Update!

Hi hi hi,

Once again I've been so disgustingly unmotivated to write anything on this blog that I've abandoned it 5eva. A lot has happened since I left university and when I say left I mean permanently which leaves me thinking about the future…

Okay, so here I am a University drop out. Where is my band to start singing around me like on Grease when the chick is a beauty school drop out? Or because I went to a painfully average London university do I not get the privilege?!

All year I spent my time wondering if being at university was the right thing for me, I had THE best time. If you read my blog, know me, follow me on any form of social media you will know this. I made the most amazing friends from all over the world/country, had some mad nights, got to explore London on my one women treks around the city and fell in love with the city all over again. But that's not why I moved there primarily, I moved there to start earning a degree… a degree which I quickly lost interest in. All my life I've wanted to be in the entertainment/journalism industry, so off I went to study a course I thought I would love - instead I was left all year losing my passion for the career I'd longed after for so long. That makes me sad. I'm sad that the passion went and I'm sad that I don't have it in me anymore to complete a degree, I feel LIKE A TOTAL BUM.

But so, so, so many people are the same and don't continue with their studies after the first year, a lot even drop out during! Which I wanted to do so many times but was encouraged to stay. It makes me feel okay knowing that it's normal and fine to not want to be at university. Unfortunately, our generation is force fed the thought that to succeed we need to go to uni but really that isn't the case and I hope and pray that I find my way. I'm currently super lost in a part time temp job, I really want to discover the right path for me and I'm nervous, so very nervous. The big world of being an adult is scary lolzzzz.

What else has happened since I left university…I turned 20, yuck, boring (need to change my blog layout and sidebar, no longer a 19 year old student in London)

I got a little puppy named Sid, I like to think of him as me in dog form - a bit odd and a midget.

I got a boyf lol, the boy I have 'luvved' since I was 14 and dumped him 5 times over 10 months as I was a confused, naive child who didn't know how to deal with having a boy dig her. SO THAT'S INTERESTING INIT. 

Nothing else of any interest has /really/ happened in the last few months that has changed my life…on the mental health side of things I am now at a clinic to sort my eating out and it's super scary but I'll get there. My life is looking up so much, a puppy, a boi, no more education, all I need is a job to get me going and I'll be set.

I shan't be giving up hope on finding my way, it's scary and there's so many people who have probably hit a wall in knowing what they want in life and I'm sure they too have found their way.

OH BEING AN ADULT, WHAT R U LIKE. 

x x 

BIG FAT SIGH.

I'm totally sighing at life right now. I've been absolutely fine for the past few weeks, I returned to London and my mind went back on itself and bummed me out.

You see, when I was little my dream was to live in London and work at a magazine - I'm now 19 and a half and have no idea really what I want anymore and it's infuriating. It's annoying not knowing whether to take the plunge and drop out of university tomorrow or stick with it and stay being miserable.

I'm 19, of course I'm going to change my mind about my life plan but it's a shame because I was so certain all this time what I wanted. 80% of me wants to just get on with life, stop messing around with education that could or could not pay off and just start living. Start earning a living, save up for a place of my own, learn to drive etc etc. What am I actually doing? Stressing about semester 2, sitting in my university room bored out of my head and have no real plan of what I want anymore.

Is this normal? To be totally unsure of my whole entire life?

I'M AN EMO MESS.

I hate the fact that I'm trying super hard to stay positive but no one is seeing that, it's just hard to fight it sometimes. It's hard to stay positive when you worked your arse off last semester and received not much to show for it, but that is literally the story of my life in education. I've always worked really hard but in reality I'm just not the best academic writer on Earth so it never seems to pay off in a good way for me, it just leaves me feeling disappointed in myself with a list of criticisms that aren't constructive in the slightest.

Everyone makes out they're preparing you for education but they're not, high school never prepared us for what sixth form chucked at us and sixth form never, EVER prepared us for what university was about to throw at us. Everyone said it would be way easier than sixth form which is THE funniest thing I think any teacher has ever said to me, the only good thing to come out of this is me making loads of amazing new friends and becoming independent - although, I kinda gave up on cooking real meals and went straight to sandwiches within like a month.

No one ever prepares you for the uncertainty that makes you feel like a total failure to yourself and everyone else, to doubt your decisions is a horrible feeling because it makes you feel like you're wasting everyones time and more importantly your own time. No one ever prepares you for how lonely you'll feel sometimes when you're laying in silence in your bedroom for hours on end. No one ever tells you that you're going to question your entire life decisions and then be completely stumped about what you actually want to do and feel super alone with these thoughts. The worst part is you just don't want to disappoint anyone, but to me I'm disappointing myself but letting myself get more and more bummed out and not being able to snap out of it.

Tell me if you've ever felt like this so I feel a little less alone with this…

What I've Learned In Semester 1 - Tips From Me To You.

Hiiiiiii!

Semester 1 is almost over and the past three months have been a very huge learning curve, it's been an emotional roller coaster if I'm honest. I've met people, I've had little mental breakdowns and it's just all been very strange - but also very good. I learnt a lot, some humorous things in fact that I'd like to share with you so heres what I have learned in the past three months and things that I simply want to pass onto you, like tips in a sense I guess? ENJOY.

1. No one knows where Suffolk is despite it being an hour and a half drive away from London. 

2. Parties.

• Just because you have purchased Doritos and Tequila doesn't mean it's a Mexican party, especially when you've eaten the majority of the Doritos before anyone arrives.
• Parties are v different at all unis.
• Someone will steal your voddy but deal with it and move on.
• If someone leaves their voddy at yours because your flat is the usual pre-drink place then it's yours now, simple as move along.

3. Es ee ex.

• People literally do not care if you are a V man or like to hit it whenever possible. Nobody cares, don't worry if you're a Virgin Mary and if you're not Mr/Mrs V then you shouldn't feel the need to splurge your stories over a game of Never Have I Ever - chances are nobody cares unless someone has actually asked…in that case feel free.

4. You'll see some weird things in your life.

• When I say this I mean there's a chance you will be called into your flat mates room to look over at the hotel across the road to see a couple getting jiggy, you might even see a strangers bits and pieces dangling between their legs - THIS IS A THING THAT /MIGHT/ HAPPEN. 

5. Friendships.

• Friendships will blossom from night one at university. 
• Within a week you will have pee'd in front of your flat mates, you might even have a panic attack on the floor while your flat mate has a pee in front of you in your bathroom. 
• Friendships will move at 100mph, you'll go from strangers to best friends within days - it's quite beautiful. 
• Farting in front of your new friends is one of the biggest turning points of the whole friendship, it's real from that moment onwards. 

6. Relationships. 

• Boys/girls you start to dig within the first few weeks aren't ones you need to hold onto for the whole year, you don't need to get hooked. 
• If you give your number to a boy out of pressure on the first night in a proper club in London then you see them on the fourth night and they're like "aren't you -insert name" after you've ignored their texts, it's totally okay to lie and say you have no idea who they're talking about and then run away! 
• Your whole "I don't kiss boys I don't like" mentality might go out of the window, yolo, live while we're young n all that. 
• If you go to uni you might fancy a million and one boys BECAUSE BOYS RULE. 

7. Weird things will be done and it's okay.

• When I say this I mean that it's okay if there's no toilet roll left in the pub toilet and you use the cardboard instead. 
• Also if you've chucked half a bag of Doritos in the bin in your room and the next day they're teasing you so you get them back out and eat them. 

8. I fall over more in this city than I ever have done in my home town. 

• Yep, I seem to have increased my clumsiness. I fell over in Urban Outfitters in super slow motion and got 'pushed' outside Charring Cross and it was absolutely hilarious. 

I swear half of these aren't personal experiences, promise.

Hope you enjoyed! BYYYE SEMESTER 1. 

Positive Tuesdays: Week Seven.

Hello! Yep, I missed another week didn't I so let's start a fresh, let's not focus on the weeks I missed. This is now week 7 okay, but it's probably 7 and 8 I don't know…I'M CONFUSED, JUST IGNORE ALL OF THAT. 

The past couple of weeks haven't been my best mentally, I'll be honest. I won't lie and say I've been a radiant ball of positivity because I really haven't. I've been having a tough time, questioning a lot of things but I'm figuring it out or at least trying. I'll get back on my feet, I always manage to even when it seems impossible. If I've done it before I can do it again and that's what I'm aiming to do. 

So my good little things that have happened are that I went home last weekend and that was really lovely, I loved seeing my mum, dad, brother and his fiancé. We went out for dinner and stuff, my dad treated me to a few bits (which was unnecessary but it was really lovely of him, I think he'd missed me…I missed him too!) Although when I was at home I kinda couldn't wait to return to university, I think I went home a little too early although my inner home sickness wanted to go home in reality I should've probably left it a little longer. But I'm seeing my mum and dad next week here in London so that'll be nice! 

When I returned back to London I had a couple of clueless nights out, you know those ones where you wake up the next day and it's like you were in a bubble all night and you remember nothing - AWFUL, DON'T DRINK KIDS IT'S BAD, SO BAD. And I also went on Barclays bikes at 2am and it was cool as hell.

I also have plans to see my favourite Aussies, 5 Seconds of Summer this month too aaaah yeah, the happiness returns. 

OHHHH and Autumn has returned, October is here (but I'm going to be making a post about that soon so…) but that's made me super, super happy holy moly. 

So yeah, I've got things to be happy about, do you?! How has your week been? Please let me know below in the comments, I'd really love to hear! 

x 

Positive Tuesdays: (Not on a Tuesday) Weeks Five and Six.

Hiiiiiii! Yes, I understand it's actually Friday and I haven't done one of these in 2 weeks now but hey, I'm now a student and I have things to do, people to see, Doritos to eat.

It's been a mad couple of weeks, I've been finally settling in after week four of 'Positive Tuesdays'  and it now kinda feels like home here in my little bedroom in London with my flatmates who already feel like family. We can just talk about anything and everything, I love it.

Okay so here are all the good things that have been happening... last week my best friends India and Damian got engaged!!! We've literally all waited for this moment for years, they are the glue to our group and this was just an absolutely lovely thing to have happened. I nearly cried when we got told in the morning and I'm honestly so happy for them, all the congratulations in the world to them!

Last week I partied a bit, ate many Doritos, done some stuff…you know, the normal student stuff.

This week I actually started University and it's so overwhelming and scary, I'm trying to be as positive as I can and think of all the good things that are to come but deep down I'm like nope, I cannot do this and I think I'm just totally scaring myself to the point where I feel turning into a tortoise and hibernating would be the better option - BUT I'M NOT HERE TO BE NEGATIVE SO IGNORE THAT.

It's been a very hectic, scary but fun couple of weeks and it's given me a taster of what's to come for the next 3 years, being a fresher is cool, cooking my own dinner is cool, washing my own clothes is also pretty cool. I keep forgetting I'm in my most favourite city in the whole world, so I think I should definitely stop taking that for granted as of this moment.

How has your week been?! Let me know, I'd really love to hear!

Until next Tuesday (I promise I'll get back on track) ((Actually, don't hold me to that))

x x

Positive Tuesdays: Week Four - UNIVERSITY.

Helllooooo!

As you can see in the title this one is about the thing I've been going on about for months and months, my good thing for the week is that I am finally at University!

I moved on Saturday, I actually did it. On Friday I had the biggest wobble of all, even contemplating not moving at all and just giving up before I'd given it a chance and I stayed in bed all day when I had jobs to do before leaving but I couldn't face doing anything because that meant everything was real and it was actually happening, very scary. But I did it, my dad packed the car up and him and my mum took me down to London and here I am, 4 days later and it's like I've been here for ages.

I've met so many lovely people, my flat mates are ace and it's all just been super natural! I never thought I'd start conversations, I was super nervous about going out drinking but I did it and it's been hilarious and just so fun. With all my anxieties still here I'm working through them because I just have to.

My room is huge, I feel like I need to buy furniture to fill it up and make it more like home but I don't know where to start and I should probably prioritise buying food instead of furniture…

My cute little bed. 

I still feel like I need to make it more homely, but my pin board is looking pretty cute so far! 

So yeah, it's been quite hard in some respects but all in all, rather fun! 

How has your week been?! Let me know I'd love to hear! 

x 

Saturday Is Near.

I've been here almost my whole life, Saturday comes and I'll be looking at a completely different view. I used to love familiarity, I used to love walking around my estate and going by places I played when I was a kid but it's now all a bit too familiar, I don't think I was put on Earth to stay in the same town forever, I think I was put on this Earth to travel and make the most of my life. This change is going to be good. I'll be spending 3 years in London, my favourite city. I'll come home and look at this boring view occasionally, but I'm excited to swap this view for the view of London. I must stay positive and realise that this is an amazing step for me. 2 years ago I would never get on a bus on my own, walk into shops...anything. Come Saturday I will be doing life all on my own (with my mum just on the other side of a phone in case of any potential breakdowns or confusion when I want to cook some food). But let's do this, I'm Shannon and I'm no longer Little Shannon, the girl who was frightened of leaving a bubble I've been kept in all my life, I am now just Shannon...the girl who is finally chasing a dream.

My Year Out.

Hiiiiiii!

Here I am sat on my bed, 11 months after my year out from education begun and I'm reflecting on all the things I have done in these 11 months, there's still a month to go until I move to London to start a new adventure and who knows what could happen in that month? You know, when I started this year out I spent days regretting my decision, crying because I'd chickened out of moving to London and I deferred my university place but now I'm looking back at it all I shouldn't regret a thing. I've done so much! I've grown as a person in some ways and that's cool.

My year out started a few days after A-level results day, I started it by going to London and trying to meet One Direction at their movie premiere and that was the biggest fail of a day, EVER. Screw that day (I'm still very bitter) but then a few days after I had the best weekend of my life at Reading festival and I can't wait to end this year out the exact same way next month!

I then got a job in September, one which I was very reluctant to start as my social anxiety had finally taken a back seat and I wasn't prepared to let it come back but oh, it did. I only lasted a week and I had already cried in front of strangers like a baby because I couldn't handle the job of working at a counter having to 'speak up' to people…I tried my best but the anxiety won and I was already defeated before I had even started. This year was meant to be a learning curve, get over all my problems but that knocked me straight away. After that I spent weeks being angry at my own mind for failing me once again but it all changed when a certain Aussie band came back to the UK and many little London adventures began.

I can't even tell you the amount of times I have travelled to London this year for 5 Seconds of Summer, they've been the primary focus of this gap year, they've been the reason I've travelled to many places this year and that's just super cool.

So like I said the whole social anxiety thing was a problem I just HAD to overcome if I was ever going to be slightly confident to fly the nest this year, so I took on that challenge head first and here I am - a girl who has travelled all the way to Sheffield on her own, all the way to London and all the way to Reading. That is really an achievement I am proud of because a year ago just getting on a bus scared the shit out of me but now I can do all of that with about 15% anxiety levels rather than about 34986945%. Well done, me!

This year I have met loads of people, made loads of new friends who are already based in London who I'll be able to hang out with all the time once September comes.

Okay, so I might not have got a job but I tried (it's just not as easy as you'd hope it would be) but I've spent this year with my mum, most days I've been at home being there for her and her for me and it's going to be the hardest thing ever leaving her in September.

Of course I kinda wish I'd had the money to go travelling around the world in this gap year like most people but I didn't, simple as that, I used money from selling things and the little bit of help from my wonderful parents to just have fun here in the UK and I am happy with that because I've had one of the funnest years of my life.

You don't NEED to go out and travel the world on your gap year, you can just simply have a break from education. We've all been there since the age of 3/4, aren't we entitled to a little break? I think we are. So if you're off to uni in the near future and you want a year out then do it, and have fun!

My little journey to London starts soon and I will never forget this year of my life because it's been an amazing adventure! x

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Making decisions is really scary, it brings on all kinds of anxious feelings. But, we have to make decisions every day - some we don't even want to think about. My biggest decision recently was whether to go to university or not. After the Christmas holiday, I whacked out a banging personal statement (it was actually rather good, okay) then I applied to five universities. I was aiming to commute every day but the past couple of weeks I thought 'where am I going to go in this town? I've got to move'. Don't get me wrong, I love my town. It may be simple, there's not a lot to do but I have amazing friends here and my family have never ventured out of the town. I want to be different, I want to be the one in my family to live away and make a name for myself.

Having the anxieties that I have, this decision was so hard. I will have to go days without seeing my mum and dad (I plan to come home every weekend, if I'm not partying at Mahiki or something sick). Anyway, the thought of being away from my mum is sickening. She is my rock, she's the person I turn to when everything in my head is falling apart. Of course she'll only be a phone call away, to me that doesn't seem quite good enough.

Here's the thing, all my life I've wanted to be on television, despite having all kinds of confidence issues and insecurities, I'm just going to have to fight them. Since I was little Fearne Cotton has been my inspiration and then over the past 3 or 4 years, Caroline Flack has been put on that list. They're exactly who I want to be, I want to be on TV, radio, writing for magazines. Anything. I want to be meeting celebrities on a regular basis, being tight with them and going for drinks in Camden. How cool? THAT IS THE DREAM. If you know me, you know my life is pretty much just 'famous people'. This whole blog is me talking about famous people, well, for the most part. What else would I do with my life?

This is why the decision to apply to university and move to London is the biggest one I've made in a while. It could potentially be life changing, I can't stay in this town forever. I don't want to be working for a local newspaper...I want to be big. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and take whatever life throws at you, take every opportunity. I know from experience that I haven't taken many opportunities that have been offered to me, obviously I live to regret the opportunities I've missed.

Let's hope I get the grades! This post was just something I wanted to speak about, not exactly interesting but hey ho.

Update on my week - it was the last week of term (thank God) and it was just quite shit actually, I haven't felt myself. I finally listened to a band from Australia called 5 Seconds Of Summer, 5SOS for short. They're so, so, so good! Luke Hemmings is absolutely banging. Later this week they were announced as One Directions support act, so I started listening to them at the right time! Oh, Luke followed me on Twitter, that was quite exciting. Next week I'm seeing Little Mix and then 2 days later I am seeing One Direction so I'll be blogging about them!

BYE.