Mental Health Habits...

Hello everyone!

Over the years with my mental health I have racked up a bunch of habits that live with me still whether the certain mental health issue does as well is another story. I thought I'd share some because I think it's totally normal to hold onto some of these habits because your mental illness was a part of you for so long, my mental illnesses as awful as they have been have shaped me as the human I am now.

With my eating disorder I have some habits I have kept and some I have no fucking idea why and some others that stick with me too:

• Savoury food before 12pm makes me wanna eat my HEAD - this one is bizarre and I've had this for longer than my eating disorder has been prominent in my life, which shows that I've had issues with food for much longer than I thought. I cannot physically do it without feeling anxious and weird, I hate it. My boyfriend is always saying how good cheese is before 12pm and I'm like enjoy it pal, I'll have it after lunch THANKS. Even bacon rolls in the morning make me ~uncomfortable~ and it's very annoying.

• I can't eat from buffets at work and hate the smell - The smell of a buffet honestly makes me angry and uncomfortable, so weird. So when people at work bring in food for everyone on a special occasion I wish I was not there, I never go and eat anything although sometimes I do want to try one of those sexy looking cupcakes. BUT I CAN'T. I can't fucking do it, no matter how much I want to I just cannot bring myself to do it. People question me and I haven't really got an answer, I just can't. Something is still stopping me.  

• I hate eating food from coffee shops and sandwiches from supermarkets - Again, another I have no idea why but ever since my eating disorder took over I still cannot do this without feeling strange. If I manage to do it I feel like I've accomplished something massive. This is a habit which makes my family and friends think I'm still controlled by my eating disorder, honestly in that moment perhaps I am.   

• Touching wood - So when my OCD was extremely bad I was touching wood constantly all day. I was walking along the streets and purposely going over to trees to touch them and saying "touch wood, I'm okay" - it was fucking consuming. Thankfully I am not like that anymore.  However, on the odd occasion I will still do it if I am feeling anxious about something or I feel something bad is happening I stick to that little habit to keep me going in that moment. ~weird~  

•  REASSURANCE SEEKING - the big fucking daddy of my mental health habits, without reassurance seeking I don't know how I would get through anything. But note to self and everyone else, IT DOES NOT WORK. It is a short term fix for a long term problem, it does not help so is essentially the most pointless habit of all. I am always in a rut of reassurance seeking and it annoys me so much. I've tried over the years to break the habit and to just help myself instead, but it's the hardest one of all. 

Basically, the message here is that if you manage to break one of your habits then pat yourself on the back because they are hard to get out of. Trust me, I know! Give yourself the credit you deserve if you do break a habit. I always do if I manage to eat in a coffee shop or if I don't ask for reassurance that one time.

Be proud of your progress, big or small!

It's Okay..

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!

How am I you so eagerly ask? I'm okay...I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it's all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I've never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.

I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it's been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn't been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like "I was constantly going on and on today about how I'm going to die" - actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn't been the worst of my life, it's just been a learning curve I guess.

I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I've done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn't have happened if all of the bad things didn't happen either.

I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I've absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn't exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I'm fucking cringey, the power of love. We've had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.

I've been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I'm talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. "Don't joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!" I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this...

Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.

I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.

I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don't honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.

I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the 'shy' one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We've even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!

I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.

For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can't wait to reach the end of it.

When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn't always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it's okay and you are happy and having fun. It's all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it's going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x 

You're Doing Okay

Hey everyone!

Firstly I'd like to say a Happy New Year to you all, let's make it one full of positivity and love and all the good shit.

I've slacked so much on the blog lately and I've said this a billion times on here but my motivation has been fucked. I have been poorly over Christmas and not wanted to do a thing let alone blog.

I've got some blog ideas in my head so they'll come shortly, you know, the usual 2017 goals, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

For now though I wanted to just talk about what's going on, where I'm at, how I'm feeeeeeeeeling. Hi my name is Shannon and I suffer from an eating disorder, all kinds of anxiety and depression... this is your cue to say HIIIII SHANNON.

I thought I was doing so well, I thought I was proper tackling the eating disorder and following my meal plan to a T. But then I got a vomiting bug on top of being generally poorly (I still am, why God why!?) and there I was with my eating nurse yesterday to find out I've not gained weight at all. Fuck the fuck off body, fuck off.

I have been trying so hard to get better, so hard to be happy and so hard to get my blob back and this is the way my body treats me? I suppose it makes sense considering I've treated it like crap for the past however many years.

I was disappointed in myself, I felt like the biggest failure ever. I left and cried and cried, saw my friend and cried, saw my boyfriend and cried. I just feel awful about trying so hard and not seeing any results. I think that is the worst thing about it. I want to physically see results, feel the results and feel like there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.

I've relapsed more times than I can tell in my recovery, that's normal and no one would ever judge. I'm just my own biggest judge.

Then I told myself to shut the heck up and get on with it, add some more to my meal plan and not let that little voice tell me I'm just going to balloon and be awful.

I'm doing okay. I realised that I really am doing okay, I'm holding up a job, a relationship and running a house all while trying to get myself better. I've wanted to give up on all of those things multiple times recently because my mind just can't handle it but I haven't and I'm very proud of myself.

I want people to know that it is okay to be disappointed but really, don't be. You really are doing just fine, if you need time away from everything too, that's fine. I did that, I do that most months when work just gets a bit too much - I take time away from it because that is what my mind and body needs. Sometimes it really is too much.

If you're struggling and you need time for you, do it. You are the most important thing in your recovery, jobs, partners, friends, houses, they'll always be there at the end of the day. But you? You need to be there to appreciate all of these things when you're ready to. Look after yourself, treat yourself. Be kind and let yourself know that you're doing just fine. You're working your hardest at getting through the shit.

I think I say these things as an indirect way to speak to myself but I also want anyone who reads this to feel okay.

As I said, I'll be blogging more (hopefully when I feel better and my brain wants to cooperate with me) but again, happy new year! Enjoy and make it all worthwhile.

All the love, Shannon x

Where am I at?

Hey everyone,

It's been a tough morning, I have to say. I'm going away this weekend and this always fills me with crippling anxiety - I don't know why. I think I've been building up to a bit of a breakdown all week and it happened this morning and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty that I let it get the better of me and I let it control whether or not I was going to go to work (I didn't) - I try to be positive on here, radiate positivity and pretend I'm doing just fine. I only ever come back on here when something really gets to me. This has really got to me, I feel terrible that I've let it get the better of me once again. I feel weak, I feel like a bad person and now I'm terrified I'll get fired. I am a bloody poo.

I need to realise that my mental health is important, some days I do realise this but then when it does this I just feel like I've failed. All the progress I've made was for nothing.

But then I remember that ups and downs are in fact essential in the recovery process, I've discussed that with my therapist. Without the downs I wouldn't be able to use my techniques that I've learnt to get me back up, going backwards is normal and important. It is human.

I guess I just feel like everyone around me works hard and I'm just slacking off, but then I never cut myself a break for this.

I've been doing okay you know, I've had to increase my intake of food to try and get my periods back (HELLLLLLO PERIOD TALK) and I'm more determined than ever to do this. I think that's been subtly pushing my buttons all week and it was only a matter of time before I said 'no, I need some me time'. This morning has been my me time, I'm just lucky that my work place understand even when I feel like I'm absolutely cheating them for doing stuff like this.

In other news though, I am in fact going away later today to London to visit my university friends. I've just gotta get through that initial anxiety that I get every single time I go away and enjoy myself.

I hope you're all well and plodding along with all of your positivity.

I'll be back soon with some less negative posts, I promise! x

World Mental Health Day 2016

Hi everyone!

It's World Mental Health Day today, I don't know why this day always make me think so much (like I don't do that enough anyway) - but it makes me reflect, where I'm at, where I'm going, how far I've come.

I'll be honest I'm still struggling, the struggle is so real. I'm getting there though. My therapy sessions are coming towards the end and I could've cried when I realised last week that this was the case. I don't know why I felt emotional, but I've built up such a trust and faith in my therapist it's going to be very strange not seeing her every week. I'm learning new techniques, trying to apply them, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.

One of the biggest steps I've taken recently is after a conversation I had with my eating nurse a couple of weeks ago. I was weighed, as per usual, the weight wasn't going up too much. My eating disordered head was pleased about this, my sensible head still confused. I asked the question "so, what weight do you want me to be at to be classed as healthy?" I was asking this for my own peace of mind. We went through previous weights and she told me where I should ideally be but really in recovery you're classed as being healthy when you have your periods return.

I wouldn't know this though as I've been on the contraceptive pill since I was fourteen due to being anaemic and obviously now because of doing the frickle frackle. A period on the pill is not 'real' as it were, it sounds strange and I still don't really understand. I never listened in biology lolz. Anyway, the thought took over me like "WHAT IF I'M NOT HAVING MY PERIODS AND I DON'T GET THEM BACK AND I CAN'T HAVE BABIES!?!?!?!?!" My whole life is leading up to the day I pop out children and have a family and a house and a husband. If I've screwed that up for myself by listening to a little demon in my head making me not eat then I would simply never forgive myself.

I made the decision to come off the pill because of this, this is the biggest step I think I have made in my recovery! A positive one, because it shows I want to know where my body is at, what I have to work to and where this is all going.

I'm proud of myself for that. FYI - I'M NOT HAVING BABIES YET. Unless all that bloating I get is due to a nugget in my belly or just due to the eating disorder recovery...let's think logically here.

In terms of depression, I'm doing okay you know. My job gets me done, again I'm being positive about this and looking for new ones to try and better myself there.

I've learnt to distract myself better than I've ever done in the past. I've always been too occupied in my own brain to focus on other things. But I've been doing my prints, having nice baths with Lush bath bombs and chilling watching telly surrounded by candles. I'm doing okay.

I have such a long way to go, I have to learn to accept myself like my therapist always teaches me to say "I completely love and accept myself". It's just learning to believe it.

I'll get there, I hope.

I see other people who have suffered who are radiant, enjoying life, not worried about the size of their thighs or their chubby little cheeks. I want to get there one day.

I admire anyone who recovers from a mental illness and that is what today is all about. Love and support one another on their journeys, recognise the difficulties other people face and help them get to the end of that journey.

It's all a journey, one we can all get through when we believe we deserve the happiness that is at the end of it all.

All the love xxxx

P.S. As it is World Mental Health Day 2016 please check out my Mental Health prints over on Vicious Prints! 25% of the price of the print is donated to the Mental Health charity MIND.

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