKAY. I'm terrified, but I'm so open to letting it happen, to let the things in my head finally go and live the life I've always wanted to. Oh, what a day.

Recovery.

Hi guys, gonna get serious on this mother. I will always say mental illness is one of the most important talking points, to keep it alive and don't let it slide under the carpet because it's important that people get better.

About a month ago I started to process of finally getting better, I'm still having to fight certain aspects of it like the food etc, but all in all I'm just simply getting better. I'm finally starting to feel okay in every day life, it feels weird and new because really I'm not used to feeling okay. I spent so much time being sad that I forgot what it was like to spend a day simply feeling okay.

I somewhat feel like my mind was fighting with me to not get better all this time and to stay living within the diagnosis of depression and stuff. To stay being miserable and hating life everyday but now I've finally started to kick it all away and I AM RECOVERING.

I feel weird saying I'm in recovery but I am, I'm finally getting a life that I've let myself miss out on and I'm finally seeing the world in a different way. I haven't had half as many days where I just want to lay in bed in silence since I started the process. That's so weird for me because those days would occur so often, more and more so as time went on. But I don't want to give in to that anymore.

I'm still struggling in certain ways but I'm hoping my inner strength will help me get through that and the amazing support of my family and friends.

Choose to recover because it is the best thing in the world. Make this year the year you leave that life behind and get the one back that you deserve.

Educate Young Minds On Mental Illness.

Hiiiii!

Something really personal to me, and close to me are mental illnesses. Growing up with them and still living with many is common knowledge to those close to me, maybe even anyone who reads this blog because I believe speaking about it is THE most important thing. Last night I was having a bad one, it was almost 11pm and there I was on the brink of having yet another meltdown. Debating whether to wake my mum and have a cry, or just work through it.

Then I got pissed off. I took myself back to primary school, I had no idea what anxiety was, no idea what body image problems were, what even was depression?! Did anyone even really know what they were in primary school? Probably not.

I've always been a very shy girl, when I was little I was an actual mouse and looking back I've probably had serious anxiety issues since I started school. That's awful.

Why did I get pissed off? I got pissed off because I thought, WHY DO WE NOT REALLY GET TAUGHT ABOUT THIS STUFF IN SCHOOL?!

We literally never got taught about mental illnesses in school, we never got taught about how to deal with this stuff if we were to ever get things like depression, OCD or anxiety etc. So when these problems come into our lives we're like what the frick is going on?

We should be taught this stuff from day 1, there's a thing called PSHE and this should be a huge topic within that. Except that is always focused on things like "oh, don't try a cigarette due to peer pressure, tut tut don't do that" but no one ever says "one day you might feel really, really crappy about life but it's okay and there is help". NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THIS. No one ever tells you what mental illnesses are and that's just really ticked me off.

You know, one day I'd like for this to really get into schools. Mental illnesses are so much more open now and everyone knows someone with one, this needs to be spoken about more.

I've seen people feel awful at younger ages, sometimes it's worrying that it's becoming a 'trend' but a lot of kids actually have problems and it's sprung on them in no time and they don't know how to deal with it.

Classes should be put in place for this, to tell people what it's like, how to deal with it and who to talk to and that there is help out there. Yeah, stuff like this is all over the news and internet but not everyone watches the news or looks at stuff like this on the internet. Because how can a young person even put a name to their extreme sadness if they have no idea what it is? That's what I'm trying to say.

Education on this is necessary and I hope one day it gets put in place.

I apologise for the slightly political post, is this political? I don't know, I just know it would have to go through that kinda system to be put in place. DAMMIT I HAVE NO POWER BUT THIS MUST BE DONE.

Power to the people and all that.