You Bring Me Home.

Hello everyone, it's been a bloody long time hasn't it? If you weren't aware I've been spending a lot more time focussing on my YouTube channel and I seem to have abandoned my original outlet - this blog. If you want to watch me ramble, you can do so here

Anyway, on to todays post...

Look at my new little tattoo, isn’t it so perfect? 

I’ve done posts in the past about my tattoos and their meanings and this one is the one which people might be like “why the fuck have you done that” - you know what they say, don’t get anyone’s name tattooed on you. I learnt that from the best, my dad, I can still see a smidge of ‘Jackie’ and ‘Sharon’ under his weird tomato basket looking tattoo. My mums name is Paula, I don’t know these women and he learnt the hard way about getting names for tattoos. 

But then I’ve watched my mum ink her skin with my dads name 3 times, across her heart, on her wrist and on her wedding ring finger. My dad also has her name on his wedding ring finger, and I’ve always found it adorable. 

I don’t see anything wrong with inking your skin with an important name, why the fuck not?! Your body, your rules, right? 

My new tattoo is not a so painfully obvious declaration of love as it would be if I’d got “I LOVE YOU DANIEL MURDZZZZ” on my forehead. It’s song lyrics which I associate with my love for him. 

Mad? Weird? Absolutely crackers? Maybe. But I like to express my feelings in many a way. I always have, I am a creative person with a busy mind. How can I possibly show the person I love how much I love everything they’ve ever made me feel? I know, mark it on my body forever for him to see every day. He will then know all that he’s done for me. 

“You bring me home” - simple, and why does my love ‘bring me home’ I hear you ask? He is my home. 

He’s shown me love like no other, he’s cared for me in the darkest of times. He’s laughed with me at the highest of highs and cried at the lowest of lows. He’s there at the end of the day, he’s there in the middle so we can ask each other how badly our days are going. He cuddles me to sleep, he wofts his morning breath my way in the morning. He’ll eat nasty Tesco chicken nuggets with me and moan about the pointless use of garlic. He is my other half and he is my home. He is my love and he is my home. He’s seen me go from bad to worse, but at the end he’s brought me home. He is my home. 

I adore this human with all of my heart, and I will express my love for him in many forms of art. I will write him letters, type write little things I love about him and put them in a box, I will send him smooshy, unreasonable texts at silly hours of the day. I will love him with every piece of me and he will do the same back. He’s special. 

He is my home and this one is for you, Dan. 

(Let’s hope we don’t break up, if we do this tattoo is harry styles lyrics n I just love harry styles OKAY?)

Mental Health: A Boyfriends Point Of View

Hello everyone!

Happy Sunday, here we are, part two of my three blog posts with my loved ones on mental health. This time it is with my boyfriend, Dan. I have spoken about Dan so many times on this blog and in real life, he is my main talking point.

I've spoken about being in love when having anxiety before here - it's fucking hard. It is so hard, to put someone through something when they have the choice to leave, it's hard to try and hold on to someone. But with Dan, I don't feel like that although I will always say to him "you could have a much easier life with someone else" he has not once said he wants to run away, not once. He has been my safe place since day one, he's amazing. I love him very much.

Here is Dans point of view...

"Hello to everyone who reads Shannons blog, either to find inspiration with their own struggles or finds comfort in something they can relate to. 

Firstly I would like to give you a bit of background on how me and Shannon met, it probably is a rather typical way of meeting people these days as we met on Tinder.  This was a way we didn’t really expect to meet anyone, it all started with me leaving my phone in my best friends car, I came up with a stupid message that I had to drive all the way to his just so I can message her.  Stupid and cringe I know! Please forgive me….. 

Either way from that moment me and Shannon have been non stop talking and I found a truly beautiful and wonderful person. 

Although Shannon had always been open about her health anxiety and always been open about having an eating disorder, I had never truly experienced these things in person. I have to be honest, mental health was something I didn’t understand or take seriously. To anyone who hasn’t seen mental health or experienced it themselves first hand I totally understand why you would think ‘just let it pass’, ‘get a grip and get over it’...I have been there, but I have to say I was wrong and if anyone does think that, well it couldn’t be further from the truth.

The first two months I saw none of Shannons mental health struggles and I thought ahh here we go… It doesn’t exist… EVERYTHING was amazing, we fell in love (quickly) but sometimes when you know you know. This was totally the case with me and Shannon. I have never met anyone I can relate to more, never met anyone with so much depth and beauty! But this girl was and still is right there in front of me. I want you all to know that even though this all changed when her mental health started to grow and became a part of my life the way I feel about her has never changed. I still see the smiles the laughter and amazing person SHE is. Through the pain, the upset and the bad days, there are amazing days and memories we have made that I will cherish for the rest of our lives.

Shannon has told me to be totally honest, say if things make me mad, angry, sad and to tell you all if I  ever have thought "you know what FUCK THIS I am out of here".  There are times that I get angry, of course there is. I have my own crap days, tough days at work/home. This means sometimes my patience before I see ‘RED’ is a little bit lower or I have little less I can handle. I know that Shannon totally understands this, she doesn’t want her mental health problems to hurt me, anger me, the words she says just come out. That, in my eyes isn’t her saying them, they are this completely different persona feeding her these things to say out loud. 

I come home and JUST before I walk in I think "what Shannon am I getting today?" I pray everyday that I come in and she is smiling. I know that isn’t always going to be the case, but it doesn’t stop me begging for it. Although Shannon is ALWAYS happy to see me come through that door her reasons maybe different at times, this is the same with anyone. Sometimes its so she can unload the crap day she has had and the crap day I have had. Sometimes it is because she genuinely is happy to see me. But someone suffering with health anxiety also thinks "OH MY GOD DANS HOME he can tell me if I am okay". I get questions like 'do my eyes look okay?' 'My head hurts is it a brain tumour?' Now I can tell you my job isn’t a doctor I work for Nationwide Building Society……. So answering these questions only comes down to me knowing the real issue. Shannon is suffering with an illness, but its not the illness that she thinks (brain tumours, cancer, more recently tetanus) it is her health anxiety. These are the reasons I can say tell her 'no its not this' or 'yes that is normal…' 

As I previously said when me and Shannon first got together I didn’t see any of this. The first month we had nothing but happiness in each others company. I think when you get that first stage of a relationship nothing will ruin it… After that I actually totally relied on her as the other most important lady in my life got struck down with her own mental health issues. Of course that person is my mum… I had to be at home A LOT and away from Shannon and be there for my mum and dad. This was a truly defining moment in mine and Shannons relationship. I told her that I couldn’t spend the time I wanted with her and we had been together a month. I had broken down and cried to her already.. I told her that if she wants out she can go now. I couldn’t give her the time that she deserves. Instead of running away from me, Shannon made her house my own. She set me up with a drawer in her chest of drawers with clothes and deodorant. She told me "if you ever need to get away for the night you can come here". She made her home my safe haven to get away to. That to me was a truly remarkable and wonderful thing to do. Shannon was never scared of her own mental health problems and never scared of my mums having an effect on our relationship, she embraced it. 

This brings me to the first time I saw her mental health problems. We went to London over night to escape everything from home. All was fine until we had to go home and we were sitting with her best friend Sanna in the restaurant Giraffe on South Bank. Shannon started saying she saw a little light in her eye floating…. Boom! Suddenly Shannon thinks she has a brain tumour. Although the floating light went, the thought of brain tumours stayed. Suddenly the mental health problems I thought that didn’t really exist were coming to life. Now I had the chance to go run away, get scared, mad, sad. I didn’t...I embraced it, Shannon had done that beautiful, amazing thing for me and I still believed and again still do believe I am the luckiest boy in the world to have her and I started to fight her corner from this day. 

Am I scared of her mental health? Yes of course there are things I am scared of… I am scared how it will impact our future. BUT it is OUR future and I will not allow it to break us. What I am not scared of is her health anxiety persona. I know that this battle is our battle now and together we will defeat it. We will learn ways to make her stronger and in turn make that weaker. She has always told me not to think I can save her. I totally agree, Shannon has to tackle this herself but she can tackle it with the support of me and Ben who previously posted and her mum, dad, brother and friends. Some days I am sad about it, I see how it breaks her down and ruins her days and when you love someone and you see an illness break them down of course it breaks you but it doesn’t stop me getting back up and it doesn’t stop her. Anyone fighting mental health whether it's my mum or Shannon or anyone, I am truly proud of the struggles you go through. I am merely an outsider I have never had these issues myself but just know that I understand. 

If anyone was to ask how I feel, I would say I feel lucky to have her, I feel blessed that I get to spend everyday with her. Okay maybe we have problems like any relationship. Yes her mental health can completely take over our days sometimes. Yes she is always fighting the things in her head in the fear she mentions it I will get mad. But I still feel lucky and she needs to know that is enough for me, to have her and be able to make the memories we do is enough for me. Shannon does some really amazing things and sometimes she forgets what a beautiful person she is inside and out. Her pain can take over and make her think she is the worst person in the world when really...she is the most caring person I have ever met." 

I said this last time, that when you are deep within the grips of your mental health you kind of forget about the ones around you and how they feel but I am so aware of Dans feelings. I cannot wait to be able to get through a day without falling into my anxious trap and to get through it to be wit Dan at the end of it.

I found a little gem here, I want to keep him for a long time... 

Mental Health: A Best Friends Point Of View

Hey everyone,

Welcome to part one of three...I am starting a new little 'series' where I will get 3 of the most important people in my life and my mental health journey to just talk a little about how it has affected them.

First of all, my best friend Ben

Ben has been my best friend for many years. We met at school, I used to go into one of the blocks and watch him play ping pong and then he would come over and make me laugh until I wanted to pee (he still does) 

We have a very special friendship, I love him like a brother. I laugh, cry, smile and share all of my memories with him. He is family.

I would not have been able to get through so many things in my journey without him there to catch me on the bad days. He's been there through the highs and the lows, the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression and the break ups. He was always there. He's been there from celebrating successes in life, to watching me breaking down because I didn't want to live when I broke up with my ex. 

He has watched me in these times a lot more than my other friends, I see him every week and share it all with him. He has experienced it first hand and has become a safe place for me.

That's the thing when you are suffering, you collect all of the  things or people which make you feel safe. It's their choice if they want to stick around - Ben has, for that reason I am so lucky. 

This is Bens point of view... 

"I don’t actually the remember the first time I met Shannon (she clearly doesn’t mean that much to me). I reckon it was probably in Media class in high school; whilst I was being a teacher’s pet she was probably, well, doing the same. It was only when we became really close that I began to learn about Shannon’s mental health and to tell the truth, the first time I’d learnt about mental health at all. Being a young, impressionable (nerdy) young man, I can’t really recall being aware of a thing called ‘mental health’ because I nor my parents had come into contact with it and even if they had, they wouldn’t have told me.

As my friendship grew and grew with Shannon during and after our education, she became like a sister to me. I now know everything about Shannon; what her habits are, how her mind works and unfortunately, how fucking awful her farts are. This closeness meant Shannon was much more susceptible to opening up to me and in time, I began to understand how such a crippling affliction affected pretty much everyone, including me (and if you think it hasn’t, then well, you’re lying). 

On the eating disorder - 

She was always obsessed with her image and was constantly concerned of what people thought when they looked at her. Personally, I think the plague of social media didn’t help and I’m sure the same goes for many young girls, and boys, of that age. I always did and still do find it frustrating when Shannon asks ‘Do my legs look massive?’ or ‘Do you think I have a big belly?’. No matter how many ‘No darling, you look fine’ one-liners I pumped out, Shannon refused to believe me, or anyone else for that matter. She’s improved a hell of a lot in that sense over the years so bloody well done to her and I hope one day she will be able to see what we all see, a beautiful woman full of life.

Selfishly (or selflessly, depending on how you look it), I have always preferred talking about Shannon’s problems compared to mine because…

1) Shannon’s problems are always real problems that affect her day to day life. My latest girl problem or aggro at work doesn’t even come close to what Shannon has to deal with on a daily basis.

2) If Shannon needs to talk to me, I want her to. I never want her to feel like she can’t open up to me.

On the 'break up' - 

The break up was a bloody awful time for Shannon. The way the whole thing unravelled was heart breaking for me to watch but obviously, a living hell for Shannon. That whole time really affected her and was a big setback on her road to recovery. She thought she had everything she needed and was convinced she was set for life; I thought the same thing for a time too. However, it didn’t work out and it really broke Shannon. I tried to be there as much as I could but the damage was already done and I hope Shannon never ever has to go through anything close to that again. However there is one big positive to take from that utter shit storm. She must take solace from the fact she got through that. She was strong, resilient and dealt with everything she faced like an adult. I can definitely say I am nowhere near strong enough to get through something like that but Shannon did, and that says a lot about her as a person.

How it affects me sometimes -

Sometimes I do feel helpless. I have gone home countless times from spending time with her asking myself ‘How can I help more?’ or ‘How can Shannon fix this?’. I have always been naive enough to believe the answer is in books - hence me buying her some sort of well-being related book EVERY Christmas and birthday (Sorry Shannon). But I think the answer to this is people. Shannon has some fantastic people in her life; a loving family, supportive colleagues, caring friends and praise the lord, an awesome boyfriend. As long as these people continue to talk and support Shannon and she continues to offload her thoughts onto them, she will one day beat this. Talking about stuff is key, NEVER bottle any problem up, no matter how big or small.

To bring this poorly written, grammatically incorrect monologue to a close, I feel incredibly blessed to have Shannon in my life. I take great comfort that whatever problem we face in life, we will share it and tackle it together. I am overwhelmingly proud of Shannon. She plays herself down but deals with so much shit and just keeps on going. I know one day she will beat this, she is way stronger than she thinks. 

(Now she promised she’d pay me for this interview and she ‘claims’ she sent a cheque in the post. Let this post go on record, I HAVE NOT BEEN PAID. I will be suing)." 

Sometimes I forget that there are other people involved in my journey, as much as I care for others sometimes I am so absorbed in everything in my mind that I forget about my friends and family for that split second. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to listen to my family, my friends, their stories. I want to get better for me primarily but for others too, like Ben. Someone who has always put up a fight for me, for that Ben, I thank you. 

Take Your Own Advice...

Hey everyone,

As you well know I enjoy doing a blog post when times are very tough - it helps me. Right now I'm having a fucking tough day.

Heres the thing I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk, I can do blog posts upon blog posts talking about how to try and get through bad spells of mental health but here I am, still struggling daily.

Some days are better, some really are not and today is one of those days. I'll be honest I have spent the day panicking, internally and externally. I have wound my mum up all day and annoyed myself. I even tried to meditate to take my mind off of the thought of calling the doctors.

My heart keeps beating out of my chest and every time I try to nap my mind becomes alive, like electric and that's it, I panic all over again.

My vision feels wrong and my health anxiety is through the roof because of this.

Fact is, I increased my medication last week and it means I'm super sleepy and duh...when you're tired your vision takes the brunt of it, right? RIGHT. Listen rational Shannon, listen.

What I'm trying to say is that even though I'm trying so hard to help, to write about mental health and preach and preach and preach, that doesn't mean I'm any where near getting better. My journey is constant, I feel like I'm just on a long fucking road and one day I'll reach my destination (happiness, health and wellness) but right now I keep having to stop off at a service station to have a pee in a stinky toilet, get some junk food and have a long old stretch...then I'll get back on the road again.

I should take my own advice, we all should. We are probably all sweet as fuck advice givers but when it comes to our own problems we go blank. What is rationality? I don't fucking know, ask someone who knows what in the dick is going on in the world.

Here is the thing, let's say I had a friend who had health anxiety and they said to me "Shannon, I am really scared all of the time that I have a brain tumour, I feel so tense and awful and anxious...I have headaches, a tense back, my concentration is off, I don't feel good" - I would say "go to the doctors, you need to address your anxiety with them, that's the problem" 

Wow, good advice Shannon, where are YOU when I need you?!

We need to reach out for our rational side, they are in there and they care for you more than anything. The bad side wants to bring you down and ruin any good thing you have going for you. Fuck that, fuck that shit.

Keep fighting, be rational, take your own advice...I sure am going to learn to!

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

World Mental Health Day 2017

Hey everyone,

The time of year has come again where we all seem to recognise mental health, and that's great. It should be recognised and fought for every single day but if one day makes more people stand up and talk and stand up and realise what is happening then again, that is great.

Over the last few months I have written quite a few of blog posts talking about how I'm getting on and my on going struggles with my own mind. With this I have had quite a few people come and speak to me about their own troubles and that is AMAZING. It's fucking terrible that they are struggling but thank God they are opening up, even if it is just to someone they don't know too well. I want people to feel like they can speak to me, I am just one person struggling, there are millions feeling the exact same way. This is something we all need to remember.

Today is a day for recognising our own battles, knowing we are fighting and we are going to win. Sometimes people don't make it through the fight and bless their souls for even trying, it's fucking hard, it's a real fucking hard fight.

I recognise my battle now, I see what I'm doing and I am getting better I need to remember this. A few months ago I was at crisis point, I wanted to be taken away and locked up and not let out until I was better but here I am sat at my kitchen table on my own and not being consumed by my thoughts entirely, I feel like I am breathing again. Slowly, but I am.

I am overcoming aspects of my battle one by one. I am really, really getting through my eating disorder. I am eating whatever I want to really and I am gaining weight. Sometimes I hate it and I hate looking at my body, the next minute I'm like 'WOW you have curves and those tits are the size of a house' (I literally love my boobs) - I always wanted to be little Shannon however I need to realise that I cannot always be little Shannon. One day I will have to be a mum and a wife and I cannot be those things when I was in that state. I'm getting better, I'm getting back the me I lost, I am getting her back.

Knowing I can get through that aspect is driving me to get through this little chapter too. I am seeing this as a little bump in my journey, one that will make me a lot stronger and one day I hope to help others.

I am rationalising things more, I am getting my energy and motivation back, I am learning to see reality again. I am getting there.

I hope anyone on their own journeys will continue their fight, you are so strong, you are doing so well to get up every day and face the day, I know it's hard but you do it. You should be proud of everything you do, one small step at a time. If you have set backs that is okay, a little set back does not take away all of the progress you have made. You are amazing and you deserve the world, continue on your journey and go through the door which is calling you. Behind that door is fun, love, family, friends and no demons trying to drag you down. Treat yourself with goods things, be kind to yourself, the journey comes to an end and we all need to know the end is just the start of an even better journey.

x x x

All The Good Things

Hey sweets,

In times of poor mental health it is always easy to forget the good things you are surrounded with. It is also always easy for people to say to you "you have everything going for you, why are you letting this beat you?" - for starters, it's not a choice. To be depressed, riddled with anxiety etc is not a choice. It is a chemical imbalance, just a little error in the make up of our brains, going off track on the road you were following. But never a choice. 

I have been at the receiving end of comments like these, I know I am a very lucky girl. I know I have so many good things in my life but that does not stop anxiety being the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. It does not stop these thoughts when I am out and about having fun, they are always there.

However, it IS helpful to remind yourself of the things you do have to ground yourself. If you keep reminding yourself, keep thinking of the good parts of the day instead of the negative then eventually they will become the first thing you think about and the last thing you think about. 

I wanted to do a post about all the lovely things in my life. I'm having a bad day after making a slight bit of progress, my health anxiety is trying to knock me down, I'm having bad dreams and I'm exhausted but I'm going to take some time to just reflect and remember what I am fighting for. 

First of all...

My Family - 

My God am I lucky to have been blessed with this family of mine. My mum is my rock, she always has been and always will be. She is my world and my best friend and I am very lucky to have her constant support even when it all gets a bit tough. She has a lot to deal with but always puts me first, I could never pay her back for the love she has given me over the years. The only way I could pay her back is to recover, that's the biggest way I could pay her back for everything she has done for me. For her to have her girl back. 

My dad, one of my bestest friends on this Earth. He only wants to see me happy, he might have a more abrupt way of putting it than my mum but that is just him. That is who he is and who I love. He works hard to still support me when I need it even though I'm 22 and I've moved out and back 2 times already (fuck) but he doesn't stop and won't stop until the job is done. 

I am an Auntie to a beautiful little boy who brightens up every room he enters. He has changed all of our lives since he was born and I want to watch him grow, I want him to watch me grow too. I want to be able to take him out and be the cool Auntie every little kid deserves to have, right? He is a pleasure to watch grow and change. He is something to be very proud of and I really am grateful for his existence, he is a huge reason to keep going everyday.

My Friends -

I have always been lucky enough to be able to be surrounded by lots and lots of friends in so many areas of my life. I have my group of friends who have been there since high school, the 8 of us have a bond that will never go away. I am so lucky to have such laughs and support always. Especially from my best friend Ben, he is something else and he has been there through so many hard times.

I have friends from home, work, around the country and around the world and I feel so lucky to have been able to build ever lasting friendships with so many amazing people. I want to fight for more memories to be made. 

My Boyfriend - 

I met this boy earlier in the year in a time when I wasn't expecting to fall so madly in love. He saved me. Thats all I can describe that situation as, he picked me up in a time when the only way was down and I am forever grateful. He has been there through so much already and I love him for it. I see a life with him that will go on for a long time, I must fight for that future that I crave so badly with him. He's special and I've been given a little gift to have been able to fall so in love with him.

Then there's other things I'm so grateful for, my little puppies! Oh my god, I love my dogs. My counsellor once said "no matter how you see yourself your dogs will always love you, they don't care what you look like, what you do, how you feel, they will always love you" - there's no nicer feeling than being woken up by my little Sid, just this little creature wants to love me 24 hours a day and I love it.

I have access to help, I'm grateful for that. Without the help of the systems we have in place I would not be on the road to recovery. I know they are not great, they're not and even the NHS would admit that but once you find the right team you will get there.

I have a roof over my head, access to food, clothes, luxuries, I am grateful for all of these things.

I am able to go out and drink with my friends, socialise and have a laugh. Those are the times I look forward to the most, the nights where crazy memories are made. Photographs that I can surround myself with to look at when I need it, to remember what I'm fighting for. I have so many memories I wish to make.

I am a lucky girl. I have a lot to fight for and I will do everything I can to get there.

One thing I sometimes do when times are tough is I write 3 good things that happened in the day, even if the day fucking sucked, I will still try to source just 3 good things. Little or small "I saw some flowers" "I had a sick bath" "I had a good nap" - ANYTHING.

I first done that at university when my lovely friend Sanna gave me a notepad and we did it every night together because she wanted to help me get better (I love you, Sanna). This is a good way to reinforce positivity into a day and to keep it going for days on end.

Give it a try, it might make a nice change to the end of the day!

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