BIG FAT SIGH.

I'm totally sighing at life right now. I've been absolutely fine for the past few weeks, I returned to London and my mind went back on itself and bummed me out.

You see, when I was little my dream was to live in London and work at a magazine - I'm now 19 and a half and have no idea really what I want anymore and it's infuriating. It's annoying not knowing whether to take the plunge and drop out of university tomorrow or stick with it and stay being miserable.

I'm 19, of course I'm going to change my mind about my life plan but it's a shame because I was so certain all this time what I wanted. 80% of me wants to just get on with life, stop messing around with education that could or could not pay off and just start living. Start earning a living, save up for a place of my own, learn to drive etc etc. What am I actually doing? Stressing about semester 2, sitting in my university room bored out of my head and have no real plan of what I want anymore.

Is this normal? To be totally unsure of my whole entire life?

I'M AN EMO MESS.

I hate the fact that I'm trying super hard to stay positive but no one is seeing that, it's just hard to fight it sometimes. It's hard to stay positive when you worked your arse off last semester and received not much to show for it, but that is literally the story of my life in education. I've always worked really hard but in reality I'm just not the best academic writer on Earth so it never seems to pay off in a good way for me, it just leaves me feeling disappointed in myself with a list of criticisms that aren't constructive in the slightest.

Everyone makes out they're preparing you for education but they're not, high school never prepared us for what sixth form chucked at us and sixth form never, EVER prepared us for what university was about to throw at us. Everyone said it would be way easier than sixth form which is THE funniest thing I think any teacher has ever said to me, the only good thing to come out of this is me making loads of amazing new friends and becoming independent - although, I kinda gave up on cooking real meals and went straight to sandwiches within like a month.

No one ever prepares you for the uncertainty that makes you feel like a total failure to yourself and everyone else, to doubt your decisions is a horrible feeling because it makes you feel like you're wasting everyones time and more importantly your own time. No one ever prepares you for how lonely you'll feel sometimes when you're laying in silence in your bedroom for hours on end. No one ever tells you that you're going to question your entire life decisions and then be completely stumped about what you actually want to do and feel super alone with these thoughts. The worst part is you just don't want to disappoint anyone, but to me I'm disappointing myself but letting myself get more and more bummed out and not being able to snap out of it.

Tell me if you've ever felt like this so I feel a little less alone with this…

What I've Learned In Semester 1 - Tips From Me To You.

Hiiiiiii!

Semester 1 is almost over and the past three months have been a very huge learning curve, it's been an emotional roller coaster if I'm honest. I've met people, I've had little mental breakdowns and it's just all been very strange - but also very good. I learnt a lot, some humorous things in fact that I'd like to share with you so heres what I have learned in the past three months and things that I simply want to pass onto you, like tips in a sense I guess? ENJOY.

1. No one knows where Suffolk is despite it being an hour and a half drive away from London. 

2. Parties.

• Just because you have purchased Doritos and Tequila doesn't mean it's a Mexican party, especially when you've eaten the majority of the Doritos before anyone arrives.
• Parties are v different at all unis.
• Someone will steal your voddy but deal with it and move on.
• If someone leaves their voddy at yours because your flat is the usual pre-drink place then it's yours now, simple as move along.

3. Es ee ex.

• People literally do not care if you are a V man or like to hit it whenever possible. Nobody cares, don't worry if you're a Virgin Mary and if you're not Mr/Mrs V then you shouldn't feel the need to splurge your stories over a game of Never Have I Ever - chances are nobody cares unless someone has actually asked…in that case feel free.

4. You'll see some weird things in your life.

• When I say this I mean there's a chance you will be called into your flat mates room to look over at the hotel across the road to see a couple getting jiggy, you might even see a strangers bits and pieces dangling between their legs - THIS IS A THING THAT /MIGHT/ HAPPEN. 

5. Friendships.

• Friendships will blossom from night one at university. 
• Within a week you will have pee'd in front of your flat mates, you might even have a panic attack on the floor while your flat mate has a pee in front of you in your bathroom. 
• Friendships will move at 100mph, you'll go from strangers to best friends within days - it's quite beautiful. 
• Farting in front of your new friends is one of the biggest turning points of the whole friendship, it's real from that moment onwards. 

6. Relationships. 

• Boys/girls you start to dig within the first few weeks aren't ones you need to hold onto for the whole year, you don't need to get hooked. 
• If you give your number to a boy out of pressure on the first night in a proper club in London then you see them on the fourth night and they're like "aren't you -insert name" after you've ignored their texts, it's totally okay to lie and say you have no idea who they're talking about and then run away! 
• Your whole "I don't kiss boys I don't like" mentality might go out of the window, yolo, live while we're young n all that. 
• If you go to uni you might fancy a million and one boys BECAUSE BOYS RULE. 

7. Weird things will be done and it's okay.

• When I say this I mean that it's okay if there's no toilet roll left in the pub toilet and you use the cardboard instead. 
• Also if you've chucked half a bag of Doritos in the bin in your room and the next day they're teasing you so you get them back out and eat them. 

8. I fall over more in this city than I ever have done in my home town. 

• Yep, I seem to have increased my clumsiness. I fell over in Urban Outfitters in super slow motion and got 'pushed' outside Charring Cross and it was absolutely hilarious. 

I swear half of these aren't personal experiences, promise.

Hope you enjoyed! BYYYE SEMESTER 1.